I Heart Huckabees Quotes

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?

[repeated]

Dawn Campbell: Why don't you like my spots?

Marty: Honey, this look is hurting you, and it's hurting Huckabees.

Dawn Campbell: This is myself.

Marty: Then you won't speak at the benefit as yourself. That is not Huckabees.

Dawn Campbell: I am still Huckabees.

Marty: Not in that bonnet.

Dawn Campbell: It's in my eyes, Marty. It's like that story of the cave.

Marty: What in God's name is happening to you? We trusted you. We took care of you. We made you into a national icon. Pulled you out of a mall. Eh, you've been given everything by Huckabees.

Dawn Campbell: Fuck-a-bees!

Vivian Jaffe: You live all the time with things you can't see. You can't see electricity, can you? You can't see radio waves, but you accept them.

Bernard Jaffe: Trust.

Albert Markovski: Fuck trust!

Bernard Jaffe: You better stay away from Caterine, Albert, 'cause she's gonna lead you down the path of darkness.

Vivian Jaffe: She was our prize graduate student until she went astray.

Albert Markovski: No, I think that I am going to stay with her, and the cracks and the pain and the nothingness, because THAT's more real to me, THAT's what I feel.

Tommy Corn: Word.

Bernard Jaffe: Okay, we're not sweatin' it.

Vivian Jaffe: No, we're gonna work with Brad.

Bernard Jaffe: It'll all come back to you and interconnection.

Albert Markovski: Brad? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna work on that prick and it's all gonna come to pain and no connection!

Bernard Jaffe: No.

Tommy Corn: It's on.

Tommy Corn: Ah, here he comes!

Albert Markovski: Oh, boy.

Tommy Corn: The man-poet who banged France's dark lady of philosophy. The parking lot crusader of truth... who turned his back on his other like a cold-blooded gangsta.

Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?

Brad Stand: I think so.

Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?

Brad Stand: Ehhh...

Albert Markovski: No, I'm not. I'm talking about not covering every square inch with houses and strip malls until you can't remember what happens when you stand in a meadow at dusk.

Bret: What happens in the meadow at dusk?

Albert Markovski: Everything!

Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!

Albert Markovski: Everything.

Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!

Albert Markovski: Everything!

Mrs. Hooten: Nothing!

Albert Markovski: It's beautiful.

Tommy Corn: It's beautiful.

Dawn Campbell: [emotionless] These are the best tops around. Last time, last year - not so good.

[suddenly fervent]

Dawn Campbell: But now, this is the *truth*!

Vivian Jaffe: Have you ever transcended space and time?

Albert Markovski: Yes. No. Uh, time, not space... No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Tommy Corn: [after being hit in the face with a rubber ball] Awesome! Can we do the ball thing everyday?

Caterine Vauban: Don't call it the ball thing. Call it pure being.

Tommy Corn: Okay... so can we do the pure being ball thing everyday?

Mr. Hooten: Do you have a job, Tom?

Tommy Corn: I'm a firefighter.

Mrs. Hooten: Oh, God bless *you*! A hero!

Tommy Corn: I'm not a hero. We'd all be heroes if we quit using petroleum, though.

Albert Markovski: The interconnection thing is definitely for real.

Tommy Corn: It is! I didn't think it wasn't! It is!

Albert Markovski: I know, I can't believe it, it's so fantastic!

Tommy Corn: It's amazing!

Albert Markovski: I know.

Tommy Corn: But it's also nothing special.

Mr. Hooten: What happened to the cat, Albert?

Albert Markovski: How'd you know about my cat?

Mr. Hooten: The cat was killed by curiosity.

Albert Markovski: Oh, right, that cat.

Mr. Hooten: God gave us oil! He gave it to us! How can God's gift be bad?

Tommy Corn: I don't know. He gave you a brain too and you messed that up pretty damn good.

Mr. Hooten: I want you sons of bitches out of my house now!

Tommy Corn: If Hitler were alive, he'd tell you not to think about oil.

Mrs. Hooten: *You're* the Hitler! We took a Sudanese refugee into our home!

Tommy Corn: You did. But how did Sudan happen, ma'am? Could it possibly be related to dictatorships that we support for some stupid reason?

Mr. Hooten: You shut up! You get out!

Tommy Corn: You shut up.

