Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Quotes

Perry: My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift. You threw in the lake next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake? You think they'll find my pistol. Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

Harry: A picture of me?

Perry: No! The definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!

Harry: [referring to his nickname "Gay Perry"] Still gay?

Perry: Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.

Harry: Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?

Perry: Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my faggot gun.

Harry: Because...

Perry: Because its only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, Chief.

Harry: Is she a looker?

Perry: She opens the door, and she got nothing on but the radio. Yeah, invites me to sit down, sits on my lap, fires up a spliff.

Harry: Geez. Really?

Perry: No. Idiot.

Perry: Rule number 1...

Harry: Yeah.

Perry: This business. Real life, boring.

B-Movie Actress: So what do you do for a living?

Harry: Uh, I'm retired. I invented dice when I was a kid. How about you do?

Perry: He called her a... well, a bad word.

[pause]

Perry: Cunt.

Harry: Do you think I'm stupid?

Perry: I don't think you'd know where to put food at, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.

[Harry catches Agent Type feeling up Harmony, who's passed out]

Harry: You know what? You'd better be her doctor.

[Agent Type looks up, busted]

Harry: Walk away, don't think, just do it.

Agent Type: What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will fuck you up.

Harry: [coolly] No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the *fuck* away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.

[Cut immediately to Harry on the ground, getting savagely beaten by the Agent Type]

Harmony: Well, for starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had a hot meal.

Harry: Yeah, I heard about that. It was neck-and-neck and then she skipped lunch.

Harry: She had something, that gal tonight, this quality. You know, like the girl from high school, the one that got away that - you know what I mean? - that haunts you still.

Perry: Yeah, I had that.

Harry: You did?

Perry: Bobby Mills.

Harry: Eugh. Hunh. Well, maybe you should try to get in touch with him. I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.

Perry: Really? That's funny. I got a 10 says pass the pepper. I got two quarters sing harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont".

Harry: What?

Harry: Talking money.

Harry: A talking monkey?

Perry: A talking monkey, yeah, yeah. Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says "ficus".

Perry: Merry Christmas, sorry I fucked you over.

Harry: No problem. Don't quit your gay job.

Mr. Frying Pan: Well now, here we all are. Ike, Mike and Mustard.

Harry: What the hell does that mean?

Mr. Fire: You know, I'm with him on this one man, that's pretty fuckin' obscure.

Mr. Frying Pan: Horseshit, I hear that all the time.

Mr. Fire: You do?

Mr. Frying Pan: Yeah, sure.

Mr. Fire: Where, at the 1942 club?

Mr. Frying Pan: Hey, just cause you didn't get in...

Mr. Fire: Motherfucker I could've gotten in...

[Harry tries to make a break for it]

Mr. Fire: [pushing Harry back into his seat] Hey-ey-EY! Slow your roll, man!

Harmony: [naked in bed] You can sleep here if you want but it would only be sleeping, Harry... if thats gonna frustrate you.

Harry: [pause] Let's see.

Perry: [talking over the phone] We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?

Harry: [over the phone] Excuse me?

Perry: Gloves. Do you have gloves? You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's probably calling the cops on you right now. Do this: wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.

Harry: Okay, any particular kind of gloves?

Perry: [sarcastically] Yes, fawn. Will you fucking hurry!

Harry: Perry?

Perry: Yeah?

Harry: I peed on it.

Perry: What? You peed on what?

Harry: I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, I.D. from that?

Perry: I'm sorry, you peed on...?

Harry: On the corpse. My question is...

Perry: No, my question, I get to go first: Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?

Harry: I didn't intend to! It's not like I did it for kicks!

Harry: Watch your hand.

[Harry slams the door in Harmony's face]

Harry: Look, you want to see something cool?

[Harry pulls out a copy of a Gossamer book with a hole in it]

Harmony: Oh cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry.

[Harmony pokes her finger through the hole in the book. Harry taps his bullet wound]

Harry: No, not really.

Harry: Hey, hey, hey! It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?

Perry: Your fucking present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.

Perry: Rule number one: this business, real life, it's boring. Do you have to smoke?

Harry: You want me to put it out?

Perry: Yeah, soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.

Harry: Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too. In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending so the guy shows up, he's magically alive on crutches, I hate that. I mean shit, why not bring them all back?

[Everyone who has been killed in the movie starts meandering into the hospital room, including Abraham Lincoln; a nurse shoos them all out again.]

Harry: But the point is in this case, this time, it really happened. Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing, but what do you want me to do, lie about it?

[even fat Elvis walks into the room for a couple of seconds, before being shooed out.]

Perry: What are you doing?

Harry: I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave people with a message.

Perry: Oh, I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.

Harry: Sorry.

[Harry moves his feet]

Harry: I work for Perry now, obviously.

Perry: [Perry places his hand over Harry's mouth] And stop narrating.

Harry: Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?

Harmony: Bad.

Harry: Bad? Sorry... feel...?

Harmony: You feel bad.

Harry: Bad?

Harmony: Badly is an adverb. So to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.

Perry: Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.

Harry: Bad.

Perry: Excuse me?

Harry: Sleep bad. Otherwise it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...

