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Barry: Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.
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John Lyshitski: Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.
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John Lyshitski: We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.
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Nelson Biederman IV: It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.
John Lyshitski: [annoyed] "Crying takes the sad out of you"? Hey, that shit may have flown back when you were a human being, but you're not now. You're a piece of meat and you're in the grinder. The softer you are, the more it's gonna grind you up, and the more them animals are gonna wanna eat you. Alright, you gotta toughen up. Show me your tough face.
-
Nelson Biederman IV: [Long silence] So now what do we do?
John Lyshitski: Hmm?
[pause]
John Lyshitski: What do you mean?
Nelson Biederman IV: What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?
John Lyshitski: We're doin' it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?
Nelson Biederman IV: [pause] Yeah.
John Lyshitski: This is what they were referring to.
-
Barry: [flirting] Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.
Nelson Biederman IV: [extremely uncomfortable] Haven't you heard the news Barry?
Barry: The news? Oh yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.
-
[after the jury have watched a tape of Nelson robbing the drug store]
Judge Eva Fwae Wun: Mr. Hingly?
Duane: Oh, yeah?
Judge Eva Fwae Wun: You may proceed with your defense.
Duane: [whispering to Nelson] Watch this.
[Duane walks up to the jury]
Duane: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you are aware that Jeff Goldblum have never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a T.V. not unlike that one.
[Duane points dramatically at the television]
Duane: I rest my case!
[Nelson looks confused and shocked]
John Lyshitski: Bwahahah!
-
[Some of the prisoners try to grab Nelson in the shower, but John comes to his rescue]
John Lyshitski: Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that?
[Pushes the one standing closest]
John Lyshitski: This little frilly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little asshole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry!
[slaps his hand on Nelson's butt and points at Barry]
John Lyshitski: That goes for you!
[Barry walks off]
John Lyshitski: That big bastard is the head of the Black G Lords.
[Nelson is stiff as a board]
Nelson Biederman IV: I don't mean to sound ungrateful John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?
John Lyshitski: Nope, probably not. But it happened.
[Doesn't remove his hand before now]
-
John Lyshitski: If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have fifteen cents.
-
John Lyshitski: Same Lyshitski, different day.
-
Barry: Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!
[Nelson shaking with fear]
-
John Lyshitski: Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over two million Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.
-
John Lyshitski: It costs $54 a day to keep a person in prison, which comes out to $75 million a day nationally. That's $28 billion a year. When you think about it, wouldn't it be cheaper just to let us keep your goddamn car stereos?
-
Stripper: [wearing a halo head-and-neck brace] Anybody want to buy me a champagne drink? How about a fancy beer? 15 bucks for a lap dance.
John Lyshitski: Yeah, I'm not that horny. I just got out of prison.
-
Nelson Biederman IV: Now we're even. I have done you wrong, and you've stabbed me twice with forks.
-
Nelson Biederman IV: What's on the menu today, good sir?
Cafeteria Worker: That's meat...that ain't meat.
Nelson Biederman IV: ....ain't meat.
-
Barry: If you lie to me I cut your genitalia and put it in shoe box.
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Nelson Biederman IV: "Dear new pen pal, my name is Nelson Biederman IV, I'm 30 years old, and I've been in prison for three months. In this hell hole, I've had my ass kicked so many times, my ass has foot prints in it. But you know what? I think I'm going to make it. At least I know it can't possibly get any worse. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll have to sign off now, as someone is pissing on me. Your new friend, Nelson."
-
John Lyshitski: [emerging from the grave] Oh, my God. I gotta drop a deuce like no one's business.
-
Warden: If you feel that you've been treated unfairly, write it neatly on some paper, fold it up real good, pull your cheeks apart and stick it up your asshole. If you have comments or suggestions about how I run my prison or, let's say, maybe the cuisine is not to your liking, please write a letter to my office. Just make sure that under "return address," you write the word "asshole," so that my head guard, Mr. Shanahan, can assist you in pulling your cheeks apart and sticking it up your asshole.
-
Lynard: It takes a lot of guts to do what you just did. Nobody's ever stood up to me before, except my old man.
Nelson Biederman IV: I'm sure he's a great man.
Lynard: I killed him. I'm gonna kill you the same way.
Nelson Biederman IV: You didn't kill him with kindness, did you?
Lynard: With a hammer.
Nelson Biederman IV: Just like the Beatles song...
-
Black Juror: We, the jury, find the defendant, Nelson Biederman, quilty.
Judge Eva Fwae Wun: Do you mean guilty?
Black Juror: Oh, yeah. Well, it kind of looked like it was a "Q."
-
Warden: I have a notoriously dry sense of humor.
-
John Lyshitski: [narrating] The three scariest words in the English language: "Trial by jury." Juries are made up of 12 people who are so dumb they couldn't even think up an excuse to get out of jury duty.
-
Billy: [a 2nd grader, in grade school, standing at a podium, reading aloud his letter from Nelson Biederman IV, to the whole class] "Dear Pen Pal. Well, I'm beaten. It's all over for me. I have to do whatever I have to do to get away from the evil, soulless douche-bags who populate this filth-infested shit hole. I dream about lining up the ass-wipes who run this place and cutting off their dicks. Pardon my fucking French. I guess they win. They've made me into one of them. From one vicious mother-fucker to another. Good luck with the rest of the second grade and stay free. Your pal in the pen, Nelson."
Let's Go to Prison Quotes
Extended Reading
