Horrible Bosses Quotes

Detective Hagan: Do you want to explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? One block from the victim's house. Just moments after he got shot dead.

Nick Hendricks: I was drag-racing. I'm a drag-racer.

Detective Samson: You were drag-racing.

Nick Hendricks: [nods]

Detective Samson: In a Prius.

Nick Hendricks: I don't win a lot.

Kurt Buckman: Are you a businessman?

Dean 'MF' Jones: Yeah. Motherfucker Jones.

Kurt Buckman, Dean 'MF' Jones: [they shake hands] What's that?

Dean 'MF' Jones: Motherfucker Jones.

Dale Arbus: Your first name is... Motherfucker?

Dean 'MF' Jones: Not "motherfucker". "Motherfuckah". White people say "-er", Negroes say "fuck-ah". You say "er", I say "ah".

Kurt Buckman: C'mon! Let's do this! Think about Gam-Gam! Wouldn't she want her favorite grandson to be happy?

Nick Hendricks: She wouldn't want me to kill him.

Kurt Buckman: You gotta forget about Gam-Gam. She's dead. Move on.

Dale Arbus: [Talking to man on NavGuide] Hey, I always wondered these kinds of things, but is your real name Gregory?

Atmanand: [in Indian accent] Um, no, sir. Standard NavGuide protocol is to use names American people find easy to pronounce. My real name is Atmanand.

Kurt Buckman: You know what, buddy, I'm not gonna play by the rules. I'm gonna call you Akmantad.

Nick Hendricks: Atmonent.

Atmanand: [slowly pronouncing] At-man-and.

Kurt Buckman: I'm just gonna call you Gregory cuz that name is a fuckin' nightmare, buddy, let me tell you.

Kurt Buckman: You don't fucking punch the driver!

Nick Hendricks: Yeah, you don't punch the driver, man.

Dale Arbus: I'm coked out of my fucking head, I can punch whoever I want to!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.

Dale Arbus: My dong?

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You are going to fuck my slutty little mouth.

Dale Arbus: [about Bobby Pellit] Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?

Kurt Buckman: I didn't know I had DNA in my butt!

Dale Arbus: You're lying! You *know* there's DNA in your butt! You just like shoving shit in your ass, you fucking pervert!

Nick Hendricks: We are lawyering up, man. That's it.

Dale Arbus: I don't have money for a lawyer, okay! I bought a very expensive ring that I can't afford, then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones!

Kurt Buckman: That's who we should talk to.

Nick Hendricks: Sure. Why not? He's covered us this far, right? Five grand?

Dale Arbus: Five thousand... forty, with the briefcase.

Kurt Buckman, Nick Hendricks: Shut the fuck up about that case!

Dean 'MF' Jones: First thing first: we gotta handle business.

Kurt Buckman: Mm-hmm.

Dean 'MF' Jones: I need $5000.

Kurt Buckman: No!

Dale Arbus: No!

Nick Hendricks: There's gonna be no more money.

Dale Arbus: No!

Dean 'MF' Jones: $2000?

Dale Arbus: No.

Nick Hendricks: Absolutely not.

Kurt Buckman: No way, Motherfucker. No.

Dean 'MF' Jones: [sighs in defeat] All right, look... pay for my drinks.

Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks? Yeah.

[to Nick]

Dale Arbus: Pay for his drinks.

Nick Hendricks: I'll do that.

Dale Arbus: Not a very good negotiator.

[first lines]

Nick Hendricks: I get to work before the sun comes up, and I leave long after it's gone down. I haven't had sex in 6 months with someone other than myself. And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime. Could be a kiwi, no way to tell.

Bobby Pellitt: You're three hours late. What's the deal?

Kurt Buckman: I was at your father's funeral.

Bobby Pellitt: Uh-huh. Well, maybe that excuse would have flown when my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.

Kurt Buckman: Your father told me very clearly that he would rather die than save money and hurt people.

Bobby Pellitt: Well, guess what? Looks like we're right on schedule then.

Nick Hendricks: Where were you during the murder?

Kurt Buckman: I was making love. I was making love to a woman. You know... murdering some ass.

