Kingsman: The Secret Service Quotes

[from trailer]

Harry Hart: [Quoting William Horman] "Manners maketh man." Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.

Gazelle: Looks like a lot of people are going to die.

Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck?

[Eggsy enters the study room with JB to meet with Arthur]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Merlin said you wanted to see me, sir?

Arthur: Sit down.

[Eggsy sits down while Arthur looks at JB]

Arthur: Pretty dog. What's his name?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: JB.

Arthur: As in James Bond?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No.

Arthur: Jason Bourne?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No. Jack Bauer.

Arthur: Oh.

[pauses]

Arthur: Bravo. It pains me to admit it, Eggsy, but one day, you might be as good a spy as any of them.

[Arthur pulls out a gun and points it at Eggsy, then offers it to him]

Arthur: Take it.

[Eggsy takes the gun]

Arthur: Shoot the dog.

[Surprised look at Eggsy, as he points the gun at JB. Meanwhile, in the room next door, Merlin hands Roxy a gun]

Merlin: This weapon is live. Shoot the dog.

[Back in the study room, Eggsy continues to hesitate as JB stares at him. He shakes his head in disagreement]

Arthur: Give me the gun.

[Eggsy points the gun at Arthur. Suddenly, there is a gunshot from next door. Arthur takes the gun from him]

Arthur: At least the girl's got balls. Get out. I knew you couldn't make it. Go home.

[Eggsy and JB leave the room]

Arthur: Merlin, send in Roxy, please.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Sorry, love. Gotta save the world.

Princess Tilde: [In a thick, Swedish accent] If you save the world, we can do it in the... asshole.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [Calmly] I will be right back.

Harry Hart: The suit is the modern gentleman's armour. The Kingsmen are the new knights.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: How deep does this fuckin' elevator go?

Harry Hart: Deep enough.

[Hart arrives at Valentine's home. Valentine opens the door]

Valentine: Mr. DeVere. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Harry Hart: I'm awfully sorry. I seem to have my dates muddled up.

Valentine: Oh, no no no. I cancelled the gala because of you. Anybody willing to donate that much deserves a private dinner. Come in.

Harry Hart: Thank you.

Valentine: Gotta admit, I was really intrigued to meet you. There aren't many billionaires I don't know.

Harry Hart: I don't doubt it.

Valentine: Obviously, I've had my people looking into your... affairs and that's some pretty old money you're from. How'd your folks make it?

Harry Hart: Property, mostly. Property in the markets. Nothing personal, if that's your concern.

Valentine: Look, I'm just in to find out what kind of person you are. I'm sure you understand that.

Harry Hart: I most certainly do.

Valentine: Hope you're hungry.

Harry Hart: I'm famished.

Valentine: Good. Grab a seat.

[Gazelle brings in a silver food cart. Suspenseful music plays in the background as she places it between Hart and Valentine until she opens it, revealing McDonald's food]

Harry Hart: I'll have the Big Mac, please.

Valentine: Great choice. But nothing beats two cheeseburgers with secret sauce. Goes great with this '45 Lafitte.

Harry Hart: A classic pairing. And may I suggest Twinkies and a 1937 Chateau d'Yquem for pudding?

Valentine: I like it.

Valentine: So you want to donate to my foundation. You are aware that I wound things down in that area, right?

Harry Hart: Climate change is a threat which affects us all, Mr. Valentine. And you're one of the few powerful men who seems to share my concerns.

Valentine: I stepped things down because I wasn't getting anywhere. Every bit of research kept pointing to the same thing.

Harry Hart: The carbon emissions are a red herring, and we are past the point of no return, no matter what remedial actions we take.

Valentine: Uh-huh. You know your shit.

Harry Hart: I sometimes envy the blissful ignorance of those less well-versed in their... 'shit'. As Professor Arnold always said: 'Humankind is the only virus cursed to live with the horrifying knowledge of its host's fragile mortality.'

[Surprised look by Valentine]

Valentine: There are not a lot of people who knew about him.

[Short pause]

Valentine: Do you like spy movies, Mr. DeVere?

[Hart notices Gazelle sitting behind him, pointing one of her bladed legs toward him]

Harry Hart: Nowadays, they're all a little serious for my taste. But the old ones... marvelous. Give me a far-fetched theatrical plot any day.

Valentine: The old Bond movies. Oh, man. Ah, when I was a kid, that was my dream job: gentleman spy.

Harry Hart: I always felt that the old Bond films were only as good as the villain. As a child, I rather fancied a future as a colorful megalomaniac.

Valentine: What a shame we both had to grow up.

[Valentine smiles]

Valentine: Bon appetit.

