My Super Ex-Girlfriend Quotes

[after revealing her secret to Matt]

Jenny Johnson: Say "I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell."

Matt Saunders: Is that a possibility?

Jenny Johnson: Say it!

Matt Saunders: Ok. I'd rather have a chainsaw shoved up my ass than tell.

Jenny Johnson: [after breaking the bed while having sex] I'm sorry. I'll get you a new one.

Matt Saunders: A bed or a penis?

Jenny Johnson: Both.

[in a dream sequence, Matt tells Vaughan G-Girl's secret identity]

Jenny Johnson: [brandishing a chainsaw] I WARNED YOU, MATT SAUNDERS!

Jenny Johnson: [off screen; in a loud yell] Hey, sweetie!

[Matt looks out Hannah's window to see G-Girl hovering in front of him]

Jenny Johnson: I hate you, Matt Saunders!

[proceeds to throw a Great White shark into the apartment]

Jenny Johnson: [seductively, walking toward him slowly] Matt Saunders, I'm afraid you've been a very evil boy. I think you need to be brought to justice.

Matt Saunders: [with a big grin on his face] Oh, yeah, I have been known to break a few rules here and there.

Jenny Johnson: [still seductive] Total, unequivocal justice.

Carla Dunkirk: You are headed for some serious trouble.

Matt Saunders: I hear you, Homegirl. I got it.

Matt Saunders: I'm not going to help you kill her!

Professor Bedlam: Kill? I didn't say "kill"! I said "neutralize"! It's a neutral word... like Switzerland!

Jenny Johnson: I thought you were just a jerk. Now I find out you're really STUPID. Teaming up with Barry?

Jenny Johnson: [to Matt, as she crushes his chest with her big foot] You broke my heart! Now, I'm going to break your EVERYTHING!

Hannah Lewis: [Hannah is flying, she just got super-powers] HEY! Let go of my boyfriend, you crazy bitch!

Jenny Johnson: Bring it!

[they start fighting in mid-air]

Matt Saunders: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Vaughn Haige: The ability to gratify myself orally.

Matt Saunders: Interesting. But wouldn't that be a little...

Matt Saunders, Vaughn Haige: Gay.

Vaughn Haige: No.

Matt Saunders: Yeah.

Vaughn Haige: Not at all. Think about it.

Matt Saunders: Really? It seems that way.

[last lines]

Matt Saunders: Wanna get a beer?

Professor Bedlam: Sure, let's do it.

[the purse-snatcher runs away, having dropped Jenny's handbag]

Matt Saunders: That's right, you better run, asshole! Keep running, my man. You don't want any of this! Keep running! Yeah!

[purse snatcher comes back around the corner with a lead pipe in his hands]

Scary Dude: What'd you call me?

Matt Saunders: Holy shit!

[over the phone]

Matt Saunders: What's going on there?

Vaughn Haige: Some big fire on 73rd and Broadway. Everything's burning.

Matt Saunders: Is anyone hurt?

Vaughn Haige: I don't know, probably. It's blocking my way to the gym.

Matt Saunders: All my thoughts are with you in this time of crisis.

[over the phone, as Vaughn watches G-Girl put out a fire by spinning up a whirlwind]

Vaughn Haige: It's G-Girl! She's doing her thing!

Matt Saunders: Are you serious? You lucky S.O.B., I've never seen her in person. How does she look?

Vaughn Haige: She looks...

Matt Saunders: What?

Vaughn Haige: ...blurry! But still pretty hot!

Jenny Johnson: I gotta go to the bathroom.

Matt Saunders: You didn't just go to the bathroom?

Jenny Johnson: Are you keeping track? That's kind of creepy.

Hannah Lewis: [referring to Jenny] She sounds like a nutcase.

Matt Saunders: So you're saying she's perfect for me.

Vaughn Haige: There are 3 moments I'll remember 'til the day I die. 1: the look on my father's face when I graduated from Harvard law school. 2: Helping a beached mother whale give birth. And... 3: You and me, together, here, tonight.

Shapely Bartender: Don't speak to me again... ever.

Matt Saunders: Hannah!

Vaughn Haige: Oh, man, I think she's dead. Time to start the grieving process.

Carla Dunkirk: You were staring at her butt.

Hannah Lewis: [smiling; flattered] He was?

Matt Saunders: No I wasn't...

Carla Dunkirk: Yes he was!

Matt Saunders: You're that Bedlam guy.

Professor Bedlam: Professor Bedlam.

Matt Saunders: The super villain.

Professor Bedlam: Please, I am not super. I am not a villain. I'm just a regular man like yourself with a thousand times more money, intelligence and taste.

[as they're floating up in the sky]

Jenny Johnson: I've always wanted to try this.

Matt Saunders: Try what?

[Jenny unzips his pants]

Matt Saunders: That. Wow. I'm not sure that's gonna work up here. It's drafty, too.

Jenny Johnson: I'm ready.

Matt Saunders: That's what I call structural integrity.

Matt Saunders: I find your argument both repugnant and intriguing.

Vaughn Haige: That's kind of my thing.

Matt Saunders: Why did you call me?

Hannah Lewis: [dejected] Steve was cheating on me. I caught him in bed with another woman. Actually, two other women. Maybe three. I don't know, I didn't really get a good look.

Matt Saunders: [he thinks Steve is a rat, but is nevertheless impressed with his sexual prowess] Three, eh? Wow.

Hannah Lewis: Steve was so good-looking, and he loved jazz, and rock-climbing; he took me to nice places, and he gave me multiple orgasms...

Matt Saunders: [interrupts her] I don't really need to hear that.

Hannah Lewis: The thing is, I never really had any fun with him. Not like I have with you. You've been a really good friend to me, Matt Saunders.