I Love You, Man Quotes

Joyce Klaven: Peter always connected better with women.

Zooey: You know, I can see that because he is a great boyfriend.

Peter Klaven: Thank you fiancee.

Oswald Klaven: Also, you got to understand, Zooey, Peter matured sexually at a very early age. I remember taking him swimming when he was twelve-years-old, kid had a bush like a forty-year-old Serbian.

Peter Klaven: Oh come on!

Peter Klaven: I'm Peter Klaven, I'm the Realtor.

Sydney Fife: Hey check out these two. That guy needs to fart.

Peter Klaven: He does seem to be clenching.

Sydney Fife: Watch the leg... Boom!

Peter Klaven: He farted in my open house.

Sydney Fife: He sure did.

Peter Klaven: Do you need a plastic bag, or...

Sydney Fife: Oh no. I don't clean up after my dog.

Sydney Fife: Society tells us we're civilized but the truth is we are animals. Sometimes we just have to let it out. Try it.

Peter Klaven: Blaaah!

Sydney Fife: Good. Now gently remove your tampon and try again.

Peter Klaven: Are you telling me that Robbie is your best friend?

Oswald Klaven: Yes, and Hank Marducas.

Peter Klaven: So what do i do? How do i make friends?

Robbie Klaven: If you see a cool looking guy, strike up a conversation and ask him on a man date.

Peter Klaven: Ok.

Robbie Klaven: You know what i mean?

Peter Klaven: No.

Robbie Klaven: Casual lunch or after work drinks. You're not taking these boys to see The Devil Wears Prada.

Peter Klaven: Ohhhh god i love that movie. No I wont.

Open House Couple: [after trying to discreetly fart at an open house] I like it, but I'm not sure about the space... I'm thinking it might be a little bit small.

Sydney Fife: [Knowing he farted] Totally, and it smells like fart.

Denise: Oh, my God... Peter's got a boyfriend!

Hailey: And I don't.

Denise: Oh God, why does everything have to be about you?

Hailey: Because I'm single.

Barry: I don't think she sucks his...

Denise: Watch your mouth!

Sydney Fife: You get home safe, Pistol.

Peter Klaven: You got it, Joben.

Sydney Fife: I'm sorry, what?

Peter Klaven: Er... nothing.

Sydney Fife: No, what did you say?

Peter Klaven: Nah, I don't know... You nicknamed me Pistol, and I just called you... "Joben"... It means nothing... I don't... I'm drunk... I'm gonna call a cab.

Peter Klaven: Look man you told my fiancee she needs to give me bloweys, in front of my whole family. Alright you owe me.

Sydney Fife: You make a valid point.

Peter Klaven: She was very nice looking.

Sydney Fife: Yeah... I fucked her.

Sydney Fife: Zooey, you are about to marry one of the most honest, kind and fun-loving people I've ever had the honor of knowing. The Pistol is a pleasure giver that's for sure. So beautiful Zooey, give it back. Yeah?

[winks]

Sydney Fife: Return the favor. And if you do, I guarantee that you will have a beautiful and pleasure filled union.

Peter Klaven: Hey Mel? Do you have any plans on June 30th?

Mel Stein: ...I'm 89 years old what the fuck kind of plans would I have?

Doug: I just wish I could take back that kiss...

Sydney Fife: Woah!

[Looks at Peter]

Doug: ...because now I know it was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the taste of betrayal!

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal.

Peter Klaven: It wasn't the ta...

Doug: It was the taste of betrayal... you fucking whore!

[Storms off]

Peter Klaven: [to Sydney] I can actually explain that.

Sydney Fife: I would looove to hear that!

Sydney Fife: [on phone] Just meet me at Muscle Beach in like... I don't know... half an hour?

Peter Klaven: Muscle Beach. Half an hour. I will see you there or I will see you on another time.

Sydney Fife: That was very confusing. I don't know if you're gonna come or not?

Peter Klaven: No, I'll be there. I'll be there.

Sydney Fife: [laughing] Alright I'll see you then, buddy.

Peter Klaven: Alright. Laters on the menjay.

[Hangs up]

Peter Klaven: What did I just say?

Peter Klaven: Did you know that the best night I've had in the last 5 years is a night that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine, we made a summer salad and watched "Chocolat" together?

Sydney Fife: You mean "Chocolate"?

Peter Klaven: Chocolat.

Sydney Fife: Chocolate with Johnny Depp.

Peter Klaven: Chocolat.

Sydney Fife: You're not fucking French Pete, it's called "Chocolate".

Peter Klaven: Chocolate's got an 'E' on at the end.

Sydney Fife: That was your favorite night?

Peter Klaven: Yes.

Sydney Fife: Your best night in 5 years is watching "Chocolate" with Johnny Depp? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Peter Klaven: With the combination of wine and summer salad and "Chocolat", yeah!

Sydney Fife: [Quietly] You should be embarrassed.

Peter Klaven: I think we should spend some time apart.

Sydney Fife: Okay.

Peter Klaven: So if I actually do wind up having a wedding, its probably best that you... not be there.

Sydney Fife: Yep. Sounds good to me, Pete.

Peter Klaven: And if you could have those billboards taken down...

Sydney Fife: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It will take a few days, but I will get on that. And I'll also make sure you get your money back as soon as possible.

Peter Klaven: Also I think you have my Season 2 LOST DVD's. If you could... If you haven't watched them yet its no...

Sydney Fife: [Grabs DVD] It's fine, Pete. They're right here.

[Throws DVD]

Peter Klaven: [Catches] Thanks.

Peter Klaven: Its just that Zooey hasn't seen them all yet. She's really curious is to what was going on inside that Hatch.

