John Smith: [after throwing her across the dining room table and onto the floor, standing up behind her, welcoming her by gesturing with his fingers] Come to Daddy.

Jane Smith: [she stands up bashes him with a teapot wrapped in a white cloth and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
John Smith: [searching for Jane, holding a pistol] Sweetheart...!
John Smith: [to Jane, while pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!
John Smith: [after he throws a butcher's knife at her and misses] Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!
[last lines]

John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.

Jane Smith: [whispers] John.

John Smith: [excitingly, stretches out all ten fingers] Ten.
John Smith: [after firing a rocket launcher, holding it and looking at it closely] We should so not be allowed to buy these.
John Smith: [after Jane escapes on a high wire, stand the ledge of the ledge of the floor in her building] Chicken shit!

Jane Smith: [shouting from a broken window] Pussy!
Eddie: [sitting in front of John in a diner] Tell me you got smart and that you killed that lying bitch.

Jane Smith: [turns around her chair at the bar] This lying bitch?

Eddie: Guess that was just wishful thinking.
Marriage Counselor: [during a marriage counseling session] On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

Jane Smith: 8

John Smith: Wait Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.

John Smith: Ok. Ready?

Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.
John Smith: [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through] These doors are handy.
Eddie: [awoken by a message with a job offer of $400,000] Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
John Smith: Hiya, stranger.

Jane Smith: Hiya back.
Jane Smith: [after shooting three shots through a wall at John] Still alive, baby?
Jasmine: Jane, it's your husband!
John Smith: Does that include weekends?

[when asked how many times they have sex]
Jane Smith: [during a marriage counseling session with John present] We re-did the house.
John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone, trying to beat Jane home] I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.
John Smith: [angry that Benjamin, tied to a chair, had blown their cover] You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!

Benjamin: [sarcastically] Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.
Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.
[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]

Jane Smith: Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.

John Smith: I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

Jane Smith: How'd you do?

John Smith: I got "Lucky".
John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his shotgun] You want it? It's yours.

Jane Smith: [angrily, insistently] Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?

Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.

John Smith: All right, I don't like them.

Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.
Marriage Counselor: [during a therapy session with John present] How often do you have sex?

Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
Benjamin: [in a van surrounded by body guards driving in the middle of the desert] Oh, look. More desert.
John Smith: [after Jane told him she never cooked a day in her life] Web of lies!
[both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other]

John Smith: I missed you.

Jane Smith: I missed you too.
Jane Smith: [lying down in the hallway of their home] That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?

John Smith: Jean-Luc Gespar.

Jane Smith: Damn, I wanted him.

John Smith: I got it.
Jane Smith: [lying down in the hallway of their home] You ever have trouble sleeping after?

John Smith: [leaning on the wall next to her] No.

Jane Smith: Me neither.
Jane Smith: [hiding with John in a display shed in a Cost Mart store] There's nowhere I'd rather be than here with you.
John Smith: [to Benjamin Danz] Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.
Jane Smith: [toasting with John in Columbia] To dodging bullets.
Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...

Benjamin: [Jane hits him with the telephone] A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.

John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?

John Smith: You are the job.

[John kills everybody in the room]

John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
Eddie: [in Eddie's kitchen] This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.

John Smith: She tried to kill me.

Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?

John Smith: [holding an assault rifle, walking past the door] I'm going to borrow this.

Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
John Smith: We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.
[first lines]

John Smith: [at the marriage counselor's] OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane Smith: Six.

John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.
Jane Smith: [referring to the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [having not heard the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them and shot three times at the three black BMW'S chasing them] They're bulletproof!
John Smith: [takes her hand and starts walking towards the dance floor in a fancy restaurant] Dance with me.

Jane Smith: You don't dance.

John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.

Jane Smith: Was sloth your cover, too?
Mom #1: [responds from upstairs bedroom] Eddie?

Eddie: [shouts, cocks his shotgun] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!

Mom #1: [responds from upstairs bedroom] Never mind.
John Smith: We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.
Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.
John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

Jane Smith: 312.

John Smith: What? How?

Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.
John Smith: [they stop dancing, after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon] That's all John, sweetheart.
John Smith: [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S] I never told you, but I was married once before.

Jane Smith: [slams on the brakes]

John Smith: What's wrong with you?

Jane Smith: [slapping John's arms and legs] You're what's wrong with me John.

John Smith: It was just a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane Smith: Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.

[pause]

Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?

