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Andy Kaufman: You don't know the real me.
Lynne Margulies: There isn't a real you.
Andy Kaufman: Oh yeah, I forgot.
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George Shapiro: You're insane, but you might also be brilliant.
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Andy Kaufman: Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies. There are buses outside. Everybody follow me.
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Andy Kaufman: [as Foreign Man] I am from Caspiar, an Island in the Caspian Sea. It sunk.
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Tony Clifton: So... ya wanna see Andy? Anybody gotta flashlight and a couple of shovels?
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Jerry "The King" Lawler: Kaufman, did you come here to wrestle or act like an ass?
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[At a meeting with the NBC executives]
George Shapiro: Andy Kauffman is Tony Clifton. And Tony Clifton is Andy Kauffman. They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true!
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Lynne Margulies: So, you just pretend to be an asshole.
Andy Kaufman: It's what I'm good at.
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George Shapiro: Your material doesn't exactly transfer to film.
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Andy Kaufman: I am sick of this shit, Lawler. I am gonna sue you. I'm gonna sue you, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? Fuck you! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a motherfucking, fucking asshole! Okay?
-
Tony Clifton: I would like to use the phone!
Security Guard: Not on the lot, sir.
Tony Clifton: How about a bathroom? I may have shit my pants.
Security Guard: [shakes head]
Tony Clifton: Drink of water?
Security Guard: No.
Tony Clifton: Aspirin?
Security Guard: No.
Tony Clifton: Moist towelette?
Security Guard: No.
Tony Clifton: In that case, it has been an honor! And good day!
-
George Shapiro: Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question: who are you trying to entertain - the audience or yourself?
-
[first lines]
Andy Kaufman: [as Foreign Man] Hello. I am Andy and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie. I wish it was *better*, you know, but... it is so stupid! It's terrible! I do not even like it. All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes. So, I decided to cut out all of the baloney! Now the movie is much *shorter*.
[pause]
Andy Kaufman: In fact, this is the end of the movie. Thank you very much.
-
Tony Clifton: I got 20 bucks that says you work for me now!
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Andy Kaufman: I'm going to the Philippines.
George Shapiro: The Philippines? What's in the Philippines?
Andy Kaufman: A miracle.
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Tony Clifton: I think you sat in some cottage cheese. Oh, pardon me, that's your ass.
-
Andy Kaufman: I hate sitcoms, George. They're just... stupid jokes... and canned laughter! And you don't know why it's there, but it's there. And... and that's DEAD people laughing! Did you know that? Those people are dead!
-
[Tony is mocking people who came to see his show]
Tony Clifton: How you doing? You enjoying the show?
Bob Zmuda: [nervously] Yeah.
Tony Clifton: What's your name?
Bob Zmuda: Bob.
Tony Clifton: Bob?
[mockingly]
Tony Clifton: Bob! What's your last name, "Up-and-down-in-the-water"?
Bob Zmuda: Gorsky.
Tony Clifton: Gorsky? That Polish?
Bob Zmuda: Yeah.
Tony Clifton: You trying to do Polish humor?
Bob Zmuda: No, that's...
Tony Clifton: SHUT UP!
Bob Zmuda: That's just my name.
Tony Clifton: SHUT UP! I do not appreciate racial slurs! I think them dumb Polacks have been ridiculed enough! I do a clean show here!
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[Andy is spending his spare time from Taxi as a busboy at a local diner; two guys spot him]
Blue Collar Guy: Hey! Hey! Excuse me. Are you Andy Kaufman?
Andy Kaufman: I get that all the time.
-
Andy Kaufman: You're firing me? You... You don't even pay me.
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Andy Kaufman: See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs. I want real gut reactions. I want the audience to have gone through an experience. They love me, they hate me, they walk out. It's all great.
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Angry Woman: [slapping him on the face] And this is for my mother, and this is for my father! And this is for my grand father!
Andy Kaufman: I hope you have a small family.
-
Andy Kaufman: What do... What do we do now?
Bob Zmuda: Now you pick.
Andy Kaufman: But what if I... hurt somebody's feelings?
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Bob Zmuda: All right. Which one?
Andy Kaufman: I will have both! I will have this fraulein und the one with the big strudels.
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Bob Zmuda: It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute.
Madame: What are you talkin' about? Andy comes here almost every weekend.
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George Shapiro: So what do you have here? A big, elaborate joke that's only funny to two people in the universe... you and you.
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Andy Kaufman: [to Jerry Lawler] I did not agree to wrestle you! I did not agree! This is assault and battery, and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you... and your children and your children's children.
-
Lynne Margulies: Is it an act? Or are you just addicted to causing trouble?
Andy Kaufman: I can quit anytime I want, baby!
-
Ring Announcer: And introducing, at 191 pounds, the holder of the world intergender championship, here is Andy Kaufman!
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Jerry "The King" Lawler: Right. Everything's a joke to this guy. Just like that thing. I don't know if that's a neck brace or a flea collar.
-
Andy Kaufman: I just... I think of the world as, as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.
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Andy Kaufman: I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy.
George Shapiro: You're surrounded by what you create. Andy, you're the king of negative energy.
-
[Destitute after his cancer diagnosis, Andy is laying in bed; Lynne curls up next to him]
Andy Kaufman: I'm a bad person.
Lynne Margulies: You are a *complicated* person.
Andy Kaufman: [bitterly] You don't know the real me.
Lynne Margulies: There isn't a real you!
Andy Kaufman: Oh, yeah. I forgot.
[Lynne giggles]
-
[after sitting through Tony Clifton's show, a reluctant George Shapiro is requested to a private venue with Clifton, who is busily eating a pasta dish]
George Shapiro: What do you want?
Andy Kaufman: [Clifton pulls down his sunglasses to reveal he is actually Andy in makeup] Just a little friendly conversation, George.
Tony Clifton: [Kaufman switches back to Tony's voice] You hungry? You look thin!
[singing to himself in tune of "Funiculi Funicula"]
Tony Clifton: Italiano, cacciatore Scaloppine, pasta fagiol.
George Shapiro: I don't understand this act.
Andy Kaufman: It's just good old-fashioned entertainment, George. Everyone loves a villain.
George Shapiro: What about that poor schlub you humiliated?
[Bob Zmuda, in disguise as the poor schlub Shapiro just mentioned, arrives and takes a seat next to Andy]
Bob Zmuda: Hey, man, excellent show. That was a great show. That was awesome.
Andy Kaufman: George, this is my writer and old friend, Bob Zmuda.
Bob Zmuda: [shakes hands with Shapiro] Hey, George, how are you? I'm Bob.
Andy Kaufman: He's very creative.
Bob Zmuda: I'm the brains behind this operation.
Andy Kaufman: Yeah, dream on. He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo.
Bob Zmuda: This was fantastic, George. We got like 50 actors tearing through the zoo. And they're all screaming
[sounding panicked]
Bob Zmuda: There's a fucking lion, man, a lion!
George Shapiro: Your name's not Gorsky.
Bob Zmuda: [peels off fake mustache] Don't believe everything you hear, George.
Man on the Moon Quotes
Extended Reading
