[Evaluating Nicole's cleaning-woman costume]

Simon Dermott: Yes, that's fine. That does it.

Nicole Bonnet: Does what?

Simon Dermott: Well, for one thing, it gives Givenchy a night off.
Charles Bonnet: American millionaires must be all quite mad. Perhaps it's something they put in the ink when they print the money.
Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom, take off your clothes.

Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?
[Nicole describes the burglar to her Papa]

Nicole Bonnet: Well, it was pitch dark and there he was. Tall, blue eyes, slim, quite good-looking... in a brutal, mean way, Papa. A terrible man!
Charles Bonnet: This tall, good-looking ruffian with blue eyes, he didn't, er, molest you in any way, did he?

[Nicole is staring off dreamily]

Charles Bonnet: Well, did he?

Nicole Bonnet: Not much.
Nicole Bonnet: I keep telling you, Papa, when you sell a fake masterpiece, that is a crime!

Charles Bonnet: But I don't sell them to poor people, only to millionaires.
Charles Bonnet: Don't you know that in his lifetime Van Gogh only sold one painting? While I, in loving memory of his tragic genius, have already sold two.
Nicole Bonnet: I feel like I'm going to faint!

Simon Dermott: Don't, there's no room.
Nicole Bonnet: I can't drive a stolen car!

Simon Dermott: Same principle, four gears forward, one reverse.
Nicole Bonnet: For a burglar you're not very brave, are you?

Simon Dermott: I'm a society burglar. I don't expect people to rush about shooting me!
Nicole Bonnet: I didn't want to keep you waiting, so I got engaged to him. Is it alright? Am I on time?

Simon Dermott: Perfectly. In fact, we have ten more minutes, so if you want to go back and marry him?
Charles Bonnet: I doubt very much if Van Gogh himself would have gone through so much trouble.

Nicole Bonnet: He didn't have to. He was Van Gogh!
Nicole Bonnet: Is this how you normally work, by the mile?

Simon Dermott: I'm thinking. Look at my forehead: all wrinkled!
Nicole Bonnet: Don't be such a baby, it's only a flesh wound!

Simon Dermott: Happens to be my flesh.
Nicole Bonnet: You really are the smuggest and most hateful man.
Nicole Bonnet: Now where are we going?

Simon Dermott: My apartment.

Nicole Bonnet: I'd like to remind you, Mr. Dermott, ours is a business relationship.
Simon Dermott: We can leave with the others and have a quiet dinner, or we stay. Then we're committed to go through with it. Do you really want it that much?

Nicole Bonnet: More!

Simon Dermott: Okay, you're the boss. Just do as I tell you.
Simon Dermott: [about to see Nicole to a taxi] Just one more tiny favour: like an idiot I forgot to wear gloves on the job. I may have left some fingerprints. Be an angel. Before you go to bed, just give the frame of the painting a little wipe with a clean cloth, ok?

Nicole Bonnet: Certainly. Anything else? You wouldn't like a forged passport or some counterfeit money or...

Simon Dermott: Oh, no no no.

Nicole Bonnet: You're mad. Utterly mad. I suppose you want to kiss me goodnight?

Simon Dermott: Oh, I don't usually, not on the first acquaintance, but you've been such a good sport...

[he kisses her, she resists at first, than yields]

Simon Dermott: [to the taxi driver] 38, Rue Parmentier, drive carefully.

[to Nicole]

Simon Dermott: Get a good night's sleep.
Simon Dermott: Why must it be this particular work of art?

Nicole Bonnet: You don't think I'd steal something that didn't belong to me, do you?

Simon Dermott: Excuse me, I spoke without thinking.
Nicole Bonnet: Your arm is much better.

Simon Dermott: Oh no no, it hurts, it hurts.

Nicole Bonnet: It's the other arm.

Simon Dermott: The infection is spreading.
Simon Dermott: Where precisely were you in the early part of the sixteenth century?

Nicole Bonnet: I don't know but that's not how I was dressed.
Charles Bonnet: What have I done? I've given the world a precious opportunity of studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.

Nicole Bonnet: Which is not by Cellini!

Charles Bonnet: Ahh, labels, labels. It's working with the Americans that's given you this obsession with labels and brand names. I wish you'd give up that ridiculous job.
Nicole Bonnet: All right, where to?

Simon Dermott: The Ritz.

Nicole Bonnet: The what?

Simon Dermott: The Hotel Ritz. It's in the Place Vendôme.

Nicole Bonnet: I know where it is. You're a very chic burglar.

Simon Dermott: [nodding his head in a agreement] Mmmhmmm.
Simon Dermott: [Nicole screeches to a halt in front of Simon's hotel] Well, we made it here alive.
Simon Dermott: [being introduced to the museum head] Miss Bonnet and I are old friends. We used to shoot together.
Nicole Bonnet: [seeing Simon eye the Venus] You wouldn't dare!