[to Albert]

Tommy Corn: Come on. Let's get out of here.

Mrs. Hooten: Albert, what brought you to the philosophical club?

Albert Markovski: You mean the existential detectives?

Mr. Hooten: Sounds like a support group.

Cricket: Why can't he use the church?

Mrs. Hooten: Sometimes, people have additional questions to be answered.

Cricket: Like what?

Albert Markovski: Well, um, for instance: if the forms of this world die, which is more real, the me that dies or the me that's infinite? Can I trust my habitual mind, or do I need to learn to look beneath those things?

[Albert's in the zipper bag for the first time]

Brad Stand: Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.

Darlene: We will fucking destroy you, deary!

Mr. Nimieri: [holding up a still] Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq.

[Brad and Dawn ride up on jet skis and wave]

Albert Markovski: What is it, a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lange?

Vivian Jaffe: Albert, have you ever been in love?

Albert Markovski: What kind of question is that?

[last lines]

Tommy Corn: What are you doing tomorrow?

Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?

Tommy Corn: What time?

Albert Markovski: Mmm, 1, 1:30.

Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?

Albert Markovski: We always do.

[last lines]

Tommy Corn: [Albert and Tommy sitting on marsh rock] What are you doing tomorrow?

Albert Markovski: I was thinking about chaining myself to a bulldozer. Do you want to come?

Tommy Corn: What time?

Albert Markovski: Mm, one, one-thirty.

Tommy Corn: Sounds good. Should I bring my own chains?

Albert Markovski: We always do.

[Scene goes blurry. Tommy hits Albert in the face with the big orange ball and then hits himself in the face with it]

Albert Markovski: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.

Brad Stand: I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.

[first lines]

Albert Markovski: [Blurry shot of tree]

[Albert's thoughts are voiced aloud to us, but not the audience on camera]

Albert Markovski: Mother-fucking, cocksucker, mother-fucking, shit-fucker, what am I doing?

[Albert walks out from behind tree, towards camera. As he gets closer to the camera the scene comes into focus]

Albert Markovski: What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't than nothing in this world makes any sense to me; I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit.

[Albert stops walking and begins speech about saving a piece of the marsh]

Bernard Jaffe: [points to zipper bag] All right, get in.

Albert Markovski: You want me to get in?

Bernard Jaffe: Mm-hm.

Albert Markovski: So get in here?

Bernard Jaffe: Yeah.

Albert Markovski: What's gonna happen to me in there?

Bernard Jaffe: You're gonna see.

Mr. Hooten: Stevo, I'm so disappointed.

Mrs. Hooten: It's all right. Look, he's sad. He's sad.

Mr. Hooten: I'm sorry Stevo. My bad. You didn't know.

Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Mr. Hooten: I should be what?

Tommy Corn: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Mr. Hooten: And why's that? Why whould I be ashamed of myself?

Tommy Corn: You're a hypocrite.

Mr. Hooten: I'm a what?

Tommy Corn: You're misleading these children. 'Cause you're the destroyer, man.

Mr. Hooten: How am I the destroyer?

Tommy Corn: I saw that S.U.V. out there.

Mr. Hooten: My car's the destroyer? You wanna know how many miles per gallon I get?

Vivian Jaffe: Why don't you just tell me what your situation is?

Albert Markovski: Look, I'm not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?

Vivian Jaffe: Well, we'll investigate and solve your case.

Albert Markovski: How?

Vivian Jaffe: If you start a contact we'll follow you.

Albert Markovski: You'll spy?

Vivian Jaffe: Yes.

Albert Markovski: On me?

Vivian Jaffe: Yes.

Albert Markovski: Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?

Vivian Jaffe: Yes.

Albert Markovski: In the bathroom?

Vivian Jaffe: Yes.

Albert Markovski: Why?

Vivian Jaffe: There's nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.

[running away from Vivian and Bernard]

Tommy Corn: I want my money back!

Albert Markovski: Yeah, and if I weren't pro bono, I'd want MY money back!

Vivian Jaffe: Passive aggressive.

Brad Stand: Shut up!

Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive aggressive.

Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?

Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

Cricket: Jesus is never mad at us if we live with Him in our hearts!

Tommy Corn: I hate to break it to you, but He is - He most definitely is.

