No Strings Attached Quotes

Emma: Congrats? For what, having sex with you?

Adam: You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

Adam: You're fucking my ex-girlfriend?

Alvin: Well, yeah. But... She's just so hot.

Adam: I know how hot she is.

Vanessa: [peeking out into the hallway] That's really sweet. Thanks, guys.

Adam: Fuck you!

Eli: You know what the best part about my gay dads is?

Adam: What?

Eli: They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.

Wallace: You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?

Emma: Sometimes, my neck gets sore.

Adam: Why?

Emma: Because my brain is so big.

Emma: Do you wanna do this?

Adam: Do what?

Emma: Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night. Nothing else.

Adam: Yeah, I could do that.

Emma: Good. It's gonna be fun.

Adam: I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

Shira: Nice memorization. Did you Google that?

Adam: I may have. Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing. Oh...

[takes out a CD]

Adam: I also made you this.

[hands it to Emma]

Adam: To help soothe your womb.

Patrice: It's a mix!..."Even Flow." "Red, Red Wine."

Shira: "Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

Emma: Adam. You made me... a period mix?

Guy: That's so romantic!

Patrice: Frank Sinatra, "I've Got the World on a String"!

Adam: It's a classic.

Adam: You know, I don't want to freak you out, but I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

Emma: It's not really possible. I have no time. I work 80 hours a week doing 36-hour shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in 2 a.m. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

Adam: I hate breakfast.

Emma: Do you want to do this?

Adam: Do what?

Emma: Use each other for sex at all hours of the day and night, nothing else.

Adam: [soundbite of music] Yeah, I could do that.

Emma: Good.

Emma: I made you a Valentine's Day card.

Adam: What?

[laughs]

Adam: It's perfect. Will you read it for me?

Emma: [reads card] You give me premature ventricular contractions.

Adam: I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Emma: You make my heart skip a beat.

Adam: Aww.

Emma: Don't make fun of me!

Shira: You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?

Emma: No. Things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.

Shira: Okay. Yes. Good! We are getting laid tonight. This is going to be like Sideways only you're Paul Giamatti and I'm the guy who gets laid.

Emma: I can't get laid?

Shira: No. Tonight is about me, Emma. I'm feeling hot. I'm feeling good. I'm wearing bikini bottoms because my other underwear is dirty. Alright, we're hot. You feel hot?

Emma: [shrugs] No one threw up on me today.

Shira: We're sluts, Emma. We're dirty, dirty sluts!

Emma: Okay.

Shira: Remember, we're sluts!

Emma: [wakes up] Adam!

Adam: What?

Emma: We fell asleep and we were spooning.

Adam: We were?

Emma: Yeah. And we were spooning with our clothes on which is like 10 times worse.

Katie: Mom is so excited. She was like screaming and crying last night! Oh, and she's going to fly down with Bones and help me shop for the dress.

Emma: [interrupts] Who? Bones? Who's Bones? Katie, who's Bones?

Katie: He's mom's friend. I wasn't supposed to tell you about him.

Emma: She has a boyfriend named Bones? What is he a drifter?

Katie: No!

Emma: Why didn't she tell me?

Katie: Emma, you're so good at being alone. Mom and I aren't like that.

Emma: What's that supposed to mean?

Katie: Just, it's true.

Sandra Kurtzman: You know I worry about you sometimes.

Emma: Why? Is this about me not having a date?

Sandra Kurtzman: No, I know you can dance alone. I know that you'll be fine. You're always fine.

Emma: So?

Sandra Kurtzman: I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. I think that you got good at being strong for me.

[pauses]

Sandra Kurtzman: I'm telling you be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it.

Emma: [teary] Okay.

Emma: Dr. Metzner? Adam, what's going on? What happened?

Dr. Metzner: He sprained his wrist punching a wall.

Emma: You texted me that you were dying.

Adam: It really hurt.

Dr. Metzner: I gave him some Hyrdocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory.

[hands to Emma]

Dr. Metzner: Don't worry, you're in good hands. Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.

