Home Alone 2: Lost in New York Quotes

[Harry and Marv have arrived in New York by stowing away in a fish truck]

Harry: Here we are, Marv. New York City. The land of opportunity.

[sniffs]

Harry: Smell that?

Marv: [sniffs] Yeah.

Harry: Know what that is?

Marv: Fish.

Harry: It's freedom.

Marv: No, it's fish.

Harry: It's freedom, and it's money.

Marv: Okay, okay, it's freedom.

Harry: Come on, let's get out of here before somebody sees us.

Marv: And it's fish.

Kate McCallister: [at the 5 star Plaza Hotel] What kind of hotel allows a child to check in alone?

Desk Clerk: The boy had a very convincing story.

Kate McCallister: What kind of idiots do you have working here?

Desk Clerk: The finest in New York.

Cedrick the Bellman: Do you know how the TV works?

Kevin McCallister: I'm 10 years old. TV is my life.

[Frank snatches a can of Coke out of his son Fuller's hand]

Uncle Frank McCallister: Hey, hey, easy on the fluids pal. The rubber sheets are packed.

Tracy McCallister: [Opening lines at the beginning of the movie; Tracy's frantically looking for her sunblock] Has anybody seen my sunblock?

Sondra McCallister: What's the point in going to Florida if you're going to put on sunblock?

Megan McCallister: I don't care if I age like an old suitcase, I'm getting toasted.

Buzz McCallister: Great, now you can be a skag with a slightly darker shade of skin.

Brooke McCallister: He's just jealous because he doesn't tan. His freckles just connect.

Officer Bennett: Has the boy ever run away from home?

Peter McCallister: No.

Officer Bennett: Has he ever been in a situation where's been on his own?

Kate McCallister: [Kate shakes her head. Peter gives her a look] As a matter of fact, this has happened before. It's become sort of a McCallister family travel tradition.

Peter McCallister: Funnily enough, we never lose our luggage.

[They both laugh, and knock on the wooden desk]

Kate McCallister: [Officer Bennett does not laugh] He was left at home, by accident, last year.

Peter McCallister: That's what my wife meant when she said this has become a McCallister family travel tradition.

Kevin McCallister: Hey. You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?

Marv: Nevah!

Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Kevin McCallister: You've gotta help me. There's two guys after me.

Concierge: What's the matter? Store wouldn't take your...

[pulls Kevin's credit card out of his pocket]

Concierge: Stolen credit card? Let's see what the police have to say about this.

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: Can I help you?

Kevin McCallister: A reservation for McCallister?

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: A reservation for yourself?

Kevin McCallister: Ma'am, my feet are hardly touching the ground. I'm barely able to look over the counter. How can I make a reservation for a hotel room? Think about it. A kid coming into a hotel, making a reservation? I don't think so.

Marv: [seizes a brick] SUCK BRICK KID!

[throws down to Kevin]

[last lines]

Cedrick the Bellman: Mr. McCallister's room service bill, sir.

[he hands Buzz the bill]

Cedrick the Bellman: Merry Christmas, sir.

[he hold out his hand for a tip, of which Buzz hands him: Gum]

Cedrick the Bellman: Nice family. Really.

[Buzz looks at the long room service bill worth over $967.00]

Buzz McCallister: [sarcastically] Merry Christmas, indeed. Oh, Daaaad...

Peter McCallister: [yells out] KEVIN! YOU SPENT $967 ON ROOM SERVICE?

Cedric the Bellman: You know, Herbert Hoover once stayed here on this floor.

Kevin McCallister: The vacuum guy?

Cedric the Bellman: No, the President.

Harry: You better say every prayer you ever heard, kid.

Marv: I hope your parents got you a tombstone for Christmas!

Harry: [opens the cash register and steals money from it] Merry Christmas, Harry.

Marv: [opens the money chest and steals money from it] Happy Hanukkah, Marv.

[climbing down the rope]

Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?

Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.

Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?

[Kevin lights a match]

Kevin McCallister: Merry Christmas.

Harry: Go up!

Marv: Aaaah!

Harry: Yep, one quick score. We get ourselves a couple of phony passports and we hightail it to some foreign country.

Marv: Arizona?

Harry: [rolls his eyes]

Marv: [swipes coins from a street Santa]

Harry: That's very smart, Marv. You bust outta jail to rob 14 cents from a Santa Claus?

Marv: Every little bit helps. Besides, now we got our new nickname: we're the Sticky Bandits.

Harry: Real cute. Very cute.

Marv: Huh?

