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[on Claudius]
Livia: That child should have been exposed at birth.
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[reciting a poem for the court]
Minester: The golden hair that Gala wears is hers/Who would have thought it?/She swears it's hers, and true she swears/For I know where she bought it!
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[reciting another poem]
Minester: You ask me how my farm can pay/Since little it will bear/It pays me thus: 'Tis far away/And you are never there.
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[to the senate]
Augustus: I called you all here to talk about the level of opposition to my new law against bachelorism. Do you know what I say? I say: "STOP COMPLAINING AND GET MARRIED."
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[On seeing your ex-spouse in secret]
Livia: You saw Julia's mother after your divorce.
Augustus: Yes, but not in secret.
Livia: Well I don't remember being present...
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[Of Claudius's clumsiness]
Tiberius: That grandson of yours could wreck the empire just by strolling through it.
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[Of the senate]
Livia: They won't allow me in because I am a woman, and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. That's strange, when you come to think of it, because it's filled with nothing but old women and fools.
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[On Marcellus' death]
Antonia: It's not fair to accuse Livia of things without any proof.
Julia: Why shouldn't I? She accuses *ME* of all sorts of things without proof.
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[to Antonia]
Young Caligula: Evil German woman. I'll burn your German house down.
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[Regarding Augustus and his family]
Tiberius: That family is starting to sound like a Greek tragedy.
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[about Augustus]
Tiberius: Are you drinking because he nearly died or because he didn't?
Livia: Sarcastic aren't we this morning?
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[of Livia]
Germanicus: Between reading so many letters and arranging so many rapes, when does she ever sleep?
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Caligula: [after committing an especially gruesome murder] Aren't people awful?
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Drusus: [on the wisdom of invading Britannia, i.e. Britain] There's nothing of value there, and the people make very poor slaves.
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Claudius: Oh, this is all starting to sound very familiar...
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Claudius: Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out.
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Claudius: A man should keep faith with his friends, even when they're dead.
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Praetorian: Oi!
[Points at the trembling, bewildered Claudius]
Praetorian: Him... KAISER! Right?
Hun: .... Ja?
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Claudius: One day the Man who Dwells by the Pool shall Open Graves...
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Julia: Fat? If I'm Fat it's because I'm Fat where a Woman should be! Not skinny, like a boy!
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Claudius: [to the Young Caligula, who was caught with Drusilla] Now, a Sister is a Sister!
I, Claudius Quotes
Extended Reading
