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Johnny Knoxville: [dressed as Santa Claus] Santa did have a few drinks last night, so this ain't gonna feel too good.
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Johnny Knoxville: [seeing a bull stomping its feet] Oh, I hate it when they do that.
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Johnny Knoxville: Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, Welcome to Jackass!
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Chris Pontius: [after Johnny Knoville wrecks the lattice with the jet-ski] Oh shit. Dad's not gonna like this. That's definitely coming out of my allowance.
-
Bam Margera: Is Knoxville going to catch the ball?
Ryan Dunn: Who gives a shit?
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Johnny Knoxville: [Steve-O just puked after biting an apple that was in Preston's Buttocks] You don't like apple and Peanut butter?
-
Johnny Knoxville: [On Steve-O about to be launched into the air in a Porta-Potty filled with excrement] Now you're taking the reins and taking it to a whole 'nother level.
Steve-O: [Unexcitedly] Yep.
Johnny Knoxville: You look pretty happy about it.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after pulling a string off Chris's Penis with a helicopter] So much for my aviation career.
Chris Pontius: So much for my love life.
-
Preston Lacy: Hi, I'm Preston Lacy, and this is the apple of my ass.
-
Steve-O: [laughing] Dave doesn't get it. The more you freak out like that, the more you get stung.
-
Steve-O: [about to get hit in the crotch in Tee Ball] I'm Steve-O, and...
[freezes up]
Steve-O: Oh fuck! Why do I have to be Steve-O?
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Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm about to end this movie.
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Bam Margera: [after Christ Pontius complains about being stung in the face by a scorpion] What did you think was gonna happen?
-
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: How's Santa doing?
Johnny Knoxville: [climbing tall tree, dressed as Santa] Santa's fucking tired.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after Wee-Man is hit in the groin by a random apple thrown at him by Jeff Tremaine] See, I told you it's not that hard to get into film!
-
Steve-O: [Before downing a cup full of sweat extracted from Preston's crotch and buttocks] Here's to good health.
-
Jeff Tremaine: What's your role, Jared?
Jared Allen: MURDER KNOXVILLE'S FACE.
Jeff Tremaine: And what's your role, Johnny?
Johnny Knoxville: ...Catch the ball?
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after Bam urinates in front of a high-powered wind tunnel] That's the story of Jackass there! Pissing in the wind!
[laughs hysterically]
-
Bam Margera: Get in the Lambo, shitbird.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [as Steve-O is about to drink sweat extracted from Preston] So the idea is for the sweat to dribble down the funnel and into the cup? I mean this is pretty rinky-dinky even for us.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after gluing Wee-Man to Preston] 2 minutes.
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: 2 minutes is the longest 69 I've ever fucking done!
-
Bam Margera: [one of Bam's hands is glued to Preston, the other to Phil] I kind of like it when Preston says...
Preston Lacy: OW! Fuck!
Ryan Dunn: Wait - what do you like Preston to say?
Preston Lacy: GRRRRRRRRRRRR! OW!
Johnny Knoxville: Get a little symphony going.
Preston Lacy: OW!
[pulls again]
Preston Lacy: GRR!
Phil Margera: [mumbles incoherently] OW!
Preston Lacy: OW!
Preston Lacy: Fast!
Phil Margera: OW!
-
Steve-O: We're about to find out if music calms the wild beast.
Ryan Dunn: I'm Ryan Dunn and this is the Ram Jam.
-
Chris Pontius: [as Wil is about to play a trumpet from his butt] We're bringing jazz back to the working man!
-
Johnny Knoxville: We're gonna play a game called "prison warden and escaped convict", and I'm pretty sure something sucky is gonna happen when I push this handle - so we have two options - I could put on Steve-O's rap album
[everyone laughs]
Johnny Knoxville: or I could push the handle.
[everyone chooses the "push the handle" option, Steve-O laughs]
-
Chris Pontius: That had it all - it had danger, it had shit, it had puke, I mean that's what this show's all about.
-
Johnny Knoxville: [to Steve-O] You have really irrational fears. Oh I'll go swimming with sharks, put the hook through my cheek, I don't care, but I'm not going bungee diving!
-
Chris Pontius: Not too many people knew us in our college days but we were wild, we were having wet t-shirts, bitchin' summers, doing body shots,
[scoffs]
Chris Pontius: Cornholing, and Johnny Knoxville, the king of spring break!
-
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [as a portable toilet explodes and covers Dunn with blue sludge] No fucking way!
Johnny Knoxville: I am so happy right now.
Ryan Dunn: Dude, that thing *goes*.
-
Steve-O: How many stings do you think we can take?
Manny Puig: I think it takes about 100 to kill a man.
Dave England: Are you serious? Did you just make that number up? There's 50,000 bees and it takes 100 to kill a man?
Manny Puig: I think it takes 100.
Loomis Fall: Then what are we doing here?
Manny Puig: Making a hit movie.
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Bam Margera: I changed my mind. Stun guns are the number one most thing that I hate now. Bulls are second. Snakes are third. That sucked.
-
Johnny Knoxville: I think that's it for super mighty glue.
Spike Jonze: Thank god none of us have that foreskin we're talking about.
Johnny Knoxville: Does anyone have foreskin?
Ryan Dunn: Speak up! Now's the time!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after getting hit by a buffalo] It felt like shit! It felt like I just got run over by a buffalo!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [Steve-O is about to down a cup full of Preston's sweat] That makes me want to puke!
-
Jared Allen: [after tackling Johnny Knoxville, who's lying on the ground] You do realize football's a game of physics, right? Speed plus velocity equals that.