John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Jane Smith: [driving a stolen minivan] My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

Jane Smith: Paid actor.

John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
John Smith: [to Jane while hotwiring a neighbor's minivan] He's had my barbecue set for months.
John Smith: [just before running over an assassin with the minivan] These fuckers get younger every year.
Jane Smith: [after John hands her a small revolver] Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

John Smith: Are you kidding me?
Jane Smith: Any last words?

John Smith: The new curtains are hideous.
John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone, trying to beat Jane home] That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.
John Smith: [after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg] We'll talk about this later.
John Smith: I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.
John Smith: [after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off] Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!
Eddie: Did you get a look at him?

John Smith: Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.

Eddie: Maybe he was Filipino!

John Smith: I'm not even sure it was a him.

Eddie: You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

John Smith: I think so. A pro.
John Smith: Sweet Jesus! Mother of God!
Eddie: Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

John Smith: I think so.
John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

Jane Smith: Art?

John Smith: History! It's reputable.
John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]

John Smith: Honey!

Jane Smith: Wrap it up.

John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

Jane Smith: Sorry.

John Smith: Girls. Where was I?

Benjamin: Mistake on your part.

John Smith: Shut up.
John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.
John Smith: What's new?

Eddie: Same old. People need killing.
Jane Smith: [before she breaks Marco Racin's neck] Have you been selling big guns to bad people?
Jane Smith: I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.

John Smith: Well, I improvised.

Jane Smith: You deviated from the plan.

John Smith: The plan was flawed.

Jane Smith: The plan was not flawed.

John Smith: Anal.

Jane Smith: *Organized.*

John Smith: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.

Jane Smith: Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!

John Smith: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...

Jane Smith: No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.

John Smith: Your *fake* mother's birthday present.

Jane Smith: The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.

John Smith: You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.

Jane Smith: I want someone I can count on.

John Smith: [sigh] Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.

Jane Smith: [irritated] Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?

John Smith: That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?

Jane Smith: Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.

[brooding silence]

Benjamin: [locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice] *Who are you people?*

Jane Smith: [yelling] Shut up!
John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
Jane Smith: You were bait.

Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.

Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?
Jane Smith: I was never in the peace corps.
John Smith: [while carrying a rocket launcher] Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.
Jasmine: What? Your husband is the shooter? That's impossible.

Jane Smith: Really?
John Smith: [comparing injuries with Jane] I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.
John Smith: [talking about their predicament, at their dinner table in a fancy restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

Jane Smith: Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.
Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?

John Smith: Not for years.
Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] Well, so are a lot of girls.
Eddie: [in a diner] Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?

John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop

Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.

John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!

Eddie: OK. Laptop.
Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: You guys want any dessert?

Eddie: What do ya have honey?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Ice cream...

Eddie: Ice cream? That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...

Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...

[winks to the waitress]

Breakfast Diner Waitress: Could be arranged...

[walks off]

Eddie: Perfect...

[to John]

Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.
John Smith: You live with your mother.

Eddie: [offended] Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!
Eddie: You gotta take this bitch out!

John Smith: [while taking burned pieces of papers out of a portable furnace to look for clues] Don't tell me how to handle my wife.
Jane Smith: [over a speakerphone] you really expect me to roll over and play dead?

John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.

Jane Smith: Six... and I'm not leaving.
[on living with his mother]

Eddie: She cooks and cleans. And *I'm* the dummy?
John Smith: [while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to their marriage] I have a theory, newly developed.

Jane Smith: I'm breathless to hear it.

John Smith: I think you killed us.

Jane Smith: Provocative.

John Smith: Why do you care? I was just a cover

Jane Smith: Who says you were just a cover?

John Smith: [pauses] Wasn't I?
John Smith: [over the Bluetooth headset phone] The first time we met, what was your first thought?

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] You tell me.

John Smith: I thought... I thought you looked like Christmas morning, I don't know how else to say it.

Jane Smith: [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home] And why are you telling me this now?

John Smith: I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning... so there it is, I thought you should know.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith Quotes

Extended Reading

Mr. & Mrs. Smith short comments

Priscilla 2022-03-23 09:01:05

I like Brad Pitt...they are in good shape...Two people who are jealous of each other finally walked from opposites to the same enemy...I liked Brad at the beginning...because Rachel...the things are different...and Angelina Jolie, we are in love Do...fight, the plot is good
Romaine 2022-04-23 07:01:02

It's funny and brilliant, albeit a little exaggerated.