Matilda Quotes

Narrator: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

[Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves]

Narrator: Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.

[Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby]

Harry Wormwood: What a waste of time!

Zinnia Wormwood: And painful!

Harry Wormwood: And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap?

Zinnia Wormwood: Well I had to take a shower, Harry!

Harry Wormwood: $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?

Zinnia Wormwood: Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Harry Wormwood: College?

[scoffs]

Harry Wormwood: I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...

Jenny: [insulted] Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.

Harry Wormwood: Yeah...

Jenny: Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college, too.

Harry Wormwood: What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?

Jenny: N-nobody.

[sighs]

Jenny: I can see we're not going to agree, are we?

Harry Wormwood: A book? What do you want a book for?

Matilda: To read.

Harry Wormwood: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.

Matilda: Daddy, you're a crook.

Harry Wormwood: What?

Matilda: This is illegal.

Harry Wormwood: [hands the car drill to Mikey, then walks to Matilda] You make money? Do you have a job?

Matilda: No, but don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, Dad?

Harry Wormwood: Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart, you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Agatha Trunchbull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?

Harry Wormwood: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.

Agatha Trunchbull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.

Harry Wormwood: Huh.

Agatha Trunchbull: I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.

Harry Wormwood: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...

Agatha Trunchbull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.

Harry Wormwood: Terrific motto!

Agatha Trunchbull: You have brats yourself?

Harry Wormwood: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.

Agatha Trunchbull: They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.

[after listing prices of cars bought and sold]

Harry Wormwood: What was my profit for the day?

Mikey: Could you repeat the last one?

Matilda: [interrupting] $10,265.

[long pause]

Matilda: Check it if you don't believe me.

Harry Wormwood: [he, Zinnia, and Mikey glance at the paper, then at Matilda] You're a little cheat, you saw the paper.

Matilda: From all the way over here?

Harry Wormwood: [suspicious] Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished.

Matilda: Punished for being smart?

Harry Wormwood: For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be taught a lesson!

Matilda: Person?

Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up...

Narrator: Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He had meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad", and thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course.

Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them...

Harry Wormwood: [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda!

Matilda: Matilda!

Harry Wormwood: Whatever.

Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey.

Zinnia Wormwood: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?

Jenny: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her.

Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.

Harry Wormwood: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities!

Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.

Zinnia Wormwood: What? Where did you get those?

Matilda: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long, especially when the FBI gets involved.

FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile.

FBI Agent Bill: I've got 9:18.

FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct.

Matilda: Why don't you run away?

Jenny: I've often thought about it, but... I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all.

Matilda: You're very brave, Miss Honey.

Jenny: Not as brave as you.

Matilda: I thought grown-ups weren't afraid of anything.

Jenny: Quite the contrary. All grown-ups get scared, just like children.

Matilda: I wonder what Miss Trunchbull is afraid of.

Harry Wormwood: Any packages come today?

Matilda: Mm-mm.

Harry Wormwood: [noticing her books] Where'd all this come from?

Matilda: The library.

Harry Wormwood: The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old.

Matilda: Six-and-a-half.

Harry Wormwood: You're four!

Matilda: Six-and-a-half!

Harry Wormwood: If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already.

Matilda: I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.

Harry Wormwood: Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.

[He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is]

Harry Wormwood: Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?

Zinnia Wormwood: Four.

Matilda: I'm six-and-a-half, mommy!

Zinnia Wormwood: Five, then!

Matilda: I was six in August.

Harry Wormwood: You're a liar.

Matilda: I want to go to school.

Harry Wormwood: School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.

[Matilda leaves]

Zinnia Wormwood: You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.

Harry Wormwood: Hmph, tell me about it.

Matilda: This is the cottage from your story!

Jenny: Yes.

Matilda: The young woman is you!

Jenny: Yes.

Matilda: But then... No.

Jenny: Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.

[asked to sign Matilda's adoption papers]

Zinnia Wormwood: You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. And I never understood you, not one little bit... Who's got a pen?

Harry Wormwood: Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal.

Agatha Trunchbull: You'd better.

Harry Wormwood: Let's do business.

Zinnia Wormwood: [Matilda comes home from school, excitedly. Zinnia's on the phone, talking about her kids] Mine are driving me crazy. I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school IS NOT enough.

Matilda: [walking out of the room excitedly] I'll say!

Agatha Trunchbull: [pointing her riding crop at Amanda] Can you spell?

Amanda Thripp: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".

Agatha Trunchbull: You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it.

Amanda Thripp: She taught us with a poem.

Agatha Trunchbull: [mimicking Amanda with a high-pitched tone] A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be?

