-
Johnny Knoxville: Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass.
-
Chris Pontius: I can't believe I'm fishing with Steve-o as my bait!
-
Johnny Knoxville: It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud.
-
April Margera: Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?
Ryan Dunn: 'Cause it was funny...
-
Chris Pontius: I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.
-
Johnny Knoxville: If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see your asshole
-
Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!
Dimitry Elyashkevich: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
Bam Margera: Later!
[Presses the launch button, causing Johnny Knoxville and the rocket to blast off and fall into the sea]
-
[first lines]
Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!
-
Bam Margera: Please God, don't let there be a "Jackass 3".
-
Dave England: Oh God! Oh... Oh... Oh God!... my ass hurts so fucking bad!
-
Chris Pontius: [after drinking horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself.
-
Ryan Dunn: [after Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it.
-
Bam Margera: Ape, I got a muffed-up ass butt!
April Margera: I know, and you had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!
Bam Margera: No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
-
Wee Man: There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?
-
Johnny Knoxville: [Johnny Knoxville hands his fake grandson a flask] Don't hog it all you little prick...
-
Steve-O: All right cast me out, goddammit!
-
[Bam has just been branded with a penis-shaped branding iron]
Bam Margera: You gave me a hologram dick! There's three solid dicks, there's one half-assed one right here, and then you gave me a set of balls.
Johnny Knoxville: But a sweet set of balls!
Bam Margera: Rad... I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again. Goddamn!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [while Bam is in trailor with Cobra] You crying?
Bam Margera: Yeah.
-
Ehren McGhehey: [while in the trunk of a taxi cab] Get me out of here!
-
Steve-O: [chuckling] You just pleasured a horse.
-
Ryan Dunn: Ooh my hip! I think I just gave birth!
-
Johnny Knoxville: Ok, who brought crabs to the party? Ha ha. One of the guys had crabs!
-
Ehren McGhehey: Where I'm going, I don't need luggage
-
Jay Chandrasekhar: C'mon!
-
Chris Pontius: [after Matt Hoffman attempts to jump the English Channal on his bike] He didnt even make it to Germany!
-
Johnny Knoxville: That long hair don't cover up your red neck.
-
Steve-O: Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after taking a fall] My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that.
-
Wee Man: What are thinking about, Preston?
Preston Lacy: I wish all of that water was gravy and all those cars were giant biscuits.
Wee Man: [laughing] Are you hungry?
Preston Lacy: I was just saying...
Wee Man: Oh, all right!
-
Chris Pontius: Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after getting shot by riot explosive] Is this ok?
[points to face]
Johnny Knoxville: Then we're good.
-
Ryan Dunn: [Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched with the rocket] This isn't the best idea.
Bam Margera: Yes it is...
-
Chris Pontius: Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity.
-
Chris Pontius: [after completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again.
-
Bam Margera: Here we are at some random-ass ranch and this is the Brand. And it's gonna suck!
-
April Margera: [after seeing the brand on Bam's ass] You're going to have that for life!
Bam Margera: No shit!
-
Bam Margera: [before the Riot Control skit] If Knoxville goes in there, I'll French kiss him.
-
Steve-O: I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [while gagging after Pontius drinks the horse semen] I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then.
-
Phil Margera: [after seeing Bam's brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!
-
Ryan Dunn: [after the riot control test] Son of a... Fuck you!
-
Bam Margera: [after getting shot by riot explosive] I'm crying. I'm a fucking skateboarder and I'm getting shot.
-
Ryan Dunn: [Riding Oldskool BMX] Why would anybody ride this shit? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?
-
Wee Man: What? I can't hear... kinda.
-
Steve-O: I'm Steve-O, and sorry Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.
-
Steve-O: [about to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit.
[screams]
Steve-O: I'm Steve-O and this is some shit!
-
Bam Margera: [after the Yak Charge] That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know Knoxville could do back flips.
-
Chris Pontius: [after Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense.
-
Dave England: [after going downhill in the Big Tire Race] Oh I hate that, I hate it so bad! Fuckin' sucky!
Ryan Dunn: Why do you hate it?
Dave England: The bouncing on my fuckin' head!
-
Dave England: [gets knocked out by a large airbag] Ah... fuckin' shit... what was that shit? It's fuckin' in my eyes...
Johnny Knoxville: Oh! Oooo!
Dave England: Uh... what the fuck was that?
Johnny Knoxville: Oh my...
Dave England: I fuckin' don't understand... what the fuck did you do to me? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
Johnny Knoxville: Uh... are you...
Dave England: You're fuckin' me up man!
Johnny Knoxville: Let's go inside man!
Dave England: Oh FUCK DUDE... I... that was fuckin' CRAZY!
-
Dave England: [while chewing on horse shit] It's so dry!
-
Dimitry Elyashkevich: [terrible Middle East accent] Father, hello, Father.
Ehren McGhehey: [outraged] You shut up, I told you to come here earlier!
Dimitry Elyashkevich: I am sorry, Father.
