-
Roy: Rule Number 1: Don't work where you live.
Angela: [writing] Don't... shit... where...
Roy: [grabbing her notepad] Rule Number 2: Don't write anything down!
-
[asking how badly his life is affected by the agoraphobia]
Dr. Klein: And your personal relationships?
Roy: [laughing] What personal relationships?
Dr. Klein: When was the last time you were in one?
[pause]
Dr. Klein: You know... a relationship?
Roy: With a woman? A long time ago.
Dr. Klein: Five years? Ten years?
[pause]
Roy: Keep going, man...
-
Angela: Bullshit!
Roy: No bullshit. And watch your mouth at the table.
Angela: [Angela laughs] You're a con man?
Roy: Con artist. Flim flam man, matchstick man, loser. Whatever. Take your pick.
Angela: And that guy Frank?
Roy: He's my partner. My protege...
Angela: Teach me something...
Roy: You're funny.
Angela: Teach me something! A con.
Roy: I'm not teaching you anything...
Angela: Why not?
Roy: Because you're far too bright and innocent and beautiful and I'm not going to screw that up like everything else!
Angela: You really think that?
[pause]
Angela: That I'm beautiful?
Roy: No.
Angela: Well, then why won't you? Because crime doesn't pay?
Roy: No, it does. It does! Just not very well.
Angela: Well, you seem to be doing alright by it!
Roy: I'm not. Believe me. It's no fun doing what I do. A lot of times it's stealing from people who don't deserve it. Old people. Fat people. Lonely.
[pause]
Roy: A lot of times I feel sick about it.
Angela: Well, then why do you do it?
-
Angela: She said you were a bad guy. You don't seem like a bad guy.
Roy: That's what makes me good at it.
-
Roy: Look, Doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I, I might vomit. And the whole time, I was thinking, "I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on my head." And the more I thought about it... the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, well, if I thought more about blowing my brains out... I start worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay, so, ah-he, that was a GOOD day, Doc. And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life.
-
Angela: You're not a bad guy, you know. You're just not a very good one.
-
Frank Mercer: You waited too long. No prize for you.
-
Roy: For some people, money is... money is a foreign film without subtitles.
-
Frank Mercer: [on the phone] Roy
[burps]
Frank Mercer: I wouldn't bother you, but, well I'm dying Roy, it's my spleen, I can't... I can't feel my thumbs.
-
Roy: Excuse me, hi! -
Pharmacist #2: I'll be right with your Sir.
Roy: [runs to other counter] Hi, I need a refill of this. No I don't have a prescription!
Pharmacist #1: Sir, please wait your turn.
Roy: I know, I know. B-but this; is an emergency.
Man in Line: Hey buddy, ever heard a line?
Roy: Hey have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten till you PISSED... BLOOD!
-
Angela: My dad's a smooth operator!
-
Frank Mercer: There's just one problem.
Roy: What?
Frank Mercer: I think I'm in love with you.
-
Angela: Nice to meet you, Dad.
Roy: Nice to meet you, Dad.
[realises what he's said and shakes his head]
-
Roy: Let his greed meet his imagination.
-
Roy: My associate tells me you have FIVE grandkids? WOW!
-
Roy: I'm not ver good at being a father, all right? I barely get by just being me.
-
Roy: uhhh... uhhh... That was WRONG what you did! And... and... you're a NOSY PARKER! And that's no way for a young lady to behave! And... SHAME ON YOU!
-
Dr. Klein: Let me ask you something. What would you do if you had to change careers?
Roy: You mean if I wasn't an antiques broker?
Dr. Klein: If you weren't a criminal.
Roy: Huh?
[twitches]
-
Roy: She left the door open. It was BITCHIN'!
-
Frank Mercer: Okay, I'd just like to, you know, take a girl out somewhere nice once in a while.
Roy: You have to pay extra for that?
-
Roy: You lookin' for something, sucker?
Frank Mercer: Yeah. My partner. You seen him? He's been missing most of the week. Tall, good-looking guy.
Frank Mercer: Man, you are bad! Did you take your pills?
-
Angela: If you're gonna get wet, might as well go swimming.
-
Roy: I gotta go. I've got a big business meeting.
Angela: This late?
Roy: Antiques. They wait for no man.
-
Angela: You don't have a TV? SERIOUSLY you don't have a TV?
Roy: Well there's a couch, if you want to sit. Or over there if you prefer. Or the couch.
-
Angela: New York Super Fudge Chunk. That's my favourite flavour.
Roy: New York...?
Angela: Super Fudge Chunk.
Roy: Oh chocolate! Right.
-
Roy: You good to go?
Frank Mercer: Does the Pope pooh in the woods?
-
Roy: Fourteen! You're fourteen! When'd you have TIME to get arrested?
-
Frank Mercer: You want your forty g's?
Roy: Consider it a parting gift.
Frank Mercer: We should part more often.
-
Roy: I'm not a criminal. I'm a con man.
Dr. Klein: The difference being?
Roy: They give me their money.
Dr. Klein: That's a nice rationalization, Roy.
-
[first lines]
Roy: Uno, due, tre.
-
[last lines]
Roy: Hi.
Cashier: That'll be $36.50, sir.
-
Roy: [Panicing] When... you're done, could you... wipe off the phone?
Frank Mercer: Yeah sure
[wipes on the back off his pants and his crotch]
Frank Mercer: How's that?
Roy: Oh God!
Frank Mercer: Whoa! I'm just kidding, just kidding!
-
Dr. Klein: I have news, your neurosis is small.
Roy: What? You fucking quack!
-
Roy: [while looking for his pills] Pygmies!
-
Frank Mercer: [narration from Frank's letter to Roy] Dear Roy, You're probably pretty upset. I don't blame you. You taught me most of what I know, so I suppose I owe you better than this. But you always told me if I ever got a shot at a big score, I should take it. And that's what I did. Sorry about the sap on the head, by the way, and for everything else. You always said guys like us can't afford to have regrets about what we do. That's gonna be a little harder for me, but I'll manage. If it makes any difference, you're the best I ever saw. I'd never find a better partner, and now I won't have to. I love you, man. Frank. P.S. Enjoy the gift.
[chuckles]
-
[repeated line]
Roy: Pygmies!
-
[repeated line]
Roy: Simple is safe!
-
Angela: This line's shorter.
Roy: No, this one's better.
[looks at the cashier he's been flirting with]
-
[repeated line]
Roy: Uuuuuh... Uuuuuh...
-
Angela: You're staring.
Roy: I'm sorry.
Angela: It's okay. I used to do it too. Looked at your picture, see if I got your nose, your eyes. Mom used to say I got lucky and only got your elbows.
-
Roy: You're ready for this.
Angela: I was born ready.
Roy: Glad I missed that day.
-
Roy: I'm surprised to see you here. I figured you would have moved out to, I don't know, Hawaii.
Angela: I kind of got screwed on my cut. You know Frank.
Roy: [using her own words on her] You're gonna go swimming, you're gonna get wet, right?
-
Angela: You mad at me?
Roy: You didn't take it. I gave it to you.
Angela: It's a funny way of looking at it.
Roy: Well, I see things differently now.
Matchstick Men Quotes
Extended Reading