Amanda Thripp: Mrs. D, Mrs. I...

[everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in]

Amanda Thripp: [chanting with the rest of the class] Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U, Mrs. L-T-Y!

Agatha Trunchbull: [strikes a desktop with her riding crop and all the children instantly face forward] WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED?

[moves between the desks]

Agatha Trunchbull: Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING, not poetry!

[whacks the desk again with her riding crop]

[the Trunchbull's car, sold to her by Harry Wormwood, has broken down, forcing her to haul it all the way back to her house]

Agatha Trunchbull: [yells] Aaaargh! Crush that little weasel!

Agatha Trunchbull: Useless, flamin' car! Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? You're heading for the chokey, young lady!

Matilda: Chokey?

Agatha Trunchbull: Teach you a lesson!

Matilda: What lesson?

Agatha Trunchbull: You and your father think you can make a fool out of me!

Matilda: My father?

Agatha Trunchbull: The guy with the stupid haircut!

Matilda: I'm nothing like my father.

Agatha Trunchbull: You're the spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree!

Jenny: [sees a painting of Ms. Trunchbull] Oh my. My father's portrait used to hang there.

Matilda: Whoever painted The Trunchbull must have had a strong stomach. A really strong stomach.

Agatha Trunchbull: Amanda Thripp!

Amanda Thripp: Yes, Miss Trunchbull?

Agatha Trunchbull: What are those?

Amanda Thripp: What's what, Ms. Trunchbull?

Agatha Trunchbull: Hanging down by your ears.

Amanda Thripp: You mean my pigtails?

Agatha Trunchbull: Are you a pig, Amanda?

Amanda Thripp: *No*, Ms. Trunchbull.

Agatha Trunchbull: Do I allow pigs in my school?

Amanda Thripp: My mommy thinks they're sweet.

Agatha Trunchbull: [bends down] Your mommy... is a TWIT!

Harry Wormwood: Are you in this family?

Matilda: Mmmm...

Harry Wormwood: Hello?

[short pause]

Harry Wormwood: Are you in this family?

[switches the lamp off]

Harry Wormwood: Dinner time is family time. What is this trash you're reading?

Matilda: It's not trash, Daddy, it's lovely. It's called "Moby Dick", by Herman Melville.

Harry Wormwood: Moby *what*?

[snatching the book from Matilda and tears the pages out of the cover]

Harry Wormwood: This is Filth! Trash...!

Matilda: It's not mine! It's a library book!

Harry Wormwood: I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood, you start acting like one! Now sit up and look at the TV.

Matilda: Dad?

Harry Wormwood: What do you want?

Matilda: Yell at me, okay?

Harry Wormwood: SHUT UP AND LEAVE US ALONE!

Matilda: Yell at me again!

Harry Wormwood: [in a rage] Yell at ya?

[storming towards her]

Harry Wormwood: I'll come in there and pound your miserable hide! What do I have to do to gain respect around here? I'm gonna give you a tanning like you never had in your life! My word is my law!

[Matilda uses her powers to slam her bedroom door in Harry's face just as he reaches it]

Matilda: We'll wait until she's gone, then we'll go get your doll.

Jenny: What?

Matilda: Just kidding.

Agatha Trunchbull: The distance the shotput goes, depends upon the effort that you PUT INTO IT. PERSPERATION! If you can't handle the little brat, I'LL LOCK HER IN THE CHOKEY!

[she lunges the ball at the door, ultimately puncturing it immensely]

Agatha Trunchbull: Get it?

Jenny: [nods] Yes, ma'am.

Agatha Trunchbull: One day Jen, you'll see that everything I do is for your own good. And for the good of those - PUTRESCENT LITTLE CHILDREN!

[she shoves Jenny out of her office and slams the door after her]

Matilda: [to the FBI agents, as they rummage through her parents' garage looking for car parts] You two men are going to be in a lot of trouble very soon.

FBI Agent Bill: [to his partner] It's the female minor.

FBI Agent Bob: Aren't you supposed to be in school, young lady?

Matilda: I really hope you have a search warrant. According to a constitutional law book that I read in the library, if you don't have one, you could lose your job or even go to federal prison.

FBI Agent Bob: It's your father who's going to federal prison. And you know where you'll end up?

FBI Agent Bill: In a federal orphanage.

FBI Agent Bob: If you cooperate, we'll make sure it's a nice orphanage.

FBI Agent Bill: The kind with food... and teeny-weeny cockroaches.

FBI Agent Bob: What do you say?

Matilda: There's another crime in the making, your car is about to run a stop sign.

[Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house]

Jenny: Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night, and I think...

