Nothing Quotes

[Dave is recording a log of the expedition out into nothing]

Dave: As far as the surface goes, it's, ah...

[jumps]

Dave: ...kinda bouncy, like, uh...

Andrew: Tofu!

Dave: What?

Andrew: Tofu. I've, I've never actually had it, but I think maybe this is what it would feel like to walk on it.

Dave: [jumps] You're right. The nothingness looks, feels and bounces like tofu... which, ironically, tastes like nothing.

Andrew: I'm getting hungry.

Dave: No food for another two hours.

Andrew: Maybe we slipped into another dimension.

Dave: There has to be something to eat.

Andrew: Like through a portal or something.

Dave: There's nothing to eat!

Andrew: A space-time continuum.

Dave: Where's the food?

Andrew: A black hole, or a red dwarf. Time warp! Maybe we fell into some sort of time warp. Abducted! Yes! Maybe that's it, we were abducted by aliens!

[Dave is babbling insanely on the floor and assembling a trap out of the garbage can]

Andrew: And they've taken us back to their planet and put us in some kind of zoo with a sign that said, "Don't feed the humans," which is crazy, because we'll die, and who's gonna want to go to the zoo to see two dead humans? Unless they're going to eat us, but why wouldn't they want to fatten us up before the slaughter? Unless they're feeding us, and we just don't know it! Or they're not feeding us and they're just waiting and watching to see how we'll react, what we'll do! What are you doing?

Dave: I'm making a trap!

Andrew: For what?

Dave: The food! The food, you idiot, the food!

Andrew: Oh my God, we're going to die.

Dave: For once, I don't think you're overreacting.

Andrew: Hey!

Dave: Oh, sorry.

Andrew: You did that on purpose!

Dave: What do you mean?

Andrew: I was just about to beat you for the first time, and you shut off the game!

Dave: No I didn't.

Andrew: Yes you did!

Dave: Well, it was an accident.

Andrew: I - I can't believe this! I was gonna win!

Dave: Fine, you want to play again?

Andrew: Fine! Let's play again!

Dave: Well, not if you're gonna be like that.

Dave: I'm not mad at you. You want to know why? Because I hated it away. Because this is stupid. I mean, we've been friends for 21 years. I don't want to be mad at you. I don't want you to be mad at me. I want us to have fun. I want us to be happy. And I think we can. I mean, I'm out there and I'm all pissed off at you, and then I was like, well, fuck it! We can do whatever we want, right? So I say, fuck being mad with each other. So what do you say? Why don't you take whatever it is that's bothering you about me and just hate it away?

Andrew: Because I don't want to.

Dave: What do you mean? Why not?

Andrew: Because this is something I want to remember.

Dave: Why?

Andrew: Because you're the type of person who abandons his best friend, and that's something I don't want to forget.

Dave: Fuck you! Shit, now I'm mad again.

Mounted Police Officer: Dave Johnson?

Dave: Yes?

Mounted Police Officer: You're under arrest. For embezzlement

Dave: [closing door] Oh, hang on a sec, let me just get my horse.

Dave: You ever killed a man?

Andrew: What? No! Have you?

Dave: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: You have?

Dave: [taps head] In here, loads of times. I'm just saying, you have to be mentally prepared. It could get bloody in there.

Andrew: Bloody?

Dave: Yeah. Now say something funny.

Andrew: What?

Dave: You say something funny; I laugh, you laugh, and we look like two guys out for a stroll around the neighborhood, not two guys ready to kill someone without a moment's hesitation!

Andrew: [squinting] That looks like our house.

Dave: Ah ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha! Oh, yeah! Ha, ha! That's a good one! Ha, ha, ha, ha ...

Andrew: No, that really does look like our house!

Dave: No mercy. You got that?

Andrew: Yeah.

Dave: So say it.

Andrew: [hesitantly] No... mercy.

Dave: You sound like a Frenchman! Say it like you mean it.

Andrew: I just saw a candybar.

Dave: What? We didn't bring any candybars.

[Andrew points]

Dave: Andrew! That's not a candybar! That's a dwelling of some sort! You did it, buddy! We're saved!

Andrew: [jumping up and down] Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar!

[Dave looks embarrassed]

Andrew: Candybar, candybar, candybar, candybar, candy -

[Dave slaps him]

Andrew: You're right! It is a dwelling of some sort!

[first lines]

Narrator: The following is a true story. The people are actual people. Their names are their actual names. Everything has been thoroughly researched and verified.

Man In Suit: In accordance with Section 37, Bylaw 315, which states that no area may be zoned for residential purposes within 100 yards of a freeway. This house can't be here.

Dave: But it *is* here.

Man In Suit: But not for long.

Andrew: This is my house, you can't just take it away!

Dave: Not without paying for it.

Man In Suit: Well of course, we *would* pay it...

Dave: Right.

Man In Suit: But according to our records, this address doesn't exist.

Dave: Doesn't exist, of course it exists!

Man In Suit: Not according to our records, you see?

Dave: Well, if it doesn't exist, how can you tear it down?

Man In Suit: Because it's in violation of Section 37, Bylaw 31. You have to 'til 3 o'clock.

Foreman: You ladies got any beer?

Dave: NO. And if we had, we wouldn't give YOU any!

[slams the door shut]