Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle Quotes

[Martha has become Ruby Roundhouse and an insect tried to bite her on her exposed stomach]

Ruby Roundhouse: Why am I wearing this outfit in a jungle? Tiny, little shorts and a leather halter top. I mean, what is this?

[a troop of motorcycle killers appear]

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: This is a video game, which means we have special skills.

[Bravestone runs at super speed]

Moose Finbar: Why am I running so slow?

[Professor Oberon gets eaten by a hippo]

Moose Finbar: You better go in there and save her!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: I'm not gonna get in there, you get in there!

Moose Finbar: I got a backpack on! You don't get in water with a backpack, everybody knows that.

[Fridge rushes by Martha and nearly knocks her down]

Martha: Hey, person walking!

Martha: [sarcasm] Are you gonna help, or are you too pretty?

Bethany: [serious] I'm too pretty.

[Bethany has become Shelly Oberon]

Professor Shelly Oberon: [sees her reflection] NOO! I'm an over-weight middle-aged man!

[from trailer]

Ruby Roundhouse: Guys, how are we gonna get home?

Professor Shelly Oberon: Oh my God, this is so cool! Martha, come look at my penis!

Ruby Roundhouse: No, thanks!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Get on my back!

Moose Finbar: I would rather die.

[cut to Bravestone carrying Moose on his back]

[Bethany saves Alex, he hugs her]

Moose Finbar: Uh... you have a situation.

Professor Shelly Oberon: [sees he has an erection] Oh my God! These things are crazy!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: I can't do this!

Moose Finbar: I saw you fix a helicopter in mid-air!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: It's a lot easier to be brave when you've got lives to spare. It's a lot harder when you only have one life.

Moose Finbar: We always only have one life, man. That's how it is.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: I want to stay with you, like this.

Ruby Roundhouse: Then let's be like this... every day. Just come home.

[Dr Bravestone retrieves the Jaguar's Eye from a herd of angry rhinos, by sacrificing Moose]

Moose Finbar: You do NOT want to know what's under those rhinos! I saw things I can never unsee, things that touched me!

Ruby Roundhouse: Could I borrow your jacket? I feel like I'm wearing a bikini.

Professor Shelly Oberon: I once wore a bikini to school.

Professor Shelly Oberon: Seriously, I can't even open my mouth around you. You don't even know me, but you, like, decided you hate me.

Ruby Roundhouse: Look, I just think you live in, like, the "hot popular girl" bubble, you know, where everybody either treats you like a princess or like an object. Maybe it makes you a little self-absorbed or something?

Professor Shelly Oberon: That's fair. But do you think that maybe the reason why you are so judgy is because you are like afraid that people are not gonna like you, so you've decided not to like them first? I'm just saying, you're a babe, go with it.

Moose Finbar: So sick of this game. Just stay out of my way Spencer!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: What are you mad at me for?

Moose Finbar: Why am I mad? Are you seriously asking me that? You got me kicked off the team and you got me stuck in whatever this is. And you wonder why we're not friends no more.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Oh, this is why we're not friends anymore? Because you didn't want to get stuck in Jumanji? i don't think so. We're not friends because I'm not cool enough to hang out with you, so you pretend not to even know me anymore. Until you needed me to do your homework because you couldn't do it yourself. No wonder you don't know anything about Westward Expansion.

Moose Finbar: Okay, you see that? You know what? I'm not stupid, Spencer! i asked you to do me one simple favour. I said do my homework so I won't get kicked off the team, and you went and messed that up. Now I can't do the one thing i'm good at and it's all your fault. i should kick the shit out of you right now.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Like to see you try.

Nigel: Dr. Bravestone. Famed archaeologist and international explorer. Known across the seven continents for your courageous exploits.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Is there a seat belt?

Moose Finbar: [after taking a bite of a cake] Wait, what - what is this?

Bread Vendor: That's my famous pound cake.

Ruby Roundhouse: Cake? Isn't that your weakness?

Moose Finbar: Bethany, you said this was bread!

Professor Shelly Oberon: I guess it's been so long, I forget how it tastes like...

Moose Finbar: How do you forget what...

[looking at Ruby Roundhouse]

Moose Finbar: What is happening? Something happens to me?

Ruby Roundhouse: No.

