Jersey Girl Quotes

  • Ollie: [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at.

  • [last lines]

    Gertie: Thank you, Daddy.

    Ollie: Anything for you, Gert. You know why?

    Gertie: Why?

    Ollie: 'Cause you're the only thing I was ever really good at.

  • [first lines]

    Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...

    Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...

    Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.

  • Gertie: I hate you! I hate you! I wish you died, not MOMMY!

    Ollie: I hate you right back you little shit! You and your mom took my life away from me. I just want it back!

  • Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.

    Greenie: You gettin' a dog?

  • Maya: That was kinda sweet. I'm kinda crushin' on you right now, Trinke.

  • Ollie: "Cats" is the second-worst thing that ever happened to New York City.

  • [after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on]

    Ollie: Do you have any questions about what you saw?

    Gertie: [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has?

    Ollie: Yes.

    Gertie: [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his?

    Ollie: Sadly, yes.

  • Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?

  • Boy #5: Okay, it's like this. My dog ate my paper. I checked, but he didn't poop it out.

  • Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.

  • Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!

    Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.

    Gertrude Steiney: [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!

  • Ollie: They're just skinny because they're coked out whores.

    Gertrude Steiney: [sobbing] I wanna' be a coked-out whore!

    Ollie: Okay. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.

  • Maya: I do it at least twice a day.

    Ollie: Good God!

  • Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?

    Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

  • Maya: Forget about what you thought you were and just accept who you are.

  • Maya: Man cannot live on porn alone.

  • Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.

    Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.

    Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.

  • Boy #3: My Mom says my Dad has brown eyes because he is full of shit.

  • Will Smith: 'Ey, you Brickman?

    Ollie: No. I'm just a guy who'd rather play in the dirt with his kid.

  • Will Smith: What's your daughter's name?

    Ollie: Gertrude.

    Will Smith: Damn, why'd you do that man?

  • Ollie: Isn't that cute? It's 8 o'clock and you both get a bottle.

  • Girl #1: My mom and dad are very religious. At night I hear them scream "Jesus"!

  • Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?

    Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.

    Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

    Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

  • Gertie: Did Mommy like New York?

    Ollie: Yeah, she loved it.

    Gertie: Then I guess I will too.

  • Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.

    Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!

    Bart: Not that, smart-ass.

  • Gertie: Punch it, Chewie.

  • Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!

  • Bryan: [reading his paper] My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .

    Teacher: [interrupts him before he swears] Bryan!

  • Ollie: Why don't you go get yourself a boyfriend?

    Maya: Why don't you go get yourself a girlfriend?

    Ollie: I spend all day working and spend all night with my kid.

    Maya: So you would rather spend time with your daughter than get laid?

    Ollie: Yeah.

    Maya: That's sweet. I'm kind of crushing on you, Trinke.

  • [Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]

    Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."

    Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?

    Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?

    Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?

    Gertie: Can we rent this?

    [gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]

    Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.

    Gertie: All those movies suck!

    Ollie: Watch your language!

    [Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]

  • [Maya arrives at the front door]

    Gertie: [to Maya] Hey! You're the lady from the video store.

    Ollie: Let's not use that term too loosely, okay? Go back and watch your video.

  • Doctor #1: [informs Ollie the bad news] Ollie...

    Ollie: lf l don't get to go in there right now... l swear to God!

    Doctor #1: Ollie... Ollie, calm down.

    Ollie: Fuck you, calm down! Okay? l got dragged out of there, l haven't got to see my baby!

    Doctor #1: Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.

    Ollie: What's wrong with Gertie?

    Doctor #1: l need you to calm down before l...

    Ollie: Look, l'm calm! Okay?

    [heaves an exasperated sigh]

    Ollie: l'm calm.

    Doctor #1: We think Gertie had an aneurysm.

    Ollie: ls she OK?

    Doctor #1: We lost her, Ollie. The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture. There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...

    Ollie: [the dialogue fades out as the song "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart'' by Aimee Mann starts to play. Ollie breaks down and sinks to the floor, crying]

Extended Reading
  • Casey 2022-04-22 07:01:36

    Very warm, my daughter looks a bit alien

  • Dolores 2022-04-20 09:01:55

    The front is very attractive...the back is boring...the little girl is very beautiful and cute...