Hot Tub Time Machine Quotes

Jacob: For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones.

Lou: You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Jacob: [to Lou] I have some Ativan but it's different.

Lou: Well, let's stick it up our asses!

Jacob: It's not a suppository!

Lou: It doesn't matter. You crush it up, put it in a paper towel, run it under some warm water, and you stick it right up your ass. That works!

Jacob: [Refferring to Lou] Do you remember when I was 12 and he tried to bite me.

Adam: Yeah, but you had that coming.

Adam: One little change has a ripple effect and it effects everything else. Like a butterfly floats its wings and Tokyo explodes or there's a tsunami, in like, you know, somewhere.

Jacob: Yes exactly. You step on the bug and the fucking internet is never invented.

Lou: Oh then you'll have to talk to girls with your mouth.

Jacob: Yeah. No. I was more concerned about bigger consequences like not being born.

Lou: Yeah. No. I don't care about that.

Lou: It's the fucking 80's guys. Let's do what we want to do. Free Love!

Jacob: That's the 60's, dipshit.

Adam: We had like Reagan and AIDS. Let's get the fuck outta here, okay? Do the right thing, Violator!

Jacob: I'm kinda right in the middle of a thing right now, but can I text you later?

Girl at Club: Can you what?

Jacob: Are you online at all?

Girl at Club: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jacob: How do I get a hold of you?

Girl at Club: You come find me.

Jacob: That sounds... exhausting.

April: What happened to your...

Adam: I got stabbed in the face with a fork, I saw it coming, I avoided it, I didn't avoid it, it happened to me in a different way.

Lou: [to Adam and Nick] Oh, man, what the fuck's he doing here?

Jacob: Nice to see you too, Lou.

Lou: [mimicking] Nice to see you too, Lou. Fuck you, Jacob! You suck and you know it! You just ruined my fucking weekend.

Adam: Why don't you do something out of the house this weekend?

Jacob: What should I do out of the house this weekend Uncle Adam?

Adam: Something in the course of reality, get a job, go to college.

Jacob: That all sounds overrated.

Nick: [Nick is having sex with Tara in the bathtub in order to keep the events of the past unchanged. Nick is crying about cheating on his wife] Courtney.

Tara: Tara.

Nick: Courtney.

Tara: Tara.

Nick: Courtney.

Tara: No seriously my name is Tara.

Nick: Not you, my wife.

Tara: You're married?

Nick: No, not yet, she's nine.

Adam: Why do you waste your time with that second-life bullshit? Look at you. You're still in jail. You were in jail last week.

Jacob: Yeah, I'm a prisoner. It's called "doing hard time".

Adam: Can't you be like a warrior or shaman or orc or some shit like that?

Lou: [On his knees] Oh, wow, good for you.

Nick: [Eyes closed, crying] I know, right?

Lou: It's like Gary Coleman's fucking forearm. It's so black, so impossibly black. Oh God, I love you buddy.

Nick: Don't say that!

Lou: I'm sorry, I do!

Nick: Excuse me Miss, what color is Michael Jackson?

Girl At Bar: ...black?

Nick: AAHHH!

Jacob: Do I really got to be the asshole that says we got in this thing and went back in time?

Nick: It must be some kind of hot tub time machine...

[deadpans into camera]

Lou: Every young man's fantasy is to have a three-way.

Jacob: Yeah not with another fucking guy!

Lou: It's still a three-way!

Repairman: [indicates cigarette machine] Hey, maybe what you need isn't in here after all.

[indicates Candy Girl's heart]

Repairman: Maybe what *you* need has always been in here.

Candy Girl: Really?

Repairman: No.

Lou: Fuckin' Russian energy drink, Chernobly. Its got this shit in it, not even legal here.

Adam: Whats in it?

Lou: How the fuck am I supposed to know dude, but it's illegal.

Receptionist: I do have a reservation here for a Nick Webber-Agnew.

Lou: [overhears Nick's name] ... Webber-Agnew?, Webber *fucking* Agnew?, you took your wife's last name?

Nick: It's progressive, a lot of dudes are doing it.

Nick: Lou, why would he do this?

Adam: Why? I mean make a list. He's an alcoholic, he's divorced, his wife ran off with that Jamaican guy.

Nick: He's failed at every jived ass money hustle he's ever tried.

Adam: He has a mountain of debt.

Nick: He hates his mother.

Adam: Hates himself, hates everybody.

Nick: He has erectile dysfunction.

Adam: He's got halitosis.

Nick: He's got that right ball! One less ball, shriveled up

Adam: Oh yeah!

Nick: ...like a... spoiled grape.

Adam: I don't know. It's just like an accumulation of punishment.

Lou: [Throws a pillow] FUCK YOU GUYS!

Nick: Just like Cincinatti.

Lou: What?

Adam: You're gonna bring that up?

Lou: We said we weren't gonna talk about Cincinatti ever, okay?

Jacob: Is that why you have that shoebox in your closet that says "Cincinatti"?

Adam: Yeah!

Lou: What? That's fucking admissible!

Nick: You keep it in the closet?

Adam: What was I supposed to do with it? You can't bury those things.

Nick: You wrote "Cincinatti" on it?

Adam: How do I know which one it's supposed to be?

Jacob: Is it a fetus?

Nick: My friends are ridiculous.

Adam, Nick: Ko... di... ak...

Lou: ...Valley! Fuckin' K-Vals!

Adam: Listen to me, man. That guy, that guy has pummeled you again and again.

Nick: He made you his little bitch!

Adam: He's humiliated you, emasculated you. The wheel of fate has stopped and dumped you here again, utterly defeated.

Lou: None of this is helping me at all.

