-
Omi: Saint Nicholas is not coming this year. Instead, a much darker, ancient spirit. His name is Krampus. He and his helpers did not come to give, but to take. He is the shadow of Saint Nicholas.
-
Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!
Max: I don't know what you're talking about!
Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?
Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back; Beth stops him] Stop!
Stevie: [reading] "Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you!" Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...
Beth Engel: [stops him from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!
Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wish list!
Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!
Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!
[reading]
Stevie: "I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to."
[Beth turns her head to Max]
Stevie: "Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends."
[she pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles]
Stevie: Oh, no, really Max?
[Jordan laughs and she continues reading]
Stevie: "I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again."
[Tom and Howard look at each other]
Stevie: "I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other."
[Linda enters]
Stevie: "Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda."
[Stevie and Linda look at each other]
Stevie: "So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year."
[turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]
Stevie: "And... and that..."
[angrily]
Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!
Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters with carambola] Who wants carambola?
[Beth turns her head to Sarah and Sarah stops smiling on realizing the situation]
Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!
Tom: Hey! Max?
[Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]
Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] All right, that's enough!
Tom: You okay? Honey!
Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!
[angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]
Sarah Engel: Max? Max!
Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!
[Max slams his bedroom door]
Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!
-
Linda: It's Christmas. Nothing bad is going to happen on Christmas!
-
Howard: How come rich people get all the free shit?
Linda: I don't know, honey!
-
Howard: You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?
Tom: Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.
-
Max: Are we going to be okay?
[Omi talks in German]
Max: What?
Aunt Dorothy: She said we're fucked!
-
Howard: We should have gone to stay with my brother!
Linda: Your brother lives in a barn!
Howard: Jesus was born in a barn!
-
Omi: Like he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward, but to punish. Not to give, but to take.
-
Omi: Please, listen...
Aunt Dorothy: English. I knew it.
-
Linda: You let them go to the bathroom alone!
Aunt Dorothy: There was another option?
-
Aunt Dorothy: I'm old enough to know when life is coming at me with its pants down.
-
Max: I don't even know how to drive a stick. We have a hybrid!
-
Aunt Dorothy: So what kind of godforsaken concoction are you whipping up now? You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes.
Sarah Engel: Well how about we go to your trailer for Christmas next year, hm? And after you spending weeks decorating and cooking and cleaning, I might just waddle in and start bitching and moaning about everything you worked so hard on!
Aunt Dorothy: Oh Sarah, you know I...
Sarah Engel: No, Aunt Dorothy, please! For your sake, just... stay the hell out of my kitchen!
-
Max: I don't get it. Every year it gets worse. Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?
Tom: Because that's what a family is, Max. People you try to be friends with, even though you don't have a whole lot in common.
Max: But why?
Tom: *Because*... well...
[pauses to think]
Tom: Okay, you kind of got me there.
-
Omi: It started with the wind, on a cold night, much like this. It was almost Christmas, but this Christmas was darker, less cheerful. But I still believed in Santa, in magic and miracles, and the hope that we could find joy again. But our village had given up on miracles, and on each other. They had forgotten the spirit of Christmas, the sacrifice of giving, and my family was no different. I tried to help them to believe again, but we were no longer the loving family I remembered. They too had given up. And eventually, so did I. And for the first time, I didn't wish for a miracle. I wished for them to go away. A wish I would come to regret. And that night, in the darkness of a howling blizzard... I got my wish. I knew Saint Nicholas was not coming this year. Instead, it was a much darker, more ancient spirit. The shadow of Saint Nicholas. It was... Krampus. And as he had for thousands of years, Krampus came not to reward, but to punish, not to give, but to take. He, and his helpers. I could only listen as they dragged my family into the underworld, knowing that I would be next. But Krampus did not take me that night. He left me, as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost, when belief is forgotten, and the Christmas spirit... dies.
-
Tom: And, was drop-kicking him into the manger really the best way to handle this?
Max: Okay, that was not my fault. I was under the influence. All I had to eat was Christmas fudge and candy canes.
Krampus Quotes
Extended Reading
