-
[after getting hit by trainer]
Joe: Do people ever come back here?
-
Meg Harper: You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means?
Joe: It sounds pretty self-explanatory.
-
Joe: You talkin' to me?
-
Joe Scheffer: Did you have fun?
Natalie Scheffer: Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced!
Joe Scheffer: "Silly-ass"?
Natalie Scheffer: Dad...
-
Natalie Scheffer: [on the phone with Joe] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't wanna see me. Or is it you don't want me to see you?
Joe: Yes... Yes to the second one.
Natalie Scheffer: [crying] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while...
Joe: It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerrys Chunky Monkey.
-
Chuck: Too bad. I was really hoping to give a shit.
-
Joe: Can you show me some of that Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger stuff?
-
Natalie Scheffer: Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half naked!
Joe: WHAT? Which half?
-
Joe: You become a farmer?
Rick: No, Joe, I'm an actor dressed as a farmer... for an audition.
Joe: Sorry.
-
Callie: We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?
Joe: Yeah. The actors were naked.
Natalie Scheffer: So were the ushers.
Callie: They were not!
Joe: Callie, Beauty and The Beast is in town. Whats matter with that?
-
Natalie Scheffer: [gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG!
Joe: Don't call anybody a dirtbag.
Natalie Scheffer: Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding.
Joe: I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go...
-
Natalie Scheffer: Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave?
Joe Scheffer: Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower.
Natalie Scheffer: And that made you what? Dirt?
Joe Scheffer: NAT, she's your mom.
-
Natalie Scheffer: HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe!
Joe: NATALIE...
Natalie Scheffer: Sorry, I meant "ass-guy".
-
Joe: That's Mark McKinney! He's a seven-year employee. W-what's he doing in the ten-year lot?
Natalie Scheffer: Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.
-
Joe: We gotta get you back to school.
Natalie Scheffer: DAD, I really wanna talk about this!
Natalie Scheffer: You know that big jerk took it easy on you, right? What makes you think he won't kill you this time? HUH? DAD!
Joe: You made your point!
Natalie Scheffer: GOOD.
-
Natalie Scheffer: [watching Joe practice fighting] OH, my god.
[turns off radio]
Natalie Scheffer: WHAT ARE YOU, like 12? The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got ARMS!
Joe: What are you doing here? Don't you have school?
Natalie Scheffer: I needed to see you.
-
Joe Scheffer: I'm looking for Meg Harper, apartment 508.
Old Man: Oh, she's up on the roof.
Joe Scheffer: Are you sure?
Old Man: Son, I'm a 82-year-old man, and she's a 31 year old woman. Trust me. I know where she is.
-
Commercial Narrator: Volomin, from Starke Pharmaceuticals. Making you better than you really are. Possible side effects may include: depression, general discomfort, headaches, blurred or distorted vision, loss of balance, dry mouth, numbness, periodontal disease, lock jaw, tremors, heart palpitations, varicose veins, liver damage, kidney failure, loss of taste, loss of smell, loss of sight, early Alzheimer's, cardiac arrest, and in extremely rare cases... death... Volomin. Making you better than you really are.
-
Joe: [Looking in the mirror] What do you want?
[vomits]
Joe: *Now* what do you want?
-
Chuck: Hey, let me give you a free lesson, all right? My way of saying, 'Don't press charges'.
Joe Somebody Quotes
Extended Reading