Perry: What, fuckhead? Who taught you grammar? Badly's an adverb. Get out. Vanish.

Perry: [Calling Harmony after escaping torture with Harry] Hey, Harmony, it's me.

Harmony: Oh, God, how did you get away?

Perry: I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.

Harry: Is she dead?

Perry: No, she's just resting her eyes for a minute. Of course she's fucking dead, her neck's broken.

Perry: You think that's funny huh? I'm going to break your nose now.

[nonchalantly pistol whips the guy in the nose]

Harry: Well what I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing?"

[Loads one round into the revolver to play Russian Roulette]

Harry: Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball? I can do that.

[Spins the chamber and points the gun]

Harry: Where is the girl?

[Shoots the guy in the head]

Perry: [Stuttering at first] What did you just do?

Harry: [Confused] I just put in one bullet, didn't I?

Perry: You put a live round in that gun?

Harry: Well yeah, there was like an 8% chance.

Perry: Eight? Who taught you math!

Perry: How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

Harry: Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Perry: Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

Harry: So the whole... reconcilement... thing?

Perry: Reconciliation, idiot.

[shortly after Mr. Frying Pan makes an obscure "Ike, Mike, and Mustard" reference]

Mr. Frying Pan: You wanna know who we are? I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here, he's...

Mr. Fire: Mustard. I'm Mustard, baby.

Mr. Frying Pan: He's the fire. Fuck you, Mr. Mustard.

Harry: What is it out here with these women?

Harmony: Oh please, Harry, they're no different from anywhere else.

Harry: Yes, they are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back. I'm telling you, you take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood - dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular...

Harry: [putting a cigarette in his mouth] ... Now, you take one of these... gals, who sleeps with 100 guys a year, and I *bet* you if you look in their childhood, there's something rotten in Denver.

Harmony: Denmark.

Harry: [closing his cigarette lighter] That too! But it's abandonment, it's abuse, it's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa!"... and then they all come out here!

Harry: [continuing] I mean, it's literally like someone took America by the East Coast and *shook* it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

Harmony: OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!

[all the girls in the club raise their hands]

Perry: See that? Obedient little bitches too.

[girl screams "Fuck you!" and throws a glass, which he dodges]

Harmony: You think I'm amazing. You do. Cause that's who I told you I'd be. That was the game plan.

Harry: Yeah, well, you know what, it worked.

Harmony: You know what? No one else thinks so.

Harry: What, my opinion doesn't count?

Harmony: Actually, no it doesn't. Cause you're new here. If you just look around, there's younger and there's better.

Harry: I don't want younger and better, I want you!

Perry: I'd understand if you wanted to take a swing at me...

Perry: [Harry lands a quick punch to Perry's chin] You fuck!

Perry: Don't blame yourself. Listen. sometimes these things just happen.

Harry: For a reason. For a reason? Why? Because I fall off a building, 10 people in Baltimore survive a bus crash? Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.

Perry: I've been to Baltimore. You win.

Perry: How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

Harry: Ah, sometimes, like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Perry: Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

Harmony's Dad: Do I know you?

Perry: No. Just in town for the funeral.

Harmony's Dad: What do you want?

Perry: Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.

Harmony's Dad: Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!

Perry: No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.

Harmony's Dad: Who are you? I loved my girl.

[Perry backhands him]

Harmony's Dad: You fucker! If I could get out of this bed...

Perry: Yeah? Well, you can't.

[Perry backhands him again]

Harmony's Dad: You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.

Perry: Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.

Perry: Do you have to smoke?

Harry: Do you want me to put it out, when we get near the...?

Perry: Yeah, as soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs. Just throw it in there.

Harmony: Oh, God. No more lies, Harry, no more. Are you a detective? Huh? Are you a detective, Harry?

Harry: Who told you that?

Harmony: Flicka, Flicka. You know? My friend Flicka, she told me. If you are, then I really need your help.

Harry: Well...

Harry: By the way, this thing?

[Imitates Perry's nose-touching gesture]

Harry: Single gayest thing you've ever done.

Harry: She slept with Chook Chutney!

Perry: Wait, "Chook Chutney"? Yeah he's gay.

Harry Lockhart: [narrating] Guy smoking that's Dabney Shaw my producer. He discovered me. The man with him is Perry van Shrike, a.k.a. Gay Perry. Honest-to-God private eye consulting film, tv, just incorporated. He's big time. Also he's gay.

Dabney Shaw: Don't start Perry, huh? I've seen you play ball and I know you're tough. It's just that you see a naked guy, and your brain says, "I want that". I don't make that leap. It's like, "Oh, look, there's an elephant! Quick, let's drain its blood to paint my boathouse". It's just that that's not the first thing you'd think of.

Pink Hair Girl: [She's just been shot, but sees him hiding under the bed] Who are you?

Harry Lockhart: [He puts his fingers to his lips, then hers, whispers] Shh... shit.

Pink Hair Girl: Uhh...

[she dies]

Perry: I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?

Dexter Clinic Guard: Screw you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.

Perry: Ambiguous? No, I don't think so.

Harry: No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head", okay, is that the bullet will BE inside your head? Or picture it IN your head?

Perry: [annoyed] Harry, will you shut up?