[first lines]

Albert Markovski: Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? The African guy is a sign, right? Because if he isn't, than nothing in this world makes any sense to me. I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!

Bernard Jaffe: [grappling with removal men] Give me the teddy!

[shouts]

Bernard Jaffe: Give me the teddy!

Albert Markovski: That's bullshit because he doesn't care about things like this, where's the African guy, bring me the African guy, where's the African guy?

Brad Stand: Dude, what're you talking about?

Albert Markovski: Why does he get to write poetry? There's no Gazelles in North America Brad, just so you know, and the building squashing nature is my imagery, not yours, you don't write poetry

Albert Markovski: That fire was a bitch-ass thing to do!

Caterine Vauban: No, it liberated you from Brad.

Albert Markovski: Or maybe, it bonded me even closer with him.

Heather: [gyrates her body] All this and brains, too!

[slaps her posterior]

Brad Stand: Hey, welcome. You like my new office?

Bernard Jaffe: Let's start with the method.

Brad Stand: Let's start with the method.

Vivian Jaffe: We'd like to discuss...

Brad Stand: We'd like to discuss...

Bernard Jaffe: Okay, what are you doing?

Brad Stand: Okay, what are you doing?

Bernard Jaffe: What are you doing?

Brad Stand: [chuckling] I'm jokin' around, guys. But seriously, I want to quit the process with you. Nothing personal. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm over it.

Vivian Jaffe: You can't quit until the case is over.

Brad Stand: Ah, I can fire you.

Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't.

Brad Stand: Sure I can.

Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't. Paragraph 201. "Neither client nor detective may terminate case prior to resolution as defined by paragraph 314, subclause 'd'." Which states...

Brad Stand: That's not binding.

Bernard Jaffe: Oh, it's binding.

Brad Stand: I'll find a lawyer. Or maybe even go to the FBI. How 'bout that?

Bernard Jaffe: Go ahead.

Brad Stand: Oh, I will. I'm not kidding.

Vivian Jaffe: Brad, this is how it works. You go to the police. You tell them you went to the existential detectives. They ask why. You say, "For personal reasons." Or, maybe you wanted to work the politics at your corporation by rattling Albert Markovski.

Brad Stand: I never told you that.

Bernard Jaffe: Well, give us a little credit.

Vivian Jaffe: The police go to Huckabees. They talk to them. The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand, has weird existential issues. Or he fakes them.

Bernard Jaffe: Which is odd.

Vivian Jaffe: Which is worse.

Vivian Jaffe: And your girlfriend, the voice of Huckabees, is dressing like an Amish bag lady.

Brad Stand: Okay, I get it.

Bernard Jaffe: You know, Brad, suddenly, your star isn't rising anymore. It's sinking.

Brad Stand: Okay. I said I get it, Bernie. Relax.

Bernard Jaffe: Passive-aggressive.

Brad Stand: Shut up.

Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive-aggressive.

[pause]

Bernard Jaffe: Shall we get back to the case?

Brad Stand: All right. What you got on me? Nothin'.

Bernard Jaffe: Our staff did a little field work in, uh, Cleveland.

Bernard Jaffe: What? Talk to my family?

Vivian Jaffe: [holding up a picture] Mommy and Daddy look awesome. So do you.

Brad Stand: You bastards.

Bernard Jaffe: But this guy...

[Points to Brad's brother]

Bernard Jaffe: He doesn't look too good, does he, Brad?

Brad Stand: How could you do this?

[starts to sob, then suddenly breaks into laughter]

Brad Stand: Are you kidding me? He weighs 250. He talks about geckos all the time.

Vivian Jaffe: I thought he was a sweet, sensitive young man.

Brad Stand: Oh, excuse me. You spoke to my sad, fat brother?

Vivian Jaffe: Indeed, I did, at length.

Bernard Jaffe: Well, if he's so sensitive, why doesn't he lose 70 pounds and stop talking about geckos. Maybe he'll find some friends.

Vivian Jaffe: Well, your brother feels that you're ashamed of him.

Bernard Jaffe: Are you sympathetic to him?

Brad Stand: Are you kidding me? I gave him a car. I send him shirts. I... look.

[opens desk drawer]

Brad Stand: Here, guys. Geckos. And I keep 'em. I'm a pretty good older brother.