[Valentine and Hart toast with their burgers]

[Hart and Eggsy approach the dressing room mirror]

Harry Hart: What do you see?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Someone who wants to know what the fuck is going on.

Harry Hart: I see a young man with potential. A young man who is loyal. Who can do as he is asked, and who wants to do something good with his life. Did you see the film 'Trading Places'?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: No.

Harry Hart: How about 'Nikita'?

[Eggsy shakes his head]

Harry Hart: 'Pretty Woman'?

[Confused look on Eggsy's face]

Harry Hart: Now, my point is that the lack of a silver spoon has set you on a certain path that you needn't stay on. If you're prepared to adapt and learn, you can transform.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah, like in 'My Fair Lady'.

Harry Hart: You're full of surprises. Yes, like in 'My Fair Lady'. And in this case, I'm offering you the opportunity to become a Kingsman.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: A tailor?

Harry Hart: A Kingsman agent.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Like a spy.

Harry Hart: Of sorts. Interested?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: You think I've got anything to lose?

[Hart places his hand on the mirror, which activates the elevator taking them to the secret tunnel]

Harry Hart: Since 1849, Kingsman Tailors have clothed the world's most powerful individuals. In 1919, a great number of them had lost their heirs to World War I. That meant a lot of money going uninherited. And a lot of powerful men with the desire to preserve peace and protect life. Our founders realized that they could channel that wealth and influence for the greater good. And so began our adventure. An independent international intelligence agency operating at the highest level of discretion. Without the politics and bureaucracy that undermine the intelligence of government-run spy organisations. A suit is the modern gentleman's armour. And the Kingsman agents are the new knights.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: How deep does this fucking thing go?

Harry Hart: Deep enough.

[Hart and Eggsy enter Fitting Room 3]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So we going up or down?

Harry Hart: Neither.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Is this it?

Harry Hart: Of course not. Pull the hook on the left.

[Eggsy pulls down the left hanger, revealing a secret armoury behind the room]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Ah, yes. Very very nice.

Harry Hart: You're going to need a pair of shoes to go with your suit. An Oxford is any formal shoe with open lacing. This additional decorative piece is called "broguing".

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [now understanding his password] "Oxfords, not Brogues".

Harry Hart: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by. Try a pair.

[Eggsy sits down to put on the shoes]

Harry Hart: Your weapon scores are excellent, by the way.

[Eggsy gives a click-wink]

Harry Hart: [Pointing at the umbrellas] These, you're familiar with. And this is our standard issue pistol. It's quite unique. As you all see it, it also fires a shotgun cartridge for use in messy close-range situations. How do they feel?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah, good.

Harry Hart: Now do your very best impersonation of a German aristocrat's formal greeting.

[Eggsy gets up, does a finger mustache with his left hand and the Nazi salute with his right]

Harry Hart: No, Eggsy.

[Hart clicks his heels and a blade pops out of his right shoe]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: That is sick.

[Eggsy clicks his heels to engage his shoe blade]

Harry Hart: In the old days, they had a phone in the heel as well.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: How do I get it back in?

Harry Hart: It is coated with one of the fastest-acting neurotoxins known to man, so, very carefully.

[Hart pushes the blade against the wall to retract it. Eggsy does the same]

Merlin: As some of you will have learned last night, teamwork is paramount here at Kingsman. We're here to enhance your skills and test you to the limit. Which is why you're gonna pick a puppy. Wherever you go, your dog goes. You will care for it. You will teach it. And by the time it's fully trained, so will you be. Those of you who are still here, that is. Do you understand? Choose your puppy.

[the candidates approach the cages. Eggsy gets a pug while Roxy gets a black poodle]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: A poodle?

Roxy: What? They're gun dogs. Oldest working breed. Easy to train.

[Looks at Eggsy's pug]

Roxy: A pug.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: It's a bulldog, ain't it?

[Disappointing look at Roxy's face]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: It'll get bigger, don't it?

[Roxy shakes her head]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Shit.

Harry Hart: You throw away your biggest opportunity over a fucking dog. And then you humiliate me by stealing my boss' car.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: You shot a dog just to get a fucking job!

Harry Hart: Yes, I did.

[Hart opens the study room to reveal his stuffed dog]

Harry Hart: And Mr. Pickle here reminds me of that every time I take a shit!

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: You shot your dog and had it stuffed? You fucking freak!

Harry Hart: No, I shot my dog and then brought him home and continued to care for him for the next 11 years until he died of pancreatitis.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: What?

Harry Hart: It was a blank, Eggsy. It was a fucking blank. Remember Amelia?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah.

Harry Hart: She didn't drown. She works in our tech department in Berlin. She's fine. Limits must be tested. A Kingsman only condones the risking of one life to save another.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: My dad might have saved your life, even though your fuck-up cost his? What, you've got him stuffed here and all?