Emma: No! I'm not his girlfriend.

Adam: She is not my girlfriend.

Dr. Metzner: Oh sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My mistake. Oh by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show. Great Scott! It's funny stuff.

Adam: I'll tell him you said that.

[pops pill]

Adam: My dad invited me to dinner and he's bringing Vanessa. You have to come with me.

Emma: No, I don't. I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.

Adam: You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.

Emma: [slaps Adam] Feel that?

Adam: Yeah. I felt that.

Alvin: How long have you two been together?

Emma: Oh, we're not.

Adam: We're sex friends.

Emma: Yes we are.

Adam: Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies.

Alvin: [surprised] Great Scott!

Emma: Don't list me as your emergency contact. I won't come.

Adam: Isn't that against your Hypocratic Oath?

Emma: Yeah. I'd let you die!

Patrice: This is a frat party. You just have to be drunk and look hot. Watch and learn.

[gets on table and yells to the whole party]

Patrice: Hey! Hey! I'm so drunk!

Adam: Don't call my penis cute. Even if it's dressed up as a Care Bear and it's giving you a care stare.

Emma: Don't dress up your penis. Ever!

Alvin: Come on. Hit me!

Adam: What? No. I'm not going to hit you. I don't want to hurt you.

Alvin: You're not going to hurt me. Come on!

[flexes]

Alvin: Come on, quick before I get a hernia!

Emma: The height difference! When we stand next to each other it looks like he's kidnapping me.

Patrice: You always do this. You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you. And I date guys who have real problems. I date guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out. You find these perfect guys and then you're like, it will never work he's too happy.

Emma: What's up, Dr. Metzner!

[shocked]

Emma: Did I just say what's up to Steven Metzner?

Patrice: That was really hard to watch.

Emma: Look I know I'm supposed to want to be in a relationship, but I just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old t-shirts.

Emma: Ring ring! It's the pumpkin patch. They want their pumpkins back!

Lisa: We're not pumpkins!

Joy: We're ladies!

Emma: But you're so orange!

[Adam tries carrying Emma inside]

Emma: Hey! Someone call Charlie Brown! We found the Great Pumpkin!

Adam: So, what's up with not calling me back?

Emma: I'm not good at this stuff.

Adam: At what? Talking?

Emma: Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.

Adam: Well, I can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.

Adam: You're crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.

Emma: I can't believe you chose those girls.

Adam: You jealous?

Emma: Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.

Adam: You told me to.

Emma: You shouldn't listen to me.

Adam: Alright, I won't.

Young Adam: So, I'm pretty good at archery.

Young Emma: That'll be useful if you ever have a time machine and your time machine breaks and you're stuck in the Medieval Ages.

Young Adam: You're funny, it's weird.

Young Emma: Yeah. I'm weird.

Young Adam: Me too.

Young Emma: Yeah, well everyone loves you and your dad's like famous or something.

Young Adam: My parents are getting a divorce. That's why I had to go to camp.

[cries]

Young Emma: Are you crying?

Young Adam: No.

Young Emma: Look, I'm not really an affectionate person. People aren't meant to be together forever.

Young Adam: You think so?

Young Emma: Yeah.

Young Adam: Can I finger you?

Young Emma: No.

Katie: [answers phone] Hey! How did it go? Did you find him?

Emma: Yeah, he was with a girl. It's his girlfriend. And I was in a bush.

Katie: Oh crap.

[pauses]

Katie: Are you still there?

Emma: [crying] Yeah.

Katie: Okay, get in your car and drive away. How much money do you have on you?

Emma: Uh, like 10 bucks.

Katie: Okay, the box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79. You're gonna need two boxes.

Emma: [crying harder] I lost him!

Katie: I'm so sorry. I love you.

Emma: I know.

[hangs up]

Alvin: When you're married and you do blow, try to stay away from women who want to fuck you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.

Adam: You're an asshole.

Alvin: But you're not. You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.

Eli: Hey!

