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Scanlon: Katie Candy Cane, is she a stripper?
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David Ghantt: You farted right into my butt hole. It's like a fart transplant.
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David Ghantt: I'm starting to feel like a corn dog at a hot dog party, and it ain't flattering, I'll tell you that.
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David Ghantt: [coughing on a bite of churro] No, that's alright, I'm just choking on my cholo.
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David Ghantt: [after David's gun discharges in the back of his waistband] It feels like it just grazed my biscuits, right there in betwixt 'em.
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Jandice: A couple years back, I was at a youth praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world. He was looking right at me. We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love. And then he died. Snake bite. At his funeral, I was very, very distraught. I couldn't keep myself together. And I saw this... other man. A distant cousin of the deceased. He was a pallbearer, and he was kinda strugglin' to hold up his end of the casket.
David Ghantt: I had a hard time liftin' it up.
Jandice: In any case, we got to talkin' afterwards, and I thought, well, that one's dead, this one's alive. I'll take the live one. Now, here we are, two years later.
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David Ghantt: [voice-over] Steve was a petty thief, mostly known for stealing tiny wheelchairs from pediatric hospitals.
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David Ghantt: [puzzled by the blood on Kelly's breast] Why isn't it milk?
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Steve: What should I call you, sir?
Steve: Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.
David Ghantt: Geppetto?
Steve: Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinnochio. As in, I pull the strings.
David Ghantt: I think he means Stromboli.
Steve: What did you call me?
David Ghantt: Nothin'. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a woodcarver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.
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Kelly: We could hop on over to Brazil. You ever been to Rio?
David Ghantt: I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.
Kelly: Oh, it's a real magical place.
David Ghantt: Yeah. All those planes landin' and takin' off and such.
Kelly: No, Rio.
David Ghantt: Oh, Rio, yeah, yeah.
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Kelly: Okay, well, I gotta run.
[seductively]
Kelly: I gotta go wash my pantyhouse... with my mouth.
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David Ghantt: I look like if Jesus and a cat had a baby.
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Kelly: I guess this is hasta la muerte.
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David Ghantt: One-four-three, Kelly Campbell.
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Steve: They gotta learn that presents don't just show up under a Christmas tree. I'd like to see these turkeys go out and earn seventeen million dollars. They wouldn't even know where to begin.
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Mike McKinney: So. Who do y'all want me to kill?
Steve: Whoa, ho, Mike! We'll talk about it later. Not now. Not in front of...
[he nods toward his young sons]
Mike McKinney: [whispers] Oh, I see... is it one of them?
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Scanlon: [holding up a picture of David Ghantt] Look at him. He looks like Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins had a lovechild... and then Kenny G, he just showed up to the birthday party, started playin' the flute, and messed this boy up.
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Mike McKinney: This gun has secrets... don't it?
[whispering to the gun]
Mike McKinney: Don't you?
[leaning in to listen]
Mike McKinney: I don't speak Spanish.
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Kelly: Look, I know you're just two good men doin' a difficult job.
[Agent Scanlon scowls]
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David Ghantt: I'm starting to feel like a corndog at a hotdog party.
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Jandice: [Kelly and Jandice fight. Kelly attacks her with a tube of feminine cream] No, not the Vagaway! They don't make it anymore!
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Mike McKinney: I got another job.
David Ghantt: No kiddin', what are you doin'?
Mike McKinney: Tax preparation.
David Ghantt: Oh, are ya? That's nice.
Mike McKinney: Naw, I'm just foolin'. It's gonna be more murder.
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Michelle Chambers: Welcome to Neptune's Conch.
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Plewe: It's a booger whistle.
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Runny: Please, don't shoot. I've got kids.
David Ghantt: Yeah? Do your kids know you're a lying, cheating sack of filth?
Runny: Well... I just haven't found the right moment to tell 'em.
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David Ghantt: I'm right here, sugar bush. Don't worry about a thing.
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David Ghantt: Brace your boobies.
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David Ghantt: Sometimes the only way out... is through.
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David Ghantt: I'd rob a funeral home for you.
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David Ghantt: No, that's alright, I'm just choking on my cholo.
Masterminds Quotes
Extended Reading