Harry: I hate throwing a job knowing that little creep is on the loose.

Marv: Yeah but what can he do? He's a kid. Kids are helpless.

Harry: Not this kid.

Marv: Yeah but this time he doesn't have a house full of dangerous goodies to get us with. He's in the park. He's alone. Kids are scared of the park.

Harry: Yeah. Grown men come into the park and never leave alive. Good luck little fella.

Buzz McCallister: [after making a formal apology to the family; whispers to Kevin] Beat that, you little trout sniffer.

Kevin McCallister: [gets up] I'm not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me and since he gets away with everything, I let him have it. And since you're all so STUPID to believe his lies, I don't care if your idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not! Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate, anyway?

[turns to leave]

Kate McCallister: Kevin!

Peter McCallister: Kevin, you walk out of here and you sleep on the third floor.

Fuller McCallister: [gleefully] Yeah, with me.

Kevin McCallister: So what else is new?

Uncle Frank McCallister: You better not wreck my trip, you little sour puss, your dad's paying good money for it.

Kevin McCallister: Oh, wouldn't wanna spoil your fun, Mr. Cheap Skate!

[Exits]

Buzz McCallister: What a troubled young man.

Peter McCallister: Hey Kevin, you better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.

Kevin McCallister: My tie is in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man.

[Peter and Kate stare]

Kevin McCallister: Whatever that means.

Peter McCallister: [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just, uh, run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at... Anything.

Kate McCallister: Why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and to the rest of the family, you can come down.

Kevin McCallister: I'm not apologizing to Buzz; I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!

Kate McCallister: Then you can stay up here the rest of the night.

Kevin McCallister: Fine, I don't wanna be down there, anyway. I can't trust anybody in this family. And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation. Alone. Without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kate McCallister: Well you got your wish last year, maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin McCallister: I hope so!

Aunt Leslie McCallister: [At the airport, awaiting luggage] Give this to Kevin.

Tracy McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Linnie McCallister: Kevin.

Buzz McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Rod McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Sondra McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Megan McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Jeff McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Brooke McCallister: Give this to Kevin.

Fuller McCallister: Here you go Kevin

[startled when he sees an elderly couple, then hands bag back]

Fuller McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Officer Bennett: [talking to Peter McCallister, and finding out that Kevin has credit cards] We'll notify the credit card companies immediately. IF you son has the cards, we can get the location on him, *when* and if he uses them.

Kate McCallister: No, I don't think Kevin even knows how to use a credit card.

[at the Plaza Hotel, Mrs. Stone puts the credit card into payment]

Kevin McCallister: [watching in bewilderment] Wow, it worked.

Kevin McCallister: I'm sorry. You wanted a tip.

Cedrick the Bellman: Um, that won't be necessary, sir. I still have some...

[Shows Kevin a piece of gum]

Cedrick the Bellman: tip left over.

Kevin McCallister: [takes out a bundle of cash] No tip? Okay.

[Kevin closes the door as Cedrick begs him not to close it]

Cedrick the Bellman: Uh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait...

Cedrick the Bellman: [presents a pair of boxers] Your drawers, sir.

Kevin McCallister: [grabs them] Geez! Don't flash these babies around here; there could be girls on this floor!

Cedrick the Bellman: I was very careful, sir.

Kevin McCallister: You can't be too careful when it involves underwear.

Cedrick the Bellman: I understand.

Waiter: Two scoops, sir?

Kevin McCallister: Two? Make it three. I'm not driving.

[Kevin is watching a video of an old gangster movie]

Gangster: [on TV] You was here last night too, wasn't ya?

Dame: [on TV] I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night.

Kevin McCallister: She was not, she was smooching with your brother.

Gangster: You was here. And you was smoochin' with my brother!

Kevin McCallister: See?

Gangster Johnny on TV: Maybe I'm off my hinges, but I believe you. That's why I'm gonna let you go. I'm gonna give you to the count of three to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four flushing carcass OUT my door! 1... 2...

[Fires Tommy gun, killing girl gangster]

Gangster Johnny on TV: 3. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

[fires again]

Gangster Johnny on TV: And a Happy New Year.

[Fires one last shot]

[Marv has just had a brick dropped on his head from three stories up and is reeling on the sidewalk]

Harry: [holding up three fingers on one hand] Marv, how many fingers am I holding up?

Marv: Uh, hmmmmmm, eight?

Gangster: [on a video playing on a TV in another room] All right. I believe ya... but my Tommy gun don't! Get down on your knees and tell me you love me!

