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Archie: Boy these vodka Red Bulls are strange. I feel like I'm getting drunk and electrocuted at the same time! The music, it's loud! It's like everything sounds alike, like they're playing the same song over and over and over again. I probably should get up and dance but I'm used to having a partner. It doesn't seem to matter to that fella. Maybe I'll give it a shot. Maybe not. I hope they play something different. Maybe now.
-
Young Paddy: No one calls us names except for us.
Young Billy: This fight us gonna make us legends. Run!
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Paddy: If you think I'm leaving this apartment, you're dumber than that hat.
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Sam: [upon seeing Billy] Where did you get the extra hair?
Archie: His ass.
-
Archie: I'm gonna find some damn water and take all my damn pills and get this party started.
-
Diana: You know, you are not as charming as you think you are.
Billy: Well, no one could be, quite frankly.
-
Hot Waitress: Do you guys have drugs?
Sam: Does Lipitor count?
-
Sam: The thing is... It's crazy, but whenever something spectacular happens to me, the first thing I want to do is tell my wife about it. And, after 40 years of marriage, if I can't tell her about something wonderful that happened to me, it sort of stops being wonderful.
-
Billy: I'm old. You know? And without her, I'm just scared of being old.
[sighs]
Billy: We were 17, you now, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is.
-
Billy: [making an announcement] On behalf of Binion's, I'd like to apologize for the delay in the show, but, um, I'm really interested in the performer. She's the most amazing woman I ever met. And I just can't believe in two days that she's, you know, inside my heart.
Billy: [whispering now to the audience] But I don't want her to know, because, you know, with gorgeous women, they like men that like to play hard-to-get.
-
Paddy: [Knock on the door] What? Go away, I got a bat.
Elizabeth: It's Elizabeth, your neighbour. I brought you soup.
Paddy: That's why I have the bat.
-
Billy: Why every time the phone rings you think somebody is dying.
Sam: I live in Florida now, usually when the phone rings somebody IS dying.
-
Billy: I'm getting married.
Archie: What?
Sam: Wow!
Archie: To that young lady who's half your age?
Billy: She's almost 32.
Archie: Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32!
Billy: Look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be...
Archie: Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.
-
Diana: That's a generous offer. Are you good in bed, Sam?
Sam: I don't remember.
-
Archie: We're all here to celebrate Billy marrying an infant.
Billy: She's not an infant.
-
[Dean has been led to believe the Flatbush Four are mafioso]
Dean: I'm very sorry, sir.
Paddy: Shut up, Dickhead! You think we give a shit about your sorries! Don't you know you're messing with Billy Bones, Archie Aces, Sammy the... the...
Sam: the Accountant!
Paddy: Yeah.
Sam: Sammy the Stove! They call me that because I *cook the books*!
-
[Paddy just knocked Dean to the ground]
Paddy: NO ONE calls us names except US!
-
Dean: Please, sirs. How can I make it up to you?
Paddy: Alright! Just get us some ice waters. Maybe later we'll find you other stuff to do.
Sam: Yeah, maybe later Knuckles here will let you wash his balls!
Sam: [beat] Oooh. Sorry. That sounded weird, didn't it?
Dean: Four Ice Waters?
Paddy: [Paddy glares] GO!
Dean: Right away, sir.
-
[Archie just gave Dean a very generous tip]
Dean: Thank you so much, Mr. Aces.
Sam: [to Dean] You breathe a WORD about us to the Feds, we will *hunt you down*!
[Archie nods, Paddy shakes a fist]
Dean: [scared] Your secret's safe with me Mr. Accountant.
-
Dean: Hey, pal, if I want your opinion, I'll just beat it out of you, all right?
-
Billy: Welcome to Las Vegas!
Paddy: Relax, Gershon, it's not like you invented it.
-
Paddy: Prick!
Sam: Asshole.
-
Sam: Nap time.
-
Sam: Paddy, you have got to come with us to Las Vegas!
Paddy: If you think I'm leavin' the apaartment, you're dumber than that hat.
-
Sam: [to an elderly woman next to him in the senior pool] Lookin' good,, Gloria. Oh, sorry - did I just step on your foot, or was that your breast?
-
Sam: [after turning down a prostitute because he couldn't share the memory with his wife] You know, a blow job wouldn't be out of the question.
-
Paddy: [to the girl across the hall] Find a man and stop bringin' me soup!
-
Sam: When you're from Brooklyn, getting involved isn't an option.
-
Sam: I live in Florida now. Usually when the phone rings, somebody is dying.
-
Sam: We have a problem. The rooms aren't gonna be ready for another year and a half. They're still remodeling. Archibald, did this topic come up when you made the reservation?
Archie: No, because you insisted on making the reservations.
Sam: I insisted, but then you insisted. And it is the second insister...
Archie: Sam.
Sam: That supersedes the...
Archie: Sam. I offered, you insisted.
-
Archie Clayton: Put that stuff down. Go have some fun, you've earned it.
Dean: Really?
Archie Clayton: Really!
Dean: Aces, thank you so much! I appreciate it.
Archie Clayton: Oh, before you go out there...
Archie Clayton: Ask the girl to dance, don't tell her. Ok?
Archie Clayton: Tell her how beautiful she is, not how sexy she is.
Archie Clayton: Tell her that from the time she walked in here you have not been able to take your eyes off of her.
Dean: That's kinda true.
Archie Clayton: Ok, now go for it!
[Dean goes up to the beautiful lady to ask her to dance and she says Yes. Then Dean looks back at Archie and gives him a look as if he was saying, "Your advice worked! Thanks!"]
Archie Clayton: I'll be damned!
-
Archie: I peed myself.
Last Vegas Quotes
Extended Reading