Agatha Trunchbull: [grabbing and clenching Miss Honey's wrist very tightly in her fist] I broke your arm once before; I can do it again, Jenny.

Jenny: [suddenly mad, she briskly releases her arm from Miss Trunchbull's grip with her free hand] I am *not* seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull!

[the class gasps]

Agatha Trunchbull: Shut your mouths!

Zinnia Wormwood: [cutting off Harry's hat with scissors] I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did.

Harry Wormwood: I did *not* glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk! The fibers fused to my hair!

Harry Wormwood: [Matilda arrives home from school late at night after Bruce Bogtrotter's encounter with the Trunchbull] Young lady, where were you?

Matilda: Miss Trunchbull kept the whole school late because this boy ate some chocolate cake.

Harry Wormwood: That's the biggest lie I've ever heard. Did you see all those packages outside? They were left out there for the whole world to see because you weren't here to take 'em in!

Jenny: Matilda, you promised me you wouldn't go back in that house again.

Matilda: I didn't, I was on the garage roof.

[whispering]

Matilda: I did it with my powers.

Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.

[makes spraying gesture]

Agatha Trunchbull: Psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Honey?

[Miss Honey briefly nods yes as she leaves to rescue Matilda from the Chokey]

Harry Wormwood: [appalled at Zinnia talking with FBI agents Bill and Bob] What is this, a hot tub party? Get the hell outta here! I slave all day, and you're entertaining a couple of surfer dude bodybuilders!

Matilda: [off to the side] They're cops, Dad.

Harry Wormwood: From now on, this family does *exactly* what I say, when exactly, when I say it!

[turns off his lamp]

Harry Wormwood: And right now, we are eating dinner and watching TV!

Matilda: [after Matilda destroys the Wormwoods' TV with her powers] I didn't do it.

Harry Wormwood: Of course you didn't do it, you little twit.

Agatha Trunchbull: [Jenny knocks on Ms. Trunchbull's door] Come in, come in, whoever you are.

[Jenny enters Ms. Trunchbull's office and almost get struck by a dart]

Agatha Trunchbull: [accusing Matilda of putting a newt in her drinking water] You didn't like the chokey, did you? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? Well, I'll pay you back, young lady.

Matilda: For what, Miss Trunchbull?

Agatha Trunchbull: For this newt, you piss-worm!

Matilda: I'm telling you, I didn't do it!

Agatha Trunchbull: Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!

[Harry has ordered out of the house the FBI agents, whom Zinnia had just been talking to]

Zinnia Wormwood: You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to SOMEBODY besides our stupid kids!

Harry Wormwood: Oh, yeah? Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wait for a convention of male strippers!

Agatha Trunchbull: [Talking about the cake] Smells chocolatey, eh? Now, eat it.

Bruce 'Little Brucey: I don't want any, thank you.

Agatha Trunchbull: EAT IT!

Trunchbull: This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak thief! You're a disgusting criminal, aren't you?

Bruce Bogtrotter: I don't know what you're talking about.

Trunchbull: Cake. Chocolate cake. You slithered like a serpent into the school kitchen and ate MY PERSONAL SNACK!

[cracks the riding crop on the table]

Trunchbull: Do you deny it?

[Bruce is silent]

Trunchbull: Confess!

Bruce Bogtrotter: Well it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.

Trunchbull: This one was mine. And it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world.

Bruce Bogtrotter: My mom's is better.

[All the children gasp]

Trunchbull: It is, is it? How can you be sure unless you have another PIECE?

[grabs him]

Trunchbull: Sit down, Bog.

Michael: [throwing marshmallows as Matilda was grabbing the book that was thrown] Hey, Dip face. Have a marshmallow. Have another marshmallow, Dip face. Dip face!

[door closes]

Michael: Hey, dip face. Where are you going?

Matilda: Out.

Michael: Hey, dip face. Have carrot.

[throws carrot from the spoon. Matilda turns around and carrot is facing her. With powers, the carrot flies into his mouth. She laughs. Michael chokes the carrot]

Mr. Wormwood: Chew your food; you're an animal!

Trunchbull: [on the phone, yells] Wormwood! You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I want you around here now with another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your shop! I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooka! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill! You what? Oh, y -

[she notices that the chocolate box lid is opened and hangs up]

[Matilda and Miss Honey walk past the Trunchbull's house]

Miss Honey: That's where Ms. Trunchbull lives.

Matilda: Why is there a swing?

Miss Honey: A girl I know used to live in that house.

