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Juan: Do you like the Clippers?
Pete: I'm more of a Lakers fan.
[Pete throws the basketball at the net, it bounces off the ring and hits Juan in the face]
Juan: You hit me because I like the Clippers!
Pete: No, I think the Clippers are awesome. I think they were smart for trading Blake Griffin, their best player.
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Karen: Your real kids are different. You can't erase them.
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Ellie: Whose idea was it to go and talk to the teenagers? We could've had a toddler who doesn't have opinions and thong underwear.
Pete: What?
Ellie: You pushed us into some next-level shit!
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Pete: We might have a little bit of knack for this.
Sharon: I beg to differ.
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Karen: Lizzie comes with two younger siblings.
Pete: Three kids, too much.
[Karen and Sharon show the pictures of Juan and Lita to Pete and Ellie]
Pete: Oh, my God!
Ellie: God, they're adorable!
Pete: Why would you show us that? That's wrong.
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Lizzy: PRETEND MOM!
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Stewart: Nothing hard about *kids* . Ah! As long as you spend some time with them, they're kool. Most important thing, make sure the moms all get along.
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Mrs. Fernandez: Things that matter are hard.
Pete: Now I know where Brenda gets her inspiring speech thing.
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Grandma Sandy: You get reminded what a sack of shit you are five times a day, after a while, you can't believe *anyone* could ever love you.
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Pete: When I'm pissed, do you know what I like to do?
[Pete takes a sledgehammer and hits the wall, then gives it to Lizzie]
Lizzy: Really?
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Karen: You're going to get some funny looks and people are going to say some stupid shit., but if you're willing to love these kids who need a mom and dad and somebody has a problem with that, you just ask them how many goddamn kids they've adopted.
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[Pete and Ellie mistakenly confront Charlie thinking he is Jacob]
Ellie: It's that kid Jacob! Hey, I saw the picture you sent to her, Jacob.
Pete: You're lucky I don't end your life right now, carrot top!
Ellie: We're going to call your mom!
Pete: You're going down today!
Ellie: So what do you think of that, Jacob?
Charlie: [sobbing] My name is not Jacob!
Ellie: What?
Charlie: It's Charlie!
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Sharon: Did you meet any kids that you're curious about?
Pete: We met one little girl who was sitting all by herself, very sweet, a little guarded, kind of had a little wall around her. Really small for her age too, maybe a fetal alcohol thing or something?
Sharon: I saw her... Oh, right there.
Pete: The little sad-looking one with pigtails who seems like she's been chained to a radiator half her life.
Sharon: Uh, that's my daughter.
Pete: The radiator kid?
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Ellie: We're gonna adopt a whole shitwhack of kids, and I am thankful that whoever has a problem with it can fuck right off!
Instant Family Quotes
Extended Reading
