Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India Quotes

Col. Boyer: At ease, Captain. You know Major Cotton. That is Major Warren. Take a seat. Now, what is this we hear? That you have agreed to cancel the tax of the farmers in Champaner if they beat you in a game of cricket? Is this true?

Capt. Russell: Yes, Colonel Boyer, sir, it is.

Col. Boyer: What on earth do you think you're here for? To play games?

Maj. Warren: Let me remind you that you are working here for Her Majesty, the Queen. Your job is to ensure the smooth running of your province.

Capt. Russell: Pardon me, sir, but that's exactly what I'm doing.

Maj. Cotton: I think we'll be the judge of that, Russell! We also understand that if you lose this so-called match, you will cancel their taxes for the next three years.

Maj. Warren: Not just Champaner but the entire province.

Capt. Russell: But they won't win.

Maj. Warren: You're missing the whole bloody point! Do you realize, Captain Russell, that we could have on our hands a bloody situation where there'll be cricket matches happening all over the damn sub-continent in order to cancel the bloody tax?

Capt. Russell: There is one thing you don't know. If they lose, which they will, they will have to pay the Queen three times the tax.

Maj. Cotton: This is ridiculous! This OFFICER wants to make the government a bookie through which he can place his wagers! What'll you have us do next? Race horses?

Col. Boyer: This is the most preposterous idea I have ever heard of! Now jolly well understand this: if you win, you will have had a narrow escape. But if you lose, YOU will pay the taxes for Champaner and the entire province OUT OF YOUR OWN POCKET! And then you'll be packed off to Central Africa! Is that clear?

Capt. Russell: Yes, Sir!

Col. Boyer: That'll be all. You may go.

Gauri: You think I don't see which way the Ganges is flowing?

Bhuvan: Oh, pity me, I feel the pain of the scorpion's sting. You're jealous!

Gauri: [gasps] Why should I be jealous? Jealousy is beneath me.

Bhuvan: You're jealous, and I know who you're jealous of.

Gauri: I never want to see you again, and don't even try and talk to me.

Lakha: See how badly hurt I am?

Gauri: Hurt? It's my father you need. Not me. Father? Lakha has cut his hand.

Ishwar: He seems to cut his hand more than he cuts wood.

Ramprasad: [choosing other team members] How about Kashi Nath?

Bhura: Kashi Nath? If he runs, he'll split: Kashi one side, Nath the other!

Burton: [smugly hits Yardley's ball for 4] How was that?

Yardley: [bowls a fast ball, knocking Burton back onto his own wicket, sarcastically] How was *that*?

Gauri: Guran read my fortune today.

Bhuvan: So, what's the misfortune?

Gauri: So mean! I won't tell you.

Bhuvan: [laughs] All right, tell me. Come on, tell me.

Gauri: Guran said I'll put henna on my hands this year. I mean, get married.

Bhuvan: Wow! That's great! Such happy news. You'll be dancing with joy. Who's the boy?

Gauri: How would I know? Guran didn't tell me that. But, Guran said, for sure... the house I marry into will have a Neem tree in the courtyard, a big field beside the house, two cows, a pair of oxen, and three goats. Guran said my home will be a little heaven.

Bhuvan: Wow! How wonderful! You're really lucky.

Gauri: Lucky! You call this lucky?

Bhuvan: Well, a little heaven of a home. What more do you want?

Gauri: God knows what'll become of me! Well, Bhuvan, tell me one thing. What kind of girl do you like?

Bhuvan: I... I will like only the girl whom my mother likes.

Gauri: Whom your mother likes?

Bhuvan: Yes.

[Gauri is walking away in tears, Bhuvan shouts after her]

Bhuvan: Hey Gauri! There's only one house in the village with a neem tree in the yard. There's also a big field beside it. There's some chickens, two cows, and three goats. And I know whose house that is! It's mine, you silly girl! One thing before you go. Mother likes you, too!

[the other villagers are refusing to let an untouchable join the team]

Bhuvan: Let me remind you all of one thing: this is not a game we are playing for fun and entertainment - this is a fight we must win.

[the other villagers are refusing to let Kachra, an untouchable, join the team]

Bhuvan: Whether you support me or not, Kachra will play.

[Guran is coming in to bat]

British Team Member: Coming from the jungle?

[men laughing]

British Team Member 2: Make way!

[men laughing]

British Team Member: Don't get too close, Smithy!

[men laughing]

British Team Member 2: What on Earth is he doing?

Capt. Russell: This way, sir.

[men laughing]

Col. Boyer: What an extrodinary stance! It looks as if he's riding a horse!

[Guran hits a six by hitting the ball twice]

Col. Boyer: Well struck, sir!

Capt. Russell: Umpire, he can't do that. It's not cricket.

Bhuvan: Guran, hit the ball only once.

Guran: Okay.

Guran: [hits the ball DOWNWARDS while doing some leg movement] Hail Hanuman, the Mighty Ape!

Rajah Puran Singh: THAT'S called Kicking The Horse!

[men laughing]

Col. Boyer: Indeed!

[men laughing]

[Russell comes back from his meeting with the senior soldiers, where they got mad about the tax cancellation, a soldier salutes and walks by...]

Capt. Russell: Is that the way a soldier behaves? You're SUPPOSED TO SALUTE when a superior officer passes!

British Soldier: I did, Sir.

Capt. Russell: I didn't see it!

British Soldier: [Salutes]

Capt. Russell: That's better.

Lt. Smith: I imagine your meeting didn't go quite as expected, sir?

Capt. Russell: Damn right it didn't! The senile old hats want to teach me how to run the show. They've lost their sense of adventure with age!

[watching British play Cricket so they can learn, and they see the Umpire stick his finger up]

Tipu: Why is he pointing up?

Bhuvan: That's what I'M trying to understand.

Guran: Maybe he's calling for his Ma. She's sitting up there, eh?

[Laughing]

Bhuvan: Where's Gauri?

Jigni: She's gone.

Bhuvan: Where? Why are you glaring at me like that?

[Jigni walks off]

Bhuvan: What the hell have I done now?

Goli: Will our dream ever come true? No, Bhuvan. It hurts too much to dream like that.

Bhuvan: Have faith, Goli. He who has truth and courage in his heart shall win in the end.

Umpire: No ball!

Capt. Russell: [as he and Yardley, slightly incredulous, go over to the umpire] What?

Umpire: No ball!

Yardley: You're kidding me...

Capt. Russell: "No ball"? What do you mean, "no ball"?

Umpire: His foot was over the line.

Capt. Russell: [Turning to Yardley] Yardley?

Yardley: Are you quite certain, umpire?

Umpire: I am not discussing it any further, sir. I suggest we get on with the game.

Capt. Russell: Very well...

Capt. Russell: [Returning to his teammates] Gentlemen, we have one more ball. Back to your positions!