Concierge: [to the others] On your knees.

[they get down on their knees. The Concierge is so embarrassed it takes him a few moments to summon up the nerve to say the words]

Concierge: [with all the enthusiasm he can muster] I love you!

[in the other room, Kevin creases up with laughter and hits the play button again]

Gangster: You gotta do better than that!

Concierge, Bellman, Desk Clerk, Cliff, Security Guard: I love you!

Gangster: [on a video playing on a TV in another room] You was here last night too, wasn't ya?

Concierge: [unaware he's listening to a video] Yes, sir. I was.

Gangster: You was here, and you was smoochin' with my brother!

Concierge: [scoffs and looks embarrassed] I'm afraid you're mistaken, sir.

Gangster: Don't gimme that! You've been smoochin' with everybody! Snuffy, Al, Leo, Little Moe with the gimpy leg, Cheeks, Boney Bob, Cliff.

[one of the other staff members happens to be called Cliff, it says so on his name badge. He gasps and the others look at him, shocked]

Cliff: It's a lie!

Gangster: I could go on forever, baby!

Harry: [hears a loud rumbling] What's that sound?

[a tool chest bursts through the door, pinning them to the wall]

Marv: [congested] That was the sound of a tool chest falling down the stairs.

Harry: Oh.

Kevin McCallister: Boy, it's scary out there.

Cab Driver: [turns around to reveal his frightening face] Ain't much better in here, kid.

[Kevin gasps in horror and flees the cab]

Streetwalker #1: [to Kevin] Ooh, lookin' for someone to read you a bedtime story?

[laughs evilly]

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: You see that tree there? Well, to show our appreciation for your generosity, I'm gonna let you select an object from that tree that you can take home with you.

Kevin McCallister: For free?

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: Oh, yes. Oh, and may I make a suggestion? Take the turtle doves.

Kevin McCallister: I can have two?

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: Well, two turtle doves. I'll tell you what you do: you keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. And as long as each of you has your turtle dove, you'll be friends forever.

Kevin McCallister: Wow, I never knew that. I thought they were just part of a song.

Mr. E.F. Duncan, Owner Duncan's Toy Chest: They are. And for that very special reason.

Kevin McCallister: [staring at the Rockefeller Center tree] I know I don't deserve a Christmas, even if I did do a good deed. I don't want any presents. Instead, I want to take back every mean thing I ever said to my family. Even if they don't take back the things they said to me. I don't care. I love all of them... Including Buzz. I know it isn't possible to see them all. Could I just see my mother? I'll never want another thing as long as I live if I can just see my mother. I know I won't see her tonight, but promise me I can see her again. Sometime. Any time. Even if it's just once and only for a couple minutes. I just need to tell her I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: Kevin?

Kevin McCallister: Mom?

[Turns back to the tree]

Kevin McCallister: Wow, that worked fast.

Kevin McCallister: Mom, I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: I'm sorry, too.

[She laughs, he smiles as they hug]

Kevin McCallister: Merry Christmas, Mom.

Kate McCallister: Merry Christmas, sweetheart

[to herself]

Kate McCallister: Oh, thank you.

[to Kevin]

Kate McCallister: Come on.

Kevin McCallister: How'd you know I was here.

Kate McCallister: Well, I knew you and Christmas trees, and this is the biggest one around.

Kevin McCallister: Where's everybody else?

Kate McCallister: They're at the hotel. They didn't like palm trees, either.

Buzz McCallister: [looking at the Chistmas tree] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

[turns around to face the family]

Buzz McCallister: I'd like to apologize to my family for whatever displeasure I may have caused you...

Kevin McCallister: What?

Buzz McCallister: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Uncle Frank McCallister: Immature or not, it was pretty gol-darn hilarious.

[laughs while everyone else glares]

Buzz McCallister: I'd also like to apologize to my brother. Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: [counting passports] 11, 12, 13... Where's Kevin?

Kevin McCallister: [appears in front seat and takes the last passport] Fourteen. It's a good thing I have my own ticket just in case you guys try to ditch me.

Harry: [while Harry and Marv are robbing Duncan's Toy Chest, Kevin takes their picture] He took our picture!

Marv: How'd my hair look?

Harry: Hey Marv, crow bars up.

[they clink their crow bars together]

Marv: [stealing money from Duncan's Toy Chest] This is more money than I can even count.

Harry: I don't know why we wasted so much time robbing private homes.

Marv: [stuffing the bag with cash] The amazing thing is: we're fugitives from the law, we're up to our elbows in cash, and there's nobody that even knows about it.