[cut to a series of flashbacks]

Miss Honey: Her life was good and happy. When she was just two years old, her mother died. Her father was a doctor, and he needed someone to look after things at home. So he invited the mother's stepsister to come and live with him. But the girl's aunt was a mean person, who treated the girl very badly.

Matilda: The Trunchbull.

Miss Honey: Yes. And worst of all, when the girl was five, her father died.

Matilda: How did her father die?

Miss Honey: The police decided he killed himself.

Matilda: Why would he do such a thing?

Miss Honey: No one knows.

[cut back to present]

Miss Honey: The end is happier. She found a small cottage. She rented it from this lovely rhubarb farmer for just $50 a month, and she covered it in honeysuckle, and she planted hundreds of wildflowers, and she moved out of her wicked aunt's house, and she finally got her freedom.

[Matilda and Miss Honey arrive at Miss Honey's cottage]

Matilda: This is the cottage from your story.

Miss Honey: Yes.

Matilda: The young woman is you.

Miss Honey: Yes.

Matilda: But then...

[realizes the Trunchbull is Miss Honey's aunt]

Matilda: NO.

Miss Honey: Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.

Miss Honey: When I left my home, Aunt Trunchbull's home, I had to leave all my treasures behind.

Matilda: Treasures?

Miss Honey: Photographs of my mother and father, and a beautiful doll my mother gave me with a china face. Lissy Doll, I called her. Would you like some milk?

Matilda: Yes, please. Why don't you run away?

Miss Honey: I've often thought about it, but I can't abandon my children. And if I couldn't teach, I'd have nothing at all.

Matilda: You're very brave, Miss Honey.

Harry Wormwood: I'm great! I'm incredible! Michael, pencil and paper, in the kitchen.

Zinnia Wormwood: Did we sell some cars today, honeydew?

Harry Wormwood: [grins] Did we!

Harry Wormwood: [kisses her] Mwah!

Zinnia Wormwood: Does that mean I can get that new TV?

Harry Wormwood: Yeah.

Harry Wormwood: [to Michael] Son, one day, you're gonna have to earn your own living. It's time you learned the family business. Sit down. Write this down. All right. The first car your brilliant father sold cost $320. I sold it for $1,158. The second one cost $512. I sold it for $2,269.

Michael: Wait, Dad, you're going too fast.

Harry Wormwood: Just write. The 3rd cost $68. I sold it for $999. And the 4th cost $1,100. I sold it for 7,839 big American boffos!

Zinnia Wormwood: Oh, Harry!

[kisses him]

Michael: Give me the cookies.

Zinnia Wormwood: [hands Michael the cookies] Here.

Harry Wormwood: [Harry walks down to the kitchen, unaware that his hair has just turned an unhealthy platinum blonde] Okay, my boy, heir to the throne, today we diddle the customer.

Michael: [Michael's mouth drops open in shock upon seeing Harry's hair]

Harry Wormwood: What's wrong with you? What are you looking at?

Harry Wormwood: [to Zinnia] Lovekins, where's my breakfast?

Zinnia Wormwood: [picks up two bowls of cereal] Here we are, my heartstrings!

Zinnia Wormwood: [turns and sees Harry's hair] AAAIIGHHH!

Zinnia Wormwood: [tosses the cereal in the air] Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair?

Harry Wormwood: [suspiciously] My hair?

Harry Wormwood: [walks into the dining room and looks in the mirror] AAAAAAAHHHH!

Zinnia Wormwood: [as the TV explodes, due to Matilda's powers] AAHHH! AAAHH! AAAHH! AAAHH! AAAAAHHHHH!

Matilda: [as Harry switches on Matilda's lamp] I didn't do it.

Harry Wormwood: Of course you didn't do it, you little twit!

Zinnia Wormwood: I told you that was a cheap set.

Harry Wormwood: It's not a cheap set, it's a stolen set!

[destroyed set fizzled a little more]

Harry Wormwood: Whoa!

Harry Wormwood: [to Michael] Put your light on.

Michael: [switches on his lamp] Bummer.

Narrator: Was it magic? Or just a coincidence? She didn't know. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Matilda might never have discovered her great own strength of mind, were it not for the events that began on the very next day.

Agatha Trunchbull: [points at her] YOU!

Matilda: It didn't move!

Agatha Trunchbull: [comes up to her and Matilda stands up] You DID this!

Miss Honey: How could she possibly have done it when she was sitting way over here?

Agatha Trunchbull: [looks at Miss Honey and warning the children they were watching us] I'll be watching you, each and every one. When you turn the corner, when you go to your cubbies to get your smelly coats, when you skip merrily to lunch, I'll be watching you, ALL of you, and ESPECIALLY YOU.