Meet the Parents Quotes

Dina Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!

Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.

Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

[Jack's Poem]

Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life / You gave me milk / You gave me courage / Your name was Angela / The angel from Heaven / But you were also an angel of God / And He needed you, too / Selfishly I tried to keep you here / While the cancer ate away your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force / But I couldn't save you / and I shall see your face nevermore, nevermore, nevermore / Until we meet in heaven.

Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.

Dina Byrnes: It always gets me.

Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.

Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?

Greg Focker: Sure, I think so.

Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you cannot.

Jack Byrnes: What are you driving there? Ford?

Greg Focker: Yeah it's a Taurus. Yeah, we were going to get a mid-size, but I figure, hey, we pull down decent bucks. Might as well go all out, and pop for the full-size.

Jack Byrnes: Sure. Interesting color. You pick it?

Greg Focker: Oh, no, the guy at the counter. Why?

Jack Byrnes: Well, they say geniuses pick green. But you didn't pick it.

Dina Byrnes: Looks like we've got another wedding to plan.

Jack Byrnes: Yep. Just got to do one more thing.

Dina Byrnes: What's that?

Jack Byrnes: Meet his parents.

Dina Byrnes: Jack...

Jack Byrnes: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful, fascinating people.

Dina Byrnes: Good night, Jack.

Jack Byrnes: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker?

[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]

Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.

Greg Focker: I got it.

Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.

Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?

Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.

Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?

Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...

Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?

Flight Attendant: No...

Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.

Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...

Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.

Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!

Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Jack Byrnes: Oh, geez. I just thought of something.

Dina Byrnes: What?

Jack Byrnes: Pam's middle name.

Dina Byrnes: Martha... Oh, no.

Jack Byrnes, Dina Byrnes: Pamela Martha Focker.

Greg Focker: Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai.

Dina Byrnes: Jack can't talk Thai.

Greg Focker: Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well.

Jack Byrnes: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?

Greg Focker: Of course, yeah.

Jack Byrnes: Good. Keep your snake in it's cage for 72 hours.

Dina Byrnes: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name. Um, we were curious, how do you pronounce it?

Greg Focker: Oh, just like it's spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.

Dina Byrnes: F-Focker.

Jack Byrnes: Hmm, Focker. Hmm.

Denny Byrnes: You just sniffing my boxers, man?

Greg Focker: No, dude

Bob Banks: What is that smell?

Jack Byrnes: That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the septic tank overflowed.

Greg Focker: I told you, Jack, it wasn't me. It was Jinx.

Jack Byrnes: Focker, I'm not going to tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes!

Larry: The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.

Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.

Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.

Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?

Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.

Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.

Greg Focker: What does it matter?

Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.

Greg Focker: [in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?

Jack Byrnes: What do you mean?

Greg Focker: You know, the whole drug thing?

Jack Byrnes: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Greg Focker: Some people think that to "puff the magic dragon" means to- They're really, uh - to smoke - to smoke - a marijuana cigarette.

Jack Byrnes: Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.

Greg Focker: Right.

Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead, Focker?

Greg Focker: No! No. What? No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm - I'm not - I - I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.

Jack Byrnes: Yes or no, Greg?

Greg Focker: No. Yes. No.

Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.

Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...

Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.

Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.

Norm: But you said bomb.

Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".

Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.

Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?

Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!

Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!

Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!

Pam Byrnes: Greg honey, how are you doing?

Greg Focker: Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your father ask me to milk him.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.

Bob Banks: What field?

Greg Focker: Nursing.

Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?

Greg Focker: Nursing.

Greg Focker: Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down.

Denny Byrnes: Down low.

Greg Focker: No doubt.

Kevin: [On who inspired him to be a wood worker] I guess I would have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're going to follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?

Greg Focker: Hmm.

Jack Byrnes: Greg's Jewish.

Kevin: Are you?

Greg Focker: Yeah.

Kevin: Well so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.

[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]

Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?

Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.

Late Night Courier: Gaylord M. Focker?

Greg Focker: That's me.

Jack Byrnes: I thought your name was Greg.

Greg Focker: It is.

Late Night Courier: That's not what it says here.

Greg Focker: Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade.

Denny Byrnes: Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker?

Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not going to cancel the rehearsal for some stupid cat.

Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How could you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?

[looking around the house]

Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?

Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.

Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're going to fill in as the ring bearer for now...

Denny Byrnes: What? No, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.

Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!

Jack Byrnes: Greg's a male nurse.

Greg Focker: Yes. Thank you, Jack.

Kevin: Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something.

Greg Focker: Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of an everyone wins thing.

Pam Byrnes: Geez, Dad. You ever think of knocking?

Jack Byrnes: Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?

Larry: I'd say rounding 2nd base.

[last lines]

Greg Focker: You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?

Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?

Jack Byrnes: Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you so if I set you up with the ball, you think you could jump up and spike it?

Greg Focker: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.

Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.

Greg Focker: [practising his speech on a patient at the hospital] Will you marry me?

Greg's Hospital Patient: Yes.

Greg Focker: Seriously, do you think that sounds good?

