Identity Thief Quotes

Sandy Patterson: Do you know what a sociopath is?

Diana: Do they like ribs?

Sandy Patterson: You're diabolical.

Diana: Thank you.

Sandy Patterson: That's not a compliment.

Diana: I know.

Sandy Patterson: I said no jewelry.

Diana: Oh, were you serious?

Sandy Patterson: Yeah.

Diana: You've got to work on your tone.

Julian: [having just been shot] You know what, you're crazy!

Skiptracer: Yep. Diagnosed and everything.

Sandy Patterson: Hi. Good morning. Something wrong with pump five. It's not taking my card.

[Luis swipes card]

Sandy Patterson: Thanks.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: [Speaks Spanish to hearing device and then turns to Sandy] You don't pay your bills, man. I gotta cut the card.

Sandy Patterson: Cut the card. No, I absolutely pay my bills. Run it one more time. Nothing wrong with that card.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: That's not what it says right here.

Sandy Patterson: I don't care what the screen says. Maybe it's broken. I'll go somewhere else. You're not cutting that card.

[Luis speaks Spanish once more]

Sandy Patterson: Cutting the card? That's ridiculous. Tell you what, I'll go somewhere else.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: You go somewhere else? Look, that's my papi. He owns this store. He says cut the card.

Sandy Patterson: Señor...

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: If you don't pay your bills...

Sandy Patterson: My bills are paid.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: Oh, your bills are paid. I gotta cut the card.

Sandy Patterson: Do not cut the card.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: I'm gonna cut the card.

[he cuts the card]

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: I just cut the card. Go pay your bills, Randy.

Sandy Patterson: It's Sandy.

Luis the Gas Station Attendant: Sandy?

[mocks in Spanish]

Sandy Patterson: Now, I have allotted us each $8 per meal, so it looks like you can get one of the...

[gets attention from the Waitress]

Sandy Patterson: One of the salads or a soup or...

[to the waitress]

Sandy Patterson: Sorry, I'm quick. The tomato soup for me, please. That'll do.

Diana: I'm gonna take a full slab of the baby backs, and I'm going to take that with mashed taters, hushpuppies, and I'm going get a... I'm going to have sweet tea.

Sandy Patterson: The fuck you are.

Diana: [chuckles] I don't know what that means.

Sandy Patterson: I asked you to eat less food.

Diana: [In front of Sandy and Trish's preschool-aged daughters, during visitation] Some of these dykes are still really getting up into my sweet junk, but I don't let 'em.

Trish Patterson: Um, girls, "s-sweet junk" is just...

Sandy Patterson: ...dessert. She's having a problem in the mess hall.

[Paul speaks with Marisol from prison on telephone, demanding to know whether Diana was caught]

Paul: Did you get her?

Marisol: Almost.

Paul: "Almost"? Okay, then I *almost* WON'T kill you when I get out of here!

[the Truck-Stop Server puts her thump in Sandy's soup then eats some of his soup]

Truck-Stop Server: Enjoy your soup. And if you have to pee, the lady's room is right back there.