-
Johnny Knoxville: I realized that after all that flying I do, Santa's really afraid of heights.
-
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [Wee Man is about to be glued to Preston in a 69 position] Man, we're really gonna be bros now.
-
Chris Pontius: [to Steve-O] Just relax and enjoy your shit.
-
Johnny Knoxville: Let's get out the dart gun.
[it's casually handed to him, laughs]
Johnny Knoxville: Luckily we had it handy.
-
Steve-O: Most people don't like the idea of being covered in dog shit, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as like bungee diving and roller coasters. I just cant do that shit. That's why this is gonna be fantastic.
-
Johnny Knoxville: Due to prison overpopulation, we're gonna give these boys a chance to escape. This side represents incarceration, that side freedom. This is Electric Avenue. Each of these stun guns has 950,000 volts. There's 15 of them hanging here plus four cattle prods. Good luck fellas!
-
Bam Margera: [both of his hands are covered with hair after using the super mighty glue] That is man-ass Phil over there. Preston's is pretty gross but that is disgusting!
-
Bam Margera: [Dunn is launched into the lake and travels far] I got to give it to Paul Bunyan's 40 foot fucking leap.
Ryan Dunn: It felt like I was in the air for a fort night.
-
Johnny Knoxville: I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Roller Buffalo.
-
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [direct end result of using super mighty glue] Look at my fucking nipples! My fucking armpit kills!
-
Ryan Dunn: That felt like it was blowing a fire ball in my face.
Johnny Knoxville: That looked like you were just getting the hell beat out of you!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [after getting tackled by Jared Allen] He just planted me in the fucking face! That felt like shit!
-
Johnny Knoxville: Good game!
Jared Allen: Good game!
Johnny Knoxville: See you in the shower.
Jared Allen: See you in the shower.
Johnny Knoxville: [thinks about it] Oh fuck!
-
Chris Pontius: This is the kind of extreme shit that those extreme dudes don't even think about.
-
Bam Margera: [to Ehren, who's about to have his tooth extracted by a Lamborghini] Here's the good news - what you are doing is stupid.
-
Dave England: Please take me somewhere where's there no bees!
-
Johnny Knoxville: Hey Jared, try not to hit me with your purse this time!
Jared Allen: Nice wristbands, DOUCHE!
-
Johnny Knoxville: [during the Sweatsuit Cocktail bit] Why Steve-O I believe this is the first cocktail you've had in two years.
Steve-O: [disgusted] Yeah. Here's to good health.
-
Johnny Knoxville: That was pretty impressive. It wasn't a slam, but it was pretty impressive.
[points to a wheel barrow on roller skates]
Johnny Knoxville: But THIS is REALLY impressive!
-
Johnny Knoxville: Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and we're here with professional football players Eric Ainge, Jared Allen, and our referee today - Sean William Scott. This is the Blindside.
[Jared picks up Wee Man and throws him to the ground]
Johnny Knoxville: I didn't do it Wee Man! Jared! Why did you do that?
-
Preston Lacy: [approaching a random pedestrian] Hey man, would you mind watching my dog for a minute?
Jason 'Wee Man' Acuña: [he goes into the store and disappears, Wee Man exits wearing the same clothes] Thanks man, thanks for watching my dog.
-
Preston Lacy: [Steve-O is collecting sweat dripping down Preston's back] Steve-O! Dude, you've got a prostate exam going on back there!
-
Edward Barbanell: I'm Eddie Barbanell and this is some bullshit with a plunger. Preston: move your ass.
-
Rakeyohn: [as Dunn is about to super glue his ass to Phil's back] Dunn, do you shave your ass?
Ryan Dunn: "Do I shave my ass?", look at me! I don't know what a razor feels like.
Johnny Knoxville: Well apparently, you don't know what toilet paper feels like either.
Ryan Dunn: I don't!
-
Butt-Head: Good evening. I'm Butthead. The movie you are about to see will be presented using special 3-D technology. You will see the Jackasses as you have never seen them before. Uh huh huh huh. In three dimensions! Uh huh huh huh.
Beavis: In order to experience this three dimensional technology, you must put on the special glasses you were given in the lobby. Um heh heh heh it doesn't look any different.
Butt-Head: Whoa Beavis - look at my hand! It's in 3-D!
[forms a fist, punches Beavis]
Beavis: Really? Whoa! That's amazing! It felt like you really hit me! It's almost as if your hand...
[Butt-Head repeatedly punches Beavis and vice-versa]
Butt-Head: Sit back and enjoy the movie.
[Butt-head slaps Beavis]
Beavis: That was definitely 2-D. Heh heh heh.
Butt-Head: Dumbass.
-
Dave England: [Preparing for the Beehive Tetherball, he starts getting stung right away] AHH! Do it! Do it!
Loomis Fall: [Holding the beehive] Okay! We got a boat-ton of bees, my two sexy players, this is Beehive Tetherball!
[Tosses the beehive to Steve-O and runs away]
Loomis Fall: Game on!
-
Phil Margera: I had to take a mean shit.
-
Phil Margera: I had to take a mean shit.
Bam Margera: There's a gorilla.
Phil Margera: I know. I had to take a mean shit. It was coming out. Hear it? It's all juicy. I had to do it.
Bam Margera: Phil, you are mingin'.
Phil Margera: I know. I had to.
-
Chris Pontius: A lot of doctors, dentists, I don't really consider them real doctors. They think they're God, you know. Not me.
[pauses]
Chris Pontius: Satan.
Jackass 3D Quotes
Extended Reading
