-
Gloria Goodfellow: You can't just go 'round killing people just because you don't approve of them!
Grace Hawkins: You know, that's what my doctors used to say. It was the one point we could never agree on.
-
[Holly opens the video camera to find Lance had filmed her undressing]
Holly Goodfellow: Who the hell is this guy? I'll kill him!
Grace Hawkins: Oh, that won't be necessary, dear.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: Aren't we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies?
Grace Hawkins: How did you know about the other bodies?
Gloria Goodfellow: What other bodies?
Grace Hawkins: Oh. You didn't know about the other bodies...
Gloria Goodfellow: WHAT other bodies?
Grace Hawkins: Oh, just Mr. Brown's dog. And... and Mr. Brown.
Gloria Goodfellow: You killed them too?
Grace Hawkins: I did it for you, dear.
-
Grace Hawkins: You know, men do sometimes lose their way, dear. I mean, Walter is a sweet soul, but he's a bit slow-witted like the rest of them.
Gloria Goodfellow: So you were married too?
Grace Hawkins: Yes I was. A long time ago.
Gloria Goodfellow: Did he lose his way?
Grace Hawkins: With a little help from another woman.
Gloria Goodfellow: Ohh...
Grace Hawkins: Completely lost his head over her.
-
[the housekeeper's trunk, which has arrived before her, has a nametag reading "Grace"]
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Do you think it's a sign?
Gloria Goodfellow: No. I think it's a trunk.
-
[Petey has just seen his bullies' bikes give way under them, not knowing that Grace cut the brake cables]
Petey Goodfellow: Billy Martin's dead! Mummy! Mummy! Billy Martin came after me, but Grace was there and all I said was "broccoli" and now he's dead! Billy Martin's dead! Woo Hoo!
[Petey runs inside cheering]
Gloria Goodfellow: [whispering to Grace] Could we have a word? Is Billy Martin really dead?
Grace Hawkins: [whispers back] No, just unconscious if I'm any judge. But please don't tell Petey; he's so excited.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: [to her neighbour's dog] Fuck off.
-
Holly Goodfellow: Grace,could you come and look at the pie?
Grace Hawkins: Of course dear.
Holly Goodfellow: I fucked up big time
[closes kitchen window]
Grace Hawkins: I don't think she should use that language dear, I really don't.
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Was that a brassiere over Holly's shoulder this morning?
Gloria Goodfellow: You're half a day behind the rest of us you know. And it's called a bra nowadays.
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: But why did she have it over her shoulder?
Gloria Goodfellow: [sighs] She was doing the laundry.
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: So. They made love in every room in the house did they? Lilian and Brian? And they went round twice. I think we've got some catching up to do.
Gloria Goodfellow: No. I must see to Mrs Parker.
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Oh gosh. Do you need me?
Gloria Goodfellow: No, no. It's just the flower arranging committee.
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Dear God. I swear that committee will be the death of her.
-
Police Interrogator: Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary. Why don't you just start by telling me who they are.
Rosie Jones: My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together.
Police Interrogator: So you thought you'd just kill them instead?
Rosie Jones: I couldn't very well stand idly by now could I?
-
Grace Hawkins: [on meeting Grant the Goth] Oh, is it Halloween?
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: [mid-sermon] ... which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishmen, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'.
-
Grace Hawkins: This is Grace speaking. Would you like to come out from under the bed?
Gloria Goodfellow: Um... Coming.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: It's just not fair. Other daughters get to plan weddings, bake cakes, go shopping with their mothers. What do I do? Dispose of dead bodies.
-
Grace Hawkins: She said herself she had a dicky heart.
-
Grace Hawkins: It's not as though anyone's going to miss her.
-
[Gloria sees Lance's dead body in his car]
Gloria Goodfellow: Oh Jesus Christ.
Grace Hawkins: It's all right. I didn't chop him up or anything grisly like that. Where are you going?
Gloria Goodfellow: I'm not doing it.
Grace Hawkins: But I can't drive.
Gloria Goodfellow: I'm not getting in the car.
Grace Hawkins: I'm a learner. Officially I need someone with me.
Gloria Goodfellow: I would say under the circumstances the normal rules do not apply.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: This cannot go on mother, I've had enough.
Grace Hawkins: I understand you're upset.
Gloria Goodfellow: Too bloody right I'm upset, I've got two dead bodies. One in the pond and one in the sitting room.