Ehren McGhehey: [terrible Middle East accent] You are late, you cannot be accepted.
Dimitry Elyashkevich: I have disgraced you.
Ehren McGhehey: Where have you been, you little bastard?
Dimitry Elyashkevich: [apologetically] I have been making a number two.
Ehren McGhehey: Oh.
-
Johnny Knoxville: Doc, can you help us?
Indian Doctor: Uh, yeah, why not?
-
Indian Doctor: I do not recommend putting leeches on testicles.
-
Jordan Houston: Swallow, swallow it nigga!
-
Chris Pontius: [dressed in a devil costume] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Let Charlie Daniels write a song about this! God is *out*! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever...
-
Steve-O: [to Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo!
-
Manny Puig: The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It feeds on large animals and can kill grown men within minutes. Wee-Man, probably in seconds.
Johnny Knoxville: Why would you say that right before we film?
-
Wee Man: [Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Arrrgghh!
[Jumps of off the stool]
Wee Man: No, I don't fucking like that dude, I don't fucking like that dude. That fucking hurts, dude.
-
Chris Pontius: [after sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you.
-
Bam Margera: So the guys think they're coming here for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof and we've rigged the locks so they can't get out.
Johnny Knoxville: And when they do get out, we got some marbles waiting for them.
Bam Margera: This is the Beehive Limo.
-
Wee Man: [after getting zapped by the electric stool several times, thinking it is cards] Alright, you fuckers, the jig is up! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?
[Other guys laugh, finally one of them tells Wee Man]
Wee Man: OH, THE FUCKING CHAIR IS RIGGED!
-
Ryan Dunn: I was scared of burnin' my own friend.
April Margera: Why would you burn him in the first place Dunn?
Ryan Dunn: 'Cause it was funny.
-
Ryan Dunn: [while fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?
-
Ryan Dunn: [while fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait, and as sharks circle Steve-O] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?
-
Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit.
[Wee Man hits him in the groin]
Johnny Knoxville: FUCK! I have on a cup and that still hurts!
-
Bam Margera: Can somebody make a dick run?
-
Jordan Houston: This is the bravest motherfucker right here - two hundred smackaroos - it's not counterfeit, it's real - to eat horse shit!
-
Manny Puig: Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speeds. That's what happened.
-
Steve-O: [after completing the butt chug] Come on guys - let's go to the bar!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [preparing Steve-O for the butt chug] I'm staring down Main St. right now - and it isn't pretty.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [Lance is laughing hysterically] I think we broke him!
-
Bam Margera: [Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched in the air] I'm scared just watching him, I want a Lance helmet!
-
Steve-O: It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.
-
Bam Margera: We're here at April and Phil's house and I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt. No let me rephrase that - DICKS!
-
Chris Pontius: [after jumping out of an open sewer grate, dressed as the devil] I landed straight on my head. I am just... fucked.
-
Ryan Dunn: So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half to make this a little more gross.
[shaves his pubic hair]
-
April Margera: You had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!
Bam Margera: No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.
-
Ryan Dunn: You have no hair on your ass.
Bam Margera: It is pretty.
-
Chris Pontius: Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing.
-
Johnny Knoxville: This is the Toro Totter. It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam - and the last guy on the Totter is the winner.
Chris Pontius: It's gonna be a blood bath.
-
Bam Margera: It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls, and they're heavy as shit!
-
Johnny Knoxville: This is REALLY gonna suck!
-
Bam Margera: The boys think they're arriving for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof, and we've rigged the locks so they cant get out.
Johnny Knoxville: And when they do get out we've got some marbles waiting for 'em.
Bam Margera: This is the Beehive Limo.
-
Bam Margera: Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!
-
Man: [after seeing Knoxville's, as Irving Zisman, "grandson" smoking a cigarette] Hey man, is that a real light?
Fake Grandson: Piss off, man!
Man: Is it?
Johnny Knoxville: He said "piss off"!
-
Man: [Wanting to fight Knoxville] You wanna step outside?
Johnny Knoxville: We're already outside, numbnuts! Hahaha!
[to his "grandson"]
Johnny Knoxville: He asked us if we wanted to step outside.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [On the Torro-Totter, Chris gets hit in the leg by the bull] Are you okay?
Chris Pontius: Yeah, hold on.
Johnny Knoxville: What do you mean "hold on"? The bull's not gonna hold on!
Chris Pontius: Ah, he got me in the leg. Goddamn, these bulls are strong!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [shows Ehren a text message] Look at this. This is from Derek. "OK, who brought crabs to the party? Fuck me." Ha ha.
Ehren McGhehey: [vomits]
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after Steve-O does the butt chug] He's peeing like a girl!
-
Bam Margera: [Before plunging Steve-O] You better shit piss, asswipe!
-
Steve-O: Alright, let's go to the bar!
-
[Just before the second attempt at "big red rocket"]
Johnny Knoxville: Even if the rocket doesn't blow up on me this time, there's really not a lot of great ways for it to end, anyway.
Jackass Number Two Quotes
Extended Reading