Harry Hart: Can't you see that everything I've done has been about trying to repay him?

Valentine: 'Sup man? Is this the part where you say some... really bad pun?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: It's like you said to Harry: This ain't that kind of movie, bruv.

Valentine: Perfect.

[Valentine takes his last breath and slumps down]

Waiter: Would sir care for a drink?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.

[after Eggsy puts on his suit]

Merlin: Looking good, Eggsy.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Feeling good, Merlin.

Harry Hart: [locking the doors] "Manners - maketh - man."

[continuing to intimidate gang members]

Harry Hart: Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.

[Pretending that Merlin is his servant at Valentine's party]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Mycroft, you've just been promoted from my pilot to my valet.

Harry Hart: What did you do to me? I had no control. I killed all those people.

[Valentine nods his head in agreement]

Harry Hart: I wanted to.

Valentine: Clever, isn't it? In simple terms, it's a neurological wave that triggers the centers of aggression and switches off inhibitors.

Harry Hart: Transmitted through your nasty free SIM cards, I assume.

Valentine: You know what this is like? It's like those old movies we both love. Now, I'm going to tell you my whole plan, and then I'm going to come up with some absurd and convoluted way to kill you, and you'll find an equally convoluted way to escape.

Harry Hart: Sounds good to me.

Valentine: Well, this ain't that kind of movie.

[shoots Harry in the head]

[Lee Unwin prevents a captive terrorist from killing his comrades with a suicide bomb by jumping over him before the explosion. Hart removes his mask]

Harry Hart: Shit. Fucking missed it. How did I fucking miss it? Merlin.

[Merlin removes his mask]

Harry Hart: I apologise for putting you in this position. You trained him well.

Merlin: James

[James removes his mask]

Merlin: Your training... is over.

Harry Hart: Welcome to Kingsman, Lancelot.

Lancelot: Sir.

Harry Hart: [Looking at Unwin's body] I'll deal with this mess... personally.

[Gazelle places the blankets over the corpses, then opens the door to welcome Valentine with a glass of whisky]

Gazelle: Everything is clean.

Valentine: My kind of welcome.

[Valentine sips whisky before approaching Professor Arnold]

Valentine: No stomach for violence. I mean, literally. I see one drop of blood, that is me, done. I'm like...

[simulating a vomiting motion]

Valentine: projectile. Listen, I'm so sorry you had to witness all this unpleasantness, due to our uninvited guest. But I promise you: By the time I find out who he works for, you and I will be the best of friends.

Arthur: It's all yours. And don't forget your membership proposal. Try picking a more suitable candidate this time.

Harry Hart: Seventeen years and still evolving with the times remains an entirely foreign concept to you. You don't remind me that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that young man. He was as much Kingsman material as any of them. More so.

Arthur: But he wasn't exactly one of us, was he? Let's face it, Galahad. Your little experiment failed.

Harry Hart: [Gets up and prepares to leave the room] With respect, Arthur, you're a snob.

Arthur: With respect?

Harry Hart: The world is changing. There's a reason why aristocrats develop weak chins.

[Eggsy calls the number on the back of his medallion]

Operator: Customer complaints. How may I help you?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Um, my name's Eggsy Unwin. Sorry, um, Gary Unwin. And I'm up shit creek; I'm in an urban police station and my mom said to call this number if ever I needed help...

Operator: I'm sorry, sir. Wrong number.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Wait, wait... Oxfords not Brogues?

Operator: Your complaint has been duly noted, and we hope that we've not lost you as a loyal customer.

[Eggsy leaves the police station]

Harry Hart: Eggsy. Would you like a lift home?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Who are you?

Harry Hart: The man who got you released.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: That ain't an answer.

Harry Hart: A little gratitude would be nice. My name is Harry Hart, and I gave you that medal. Your father saved my life.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So before you was a tailor, was you in the Army? Like an officer?

Harry Hart: Not quite.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So where was you posted - Iraq or something?

Harry Hart: Sorry, Eggsy. Classified.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: But my dad saved your life, yeah?

Harry Hart: The day your father died, I missed something. And if it weren't for his courage, my mistake would have cost the lives of every man present. So I owe him. Your father was a brave man. A good man. And having read your files, I'd think he'd be bitterly disappointed in the choices you've made.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: You can't talk to me like that.

Harry Hart: Huge I.Q., great performance in primary school. And it all went tits up. Drugs, petty crime, never had a job.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Do you think there's a lot of jobs going around here, yeah?