Kurt Buckman: [last lines - out-take] Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel and showing her the 50 states, right?

Nick Hendricks: I don't know what that means.

Kurt Buckman: It's a phrase.

Nick Hendricks: I don't think so.

Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it is. Certainly it is. Definitely it is.

Nick Hendricks: Really?

Kurt Buckman: Yeah, it's from a movie.

Nick Hendricks: [negative head shake] uh-uh.

Kurt Buckman: It is now.

[looking into camera]

Nick Hendricks: Beautiful.

[winks at the camera]

Bobby Pellitt: You know what, I don't hear you giving... dickskin any shit.

Kurt Buckman: Dickskin? Nice.

Bobby Pellitt: Kiss ass.

Jack Pellit: Come on, come on.

Bobby Pellitt: Yeah, go on, in you go. Go on, gay boy!

Kurt Buckman: I'm not gay!

Bobby Pellitt: Please. I've seen gay boys. You're one of them.

Kurt Buckman: Yeah, where'd you see them?

Bobby Pellitt: In your house! Get in! I'm a green belt, motherfucker!

[out-take]

Kurt Buckman: [in reference to Bobby's house] This place is awful. It's like The Sharper Image took a shit in here.

Dale Arbus: [Julia shows him pictures of her cavorting with him while he was unconscious] Rape. Rape, rape, this is what raping is. You're a raper, you've raped me. That's a rape! RAPE!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Oh, just relax there, Jodie Foster. Your dick wasn't even hard.

Dale Arbus: That does not give me any relief.

Dale Arbus: Shut the fuck up for a second.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Don't you tell me to shut...

Dale Arbus: Julia, shut the fuck up for a second, all right? Now, here's what's gonna happen, okay? I'm going to take a very nice, very expensive two-week vacation with my fiancee. Let's call it a honeymoon, all right? And you are gonna pay for it. Then I'm going to return to a rape-free workplace, all right? Because if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia, I will have yours locked the fuck up, you crazy bitch whore!

[Dale pauses]

Dale Arbus: Ah, that felt good.

Dale Arbus: [walks into Julia's office, notices she is wearing nothing but heels, panties, and her white jacket covering her breasts] Oh, shit!

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [pushes a lock button on her desk to prevent Dale from leaving]

Dale Arbus: Uh-oh.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: [motions to the chair] Will you have a seat, Dale?

Dale Arbus: Do I have to?

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Please.

Dale Arbus: Sure.

[slowly and awkwardly takes his seat]

Dale Arbus: This is a little ridiculous, but...

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Look, Dale, you know... I know I like to fool around at work, right? And I might even, you know, I might even cross the line a bit. But the last thing I wanna do is-is make you uncomfortable. I mean, it's just not professional, you know? And I pride myself on being a professional. So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know... when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?

Dale Arbus: Okay. Now.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: What?

Dale Arbus: Well, now, you're kinda crossing a line... because you're naked.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: Uh... I'm not naked, Dale. Can you *see* my pussy?

Dale Arbus: [nervously] Hmm... true. Um... but I think, uh, even really saying the word..."pussy", that's...

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: That's crossing the line?

Dale Arbus: Little bit.

Dr. Julia Harris, D.D.S.: You're starting to sound like a little faggot there, Dale.

Dale Arbus: There we go! That one's another one. Probably illegal thing to say, too.

Nick Hendricks: I'm such a sucker! Harken was never gonna promote me...

Kurt Buckman: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everybody!

Dale Arbus: She stood there with her breasts, right in my face!

Kurt Buckman: ...Y'know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

Dale Arbus: Your ad said you do wetwork.

Wetwork Man: That is correct. I urinate on other men for money. Why else do you think my ad was in the "Men seeking Men" section?

Kurt Buckman: [to Dale] You fucking idiot!

Dale Arbus: We are MEN looking for another man!

Bobby Pellitt: [after tricking Kurt into firing Hank] This is an Accounting Department decision, my hands are tied. I'm sorry.

Kurt Buckman: [to Hank] This wasn't my idea.

Hank Preston: [dubious] Fuck... you... Kurt.