Patrice: Did we? Yes, we did. We went to college together. You have two gay dads.

Eli: Yeah, I'm the man with the two gay dads.

Patrice: They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.

Eli: They're the best. I love them. I'm super straight, though.

Patrice: Okay.

Adam: [answers phone] Hello?

Emma: Hi. It's Emma Kurtzman from Camp Weehawken.

Adam: Yes. What is it?

Emma: So my sister's getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, I don't know. I heard your show was tonight. Congratulations.

Adam: Thank you.

Emma: I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.

Adam: Ok. I don't know what to say. You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you're not

Emma: I thought.

[pauses]

Emma: I don't know what I thought. I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know we broke up but.

Adam: [interrupts] Emma. We didn't break up. We never started. Look, I gotta go. I'm still at work. Have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye.

[hangs up]

Emma: [looks at phone] Aw fuck.

Emma: I can't stop thinking about him.

Katie: Who? Adam?

Emma: Yeah. I know it's over and I'm looking. It's just that no one is as.

Katie: [interrupts] Tall?

Emma: He's so tall.

Katie: So tall.

Emma: And he's so, like.

Katie: Happy?

Emma: Annoyingly happy, all the time. But he has this.

[pauses]

Emma: He has the best heart.

Adam: Go on a date with me.

Emma: [laughing] You're heavily sedated.

Emma: Taxi!

[gets in car]

Emma: Take me to Adam's house!

Taxi Driver: Okay, ma'am, where's that?

Emma: Where Adam lives!

Adam: I can't keep doing this. I'm not gonna see you again.

Emma: I know. That makes sense.

Adam: Bye.

Emma: This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I? I just have sex with your son sometimes.

Adam: Yes she does!

Emma: But, there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world since you're acting like children already.

Vanessa: That was really mean.

Emma: Yeah, I'm mean. But you're fucking crazy. Because given the choice between Adam and his dad. Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd choose Adam. Every time.

[to Adam]

Emma: Do you want to get out of here?

Adam: Yeah. Fuck this.

Emma: Oh, by the way. It's the best sex of my life.

[yells]

Emma: Great Scott!

Adam: [to Shira] Listen, I want you to know that I respect you.

Shira: Thank you!

Adam: Normally I would remember the name of someone that I've

Shira: [interrupts] What? Oh my God. Did you think we had sex? We did not have sex!

Guy: Hey Adam. You left your socks in my room.

Adam: Did I?

Guy: You did.

Adam: Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

Guy: No. When we met you weren't wearing pants.

Adam: Come on, it's one date. Just do it.

Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam: So, did I just pass out on your couch?

Emma: No. Then you did this thing. It was like, a dance?

Adam: Dance?

Emma: Yeah, like.

[impersonates Adam's dance]

Adam: I shook my dick at you?

Emma: Yeah.

Adam: Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Emma: No, no. It was exciting. It was like, you were cheering while you were doing it. You were like, "look at my dick!"

Adam: Did you look at it?

Emma: Yeah I looked. It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

Adam: Nice?

Emma: Seems kind of like carefree.

Adam: [Calling Emma] You can't just suddenly call me and say you miss me!

Emma: I know...

Adam: No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me... do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!

Guy: I love it when we're all on the same cycle. We all get to be passive-aggressive and fight.

Patrice: You are not even a woman.

Adam: Hey!

Emma: What?

Adam: Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

Adam: Go on a date with me.

Emma: You're heavily sedated.

Adam: Come on,it's... It's one date. Just do it.

Emma: Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam: Yeah. I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows. I'll pay for everything and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub. Like a real date.

Emma: Is that really what you want?

Adam: This Friday.

Patrice: [Into front door intercom] Hello?

Adam: Hi, it's Adam.

Patrice: [Looks at Emma, who shakes her head "no", then back into intercom] Go away.

Adam: I've got cupcakes.

[Gets buzzed in]

Adam: Did you look at it?

Emma: Yeah. I looked. It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

Adam: Nice?

Emma: It seems kind of, like, carefree.

