How to Steal a Million Quotes

[Evaluating Nicole's cleaning-woman costume]

Simon Dermott: Yes, that's fine. That does it.

Nicole Bonnet: Does what?

Simon Dermott: Well, for one thing, it gives Givenchy a night off.

Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom, take off your clothes.

Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?

[Nicole describes the burglar to her Papa]

Nicole Bonnet: Well, it was pitch dark and there he was. Tall, blue eyes, slim, quite good-looking... in a brutal, mean way, Papa. A terrible man!

Charles Bonnet: This tall, good-looking ruffian with blue eyes, he didn't, er, molest you in any way, did he?

[Nicole is staring off dreamily]

Charles Bonnet: Well, did he?

Nicole Bonnet: Not much.

Nicole Bonnet: I keep telling you, Papa, when you sell a fake masterpiece, that is a crime!

Charles Bonnet: But I don't sell them to poor people, only to millionaires.

Nicole Bonnet: I feel like I'm going to faint!

Simon Dermott: Don't, there's no room.

Nicole Bonnet: I can't drive a stolen car!

Simon Dermott: Same principle, four gears forward, one reverse.

Nicole Bonnet: For a burglar you're not very brave, are you?

Simon Dermott: I'm a society burglar. I don't expect people to rush about shooting me!

Nicole Bonnet: I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I got engaged to him. Is it alright? Am I on time?

Simon Dermott: Perfectly. In fact, we have ten more minutes, so if you want to go back and marry him?

Charles Bonnet: I doubt very much if Van Gogh himself would have gone through so much trouble.

Nicole Bonnet: He didn't have to. He was Van Gogh!

Nicole Bonnet: Is this how you normally work, by the mile?

Simon Dermott: I'm thinking. Look at my forehead: all wrinkled!

Nicole Bonnet: Don't be such a baby, it's only a flesh wound!

Simon Dermott: Happens to be my flesh.

Nicole Bonnet: Now where are we going?

Simon Dermott: My apartment.

Nicole Bonnet: I'd like to remind you, Mr. Dermott, ours is a business relationship.

Simon Dermott: We can leave with the others and have a quiet dinner, or we stay. Then we're committed to go through with it. Do you really want it that much?

Nicole Bonnet: More!

Simon Dermott: Okay, you're the boss. Just do as I tell you.

Simon Dermott: [about to see Nicole to a taxi] Just one more tiny favour: like an idiot I forgot to wear gloves on the job. I may have left some fingerprints. Be an angel. Before you go to bed, just give the frame of the painting a little wipe with a clean cloth, ok?

Nicole Bonnet: Certainly. Anything else? You wouldn't like a forged passport or some counterfeit money or...

Simon Dermott: Oh, no no no.

Nicole Bonnet: You're mad. Utterly mad. I suppose you want to kiss me goodnight?

Simon Dermott: Oh, I don't usually, not on the first acquaintance, but you've been such a good sport...

[he kisses her, she resists at first, than yields]

Simon Dermott: [to the taxi driver] 38, Rue Parmentier, drive carefully.

[to Nicole]

Simon Dermott: Get a good night's sleep.

Simon Dermott: Why must it be this particular work of art?

Nicole Bonnet: You don't think I'd steal something that didn't belong to me, do you?

Simon Dermott: Excuse me, I spoke without thinking.

Nicole Bonnet: Your arm is much better.

Simon Dermott: Oh no no, it hurts, it hurts.

Nicole Bonnet: It's the other arm.

Simon Dermott: The infection is spreading.

Simon Dermott: Where precisely were you in the early part of the sixteenth century?

Nicole Bonnet: I don't know but that's not how I was dressed.

Charles Bonnet: What have I done? I've given the world a precious opportunity of studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.

Nicole Bonnet: Which is not by Cellini!

Charles Bonnet: Ahh, labels, labels. It's working with the Americans that's given you this obsession with labels and brand names. I wish you'd give up that ridiculous job.

Nicole Bonnet: All right, where to?

Simon Dermott: The Ritz.

Nicole Bonnet: The what?

Simon Dermott: The Hotel Ritz. It's in the Place Vendôme.

Nicole Bonnet: I know where it is. You're a very chic burglar.

Simon Dermott: [nodding his head in a agreement] Mmmhmmm.

Nicole Bonnet: [seeing Simon eye the Venus] You wouldn't dare!

Simon Dermott: Fear not. I'm off duty.

Simon Dermott: I know about their so called tests.

Nicole Bonnet: Papa, they aren't so called they are!

Simon Dermott: That thing isn't loaded is it?

Nicole Bonnet: Course it is.

[cocks the gun]

Nicole Bonnet: Are you armed?

Nicole Bonnet: Oh dear havens. I'll call you a taxi! And pay for it is that alright!

Simon Dermott: That's fine. However, if the police find my car parked outside your house. It could mean questions. I'm wanted you know.

Nicole Bonnet: Alright, I'll drive you home, is that alright?

Nicole Bonnet: [having just driven Simon home] Now how do I get home?

Simon Dermott: You see, you never can tell when you might need a friend.

Nicole Bonnet: Papa, I caught a burglar!

Charles Bonnet: Of course you did!