Adam: I know, it's coming. It's coming right now.

Nick: Patience.

Adam: Maybe you're supposed to do something different...

Blaine: What is this, girl talk? Let's go here, come on.

Adam: You're better than him!

Blaine: America!

Adam: Maybe not by a lot, but a little. You're the patron saint of the totally fucked. You're completely toxic. There's nothing you can't kill. You're the fucking Violator!

Blaine: The moment's over. Let's go!

Adam: You can do this! You can get us the fuck out of here! You can be the hero!

Nick: Enrique'-fucking'-lglesias.

Adam: You love that song, don't you?

Lou: I love that fucking song!

[Lou gets up, launches himself one-footed off of the couch at Blaine. Blaine moves out of the way and punches Lou twice, knocking him back to the ground]

Adam: Shit.

Lou: God damn it! None of what you said worked at all!

Young Adam: [to Jenny, as Adam flashes back] It's not you, it's me.

[Jenny stabs Young Adam in right eye with plastic fork]

Young Adam: Ah!

Dr. Jeff: I'm Dr. Jeff. Lou's resting. He's denying that it's a suicide attempt. Medically, he's stable; so, medically we can't keep him here. But, we do think he should be monitored for a few days. Does he have any family?

Adam: Lou's family all kind of hate him.

Dr. Jeff: Okay, well, then, I guess it's up to you guys - his friends You are his friends? Right?

Nick: It's like that friend who's the asshole. He's our asshole.

Jacob: Shit! This is the black diamond?

Adam: Terrifying.

Lou: That's all you got?

Nick: I don't remember this.

Lou: Tips down. Tips fuckin' down! Right away. Let's ride.

Adam: By all counts we should be pretty fucked up right now, but I - I kind of feel great.

Nick: I feel crazy right now.

Lou: I feel fantastic! I wanna *fuck* somethin'!

Jacob: Wait. How is this happening? Can we talk about this for a minute?

Adam: [picks up a flyer] Holy fuck! Winterfest '86. We were here, man. We are here! What if we run into ourselves?

Jacob: Guys! This is scientifically possible.

Lou: Oh, my God. Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible.

Jacob: All right, I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I know what I'm talking about right now.

Lou: I seriously almost passed out, you're such a dork.

Jacob: Okay. The tub is obviously some kind of energy vortex, right? Like a black hole! But, instead of being in space, it's, you know, it's in a hot tub. Time is not linear, we just perceive it that way!

Adam: The carving you made 20 years ago, about me sucking cocks and dicks, it's not there.

Lou: Wait. Is "cocks" still there?

Adam: Nothing. I mean, it's not there.

Lou: What about "dicks"?

Adam: Neither "cocks," nor "dicks," nor "sucks."

Lou: Oh, God!

Nick: That's it. We're stuck in the fuckin' '80s!

Nick: You know what's going on here, don't you, old man?

Repairman: Yes, I do. Your tub is on the fritz. It'd behoove you to fix it.

Lou: Wow! I don't remember her being that fucking beautiful.

Nick: And tight. She's so tight.

Lou: She's really fuckin' tight!

Jacob: One, two, three...

Jacob, Lou, Adam, Nick: Hot tub time machine!

Jacob: It felt good. Admit it.

Jenny: God, I can't stop thinking about last night. It was like - friggin' hot.

Adam: It was? What did we do? I don't remember.

Jenny: You lasted, like, 10 minutes.

Lou: I didn't fuck that girl. Okay? Because I'm committed to not changing the past.

Jacob: Right. It had nothing to do with her wanting to be a Chinese finger trap. And I'm not saying that because she was Asian.

Jenny: Everybody knows what a big deal you're gonna be some day.

Adam: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not anybody.

Jenny: Adam, okay. It's not you, it's me.

Adam: I say that to you. You don't say that to me. That's not how this works.

Lou: What's the matter, dude? Come on.

Nick: I'm sorry, man. I'm just preoccupied.

Lou: You just kind of down about being black and out of shape?

Nick: What the fuck is wrong with you? No.

Lou: Because you look good, you know? This is a great time for black people. I mean our time, not this time. This is a terrible time for black people.

Adam: I'm not really making any plans. I'm just sort of letting the universe surprise me, right?

April: I like that. I like that a lot. That's the sign of a happy man.

Lou: Come on! Come on, come on. Panties, panties, panties!

Kelly: What the fuck are you doing?

Lou: Why don't you shut your slut mouth and mind your own fucking business?

Kelly: You disgust me. I love how much you hate you.

Lou: Thank you.

Kelly: Aren't you coming to my room with me?

Lou: No, I gotta take my clothes off and get in a hot tub with these guys.

Adam: Don't fuck around, Lou. Let's go!

Lou: I'm good here, man. I had a good day! I beat the shit out of that guy, finally! I fucked your sister!

Adam: If you're gonna stay, I'm gonna stay!

Lou: You'd really do that for me?

Adam: We're best friends! If you're staying, I'm staying! Your bullshit's my bullshit, right?

Lou: I'm your best friend?

Adam: You are *one* of my best friends.

Lou: I'll take that!

Nick, Jacob, Lou, Adam: Cheers!

Nick: To past, present and future.

Customer: Don't I know you? I know you! You're the singer from Chocolate Lipstick. You guys used to play at the Jam Shack on Friday nights.

Nick: Damn! You remember that?

Customer: Yeah. You were so good.

Customer: Oh my God. Are you still singing?

Nick: No no, that was a long time ago.

Customer: Oh wow. What are you doing now?

Customer: You get shit shit out of dog's asses. That's great.

April: Maybe the universe will bring us together again.

Adam: I hope.