Adam: Yeah?

Emma: Yeah.

Lisa: [after Joy does her impersonations] Oh, my God, Joy. I love you so much.

Joy: You do?

Lisa: Yeah...

Joy: Lisa... I love you.

[as Adam looks from one to the other, taking a sip straight from the bottle]

Joy: Wait. I'm seriously in love with you.

Lisa: Wait.

[leaning forward over Adam's lap]

Lisa: Why didn't you tell me sooner?

Joy: I didn't have the courage.

Lisa: Oh, my God. This is amazing.

[giggles, as Adam doesn't know where to look]

Joy: God, you look so beautiful.

Lisa: And your eyes are so pretty.

[Adam and Wallace share a bemused look]

Joy: Have you got-?

Lisa: Let's do this.

Joy: Wallace, could you take a picture of this?

Joy: Did you have sex with some girl and give her a balloon?

Adam: Can we not tell everyone?

Vanessa: [to Adam] I know this might be hard, but just because I'm your ex-girlfriend, doesn't mean that you can't look at me as... a kind of... mum?

Emma: Oh, boy.

Vanessa: Especially because, well... Alvin and I have been talking about...

[reverently:]

Vanessa: creating new life... together.

Alvin: You see, we were at... Burning Man.

Vanessa: And we were dressed up.

Alvin: Yeah. I was dressed as a... fire bird.

Emma: [to Vanessa] And what were you dressed as?

Vanessa: I was naked. And we were just out there in the desert... and... and he was burying my bare body in the sand.

Alvin: Yeah, and I was pecking at it... with my fire bird.

Emma: [Wearing 3-D glasses] Wow... It's like it's coming right at me.

Adam: I'm cumming... Uh! Fuck!

[Adam comes on Emma's face]

Emma: Did you just cum at me?

Adam: I thought you just said it.

Emma: Hmm... These glasses must be really good then.

Alvin: So... Are you having sex?

[hands marijuana to Adam]

Adam: Yes. I'm having sex.

Alvin: 'Cause if you want any pointers, you know... I can help you out. If there's one thing you learn after two failed marriages, it's how to eat kitty. Anyone special?

Adam: No. I mean, not since Vanessa.

Alvin: It's been a year. It's time to move on.

Adam: It's been eight months, Dad.

Lisa: She is so good at impressions.

Adam: Do an impression, then.

Lisa: Yes, do an impression then.

Joy: All right, guess who this is.

[Joy sucks in her lips]

Joy: Dad!

[she sucks in her lips again]

Joy: Dad!

Lisa: Oh my God, that's so cute.

Adam: I don't know.

Lisa: Come on.

Joy: Where are you?

Adam: I don't know.

Joy: Where are you, Dad?

[Wallace walks over]

Wallace: It's Nemo.

Lisa: Yes!

Joy: Yeah.

Adam: Nemo.

Lisa: Amazing.

Adam: I don't know why I didn't get that. How did you know that?

Wallace: 'Cause I've seen it a thousand times. That's how.

Lisa: Mmmm. Drew Barrymore.

Joy: I don't know if I'm drunk enough.

Lisa: Come on.

Adam: You can't do Drew Barrymore.

Wallace: Oh, but she can.

Joy: [in sexy valley girl accent] Happy holidays. I was in 'The Wedding Singer'.

[normal voice]

Joy: That's it. That's all I have.

Adam: That was kind of an amazing Drew Barrymore.

Adam: I'm gonna call every girl in my phone until someone agrees to have sex with me.

Wallace: That's strong. Toast to that.

Eli: Toast. That is a terrible, self-destructive plan, and we're behind you a hundred percent.

Adam: Hey.

Man with Dog: Hey.

Adam: We're sex friends. Just friends who have sex.

Man with Dog: That's not possible.

Joy: What's going on?

Adam: This is Joy.

Joy: I'm Joy. Hi.

Emma: Good for you.

Lisa: Adam?

Adam: And this is Lisa.

Emma: You are such an overachiever.

Adam: Thank you.