Greg's Hospital Patient: [flinching] No.

Greg Focker: Really, because I think that pretty much sums up everything...

Greg's Hospital Patient: [struggling] No!

Greg Focker: [looking down] Oh, sorry.

[holding up catheter]

Greg Focker: Sometimes these catheters can pinch a little bit.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?

Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.

Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Jack Byrnes: Denny can you- what is that?

Denny Byrnes: Oh this, um, well, it's a sculpture I found in Greg's jacket.

Jack Byrnes: This isn't a sculpture. It's a device people use to smoke marijiuana.

Denny Byrnes: Reeaally.

Jack Byrnes: [Jack is giving Greg a polygraph test] Did you fly on an airplane today?

Greg Focker: Yes, I did.

Jack Byrnes: No peeking. Did we eat potroast for dinner tonight?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Was it under-cooked?

Greg Focker: No, it was rare.

[polygraph starts spiking]

Greg Focker: It was a little rare for my taste.

Jack Byrnes: I'm just kidding

[chuckles]

Jack Byrnes: [Greg laughs nervously] Relax. Relax. The needles are jumping.

[long pause]

Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?

Greg Focker: No. I mean, well, I don't...

Jack Byrnes: Yes or no?

Jack Byrnes: [about the polygraph machine] Why don't you try that on?

Greg Focker: Oh, that's okay.

Jack Byrnes: Oh, come on. We'll have some fun. I'll show you how it works.

Greg Focker: I-I shouldn't.

Jack Byrnes: Why should you be afraid? You have nothing to hide.

Greg Focker: No, I know.

Jack Byrnes: I know you know, so there shouldn't be any problem.

Greg Focker: No, there's no problem.

Jack Byrnes: So, try it on.

Greg Focker: Okay.

Jack Byrnes: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.

Greg Focker: [Nervously] Yes. Yes, she did.

Jack Byrnes: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you are in no immediate danger.

Greg Focker: I won't tell.

Jack Byrnes: [smiles] I'm just being humorous.

Pam Byrnes: Take it easy on the sarcasm. Humor is entirely wasted on my parents.

Greg Focker: What are they... Amish?

Greg Focker: [about the polygraph machine] Now these aren't 100% accurate right?

Jack Byrnes: Oh you'd be surprised how accurate they are.

Greg Focker: [obviously joking about the cat using the toilet] Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.

Jack Byrnes: [long pause] He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and opposable thumbs.

Jack Byrnes: Greg, how come you don't like cats?

Greg Focker: I don't not like cats. I-I just - I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know. Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of...

Jack Byrnes: You need that assurance, do you? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?

Greg Focker: I...

Jack Byrnes: You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.

Dina Byrnes: I just feel sorry the poor boy never had a home-cooked meal. What kind of family doesn't have time to sit down for dinner?

Jack Byrnes: Fugitives.

Greg Focker: Does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?

Pam Byrnes: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.

Greg Focker: What?

Pam Byrnes: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 34 years.

Greg Focker: How could you not tell me this?

Pam Byrnes: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly on a "need-to-know" basis.

Greg Focker: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?

Pam Byrnes: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.

Greg Focker: Oh yea. That's great. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Jack Byrnes: So what if he took the MCATs? He's still not good enough for Pam.

Dina Byrnes: Who is, Jack? Nobody has ever been good enough for your Pam. I mean, do you realize that you never even warmed up to Kevin until she broke up with him? Maybe it's time you think about what Pam wants.

Jack Byrnes: Is your name Gaylord Focker, yes or no?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Are you a male nurse?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Are you a pothead?

Greg Focker: No.

Jack Byrnes: Have you ever smoked pot?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Because you love my daughter Pam?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?

[Greg says nothing]

Jack Byrnes: Do you want to marry her?

Greg Focker: I did, till I met you.

Greg Focker: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.

Jack Byrnes: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?

Greg Focker: Would you lighten up *a lot*?

Jack Byrnes: [unsure] Yeah.

Greg Focker: Yes or no?

Jack Byrnes: Yes.

Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam live our lives and not interfere all the time?

Jack Byrnes: I promise not to interfere in your lives *all* the time.

Greg Focker: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?

Jack Byrnes: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?

Greg Focker: Jack, yes or no?

Jack Byrnes: Ever?

Greg Focker: No!

Jack Byrnes: Okay, yes.

Greg Focker: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?

Jack Byrnes: Don't push it, Focker! You're in a real mess.

Jack Byrnes: If you married my daughter, would you support her in the way that she deserves to be supported?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Would you be honest and faithful to her?

Greg Focker: Yes.

Jack Byrnes: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?

Greg Focker: Of course.

Jack Byrnes: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

Flight Attendant: Oh, hello. Oh, I'm sorry. We're only boarding rows 9 and above right now. You'll have to wait.

Greg Focker: I'm in row 8.

Flight Attendant: Please step aside, sir.

Greg Focker: It's just 1 row. Don't you think it's okay for me to...

Flight Attendant: We'll call your row room momentarily. Step aside, sir.