Sydney Fife: Yep.

Sydney Fife: [Shakes hand] I wish you the very best of luck, Peter.

Peter Klaven: You too, Sydney.

Peter Klaven: [to Anwar] Bye, Anwar.

Anwar Sadat: [Snarls]

Peter Klaven: I love you, man.

Sydney Fife: I love you, too, bud.

Peter Klaven: I love you, dude.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Bro Montana.

Peter Klaven: I love you, holmes.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

Peter Klaven: I love you, muchacha.

Sydney Fife: I love you, Tycho Brohe.

[first lines]

Peter Klaven: So, my plan is to create this cluster of live/work lofts all along the perimeter here. And - come here - also I'm planning this neighborhoody, kind of dining and retail area in the central square. You know I even had this thought that you, Denise, and Haley could open up a second location for your store...

Zooey: Really? Because Denise keeps talking about wanting to open up another branch.

Peter Klaven: Well it would be great. I I look, the land is a little pricey, so I couldn't develop it right away. But once I sell the Ferrigno Estate I figured out I could at least put a down payment on it, and still have enough money left over for the reception in Santa Barbara...

Zooey: What are you talking about, what reception?

[repeated line]

Sydney Fife: Oh, that was my mother's name...

Sydney Fife: Wait, you jerked off to a picture of your own girl friend? You - that - wow, that is sick! Oh my God, what is *wrong* with you?

Peter Klaven: What's wrong with that?

Sydney Fife: Pedro, there is so much wrong - I don't even know where to begin... That is sick, man!

Peter Klaven: [Sydney falls backwards off the couch] Sydney, you all right?

Sydney Fife: My fuckin' ass!

Peter Klaven: So I'm thinking about asking Tevin if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.

Sydney Fife: Dude, I pissed on that guy's face at a Bennigans, you do not need to be splitting commission with that frosty-haired chode.

Peter Klaven: Rush! I love Rush!

Sydney Fife: Dude! Rush is greatest rock band of all time!

Sydney Fife: [Extended Scene] And for the record, I saw Chocolat. Just delightful.

Peter Klaven: It is, right?

Sydney Fife: Yeah. I didn't expect to like it but Johnny Depp is just so versatile and winning.

Peter Klaven: He's the best, he's the best.

Sydney Fife: From Jump Street to Fleet Street, the man is a revelation.

Peter Klaven: Depp wins you over.

Sydney Fife: I hated him in Don Juan DeMarco so much I never gave him a second chance - but this time he's Gilbert Great.

Peter Klaven: You don't think you're gonna like it but then you do because he's so good.

Sydney Fife: You know what I like is that he's willing to discard conventional feelings about how to carry yourself as a movie star and live the way that he wants to.

Peter Klaven: You really get the feeling he does what he wants to do. It's amazing. He was in Platoon. Check out Donnie Brasco.

Sydney Fife: Brasco, my God.

Peter Klaven: I like Ed Wood, too.

Sydney Fife: That guy can act. The combination of the chocolate and his acting, it lulled me into acquiescence.

[Zooey yawns]

Peter Klaven: So many times those romantic comedies with food don't work for me. Like Water for Chocolate.

Sydney Fife: Ah, Como Agua Para Chocolate. I read it in the original Spanish.

Peter Klaven: Big Night's good too. That's another movie with food.

Sydney Fife: Yeah. That's with Joe Mantegna?

Peter Klaven: No, that's Stanley Tucci.

Sydney Fife: He's great. He's an actor's actor.

[Barry sneaks out to take a call]

Peter Klaven: Yeah, I think so too. As is Tony Shalhoub.

Sydney Fife: Yeah.

Peter Klaven: Depp, man. Did you know he modelled Jack Sparrow after Keith Richard? From the Rolling Stone, from Rolling Stones.

Sydney Fife: Same old Pete.

Peter Klaven: [after winning at a drinking contest] In your faaace! In your...

[vomits on Barry's face]

Peter Klaven: I'm sorry.

Barry: Get out of my house.

Peter Klaven: I'm so sorry.

Barry: Just get out of my fucking house.

Peter Klaven: I'm so...

Barry: This is not cool, get the fuck out!

Peter Klaven: Hey Tevin.

Tevin Downey: Hey man.

Peter Klaven: What's so funny?

Tevin Downey: One of the guys in my fantasy football league just sent me a QuickTime, it's a grandma riding a Sybian machine.

Peter Klaven: Ha ha, what's that?

Tevin Downey: It's one of those vibrating saddles that women sit on to give them like super intense orgasms.

Peter Klaven: Ohh...

Tevin Downey: Check it out. How sick is that?

Peter Klaven: It's very, that's very sick.

Tevin Downey: So awesome. She's a squirter! She's squirting! Peter, we got a squirter! Old faithful!

Peter Klaven: Hello fiance.

Zooey: Hey baby I totally forgot it's my turn to host lady's night.

Peter Klaven: Oh no prob, I have a fencing practice anyway. I'll grab a beer with Gil and the boys afterward, hit them with the big news

Zooey: Great! I gotta go, love you.

Peter Klaven: Love you too.

Tevin Downey: Peter! Peter! I'm sending it to you.

Peter Klaven: No I don't want it.

Tevin Downey: You got it.

Peter Klaven: Ohh God. I don't even click it, how does it, I didn't click it on

Tevin Downey: She got a bush like a porcupine!

Peter Klaven: I don't want to know anything about her bush. Hi, Lynette.

[Last lines]

Sydney Fife: I'd just like to make a quick toast.

Peter Klaven: [Grabs Sydney's mic] No!