Simon Dermott: Fear not. I'm off duty.
Charles Bonnet: My dirt!
Simon Dermott: I know about their so called tests.

Nicole Bonnet: Papa, they aren't so called they are!
Charles Bonnet: Our Cellini Venus is really our own. So, be proud of it. Your own grandfather made it, and your own grandmother posed for it. For months she stood without moving a muscle while your grandfather perpetuated her in marble. That was, naturally, before she started eating those enormous lunches.
Simon Dermott: That thing isn't loaded is it?

Nicole Bonnet: Course it is.

[cocks the gun]

Nicole Bonnet: Are you armed?
Simon Dermott: [reviving Nicole from her faint] I'm the one that's bleeding!
Simon Dermott: [regarding his wound] This should keep me out of action for a week!
Nicole Bonnet: Oh dear havens. I'll call you a taxi! And pay for it is that alright!

Simon Dermott: That's fine. However, if the police find my car parked outside your house. It could mean questions. I'm wanted you know.

Nicole Bonnet: Alright, I'll drive you home, is that alright?
Simon Dermott: It's National Crime Prevention Week. Take a burglar to dinner.
Nicole Bonnet: [having just driven Simon home] Now how do I get home?

Simon Dermott: You see, you never can tell when you might need a friend.
Nicole Bonnet: Papa, I caught a burglar!

Charles Bonnet: Of course you did!
Simon Dermott: [bumping into Nicole at the museum] Good morning! We meet under the most artistic circumstances.
Nicole Bonnet: [to Davis Leland] I'm sorry you fell in love with the Venus, but she's not for sale! But believe me if she were mine she'd be on your doorstep in the morning!
Insurance Clerk: By the way sir, would you like to be present at the technical examination?

Nicole Bonnet, Charles Bonnet: Tech-technical examination?
Simon Dermott: Look, it's early, why don't I show you the real Paris?

Nicole Bonnet: That's very kind of you, but I live here; I was born in Paris.

Simon Dermott: Oh, that's right, I forgot. Well why don't you show me the real Paris.
Simon Dermott: Why don't you wait till you get it home and steal it then? No muss, no fuss, just a nice clean inside job? I'd be happy to offer my services.
Simon Dermott: I want you to take a long look at the trees, the blue sky, and the river, all of which I personally loathe, which is why a juicy stretch in a French prison doesn't bother me at all.
Simon Dermott: [after telling Nicole he won't help her] Oh don't you dare cry!

Nicole Bonnet: I"m not I've got something in my eye!

Simon Dermott: There's nothing wrong with your eye. You're crying to try and soften me up.

Nicole Bonnet: It's not true!

Simon Dermott: It won't work. I'm too tough!
Simon Dermott: GO!

[pauses]

Simon Dermott: And meet me at the museum at five-thirty sharp. And don't ask me why or I'll hit you with a bucket!
Nicole Bonnet: Marvelous.

Simon Dermott: No applause, please. Wait till you see what I do for an encore.
Nicole Bonnet: [staring to change into her disguise] Turn around.

Simon Dermott: What for?

[realizing what she means]

Simon Dermott: They go on over the clothes!
Simon Dermott: [regarding the Venus] It's a fake, isn't it?

Nicole Bonnet: I...

Simon Dermott: No long drawn out stories at this time of night. Just simply nod your head yes or no.
Nicole Bonnet: Indian wrestling at a time like this?
Simon Dermott: [crazy Senor Paravideo comes as Nicole and Simon are leaving] Who's that?

Nicole Bonnet: [obviously lying] Papa's cousin... from South America!

Simon Dermott: You know for someone who started lying recently, you're showing a real flair!

Nicole Bonnet: Oh thank you!

[she hugs him]
Simon Dermott: Yours is a capricious nature. Do you always blow hot and cold like this?
Simon Dermott: [after leaving a book with some coins inside] Watch for normal human reactions!
Simon Dermott: I tossed a coin on the way over. *You* lost.
Simon Dermott: [about the Cellini Venus] Oh! She's fine. She's wrapped up in one of my old shirts, just as snug as could be. I rocked her to sleep in my arms last night. It's the first time I ever did that with a grandmother.
Simon Dermott: Our telephones may be tapped, so I'll conduct this entire conversation in Swahili. How are you?
Simon Dermott: There's the bathroom. Take off your clothes.

Nicole Bonnet: Are we planning the same sort of crime?

Simon Dermott: You're quite safe. It's dress rehearsal time. That's why we bought all this lovely junk.
DeSolnay: Leland, remember - I sold you your first painting, I made you a collector - I thought it would help you to relax!