Harry Hart: Doesn't explain why you gave up your hobbies. First prize, regional under tens' gymnastics, two years in a row. Your coach had you pegged as Olympic team material.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah, well, when you grow up around someone like my stepdad, you pick up new hobbies pretty quick.

Harry Hart: Now of course. Always someone else's fault. Who's to blame you for quitting the Marines? You were halfway through training, doing brilliantly, but you gave up.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Because my mum went mental, banging on about losing me as well as my dad. Then we wouldn't be cannon fodder for snobs like you, judging people like me from your ivory towers with no thought about why we do what we do. We ain't got much choice, you get me? And if we was born with the same silver spoon up our arses, we'd do just as well as you, if not better.

Harry Hart: [Grabs a fountain pen from the wall] Now, I've had a lot of fun with this. One of our finest examples of chemical engineering. Poison. Harmless when ingested. But at a time, convenient to you...

[Pulls pen clip outward]

Harry Hart: It can be remotely activated. Primed.

[Pushes clip back]

Harry Hart: Lethal.

[Eggsy looks at the gold cigarette lighters on the wall]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: And what about these? What do these do? Electrocute you?

Harry Hart: Don't be ridiculous. It's a hand grenade.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Shut up.

Harry Hart: If you want to electrocute someone, you'll need a signet ring.

[Grabs a ring from the wall]

Harry Hart: A gentleman traditionally wears the signet on his left hand, but a Kingsman wears it on whatever hand happens to be dominant. If you touch the contact behind the ring, it delivers 50,000 volts.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [Pointing at the smartphones and tablets on the opposite wall] And what about them? What makes them so special?

[Eggsy grabs a lighter while Hart is not looking]

Harry Hart: Nothing. That technology is caught up with the spy world.

[Hart and Eggsy head back to the main lobby]

Harry Hart: Put it back, Eggsy.

[Eggsy puts the lighter back]

Kingsman Tailor: Perfect timing. Gentleman's just finished.

[Valentine and Gazelle step out of Fitting Room 1]

Valentine: Mr. DeVere. What a coincidence. You are totally the reason I'm here. When you left my house, I was thirsting for that dope-ass smoking jacket you had on. And since I'm going to Royal Ascot, apparently you need one of these penguin suits. Here I am. What are you doing here?

[Valentine shakes hands with Eggsy]

Valentine: What's up, man? Richmond Valentine.

Harry Hart: This is my new valet. I was just introducing him to my tailor.

Valentine: Another coincidence. So am I.

Harry Hart: Did you have any chance to think further on my proposal?

Valentine: Most definitely. My people will be getting in touch with you very soon. I guarantee it.

Harry Hart: A word of advice: Ascot requires top hat. I might suggest Lock & Co. Hatters, St. James.

Valentine: 'Lox', as in smoked fish?

Harry Hart: As in 'locked up'.

Valentine: Oh. I have trouble understanding you people sometimes. You all talk so funny.

[Michelle's iPad plays Bryan Ferry's "Slave to Love" at the pub]

Dean: Michelle, turn that shit off. It's doing my nut in.

[Michelle is about to turn off the iPad when Eggsy, now a full-fledged Kingsman agent, arrives]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I rather like that song. Leave it on, eh, Mum?

[Dean turns off the iPad]

Dean: Mugsy's back. You've finally come to have that word with me, have you, son? Or are you gonna run away again and pretend you're going to court, dressed like that?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Oh, you mean this? No. I know this bloke who's just taken over a tailor shop on Savile Row. He's given me a job, Mum. Comes with a lot of perks, including a house. Come and live with me there, Mum. Come on.

[Michelle is about to stand up when Dean interrupts them]

Dean: Sit down, you! Only place she'll be visiting is you in fucking hospital, d'you hear?

Michelle Unwin: Just leave him alone, Dean! Eggsy, go, please. Just go, babe.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: All right.

[Eggsy turns around toward the door]

Dean: That's it, do as Mummy says. Why don't you ask that tailor friend of yours to knock up a nice chicken costume! It'll suit you, you mug!

[Eggsy stops at the front door]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: As a good friend once said: Manners...

[Eggsy bolts the left door]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: ... maketh...

[bolts the right door]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: ... man.

[locks the latch]

Poodle: Dean...

Dean: Shut the fuck up. Eggsy, I'm gonna shove your manners up your fuck...

[Eggsy hooks a beer mug with his umbrella and flings it, knocking out Dean. He then approaches the rest of the gang]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So, are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

Merlin: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Merlin. You are about to embark on what is probably the most dangerous job interview in the world. One of you, and only one of you, will become the next Lancelot.

[Grabs bag on bed]

Merlin: Can anybody tell me what this is?

[All candidates except Eggsy raise their hand. Merlin selects Charlie]

Merlin: Yes?

