Liar Liar Quotes

[after sex]

Miranda: Mmmm, that was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher: I've had better.

[a disgusted Miranda throws a shocked Fletcher out of the office, tosses his clothes at him, and dramatically slams the doors]

Fletcher: [to himself] I've had better?

Fletcher: You scratched my car!

Motorpool Guy: Where?

Fletcher: [indicating with his hands] Right there!

Motorpool Guy: Oh... That was already there.

Fletcher: You -- LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?

Motorpool Guy: What?

Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before, haven't ya?

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!

Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?

Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Cop: Is that all?

Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.

[opens glove compartment and groans when a wad of tickets pops out]

Fletcher: Be gentle.

Max Reede: Is wrestling real?

Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knifepoint. He needs your legal advice.

Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Bum: Got any spare change?

Fletcher: Absolutely!

Bum: Could ya spare some?

Fletcher: Yes I could!

Bum: Will ya?

Fletcher: [shakes his head] HMM-MMM!

Bum: How come?

Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society! Plus I'm cheap!

[screams at himself as he runs off]

Bum: [yells at Fletcher] Jerkoff!

Jane: Do you like my new dress?

Fletcher: Whatever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher: [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish] You don't believe me, do you?

Greta: Of course not.

Fletcher: [laughs dryly] How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

Greta: Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise...

Fletcher: Forget it. I don't wanna do this!

Greta: -and the company wouldn't give me one...

Fletcher: Greta, PLEASE!

Greta: -so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealousy among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?

[Fletcher is speechless. Scene cuts to Greta packing her belongings]

Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?

Fletcher: Nuh-uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?

Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?

Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?

Samantha: Sympathy.

Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you HE WON. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

Fletcher: No!

[Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues]

Fletcher: I'd have got him ten.

[Greta stalks off, appalled]

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - they are his?

Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.

Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.

Samantha: Seven.

Fletcher: [surprised] Beg your pardon?

Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.

Fletcher: SEVEN! Acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

Fat Coworker: What's up, Fletcher?

Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!

Randy: Hey, Fletcher!

Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember!

Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?

Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!

Greta: Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!

Max Reede: Do the Claw to Mom, Dad! Do the Claw to Mom!

Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the Claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures!

[Splatting sound]

Audrey: [sarcastically] So did you have any trouble finding the place?

Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran outta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!

Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.

Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.

Max Reede: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!

Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!

Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!

Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.

Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Jerry: I love you!

Audrey: Thank you.

Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...

Audrey: Thank you very much?

Audrey: Where were you?

Fletcher: Having sex.

Audrey: [bitterly] Well, I hope it was with someone VERY special!

Fletcher: No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.

[Fletcher throws the phone away and drops to the floor in disgust]

Driver: [after Fletcher cuts him off in traffic] What's your problem, schmuck?

Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.

Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.

Fletcher: [remembers] Oh, I'm such a shit!

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's license?

[shows paper]

Samantha: That's right.

Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.

Samantha: Brunette.

Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...

Samantha: I'm a brunette!

Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight, 105? Yeah, in your bra.

Dana: Your honor, I object.

Fletcher: You would!

Dana: Bastard!

Fletcher: Hag!

Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?

Samantha: 118.

[Fletcher gives her a look]

Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.

Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!

Samantha: No.

Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.

Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?

Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

Samantha: 1965.

Fletcher: Now let me get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to do THAT?

Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.

Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.

[to Dana]

Fletcher: Including...?

Dana: [sighs] Prenuptial agreements.

Fletcher: Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!

Miranda: [coming up behind Fletcher] Fletcher.

Fletcher: [shouts] Holy hell!

[about Mr. Allen]

Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?

Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.

[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]

Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!

Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brown-nose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!

[Fletcher continues with every member]

Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it alive. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!

[to Miranda]

Fletcher: SLUT!

Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!

Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!

Mr. Allen: [Adressing one of his board members] Keep your eye on that boy, dick-head!

Bailiff: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!

Judge: Who did this?

Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.

Judge: What did he look like?

Fletcher: About 6'2", 180 pounds, big teeth, kinda gangly.

Fletcher: [while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]

Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!

Judge Stevens: And why is that, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: It's devastating to my case!

Judge Stevens: Overruled.

Fletcher: Good call!

Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.

Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs.

[the woman turns to face him, shocked at his words]

Fletcher: I mean, your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!

[Fletcher puckers up. The woman is then heard giving him a hard slap in the face. When the elevator doors open, Fletcher walks out holding his face in pain while the woman glares at him]

Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?

Dana: Fine, thank you.

Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

[Shocked pause]

Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]

Max Reede: Mom? Dad?

[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing. After they break away, they look at each other in surprise]

Fletcher: [suspiciously] MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?

Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades!

Audrey: [awkwardly, to Fletcher] Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?

Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...

