Our Idiot Brother Quotes

Billy: Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

Ned: Such a cliche.

Jeremy: [Referring to Ned not being able to go through with a 3-way with a man and a woman] Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.

Ned: [Feeling ashamed of himself] I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

Ned: [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

Billy: It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

Ned: That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.

Billy: Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"

Ned: [agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

Billy: [still revising his literary contribution] Trust me man... I have been other candles!

Ned: [looking for his dog Willy Nelson] Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?

Billy: Oh, Yeah, definitely.

Ned: When?

Billy: [realizing what was actually asked] Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

Ned: Ok I, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.

Cindy: [off-screen, shouting into the phone] Well I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!

Janet: That's some Ivy League shit out there, man.

Omar: [speaking extremely slowly] I'm Officer Omar Coleman. I'm your parole officer.

Ned: I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?

Omar: [now speaking normally] I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.

Ned: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Ned: Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you. You're doing a really good thing here, Omar. Seriously. I mean you talk to us screw-ups, you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

Omar: Thanks, man. So you get out of bed in another three weeks, OK?

Ned: I'll do it.

Omar: I appreciate the compliment. It's rare that we get love from the clients.

Ned: Well, you're a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street from me.

Omar: OK, I didn't just hear that.

Ned: I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the stre...

Omar: What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?

Ned: I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?

Omar: I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or I could lose my job.

Ned: Seriously? Can you forget I said that?

Omar: No, Ned, I can't.

Ned: Aw, fuck.

Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.

Miranda: I'll insult you right here.

Janet: OK, I'm a pacifist. I don't play that way.

Miranda: I'm gonna peace you in the side of the fuckin' head you don't give us the dog.

[sic]

Janet: I'm not going to receive that with anything but love.

Billy: Do you think this is an ugly candle?

Ned: No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.

Miranda: Every man I meet is either a dick or a loser.

Ned: What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a loser, either.

Miranda: Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.

Ned: Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.

Miranda: You're wearing plastic shoes, and what is this shirt made out of?

Liz: It's flax.

Miranda: See? I mean, isn't that a food? You're wearing food.