Charlie: Body bag, sir.

Merlin: Correct. Charlie, isn't it?

Charlie: Yes, sir.

Merlin: Good. In a moment, you will each collect a body bag. You will write your name on that bag. You will write the details of your next of kin on that bag. This represents your acknowledgment of the risks you are about to face, as well as your agreement to strict confidentiality, which incidentally if you break, will result in you and your next of kin being in that bag. Is that understood?

[All candidates except Eggsy, still with a confused look, nod]

Merlin: Excellent. Fall out.

Merlin: Hugo, Digby: you don't land in the K, you're not in the K. Rufus, you opened too soon. You were all over the radar. All three of you, pack your bags. Go home.

[the three candidates leave]

Merlin: Eggsy, Roxy, congratulations. You set a new record. Opening at 300 feet, that's pretty ballsy. Well done for completing another task. Fall out.

[Roxy and Charlie leave. Eggsy stays, angered that he was the one without a parachute]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Sorry, sir, but why the fuck did you choose me as the gimp? Am I the expendable candidate?

Merlin: No, no, no. You don't talk to me like that. If you have a complaint, you come here and whisper it in my ear.

[Eggsy approaches Merlin]

Merlin: You need to take that chip off your shoulder.

[Merlin pulls Eggsy's rip cord, revealing that he had a parachute the whole time]

[Eggsy wakes up, tied to a railroad track. He sees the Interrogator approach him with a knife in hand]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Who the fuck are you? Where am I?

The Interrogator: This knife can save your life.

[Eggsy suddenly notices a train approaching]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Fuck!

The Interrogator: My employer's got two questions for you, Eggsy. What the fuck is Kingsman? And who is Harry Hart?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I don't know who the fuck that is! Shit!

The Interrogator: Oh, Eggsy, I just killed two of your friends who gave me the same bullshit answer!

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Fuck! Just cut the fucking ropes, please!

The Interrogator: Hey, Eggsy, is Kingsman worth dying for?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Fuck yeah!

[Train passes over Eggsy. He discovers that the section dropped down before impact. Hart arrives at the scene]

Harry Hart: Congratulations. Bloody well done.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: How'd the others do?

Harry Hart: Roxy passed with flying colours. Charlie's up next. Want to watch?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah. Alright.

[the Interrogator questions Charlie, who is tied to a railroad track]

The Interrogator: Is Kingsman worth dying for?

Charlie: No it fucking isn't! Shit! I'll tell you what you want, please! Chester King's Arthur! Arthur's head of the secret spy agency! It's called Kingsman! Get me out of here!

The Interrogator: Thank you, Charlie. Much appreciated.

[Interrogator walks away]

Charlie: No, that wasn't the fucking deal!

[Train passes over Charlie and the section he's tied to drops down. Section rises as Arthur arrives at the scene]

Arthur: I had such high hopes for you. You're a bloody disgrace.

Charlie: I'm so sorry. Please untie me.

Arthur: Untie yourself.

[Arthur walks away]

Charlie: Arth- Arthur, please. Shit. Anyone!

[Merlin, Hart, Eggsy, Roxy, and Percival observe the scene in the control room]

Merlin: Galahad, Percival, congratulations. Your candidates have reached the final stage of the testing process. As tradition allows, you will have 24 hours to spend with them. Eggsy, you should know your father reached this point. From now on, there are no safety nets. Understood?

[Eggsy and Roxy look at each other and nod to Merlin]

Merlin: Good. Dismissed.

[the Kingsman agents and candidates leave the room. Merlin turns around and turns on the loudspeaker at the railway]

Merlin: Charlie, time to go home.

Charlie: Fuck you! Fucking dad's gonna hear about this!

[At Hart's home, Eggsy looks at the various front pages of The Sun on the wall]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: 'To Pee or Not to Pee?'

Harry Hart: That was the headline the day after I defused a dirty bomb in Paris.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: 'Germany: 1, England: 5'

Harry Hart: Missed that game. I was breaking up an undercover spy ring at the Pentagon.

[Eggsy looks at the other headlines, then points at the Prince Charles and Princess Diana wedding issue]

Harry Hart: My first mission. Foiled the assassination of Margaret Thatcher.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Not everybody had thanked you for that one.

Harry Hart: The point is, Eggsy, nobody thanked me for any of them. Front page news and all these occasions are celebrity nonsense. Because it's the nature of Kingsman that our achievements remain secret. A gentleman's name should appear in the newspaper only three times: When he's born, when he marries, and when he dies. And we are, first and foremost, gentlemen.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: That's me fucked, then. It's like Charlie said: I'm just a pleb.