Grace Hawkins: No, you've got three dead bodies in the pond because you're forgetting...
Gloria Goodfellow: Grace, this has gone far enough. And I mean it.
-
Holly Goodfellow: What? You'd rather I got a boyfriend like Dad? Oh God, you would wouldn't you.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: And I thought being an orphan was a bad thing.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: Petey? Petey? Walter?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Ah, Gloria. This is Bob and Ted from the waterboard, we're just discussing the...
Gloria Goodfellow: Walter, where's Petey?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Oh Lord! Mrs Calloway called about her crisis of faith. She was on the verge of losing it.
Gloria Goodfellow: I know the bloody feeling.
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: The title for this evening's opening address is Cod's Mysterious Ways. God! God! God's Mysterious Ways
[calms down]
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: . I'm sure Cod *have* mysterious ways, but it's the mysterious ways of God I want to talk about tonight. Cod will just have to wait for their own convention.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: Oh God, what's that?
Lance: What?
Gloria Goodfellow: That.
Lance: This is my lurve pack...
Gloria Goodfellow: I know what it is Lance.
Lance: I thought you Brits liked this kind of thing.
Gloria Goodfellow: No. We don't.
Lance: You do not think this is hot?
Gloria Goodfellow: No.
-
Grace Hawkins: Have you thought about sex?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: What?
Grace Hawkins: The Bible. It's full of sex, haven't you noticed? Song of Solomon?
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Ah yes, but that's a song between a devout man and God.
Grace Hawkins: No. It's about sex. You read it again vicar.
-
Grace Hawkins: Good old broccoli, eh? Shall we have some for supper?
-
Gloria Goodfellow: I wonder if he's found that dog yet.
Grace Hawkins: Oh, Mr Brown's on holiday.
Gloria Goodfellow: Oh? Where?
Grace Hawkins: I think he said 'down under'.
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: It's sort of as we feared. The pond. Algae.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: [writing to Grace] So in all, I'd say our life here is complete. It just ambles along in its quiet and merry way. A few hiccups here and there. Like the pond. Which now, they tell me, needs to be drained. It's a bit of a fuss as you can imagine but I'm sure we'll sort something out.
-
Grace Hawkins: It was a simple misunderstanding. It could happen to anyone.
-
Mrs. Parker: Is that Holly I heard?
Gloria Goodfellow: Holly? No.
[Holly steps out of the van, zipping up her top]
Holly Goodfellow: Good morning Mrs Parker.
-
Holly Goodfellow: The Devil's in the details, Dad.
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Could we not say that word on a Sunday?
Holly Goodfellow: What? Dad?
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: [referring to the pond] They say it'll get worse if it's not dealt with.
Gloria Goodfellow: [under her breath] A lot of things will get worse if they're not dealt with.
-
Grace Hawkins: Oh my. Aren't you a busy bee?
-
Rosie Jones: [as she's being locked in her cell] Oh, I don't suppose there's the chance of a cup of tea?
-
Holly Goodfellow: Oh my God. He is really stiff!
Gloria Goodfellow: Oh Holly, do you have to?
Holly Goodfellow: I've never seen anything like this.
-
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: [at the convention] And when I'm asked why vicars always answer a question by posing another question, I always reply 'well why shouldn't we?'
-
Holly Goodfellow: Is she...?
Grace Hawkins: Yes, I believe she is.
Holly Goodfellow: Oh God, oh God, oh God.
-
Gloria Goodfellow: Now, let me get this straight. My son is rid of his bullies, my husband has become a comedian and my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery.
[looks up and whispers]
Gloria Goodfellow: What's going on?
-
Train Ticket Collector: Miss Jones? Rosemary Jones?
Rosie Jones: Rosie, please. I prefer Rosie.
Train Ticket Collector: I was just checking the trunk. The big leather trunk. Is, er, is that yours?
Rosie Jones: Yes that's mine. Is there a problem?
Train Ticket Collector: Er.
[uncertain]
Train Ticket Collector: No.
-
Bob: [discussing the problem of the pond] So there's really just the one option.
Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Yes, there's, um, just the one option.
Gloria Goodfellow: Which is?
Bob: Drain it.
Gloria Goodfellow: Drain it.
[pauses]
Gloria Goodfellow: Shall I put the kettle on?
Keeping Mum Quotes
Extended Reading