Moose Finbar: Am I... am I shaking?

Ruby Roundhouse: No.

Moose Finbar: Am I breaking out?

Ruby Roundhouse: No.

Moose Finbar: Am I still black?

Ruby Roundhouse: Yes.

Moose Finbar: Okay. Okay, right? We're fine. Everything is fine. Yeah... no, no, no, it's okay. It probably just meant that I love cake that I couldn't resist it. Hey, it's all good...

[Finbar suddenly explodes in a burst of flame]

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Bethany as Prof. Shelly Oberon is about to pee as a male for the first time] So how do we do this?

Moose Finbar: Easy. You just - you unzip, take it out, fire away.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Remember to aim. It's very important.

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Gasping] Oh my God, you guys, there's like literally a penis attached to my body right now. Martha, come look at my penis!

Ruby Roundhouse: No, thanks!

Moose Finbar: Is this the first that you've seen it?

Professor Shelly Oberon: Yes, I didn't wanna look.

Moose Finbar: I looked at mine within the first 20 seconds of getting here. I'm happy to report that I was able to bring one thing from the outside world.

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Bethany tried to take a peek at Finbar' peeing]

Moose Finbar: What? Are you...? What are you doing? Are you looking?

Professor Shelly Oberon: Sorry.

Moose Finbar: You don't look over here!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Yeah, you never look. It's a thing.

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Unzipping his pants] Okay, good boy. We're gonna take this nice and slow, and nobody's gonna get hurt. Now what?

Moose Finbar: Now blast off!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: And aim, don't forget to aim.

Moose Finbar: What is with you and aiming? What happened to you?

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Can we not talk about this in mixed company?

Professor Shelly Oberon: [Peeing] Wow, wow, WOW! Oh, this is so much easier!

Moose Finbar: [Chuckles] It's cool, right?

Professor Shelly Oberon: Yeah, because you have, like, a handle. The fact that I'm not Instagramming this right now is insane.

Ruby Roundhouse: [after watching Bravestone was able to display his list of strengths and weaknesses] How'd you do that? That - that list?

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Well, I just - I think I just pressed my... my enormous left pec.

Moose Finbar: [Approaching Ruby] It's like the boob area. Let me show you...

[extending his hand to touch Ruby's chest]

Ruby Roundhouse: [Slapping away Finbar's hand] Get the hell away from me!

Professor Shelly Oberon: [after training Ruby Roundhouse to be alluring] You guys, I think this is gonna work.

Seaplane McDonough: I think so too. She's pretty fly and those guys, don't meet alot of new people.

Moose Finbar: Fly?

Seaplane McDonough: Well not like, Cindy Crawford fly. But for Jumanji, she da bomb.

Professor Shelly Oberon: DA BOMB?

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Cindy Crawford?

Moose Finbar: That's your go to?

Seaplane McDonough: I'm just saying, I'm sure to they'd like to get jiggy with her.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Alex, what year do you think it is?

Seaplane McDonough: What do you mean?

Moose Finbar: Oh no.

Seaplane McDonough: It's 1996

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: You're Alex Vreek, aren't you.

Seaplane McDonough: Yeah, that's right.

Moose Finbar: Wait a minute, you mean the Freak house?

Seaplane McDonough: Wait, what are you... what are you guys talking about? How do you know me?

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: Alex, I don't exactly know how to tell you this...

Moose Finbar: [interrupts] YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS GAME FOR 20 YEAR!

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: That's probably not how I would have done it.

Seaplane McDonough: What? No, you guys are messing with me, right?

Professor Shelly Oberon: No we're not, Alex Vreek, everybody in Brantford knows about you. You're the kid that disappeared, 20 years ago.

Seaplane McDonough: 20 years?

Moose Finbar: 20 years man, I don't even know how to say this but, Ciny Crawford, dude she's like 50 years old.

Dr. Smolder Bravestone: But still fly.

Moose Finbar: Meh.

Professor Shelly Oberon: That was so intense... i like cant even with this place.

Moose Finbar: What just happened?

Professor Shelly Oberon: I got eaten by a rhino and then fell like a thousand feet from the sky.

Bethany: [Having returned from Jumanji] I will never complain about my body ever again. Oh, thank God.

[to her navel]

Bethany: Oh, I missed you.