Vivian Jaffe: He wishes you would listen to him more.

Bernard Jaffe: About what, geckos? Look, I don't have all the answers, but maybe he should listen to me more and learn a little.

Vivian Jaffe: You have several stories that you like to tell over and over and over.

Bernard Jaffe: Like the mayonnaise story. The mayo story.

[Pulls out a tape recorder]

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: May 18, sales meeting.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there, promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. She hates mayonnaise, right? Allergic to it. So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. Back then that's all she's eating. Tuna fish. No mayo, darling.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: June 5, driving range.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: No joke. We gave her a chicken salad sandwich once... she threw up in the back of the limo.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: June 30, the lake.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00, and she's starving. She's a busy lady. I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. That's all she's eating back then, tuna fish.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: July 9, Flight 27 to Chicago.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. The lady hates chicken salad. Gave it to her once, she threw up.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: August 17, conference call.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? No mayo. She hates it. And she cannot eat chicken salad. That's no joke.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: September 3, in traffic, your cell phone.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? Back then that's all she's eating, tuna fish. No mayo. I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her. She eats one and a half. No way she believes me. She eats one and a half sandwiches before she realizes it's chicken salad.

Vivian Jaffe: Why do you think that you tell the mayo story so much?

Brad Stand: I don't know. Why?

Bernard Jaffe: It's propaganda.

Brad Stand: [scoffing] For mayonnaise?

Bernard Jaffe: For you.

Vivian Jaffe: Specifically, you're so impressive because you know Shania. And you're so strong because you pulled one on her.

Bernard Jaffe: You're a funny guy, a good guy.

Vivian Jaffe: Keeping everyone laughing, so that maybe, quote, you don't get depressed.

Brad Stand: [shouting] Well, what's so great about depression?

Bernard Jaffe: Nothing. Unless it holds the key to something you compulsively avoid, so it will never be examined or felt. Hence your behavior becomes repetitive like the story.

Vivian Jaffe: Like the story.

Bernard Jaffe: Like the story.

Bernard Jaffe: Shut up. Alright, I don't have to tell stories.

Vivian Jaffe: What do you think would happen if you didn't tell the stories? Are you being yourself?

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?

Bernard Jaffe: How am I not myself?

Vivian Jaffe: How am I not myself?

Bernard Jaffe: How... am I not... myself?

Brad Stand: Why is marriage and kids so important? I mean, there's an overpopulation problem.

Vivian Jaffe: Whoa. Whoa.

[Dawn scoffs, insulted]

Bernard Jaffe: Well, that came out of left field.

Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty.

[Brad whispers in her ear]

Dawn Campbell: Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never their pretty girl.

Bernard Jaffe: Really?

Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.

Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex?

Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex?

Dawn Campbell: The sex?

Brad Stand: Come on, guys.

[laughs]

Brad Stand: Come on. That's private.

Dawn Campbell: That's gross.

Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.

Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us?

Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened.

Brad Stand: So your surveillance is wrong!

[laughs uncomfortably]

Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality.

Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity.

Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking.

Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?

Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven!

Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling.

Dawn Campbell: Eight minutes of heaven! It's not quality, it's quantity!

[laughs hysterically]

Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.

Tommy Corn: You don't want to ask these questions?

Molly Corn: No. I wanna live my life.

Tommy Corn: What is that life, baby? What are we part of? Who are we? Look at this, look at this

[shows her one of her shoes]

Tommy Corn: . Do you know where these come from?

Molly Corn: Yeah. My closet. The store.

Tommy Corn: Indonesia.

[turns to young daughter]

Tommy Corn: Baby... this is the truth, ok? Little girls like you, they have to work in dark factories where they go blind, for a dollar sixty a month just to make Mommy her pretty shoes. Can you even imagine that, Caitlin?

Caitlin Corn: [shouting] I don't want the children to work in factories! Stop it from happening!

Molly Corn: Your Daddy's crazy, honey.

Tommy Corn: Daddy's not crazy, baby. The world is crazy. It's important to ask these questions.

Molly Corn: Shut up!

Tommy Corn: Mommy doesn't ask because Mommy doesn't care. Don't stop asking questions, baby!

Tommy Corn: Sorry I grabbed you.

Vivian Jaffe: Reptilian!