Audrey: Oh no... run, IT'S THE CLAW!

Fletcher: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!

[the court erupts]

Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER!

Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off!

Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN!

[Fletcher is on the phone with his mother]

Fletcher: [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you!

[pauses, listening]

Fletcher: Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency. I'LL CALL YA LATER!

Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?

Judge: Can't it wait?

Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!

Judge: Is that true?

Fletcher: It has to be!

Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

[Fletcher witnesses a kiss of greeting between his ex-wife and Jerry]

Fletcher: Wow! That was a nice image...

[makes typing noise]

Fletcher: *Deleted*!

Jerry: [pretends to hit Max] One, two three, four, five, and one for good luck!

Fletcher: [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that?

Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I OBJECT, Your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?

Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!

[Samantha and children enter]

Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!

Fletcher: [singing to the tune of Mighty Mouse] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!

Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!

Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!

Fletcher: Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?

[yells]

Fletcher: Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!

Fletcher: What is WRONG with me?

[monotonous]

Fletcher: I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...

[covers his own mouth]

Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?

Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

Fletcher: You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!

Dana: He's badgering the witness!

Judge: It's his witness.

Fletcher: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]

Kenneth Falk: Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?

[awkward silence]

Fletcher: No further questions.

Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!

Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.

Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, Magoo... I'm sorry.

Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a little bit...

Fletcher: Magoo!

Audrey: Yes.

Fletcher: [on phone] Hi! Judge Stevens, I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens, I badly, BADLY need a continuance!

[pause]

Fletcher: Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask!

[to Greta]

Fletcher: Greta, PLEASE LIE to him for me!

Greta: I remember when you bought me this antique silver frame from Tiffany's. TIFFANY'S?

Fletcher: [in a high-pitched voice] Garage sale, six-fifty marked down from ten...

[Greta drops picture frame and it smashes]

Dana: You wanna play hardball? I'm game.

Fletcher: [mockingly] Wanna play hardball? I'm game.

Judge Stevens: I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?

Dana: Yes.

Fletcher: Yes.

Samantha: No! I'm contesting custody.

Fletcher: What?

Samantha: If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.

Fletcher: [dismayed] You just won $11 million!

Samantha: Hey! I'M the victim here! You said it yourself. Now I'm gonna hit it where it hurts.

Fletcher: [whispers] But... you said he was a good father.

Samantha: [coldly] So?

[Fletcher stares at her in shock]

Judge Stevens: Well Mr. Reede, do we have an agreement on custody or not?

Fletcher: [quietly and sadly] No.

Judge Stevens: [also sadly] I see. In that case, there will be a custody hearing on the 19th at 9 AM. Court is adjourned.

Samantha: I want my money. I am not going to end up a 31-year-old divorcée on welfare because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience.

Fletcher: [realizes] 31?

Fletcher: [Picks up a blue pen; to himself] Red... red... Alright, now focus.

[aloud]

Fletcher: The color of this pen is ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh...

[laughs]

Fletcher: This pen is reeeeeeeeeeehhh-

[pauses then announces dramatically]

Fletcher: The color of the pen that I HOLD in my hand is rrrrr-rrroyal blue!

[falls into his chair exhausted]

Fletcher: AHH! One lie and I can't say it!

[gets an idea; grabs a piece of paper]

Fletcher: I'll write it!

[starts writing "This pen is - " but his hand shakes away involuntarily. His arm then swings around uncontrollably, knocking everything off his desk and wiggling in the air. Fletcher finally manages to grab his arm with his other hand and pin it to the desk with his knee]

Fletcher: Write it! Write it or I'll break it off!

[Fletcher closes his eyes as his hand finishes writing the sentence. When he reopens his eyes, he discovers - to his horror - that the hand has written "blue!" on his desk]

Fletcher: No! C'mon!

[His hand darts away to write "blue" again]

Fletcher: Stop it!

[His hand automatically turns to point the pen at him and he wrestles it to the ground]

Greta: [enters the office] Boss? What happened?

Fletcher: [rises from behind the desk with 'Blue' written all over his face] The pen is blue. The pen is blue! The goddamn pen is blue!

Audrey: Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?

Fletcher: No?

Audrey: He was making a wish that for a whole day, his father couldn't tell a lie.

Fletcher: [Realizing] Oh, my God, that's it!

Fletcher: Max! It's 8:45, you made the wish at 8:15. I've been able to lie for the past half hour.

Max Reede: So you were - ?

Fletcher: No! It was the truth. I just wanted to be honest with you, Max. I always want to be honest with you.

Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs: Hey, Fletcher, how'd it go in there?

Fletcher: Just another victory for the wrongly accused.

Lawyer on Courthouse Stairs: Yeah, right.

Publicist: Mr. Reede, do you have a moment?