Davis Leland: [hands shake violently as he prepares to write down a note] Well its great - I've never been so relaxed in all my life!

DeSolnay: Yes I can see that.
Nicole Bonnet: Why?

Simon Dermott: Why? You asked me why? Well, I ask you why. Why are we breaking into a heavily guarded museum to steal a precious statue which belongs to you? Why?

Nicole Bonnet: But I told you why. I mean, I told you why I couldn't tell you why.
Simon Dermott: [asking about the statue] Who carved it?

Nicole Bonnet: My grandfather.

Simon Dermott: Who posed for it?

Nicole Bonnet: My grandmother.

Simon Dermott: Ah.

Nicole Bonnet: But you're the first one to see a resemblance.

Simon Dermott: Well I'm very sensitive and perceptive.
Charles Bonnet: Come along, you'll like Monsieur Grammont. He's impeccably honest and extremely dull.
Charles Bonnet: Our Venus! Don't you feel a kind of thrilling glow in that?

Nicole Bonnet: I have chills run up and down my spine.
Charles Bonnet: I am pleased and proud that our Cellini Venus is a forgery. If it were genuine, what would it be? A piece of sculpture made centuries ago by some over-sexed Italian.
Nicole Bonnet: A lovely dinner. Marvelous wine. How did you know how to choose it?

Davis Leland: I own a vineyard.

Nicole Bonnet: Well, what fun!

Davis Leland: It's a subsidiary of Eastern Coal and Coke.

Nicole Bonnet: Eastern Coal and Coke?

Davis Leland: That's a subsidiary of Western Wool and Flax.

Nicole Bonnet: Fascinating. What's your growth factor?

Davis Leland: Say! You're marvelous. You're wonderful. You know, usually I have trouble talking with girls, but with you, it's as though you were a member of the Board.
Charles Bonnet: We live in a crass, commercial world, with no faith or trust!

Nicole Bonnet: We must keep Prof. Bauer from examining the Venus.

Charles Bonnet: But how? I've just given my permission. I've not only put my head into the guillotine, I've unloosened my collar and tie so that they can chop it off.
Marcel: A Señor Paravideo to see you, Sir.

Charles Bonnet: Who?

Marcel: A South American gentleman, I believe, Sir. Of an excitable nature.
Charles Bonnet: Didn't he tell you that he's got the great Toulouse-Lautrec from the Bonnet collection?

Nicole Bonnet: Your Lautrec or Lautrec's Lautrec?

Charles Bonnet: Mine, naturally.
Charles Bonnet: This will not be a scandal, but a triumph! Let the experts come pouring in! Let them bring their X-rays, their microscopes - even their nuclear weapons if they like.
Simon Dermott: What's the score, baby?
Nicole Bonnet: It's very valuable. It's worth a million dollars!

Simon Dermott: I know. There are also a million policemen prowling around it. That works out to about a dollar a policeman and I don't like the rate of exchange.
Simon Dermott: Isn't this place cleaned regularly? Look at this sleeve, just from brushing against the woodwork.

Senor Paravideo: I'm sorry, but we have a complete staff of cleaning women.
Nicole Bonnet: If you'll tell me what you're doing and why, I'll buy you a cowboy suit and a set of trains.
Simon Dermott: How do you like being a gangster's moll, baby?
Davis Leland: Made up my mind. Man of action! Snap judgment. I bought a fleet of tankers that way once. One of the best deals I ever made.

Nicole Bonnet: But I'm not a fleet of tankers and I'm not getting engaged to a man I barely know.

Davis Leland: Well, you'll get to know me. Look me up in Who's Who, Dun & Bradstreet.
Simon Dermott: Comfy?

Nicole Bonnet: I hadn't counted on there being quite so much togetherness.
Nicole Bonnet: He locked the door. He's locked us in!

Simon Dermott: It's challenging, I admit, but doesn't that make it more interesting?
Simon Dermott: I was chipping a piece of your father's paint from that lovely van Gogh when you loomed up in your nighty and shot me in the arm.
Charles Bonnet: Extraordinary! Is he always so abrupt?

Nicole Bonnet: Not in a closet.
Simon Dermott: Why? You tell me why. Why must we break into a heavily guarded museum to steal a precious statue that belongs to you. Why!

How to Steal a Million Quotes

Extended Reading

How to Steal a Million short comments

Tyrel 2022-06-12 23:15:48

I really like the interesting and wonderful lines in the film, which make the original weak emotional foundation of the hero and heroine become cute and playful~ Peter O'Toole's blue-eyed appearance can only be said that the director understands it well. The scene is full of pure hormones, and O'Toole's long legs are also very stealthy. It's so kind to see Tuco~