Nobody's Fool Quotes

Carl Roebuck: Sixty years old and still getting crushes on other men's wives. I would hope by the time I'm your age, I'm a little smarter than that.

Sully: Can't hurt to hope. You sure are off to a slow start.

Miss Beryl: Doesn't it bother you that you haven't done more with the life God gave you?

Sully: Not often. Now and then.

Toby: Oh, you're a man among men, Sully.

Sully: Well, thanks.

Toby: That wasn't a compliment!

Sully: A condemned man has a right to a last request doesn't he? I got my truck out back whaddya say we get in the back get naked and see where it goes from there?

Birdy: Ok

Sully: Haven't you got any pride?

Birdy: Go to jail, Sully, it's where you belong.

Miss Beryl: Do you still bet on that horse race of yours?

Sully: What, the trifecta?

Miss Beryl: Yes. Has it ever come in?

Sully: Not yet.

Miss Beryl: But you still bet on it.

Sully: Well, sure. I mean, the odds have gotta kick in sooner or later.

Miss Beryl: Fine. That's exactly the way I feel about you.

Sully: I should have known better than to hire a one-legged lawyer.

Wirf: You can't afford a two-legged lawyer.

Peter: So if you're not a father to me, how come you're a grandfather to Will?

Sully: 'cause you gotta start someplace.

Peter: Mom's greatest fear is that your life was fun.

Sully: Tell her not to worry.

Charlotte: How can you live in a town this size and not see your ex-wife all the time?

Sully: That's easy, dolly. Peter's mom and I don't exactly travel in the same circles. As a matter of fact, Vera pretty much travels in a straight line.

Peter: SOMEBODY in this family had to.

Sully: What's the matter with you?

Wirf: I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically.

Carl Roebuck: Forget about it. The only way to communicate with Sully's to whack him in the head with a shovel.

[as Sully buys raw hamburger]

Peter: You want some buns?

Sully: Dogs don't eat buns.

Peter: You're buying ground beef for your dog?

Sully: I don't own a dog.

Peter: Oh, God. I don't believe this. I'm a member of Greenpeace and I just helped poison a dog.

Sully: Well for one thing, it ain't poison. For another, you didn't help much.

Sully: I can't believe it's gonna take you that long to get me out of jail.

Wirf: Don't blame me, I'm a Jew. They're not my holidays.

Sully: A Jew? Really? I didn't know that. How come you ain't smart?

Wirf: How can I start getting you out of jail when you won't go in?

Toby: Did you come to steal our new snowblower?

Sully: I've already done it, just about.

Toby: I could legally shoot you, you know.

Sully: Not unless I'm breaking and entering

Toby: ARE you gonna break and enter?

Sully: What's happening with Dummy?

Toby: I don't know. He took my threat to shoot him a lot more seriously than you just did.

Sully: Poor guy just had a bypass. Maybe he's trying to cram everything he can do into six months. When he realizes he's going to live until he's seventy, he'll slow down.

Toby: If I had my way, he wouldn't live to Thanksgiving.

Peter: It's not gonna be easy being you, is it?

Sully: Don't expect much from yourself in the beginning. I couldn't do everything at first, either.

[Wirf and Sully bet on the People's Court]

Sully: Okay, Shyster, who do you like?

Wirf: The plaintiff. It's a lock.

Sully: I'll take the defendant.

Birdy: You weren't even here for the stories.

Sully: Yeah, but I know my lawyer.

Wirf: Sooner or later we'll wear the bastards down. The court is already starting to get pissed. You heard the judge.

Sully: He's pissed at you, Wirf!

Wirf: Only because he knows I won't go away.

Sully: I know how he feels.

Sully: You ain't naked or anything, are ya?

Toby: No, but I can be in about 2 seconds.

Sully: Well, take your time. I need a cup of coffee.

[on phone]

Sully: Ace Towing? Sullivan. I'm just around the corner. 313 Harvin. Pick me up. Charge it. Tip Top Construction Company. Thanks.

[hangs up phone]

Sully: Horace?... .

Horace Yaney: Hi, Sully. I ain't naked either.

Sully: Thank God for that!

Sully: Go home, you jerk. You're married to the best-looking woman in Bath.

Carl Roebuck: Who was it that said, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp?"

Sully: [about Toby] Don't tell me she's pregnant.

Carl Roebuck: Knocked up like a cheerleader. Eh, I suppose now you're going to want to be godfather.

Sully: Hey... . I can't be the father and the godfather. You got to goddamn do something.

Wirf: You'd keep my leg, wouldn't you?

Sully: You don't need a leg, you need a parrot.

Sully: You stupid prick!

[slugs Officer Raymer in the face]

Clive Peoples Jr.: We've been through this before. A landlord has -

Sully: You are not my landlord!

Clive Peoples Jr.: My mother is -

Sully: The only reason I don't kick your ass. If you don't get out of here right now, I may change my mind.

Rub Squeers: Can I borrow a dollar?

Sully: Nope. You can borrow a jelly doughnut, though.

Rub Squeers: You can't borrow a jelly doughnut. Once you eat it, it's gone.

Sully: Once you borrow a dollar, it's gone. I'd rather buy you a jelly doughnut.

Sully: Hang in there.

Toby: 'Hang in there'? Is that the sum of your wisdom on the subject?

Sully: That's the sum of my wisdom on most subjects.

[first lines]

Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan.

[banging on ceiling]

Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan. God just took out Mrs. Gruber's bird bath!

Miss Beryl: [to her husband's picture] He's getting closer Clive. Last year it was the street light at the end of the block, now it's Mrs. Gruber's bird bath. I think God's zeroing in on me. I have the feeling this is the year he lowers the boom.

Sully: [quoting] Beware the chains we forge in life.

Miss Beryl: I don't suppose you remember who said that?

Sully: *You* did Miss Beryl, all through 8th grade.

Carl Roebuck: You think I got where I got by doing shoddy work?

Sully: No, you didn't get where you are by doing shoddy work. You didn't get where you are by doing *any* work.

Wacker Sullivan: Who are you?

Peter: He's your grandfather.

Wacker Sullivan: Does he always look like that?

Sully: Yeah, most of the time.

Sully: Which one of your fancy doctors advised you to drink, smoke, and screw your brains out

Carl Roebuck: Those are unreasonable requests Sully. They wouldn't of made 'em if they didn't know me.

Sully: If they'd known ya, they wouldn't have fixed ya.

Officer Raymer: It's $15 dollars. You can mail it in, or you can come by the station. If it's not paid within 30 days, you'll be held in contempt.

Sully: Boy, I hope you get laid sometime soon.

Peter: Tell me again this is your own snow blower we're stealing.

Sully: I knew your mother was gonna raise you like this.

Sully: I suppose you're gonna be saying the same thing about me when I'm gone.

Peter: You *were* gone dad. I already said it...

Judge Flatt: Now is it true that you discharged your weapon, Officer?

Officer Raymer: Your Honor, it was a warning shoot.

Judge Flatt: Um hmm, you know who you warned? A little old lady sitting on her commode 2 blocks away.

Ollie Quinn: Officer Raymer is currently under suspension.

Judge Flatt: Anesthesia is what he should be under.

Peter: It's not going to be easy being you, is it?

Sully: Don't expect too much of yourself at the beginning. I couldn't do everything at first either.

Peter: [as Peter is walking Sully to the police station to turn himself in, Sully has asked Peter to take care of a number of things for him while he's in jail] It's not going to be easy being you, is it?

Sully: Don't expect much of yourself at the beginning. I couldn't do everything at first either.