Insurance Clerk: By the way sir, would you like to be present at the technical examination?

Nicole Bonnet, Charles Bonnet: Tech-technical examination?

Simon Dermott: Look, it's early, why don't I show you the real Paris?

Nicole Bonnet: That's very kind of you, but I live here; I was born in Paris.

Simon Dermott: Oh, that's right, I forgot. Well why don't you show me the real Paris.

Simon Dermott: [after telling Nicole he won't help her] Oh don't you dare cry!

Nicole Bonnet: I"m not I've got something in my eye!

Simon Dermott: There's nothing wrong with your eye. You're crying to try and soften me up.

Nicole Bonnet: It's not true!

Simon Dermott: It won't work. I'm too tough!

Simon Dermott: GO!

[pauses]

Simon Dermott: And meet me at the museum at five-thirty sharp. And don't ask me why or I'll hit you with a bucket!

Nicole Bonnet: Marvelous.

Simon Dermott: No applause, please. Wait till you see what I do for an encore.

Nicole Bonnet: [staring to change into her disguise] Turn around.

Simon Dermott: What for?

[realizing what she means]

Simon Dermott: They go on over the clothes!

Simon Dermott: [regarding the Venus] It's a fake, isn't it?

Nicole Bonnet: I...

Simon Dermott: No long drawn out stories at this time of night. Just simply nod your head yes or no.

Simon Dermott: [crazy Senor Paravideo comes as Nicole and Simon are leaving] Who's that?

Nicole Bonnet: [obviously lying] Papa's cousin... from South America!

Simon Dermott: You know for someone who started lying recently, you're showing a real flair!

Nicole Bonnet: Oh thank you!

[she hugs him]

Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom. Take off your clothes.

Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?

Simon Dermott: You're quite safe. It's dress rehearsal time. That's why we bought all this lovely junk.

DeSolnay: Leland, remember - I sold you your first painting, I made you a collector - I thought it would help you to relax!

Davis Leland: [hands shake violently as he prepares to write down a note] Well its great - I've never been so relaxed in all my life!

DeSolnay: Yes I can see that.

Nicole Bonnet: Why?

Simon Dermott: Why? You asked me why? Well, I ask you why. Why are we breaking into a heavily guarded museum to steal a precious statue which belongs to you? Why?

Nicole Bonnet: But I told you why. I mean, I told you why I couldn't tell you why.

Simon Dermott: [asking about the statue] Who carved it?

Nicole Bonnet: My grandfather.

Simon Dermott: Who posed for it?

Nicole Bonnet: My grandmother.

Simon Dermott: Ah.

Nicole Bonnet: But you're the first one to see a resemblance.

Simon Dermott: Well I'm very sensitive and perceptive.

Charles Bonnet: Our Venus! Don't you feel a kind of thrilling glow in that?

Nicole Bonnet: I have chills run up and down my spine.

Nicole Bonnet: A lovely dinner. Marvelous wine. How did you know how to choose it?

Davis Leland: I own a vineyard.

Nicole Bonnet: Well, what fun!

Davis Leland: It's a subsidiary of Eastern Coal and Coke.

Nicole Bonnet: Eastern Coal and Coke?

Davis Leland: That's a subsidiary of Western Wool and Flax.

Nicole Bonnet: Fascinating. What's your growth factor?

Davis Leland: Say! You're marvelous. You're wonderful. You know, usually I have trouble talking with girls, but with you, it's as though you were a member of the Board.

Charles Bonnet: We live in a crass, commercial world, with no faith or trust!

Nicole Bonnet: We must keep Prof. Bauer from examining the Venus.

Charles Bonnet: But how? I've just given my permission. I've not only put my head into the guillotine, I've unloosened my collar and tie so that they can chop it off.

Marcel: A Señor Paravideo to see you, Sir.

Charles Bonnet: Who?

Marcel: A South American gentleman, I believe, Sir. Of an excitable nature.

Charles Bonnet: Didn't he tell you that he's got the great Toulouse-Lautrec from the Bonnet collection?

Nicole Bonnet: Your Lautrec or Lautrec's Lautrec?

Charles Bonnet: Mine, naturally.

Nicole Bonnet: It's very valuable. It's worth a million dollars!

Simon Dermott: I know. There are also a million policemen prowling around it. That works out to about a dollar a policeman and I don't like the rate of exchange.

Simon Dermott: Isn't this place cleaned regularly? Look at this sleeve, just from brushing against the woodwork.

Senor Paravideo: I'm sorry, but we have a complete staff of cleaning women.

Davis Leland: Made up my mind. Man of action! Snap judgment. I bought a fleet of tankers that way once. One of the best deals I ever made.

Nicole Bonnet: But I'm not a fleet of tankers and I'm not getting engaged to a man I barely know.

Davis Leland: Well, you'll get to know me. Look me up in Who's Who, Dun & Bradstreet.

Simon Dermott: Comfy?

Nicole Bonnet: I hadn't counted on there being quite so much togetherness.

Nicole Bonnet: He locked the door. He's locked us in!

Simon Dermott: It's challenging, I admit, but doesn't that make it more interesting?

Charles Bonnet: Extraordinary! Is he always so abrupt?

Nicole Bonnet: Not in a closet.