[Kevin taps on the window and waves]

Harry: He's back!

Harry: What store is going to make the most cash on Christmas Eve that nobody's gonna think to rob?

Marv: Candy stores!

Harry: Nine year-olds rob candy stores, Marv. This is what I had in mind.

[shows him an ad for Duncan's Toy Chest]

Marv: That's brilliant, Harry. Brilliant.

Harry: Yep. There's nobody dumb enough to knock off a toy store on Christmas Eve.

Marv: Oh yes, there is.

[Points to Harry, then points to self]

Harry: Sonny!

Kevin McCallister: Yes?

Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin McCallister: Oh no. My family is in Florida, and I'm in New York...

[Gleefully]

Kevin McCallister: My family's in Florida... I'm in... New York?

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: I do hope your father understands that last night I was simply checking the room to make sure everything was in order.

Kevin McCallister: Well he was pretty mad.

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: He was?

Kevin McCallister: He said he didn't come all the way to New York to get his naked rear end spied on.

Concierge: Cedric.

Bellman: Yes?

Concierge: Don't count your tips in public.

Buzz McCallister: Okay, everybody, calm down! Calm down! Hey, hey! All right, now, if Kevin hadn't have screwed up in the first place again... Then we wouldn't be in this most perfect and huge hotel room with a truck load of all this free stuff. So I think it only fair that Kevin get to open up the first present. And then I'll go, and the rest of you, and so on.

[Tosses a package to Kevin]

Buzz McCallister: Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks, Buzz.

Peter McCallister: [the entire family applauds] Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Uncle Frank McCallister: Okaaay, Kevin! All right. Merry Christmas!

Buzz McCallister: Okay enough of this gooey sh... Show of emotion. All right, everyone, let's dig in!

Mrs. Stone, Desk Clerk: I'm confused.

Kevin McCallister: I'm traveling with my dad. He's at a meeting. I hate meetings. Plus I'm not allowed to go in. I can only sit in the lobby. That's boring. So he dropped me off here. He gave me his credit card and told me to give this to whoever was welcoming people in so I won't get into mischief. And ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief. We all do!

Concierge: And how are we this morning?

Kevin McCallister: Fine. Is my transportation here?

Concierge: Out in front, sir. A limousine and a... pi-zza! Compliments of the Plaza Hotel.

Kate McCallister: Honey, are you packed yet?

Kevin McCallister: [records into Talk Boy] Yes.

Talk Boy: [plays back] Yes.

Kate McCallister: Everything I put out for you?

Kevin McCallister: [records into Talk Boy] Yes.

Talk Boy: [plays back] Yes.

Kate McCallister: Oh, did you see what Grandma Penelope sent you for the trip?

Kevin McCallister: Um, let me guess... Donald Duck slippers?

Kate McCallister: Close. An inflatable clown to play with in the pool.

Kevin McCallister: [sarcastically] How exciting.

Kevin McCallister: Why do we have to go to Florida? There's no Christmas trees in Florida.

Kate McCallister: Kevin, what is it with you and Christmas trees?

Kevin McCallister: How could you have Christmas without a Christmas tree, Mom?

Kate McCallister: Well... Find a nice, fake silver one. Or decorate a palm tree.

[in the basement, Marv built a tower out of assorted items]

Harry: Marv, are you sure this is safe?

Marv: Oh yes. I've worked all the kinks out. Solid as a rock.

[They climb up. Seconds later, it all comes crashing down]

Harry: Like a rock, huh, Marv?

Marv: He made us hide out in the store so we could steal all the kiddies' charity money.

Harry: [Kicks Marv] Shut up, Marv! You got the right to remain silent, you know.

Marv: He's a little cranky. We just broke out of prison a few days ago.

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up, Marv! Geez.

Policeman: Get'em outta here.

Marv: Remember, if this makes the papers, we're no longer the Wet Bandits, we're the Sticky Bandits!

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!

Marv: That's S...

Harry: [Kicks Marv again] Shut up!

Marv: ...T...

[Gets kicked again]

Marv: Ummm...

Harry: I.

Marv: ...I...

Marv: Let's kill!

Harry: Hold on, peabrain. We got busted last time because we underestimated that little bundle of misery.

Marv: This ain't like the last time. This ain't his house. The kid's running scared. He ain't got a plan.

Harry: May I do the thinking, please?

[Kevin walks in on Frank singing in the shower and frank sees him]

Uncle Frank McCallister: Get outta here, you nosey little pervert, or I'm gonna slap you silly!

