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Ronnie Kwok: Did you read this page?
Eric: Um... why?
Ronnie Kwok: Did you read it?
Joe: Yes, yes! Holy fuck, yes! We read it, and it scared that crazy chick back to hell, or wherever the fuck she came from. And if that doesn't give me level twenty seven I don't know what will Kwoks so why don't you pony up.
Ronnie Kwok: No, no no no. Ok, it all makes sense.
Joe: It makes no sense, it's gibberish.
Ronnie Kwok: It makes sense! It makes sense that you speak enochian!
Eric: Enochian, what? You made that up.
Ronnie Kwok: This is the sigalomaimith. It is the only one of it's kind. It was handwritten in the sixteenth century by the mystic John Dee and it has been lost for generations.
Eric: Uh bullshit. It came from the internet, not the sixteenth century. If you're trying to get out of admitting how awesome I am...
Ronnie Kwok: John Dee was trying to summon angels, but evil travels under it's own power he actually summoned demons, and the demons forged this book!
Joe: What are you saying Kwok?
Ronnie Kwok: Dee tried to destroy it, but he couldn't, so he sealed it and he hid it deep underneath his manner estate, and it has been lost for generations. But here it is, in your incapable hands, and you summoned a succubus from hell! And then this last passage that you just read, the herald of Abominog. And in the language, "Lay the name of the hell lord Abominog, and I hath spoken the name, and hell hath raineth down!" You didn't injure it you ignorant fuck, you transformed it!
Eric: [pauses] Sorry.
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Eric: And Guinevere the fearless, who's plus-three ass of perfection should keep the memory of she who should not be mentioned at bay.
Gwen: Plus-three? Clearly you underestimate my endowments.
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Ronnie Kwok: [sung] And your appeasement of the gods of Vincebus...
[normal voice]
Ronnie Kwok: have failed.
Eric: What? Seven blood packs not enough, Ronnie?
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Ronnie Kwok: If you don't stop complaining, the gods of Vincebus are going to curse all your characters with a case of evil herpes!
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Eric: Fear not, Sir Reginald, for I have just the magic needed. Excuse me, while I whipeth this out.
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Eric: Fuck. Shit! We gotta go back for the book!
Hung: What book?
Eric: I brought that kick-ass old book I was gonna to use for my spells! Fuck! I must have dropped it when the paintballers attacked us! Shit!
Hung: Hey, is this it?
Eric: [calmly] That's it.
[pause]
Eric: Whoo. Thank god.
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Hung: We'll be back, you redneck cocksuckers. This I vow.
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Beth: You live in a fake castle leeching off your accidental millionaire loser friend playing black metal in your bedroom. You'll never change.
Gilberto: Uh, it's *doom* metal.
Beth: Who the fuck asked you?
Joe: Well, he's right. Gilberto, you're the fucking man! It *was* black. Then we went through a sludge phase. Now it's more doom.
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Eric: [listening to Joe play on his guitar] That's a power ballad.
Hung: What's wrong with him?
Eric: Oh, she dumped you, didn't she?
Joe: [Throws a rock at a picture of him and Beth, knocking it off the drawer] Fuck off!
Hung: Woah, nice shot. So your body is already subconsciously moving on.
Eric: I knew that this day would come.
Joe: You had a vision of her just ripping out my heart huh?
Eric: Yeah.
Joe: Thanks for the heads up mighty warlock!
Eric: I'm a twenty six level wizard buddy. I know you know that and you're just trying to be hurtful.
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Hung: Adventuring is exactly what thou needst!
Joe: "Needst" is not a word.
Hung: Where we are, it is.
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Ronnie Kwok: Joe Revitt's here? What the frack, Eric. I hate that guy!
Eric: Ronald, Ronald, why be so petty? I mean, surely, you're not still sore about your syphilitic paladin. Perhaps the pages of your monster manual remain... stucketh together?
Ronnie Kwok: [pause] For old time sake, he's in.
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Hung: 'Tis not the size of the young knave's blade, but the lust in his thrust by which legends are made!
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Hung: I can hear the breeze on my skin. 'Tis burnt orange.
Lando: And in English?... What the fuck's he saying?
Ronnie Kwok: [whispering] I don't know.
Hung: There's electricity in the air.
Lando: Ok Ronnie, so if he goes insane can I inherit his experience points?
Ronnie Kwok: You are obsessed with experience points. No, let's not talk about that now.
Lando: I'm just saying, that's a waste of experience. I could use that.
Hung: Still thy cowardly tongue!
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Hung: 'Tis a cruel act of the gods to waste such a sweet backside on such a filthy beast.
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Eric: How awesome was that?
Lando: An A plus mother fucker!
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Joe: Where the fuck are the keys?
Eric: Come on Joe, you played d and d. Live action roleplay is the next level.
Joe: D and d was a long time ago.
Eric: Yeah, and you were a legend. These people here, they sing songs about the time that you gave Ronnie Kwok's paladin demonic syphilis.
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Ronnie Kwok: That looks terrible. My three year-old nephew could make a better map. And he's got learning disabilities. It'll have to do. You my friend are on dragon duty. Take these and make sure that we are good to go. And dragon rider... just don't fuck with my stereo.
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Eric: I'm gonna stop saving your lives if you don't show me some fucking gratitude!
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Ronnie Kwok: What the fuck was that man? Oh my god she was not normal, she was like some she-beast from the... Oh my sweet shit. Oh my sweet sweet shit Eric, you fucking asshole, I have to warn him. Where the fuck am I? They suck at making maps!
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Hung: Fuck you and the mustache you rode in on!
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Joe: Verily, this is retarded.
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Joe: To the nether realms. Bitch.
Knights of Badassdom Quotes
Extended Reading