Harry Hart: Nonsense. Being a gentleman has nothing to do with the circumstances of one's birth. Being a gentleman is something one learns.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yeah, but how?

Harry Hart: Alright, first lesson. You should have asked me before you took your seat. Second lesson: How to make a proper Martini.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Yes, Harry.

[Eggsy arrives at the Kingsman conference room]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Arthur, Harry's dead.

Arthur: *Galahad* is dead. Hence, we have just drunk a toast to him.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Well then you know what that psycho is doing. How many people in the world have got those SIM cards? Valentine can send the signal to any of them, all of them! If they all go homicidal at the same time, then...

Arthur: Indeed. And thanks to Galahad's recordings, we have Valentine's confession. The intelligence has been passed on to the relevant authorities. Our work is complete. And a most distinguished legacy for our fallen friend it is, too.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: And that's it?

Arthur: Come sit down, boy.

[Eggsy sits at Hart's former spot]

Arthur: This... is an 1815 Napoleonic brandy, and we only drink it when we lose a Kingsman. Galahad was very fond of you.

[as Arthur reaches for the decanter, Eggsy notices the scar behind his right ear, indicating that he has a transponder implanted in his head]

Arthur: And on this occasion, I think it is acceptable for us... to bend the rules a little.

[after Arthur pours the brandy into two glasses, Eggsy points at the paintings on the wall]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: These are all Kingsmen?

[Arthur turns to look at the paintings]

Arthur: Yes, they're the founder members.

[Arthur turns back toward Eggsy]

Arthur: I want you to join me in a toast. To Galahad.

[Both men toast each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: To Galahad.

[They drink their brandy]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Harry says you don't like to break rules often. Why now?

Arthur: You're very good, Eggsy. Perhaps I will make you my proposal for Galahad's position, provided of course we can see eye-to-eye on certain political matters.

[Arthur grabs a poison fountain pen]

Arthur: Can you guess...

[pulls the pen clip back]

Arthur: ... what this is?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I don't have to. Harry showed me. You click it, I die. I thought that brandy tasted a bit shit.

Arthur: Bravo.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Valentine won you over, somehow.

Arthur: Once he explained, I understood.

[Flashback to Arthur's meeting with Valentine]

Valentine: When you get a virus, you get a fever. That's the human body raising its core temperature to kill the virus. Planet Earth works the same way: Global warming is the fever, mankind is the virus. We're making our planet sick. A cull is our only hope. If we don't reduce our population ourselves, there's only one of two ways this can go: The host kills the virus, or the virus kills the host. Either way...

[Back to Eggsy and Arthur's conversation]

Arthur: The result is the same: The virus dies.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So Valentine's gonna take care of the population problem himself.

Arthur: Well if we don't do something, nature will. Sometimes, a culling is the only way to ensure that the species survives. And history will see Valentine as the man who saved humanity from extinction.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: And he gets to pick and choose who gets culled, does he? All his rich mates, they get to live. And then when he thinks it's worth saving, he keeps them safe, whether they agree with him or not.

Arthur: And you, Eggsy. In Harry's honor, I am inviting you to be part of a new world. It's time to make your decision.

[Long pause]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I'd rather be with Harry. Thanks.

Arthur: So be it.

[Arthur points the fountain pen and engages the poison. After a few seconds, nothing happens to Eggsy. Arthur suddenly convulses]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: The problem with us common types is, that we are light-fingered. Kingsman's taught me a lot, but sleight of hand...

[Flashback shows Eggsy swapping glasses while Arthur is not looking]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: I had that done already.

Arthur: You dirty... little fucking prick...

[Arthur slumps to his death. Eggsy then takes the pen and cuts open the scar behind Arthur's ear to extract the transponder]

[Valentine notices the people in the party room looking gloomy]

Valentine: The fuck's wrong with them?

Gazelle: I don't know. Could be something to do with the mass genocide.

Valentine: Give me the mic.

[Gazelle hands Valentine a microphone. Valentine stands up]

Valentine: Hey all! Everybody listen up! What the fuck is wrong with you people? I just want to remind you all that today is a day of celebration. We must put aside all thoughts of death, and focus on birth. The birth of a new age. We mustn't mourn the ones who give their lives today. We should honor their sacrifice, and their role in saving the human race. We must put aside doubts and guilt. You are the chosen people. When folks tell their kids the story about Noah's Ark, is Noah the bad guy?

[Crowd says no]

Valentine: Is God the bad guy?

[Crowd says no]

Valentine: How about the animals marching two by two?

[Crowd says no]

Valentine: Of course not! Yeah, that's it! Let's turn those frowns upside down. Eat, drink, and paaaaarty!

Harry Hart: I very much regret that your husband's bravery can't be publicly celebrated. I hope you understand that.

