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Brent Ryan: Your motherfucking mother said to open this door! And motherfuckers, you're going to open this motherfucking door!
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Damon Hall: I used to think my parents getting divorced was the hugest tragedy of my life, but ironically, that shit doubled my chance of survival.
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Brent Ryan: It's a Sawzall. That means it saws ALL!
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Josh Ryan: Grandpa, don't kill my dad!
Mel Ryan: [briefly stops] There's my piss and vinegar!
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Kendall Ryan: [as Brent bandages her gunshot] You got a gun? Another thing for your midlife crisis? What was the combination?
Brent Ryan: Josh's birthday.
[cut to Josh solving the combination]
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Mel Ryan: I fought in wars! What did you do?
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[last lines]
Brent Ryan: But sometimes, we just want to...
Brent Ryan: [singing as he destroys his pool table] Oh yeah you put your right foot in, you put your right foot out... you do the hokey pokey and you fuck shit up!
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Kendall Ryan: [Stops breaking down the door as the doorbell rings] Your parents?
Brent Ryan: That was today?
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Brent Ryan: Now the world you kids are living in. The things you've seen on the Internet. Mouth to dildo, dildo to ass, ass to ass! Hi, Brent! Anal beads.
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Radio News Announcer: To anyone in earshot of this broadcast, the message is: you're going to want to go to them; your natural instinct in the middle of a crisis is to protect them. But do not go near your chil...
[cut off by static]
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Carly: I know you're scared. We HAVE to get out of the house before Mom and Dad get home.
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Kendall Ryan: You're part of a family, Carly, and that means you love each other even when you can't stand each other, and you give a shit even when you don't give a shit.
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Kendall Ryan: Honey, your grandparents are coming for dinner tonight, remember?
Carly: Mom, really?
Kendall Ryan: What? You haven't seen them in months and they're not getting any younger, you know, so the 'movie' can wait.
Carly: Awesome, you and Grandma passive aggressively bitching at each other, and Grandpa telling his disgusting Vietnam stories. 'Pulled it out and killed the Charlie bastard with his own pigsticker!'
Kendall Ryan: Carly!
[to Sun-Yi]
Kendall Ryan: I am so sorry.
Sun-Yi: -M gan yiu, Mrs. Ryan, I'm the Chinese, Chinese is not the Charlie.
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Kendall Ryan: You know, I want to trust you, Carly, really I do, your dad and I both do, but you don't make it easy on us when you shut us out.
[Carly stares at her phone]
Kendall Ryan: Do you mind not Facebooking when we're driving together? It's really the only time we have just the two of us.
Carly: 'Facebooking'?
Kendall Ryan: You know what I mean.
Carly: Yeah, whatever.
Kendall Ryan: You know, I really, really hate it when you say that.
[Carly ignores her]
Kendall Ryan: Amazing. Everything just revolves around you, doesn't it?
Carly: Doesn't everyone's world revolve around themselves? Who else should it revolve around?
Kendall Ryan: Well you're part of a family, Carly, it means that you love each other even when you can't stand each other, and that you give a shit even when you don't really give a shit.
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Kendall Ryan: You could have a new cousin today, that is a big deal, and all you can think about is... you know, I don't even know what you think about, because you don't tell me anything. We used to be best friends, remember?
Carly: Okay well, that's not the case anymore, Mom, I have other friends.
Kendall Ryan: Right, see it's just for me, you and Josh are everything. So you don't get to just shut me out, okay? It's not fair.
Carly: God, it's not my fault you have no life!
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Kendall Ryan: [after dance class] We are so over, I'm dying.
Barbara: Why do we do it? Killing ourselves to hold back Father Time for what, a few more months?
Kendall Ryan: Why do anything? I don't know, be healthy I guess.
Barbara: Be healthy my ass, it's not about being healthy, it's about being hot, and 'hot, skinny bitch' is in our rear view mirror.
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Barbara: [to Kendall] I mean don't get me wrong, look at you, you're awesome, but that's not what keeps your hubby from chasing after 17 year olds, it's state divorce law that does that shit.
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Barbara: I saw Riley changing in front of the mirror the other day, and I started to hate her a little. She's my daughter, I should be proud, but all I could think was 'One day those tits are gonna drop, you little whore'.
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Barbara: I don't know about your little angels, but mine steals from me every chance she gets.
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Mr. Hall: [on planned obsolescence] Does anyone know what this means? Anyone? Bueller? No? It refers to products designed with a predetermined, limited lifespan. Products that are literally built to die, that is two become unfashionable or nonfunctional in a certain amount of time. See exhibit A.
[holds up Riley's phone]
Riley: Excuse me, that's actually the new one.
Mr. Hall: [sighs] You are dexterously missing my point and making it at exactly the same time. See the idea is to manipulate the consumers, to constantly want to buy the new one.
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Riley: [a police car speeds by] Yeah like he's gonna stop.
Carly: I don't know, we're supposed to be in class, aren't we?
Riley: World War Z just broke out at our school, I'm pretty sure nobody's gonna care that we left early.
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Dr. Mehmet Oz: I'm sure many viewers are unfamiliar with a phenomenon known as 'savaging', it's actually somewhat common in the animal kingdom. For instance, in a domestic pig population, as anyone involved in raising livestock will tell you...
Interviewer: Excuse me? You are talking about pigs? There are children dying and you're talking about pigs?
Dr. Mehmet Oz: Well yes, in fact around 50% of the piglet fatalities seen is due to the mother attacking or crushing the newborn, pre-weaned babies, and no one can say exactly why they do it.
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Kendall Ryan: You bought a pool table?
Brent Ryan: Yeah, so?
Kendall Ryan: You don't even like pool. Can I ask how much this cost?
Brent Ryan: Don't worry about it.
Kendall Ryan: I kind of *have* to worry about it. I mean Christmas is coming up, do you really think that this is the right time to start building a man cave in the basement?
Brent Ryan: It's not a man cave, Kendall. I just thought, you know, like, like a family room.
Kendall Ryan: The whole house is a family room.
Brent Ryan: Okay, you see, I got a problem with that idea right there, because I bust my ass 6 days a week trying to pay this place down, and it's like a fucking obstacle course trying to get out the fucking front door. I mean one of these days, I'm gonna trip over one of Josh's toys and take a nose dive straight to the ER.
Kendall Ryan: What are you saying?
Brent Ryan: I'm saying maybe we need to have some boundaries, I'm saying maybe there needs to be a fucking grown up zone, and a fucking kids' zone!
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Brent Ryan: [after destroying the pool table with a sledgehammer] You're right, honey, I hate pool. Not a big fan of machine-part sales either, trying to hit quotas down there, be a big man, not exactly what I had in mind as a young dude, you know. Bright future, everything in the world to look forward to.
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Brent Ryan: I remember the kid I used to be like it was four fucking minutes ago! My feet barely touched the ground back then! My kill ratio was 9/10, it was 100% sex! But that guy, in a million years could never have pictured this tired motherfucker he turned out to be! Flat on his ass, fat, bald, cottage cheese fucking ass, Blue Bonnet butter waistline with hair coming out of my ears and nose, my salary went from $145,000 to $45,000! Yeah, building a fucking man cave, that's right, you're right!
Mom and Dad Quotes
Extended Reading