Fletcher: I'm sorry, I'm very late. It's my day to be with my son.

Publicist: A couple of reporters want to talk to you about your big win today.

Fletcher: Oh, yeah? How's my hair?

Fletcher: Hey, creepy. Happy birthday. How old are you now? 22? 23?

Max Reede: I'm 5, Dad.

Fletcher: Okay.

[pretends to write]

Fletcher: Return the beer keg. Cancel the dancing girls.

Max Reede: [shows his baseball glove] Look at what Dad got me.

Jerry: Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great.

[to Fletcher]

Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad.

Fletcher: [sarcastically] Thanks, Son.

[to Audrey]

Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.

Fletcher: Maximus, I'm outta here.

Max Reede: Bye, Dad.

Fletcher: [to Jerry] Jerry, enjoy my wife.

Skull: [after being acquitted] Mr. Reed, great job. Say, do you want your coat back?

Fletcher: No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again.

[to himself]

Fletcher: And again.

Samantha: You look like you're having a rough morning.

Fletcher: [sarcastically] Ding ding ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?

Fletcher: I'll give you the raise!

Greta: Here's your RAISE.

[gives him the finger]

Max Reede: Mom, Dad's takin' me to see wrestling!

Audrey: Ugh! Fletcher!

Fletcher: Ugh! Audrey!

Audrey: Well, why do you have to take him to see that stuff? It's very violent!

Fletcher: The boy must grow to be a warrior!

[Both grimace and grunt]

[Audrey pays off Fletcher's tickets for his impounded car]

Fletcher: Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me!

Audrey: I can: $1654.11.

Fletcher: [yelling at attendant] HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Ms. Berry - Teacher: Today we're going to talk about what our parents do for work.

Little Girl: My mommy is a doctor.

Little Boy: My daddy is a truck driver.

Max Reede: Well my mom's a teacher.

Ms. Berry - Teacher: And your dad?

Max Reede: My dad he's a liar.

Ms. Berry - Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max Reede: Well he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Ms. Berry - Teacher: Oh I see. You mean he's a lawyer.

Max Reede: [shrugs his shoulders in a yeah whatever mood]

Fletcher Reede: [outtake] Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!

Dana Appleton: Your Honor, I object!

Fletcher Reede: You would!

Dana Appleton: Overactor!

Fletcher Reede: Jezebel

[bursts out laughing]

Fletcher Reede: .

Dana Appleton: [points at director] He put me up to it! Tom Shadyac!

Fletcher Reede: Oh no, they're on to me!

Fletcher: [outside of Max's school] See, Max, I have to lie. Everybody lies. Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.

Max Reede: But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.

Mr. Allen: [Fletcher is shaken by the court ruling and seeing Samantha Cole pull her children away from their father, and Mr. Allen congratulating him on his performance doesn't help] I love children! They give you so much leverage in a case like this. You did an incredible job, partner.

[Mr. Allen holds out his hand and Fletcher reluctantly shakes it. Mr. Allen misinterprets Fletcher's speechlessness for pleasant surprise and chuckles at Miranda]

Mr. Allen: Look at him. He's stunned; he can't believe it!

[Appalled at both himself and Mr. Allen, Fletcher breaks off the handshake and looks at his bosses in disgust]

Fletcher: Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

Judge Stevens: We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

Fletcher: Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.

Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

Fletcher: I know, but this is just... WRONG, isn't it? I manipulated the system! Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!

Judge Stevens: Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is NOT something I'm prepared to tolerate!

Fletcher: Well, maybe you can tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!

Judge Stevens: [angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

Fletcher: I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT! Why should YOU be any different?

Judge Stevens: Bailiff, take him away!

Fletcher: [points to Mr. Cole] This man is a good father!

[glares at Miranda and Mr. Allen]

Fletcher: And children are not leverage!

[as the bailiff manhandles him out of court]

Fletcher: Oh, no, don't do this! l have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! It's my last chance! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!

Fletcher: [after Fletcher steals a flight of stairs and gets injured at the airport, Audrey comes over to check on him] Audrey!

Audrey: Fletcher!

Fletcher: Great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.

Audrey: Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?

Fletcher: [sits up] No! I'm thinking clear. I've NEVER been this clear.

Max Reede: [approaches] Dad?

Fletcher: [smiles] Creep. I was getting kind of upset.

Max Reede: Are you all right?

Fletcher: Yeah.

[points to his heart]

Fletcher: But I'm hurting here though. I'm a dope, Max. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I felt like it but I didn't. Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston and I started thinking. I could be sitting around sometime; I wanna look at you and hold you and play with you. And I wanna be able to. I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that. I love you more than anything else in the world, Max. And you know it's true! I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today. I love you. And I'll NEVER hurt you again.

[gently wipes a tear off Max's cheek with his thumb]