Michelle Unwin: How can I understand, if you won't tell me anything? I didn't even know he wasn't with his squad.

Harry Hart: I'm so sorry I can't say more. I would like to present to you this medal of valour. If you look closely on the back, there's a number. And as a more concrete gesture of gratitude, we'd like to offer you a... Let's call it a favour. The nature of it is your choice. Just tell the operator: 'Oxfords, not Brogues.' And then they'll know it's you.

Michelle Unwin: I don't want your help!

[Pushing away the medal]

Michelle Unwin: I want my husband back!

[Sobs]

Michelle Unwin: [Hart walks away and approaches little Eggsy, who is playing with a snow globe]

Harry Hart: What's your name, young man.

Little Eggsy: Eggsy.

Harry Hart: Hello, Eggsy. Can I see that?

[Eggsy gives Hart the snow globe. Hart gives Eggsy the medal]

Harry Hart: You take care of this, Eggsy. Alright?

[Eggsy nods]

Harry Hart: And take care of your mum, too.

Valentine: [showing a photo of Lancelot's corpse] Great, you don't know, the CIA don't know. Nobody knows who this guy is? Fine. Seriously, it's fine. Well, it's not really fine, but it's not why I'm here. Hell, man, you know me. Money's not my issue. I could've retired straight out of M.I.T., fucked off to some island and let the business run itself. Nobody told me to try and save the planet. I wanted to. Climate change research, lobbying, years of studying, billions of dollars, and you know why I quit? Because the last time I checked, the planet was still fucked. Hence, my epiphany. Money won't solve this. Those idiots that call themselves politicians have buried their heads in the sand and stood for nothing but re-election. So I spent the last two years trying to find a real solution. And I found it. Now, if you really wanna make the world a better place, I suggest you open your fucking ears, because I'm about to tell it to you.

President: Go on, Mr. Valentine. I'm still listening.

Valentine: As long as you agree to all my terms.

Merlin: Congratulations on completing your first task. Charlie, Roxy, well done. For those of you who are still confused, if you can get a breathing tube through the U-bend of a toilet, you have an unlimited air supply. Simple physics... worth remembering. Eggsy, well done for spotting that was a two-way mirror.

Charlie: He's probably seen enough of them.

Merlin: Yeah, you can all wipe the smirk off your faces because as far as I'm concerned, every single one of you has failed. You all forgot the most important thing: Teamwork.

[Merlin points at the quarters. The candidates get up and see that Amelia has drowned]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So much for classic army technique.

[Professor Arnold enters the lecture room and sees Hart]

Professor Arnold: Hello. Can I help you?

Harry Hart: Yes. I have a question about anthropogenic force.

Professor Arnold: [pleased] Oh? Really? Well, it's actually quite fascinating...

[Hart suddenly grabs Professor Arnold by the ear]

Harry Hart: My colleague died trying to rescue you, and I'm sure you saw how well-trained he was. So I suggest you tell me who kidnapped you and why they let you go.

Professor Arnold: I have no idea what you're talk...

[Hart slaps Professor Arnold]

Professor Arnold: I'm not supposed to say it, but it was...

[Professor Arnold suddenly writhes in pain]

Harry Hart: For God's sake, I barely touched you. Oh, man up...

[Professor Arnold's head explodes in front of Hart. A dazed Hart looks to the right and sees two armed assailants. He sets a grenade and jumps out the window]

[Valentine receives a notice that Professor Arnold has been terminated]

Valentine: Fuck that guy, whoever he is! I'm gonna... He made me kill Professor Arnold. Goddamn loved Professor Arnold.

Gazelle: Well the good news is we know the emergency surveillance system works.

Valentine: You know what's not good news? 'My colleague died,' that's what he said. This is an organization and they're all over us. Whoever you spoke to...

Gazelle: I told you. I made contact with the KGB, MI6, Mossad, and Beijing. They all insist it wasn't one of theirs.

Valentine: Beijing. So freaky how there's no recognizable name for the Chinese Secret Service. Now that's what you call a secret, right? You know what? Fuck it. We need to speed things up. Bring the product release forward.

Gazelle: We're only halfway into production. Speeding it will cost a fortune.

Valentine: Do I look like I give a fuck? Just get it done.

[Eggsy and JB enter Hart's hospital room]

Harry Hart: Ever heard of knocking?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Only when I'm casing a place to rob. Merlin said you wanted to see me.

[JB barks at Hart]

Harry Hart: I hope JB's training is going as well as yours is.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Sit.

[JB sits]

Harry Hart: Congratulations on making it to the final six candidates. Your test results were even better than I could've hoped.

[Knock on the door]

Harry Hart: Come in.

[Merlin enters the room]

Merlin: Ah. Eggsy, I need to have a private conversation. You're dismissed.

Harry Hart: Nonsense. Let him observe. He might learn a thing or two.

Merlin: As you wish. Take a look at this.

[Merlin plays the video recording of Professor Arnold's head exploding]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Fucking hell! That's just rank, Harry. You blew up his head. It's a bit much, ain't it?

Merlin: Actually, the explosion was caused by an implant in his neck. Here, under that scar.

Harry Hart: Did my hardware pick up the signal that triggered it?

Merlin: Fortunately, yes. Unfortunately, the IP address it traced it to is registered to the Valentine Corporation.

Harry Hart: That's not much of a lead. They have millions of employees worldwide.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: That Richmond Valentine's a genius.

[Surprised look by Hart and Merlin]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Did you not see his announcement today?

[Eggsy grabs Merlin's clipboard and sets the TV to Valentine's speech]

Valentine: Is he dead?

Gazelle: That tends to happen when you shoot someone in the head.

Harry Hart: [Harry to thugs in the bar] Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [Eggsy to thugs in the bar] Are we going to stand around here all day, or are we gonna fight?

[first lines]

Lancelot: [over the radio] This is Zero One Alpha. We have secured Falcon. I say again, we have secured Falcon.

Harry Hart: [interrogating terrorist] By the time I count to ten, you will have told me exactly what I need to know. If not, the number ten will be the last thing you will ever hear.

Harry Hart: One. Two. Three.

[Hart shoots the terrorist in both legs; the terrorist slumps forwards]

Harry Hart: Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

[the terrorist sits back up, with a grenade pin in his teeth]

Interrogator: Grenade! Sir, get back!

[jumps on the terrorist, just before the grenade explodes]

Kingsman Tailor: I'm so sorry, sir, but a gentlemen is completing his fitting. Fitting Room Two is available.

Harry Hart: One does not use Fitting Room Two when popping one's cherry. Perhaps I'll show you Fitting Room Three while we wait.

[last lines]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: So, are we going to stand around here all day, or are we going to fight?

[Harry is in a hate group church]

Church Leader: And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...

Merlin: [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Church Leader: So, my friends although he is a just God, he is justly a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...

Valentine: Are you sure we're out of range?

Valentine: We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?

Valentine: You just have to trust me.

Church Leader: ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.

Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?

Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?

[Harry tries to leave the church]

Church Blonde Woman: Hey! What's your problem?

Harry Hart: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So, hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Valentine: Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.

[the church leader continues his sermon]

Church Blonde Woman: I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend! Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies. You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!

[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!

Valentine: Shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

[Harry Hart is in a hate group church]

Church Leader: And I say to you, bear witness! Watch the news. Watch the news. AIDS! Floods! The blood of the innocent, spilled! And yet, there are those who doubt this is the wrath of God. Our filthy government condones sodomy, divorce, abortion! And yet, some still doubt this is the work of the Antichrist! You do not have to be a Jew, a nigger, a whore or an atheistic, science-loving evolution spouter...

Merlin: [watching the sermon] Charming sermon. Can you see Valentine anywhere?

Church Leader: So, my friends, although he is a just God, he is just a vengeful one and there can be no turning back from the almighty wrath...

Gazelle: Are you sure we're out of range?

Valentine: We're over 1,000 feet away. What's wrong?

Gazelle: What if the calculations are wrong?

Valentine: You just have to trust me.

Church Leader: ...Jew, nigger, fag lovers, and the devil is burning them for all eternity.

Harry Hart: Would you excuse me?

Church Blonde Woman: Where are you going?

[Harry tries to leave the church]

Church Blonde Woman: Hey! What's your problem?

Harry Hart: I'm a Catholic whore, currently enjoying congress out of wedlock with my black, Jewish boyfriend who works at a military abortion clinic. So hail Satan, and have a lovely afternoon, madam.

Valentine: Oh, shit. He's leaving. I'm starting the test now. Let's hope enough of these freaks have our SIM cards.

Church Leader: [continuing his sermon] I kindly ask you to sit down, my friend!

Church Blonde Woman: Just leave this church! You just leave this church like the infidel you are! Satan cannot save you now! You will eat your babies! You will drown in the blood of the Lord! He will not save you!

[as Harry is about to shoot the woman Valentine starts his test and Harry, under the effects of the test, shoots the woman and everyone in the church attacks each other]

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: [surprised at what happened] Holy fuck!

Valentine: Oh, shit, I can't watch this. Get over here.

[When prompted by his computer to activate Valentine's head implants]

Merlin: Yes please.

Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Oxfords, not brogues.

Harry Hart: Words to live by, Eggsy. Words to live by.