[Kevin runs away and Frank continues singing]

Uncle Frank McCallister: Ohhh, you're cooookin', Frankie!

Harry: [Harry and Marv have captured Kevin outside the Plaza Hotel] We spent nine months in jail, thinking we had the worst luck in the universe. We were wrong, little buddy.

Marv: We're busted out of the clink and we're doing fine. We're going to be doing even better. Because we're not robbing houses anymore. Now we're robbing toy stores. At midnight tonight, we're hitting Duncan's Toy Chest. Five floors of cash. Then after that we get a couple of phony passports then it's off to Rio...

Harry: Marv! Marv! You want to shut up?

Marv: What's the difference? He's not going to talk to anyone. Except maybe a fish. Or the undertaker.

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, but this is an emergency. What city is it out there?

NY Ticket Agent: It's New York, sir.

Kevin McCallister: [Gasps] Yikes, I did it again.

NY Ticket Agent: Something's wrong, sir?

Kevin McCallister: [in shocked whisper] I'll be fine...

Gangster: [on a video playing on a TV in another room in Kevin's hotel suite] I'm going to give you to the count of three to get your lousy, lyin', low-down, four-flushing carcass out my door!

[unaware they're only listening to a video, the terrified Concierge and his little group of staff run to the door]

Gangster: One... two...

[the gangster opens fire with his Tommy gun, blasting out dozens of rounds. The Concierge and the others jump out of Kevin's room and take cover, face down, on the floor in the corridor. Other hotel guests step out of their rooms, wondering what's going on]

Gangster: Three. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.

[watching, Kevin mouths the gangster's words. The gangster fires another salvo of bullets]

Gangster: And a Happy New Year.

[the gangster fires one last bullet]

Concierge: [crawling across the floor like a seal] Stay in your rooms! This is an emergency! There's an insane guest with a gun!

[Harry readies to send Kevin to meet his maker once and for all]

Harry: [leveling his gun at Kevin] I never made it to the sixth grade, kid. And it doesn't look like you're gonna, either.

[Marv stands in the doorway of the under re-construction brownhouse, in front of a big hole in the floor]

Marv: Harry, I've reached the top!

[Marv steps forward and falls through the hole to the very bottom of the house, in the basement]

Marv: [Kevin reaches the entrance to the park, but slips on the ice - causing his vision to spin, as Harry and Marv appear over him] My, how the tables have turned.

Harry: How do you like the ice kid?

[Harry and Marv look at each other, they both laugh and pick Kevin up]

Harry: Let's go for a little stroll in the park.

Cop in Times Square: Look, put yourself in your kid's shoes. Where would you go? What would you do?

Kate McCallister: I'd probably be lying dead in a gutter somewhere... but not Kevin, Kevin is so much stronger and braver than I am. But he's still a kid lost in a big city, he doesn't deserve that. He should be at home with his family around his Christmas tree... oh my God, I know where he is, I need to get to Rockefeller Center immediately.

Sleeping Man: Watch it, kid!

[laughs manically]

Kevin McCallister: I won't forget to remember you.

Bird Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.

Peter McCallister: I don't think that it's a good idea for you to be running all over New York all by yourself.

Kate McCallister: I think that if our son can do it, I can do it.

Peter McCallister: Kate, it...

Kate McCallister: Peter, I'll be fine. The way I'm feeling right now, no mugger or murderer would dare mess with me.

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Madam, there are hundreds of parasites out there, armed to the teeth...

[Kate slaps him]

Mr. Hector, Hotel Concierge: Do bundle up, it's awfully cold outside.

[starts to cry]

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.

Kevin McCallister: Yeah!

Harry: Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.

Kevin McCallister: You promise?

Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin McCallister: Okay.

Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me.

[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]

Kevin McCallister: Direct hit!

Harry: [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?

Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.

Harry: [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.

[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]

Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.

Marv: Harry, no.

[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]

Harry: You got anymore?

[to Marv]

Harry: C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.

[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]

Harry: What?

[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]

Harry: That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.

[to Marv]

Harry: C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.

Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

[in the basement, looking up at the hole he fell through]

Marv: Wow! What a hole!

Bird Lady: The man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. When the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.

Kevin McCallister: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.

Bird Lady: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. Sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.

Kevin McCallister: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. People don't mean to forget. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.

Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.

Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.

Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.

Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.

Bird Lady: Little truth in there somewhere.

Kevin McCallister: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn't gone. If it was gone, you wouldn't be so nice.

Bird Lady: Thank you. Do you know it's been a couple of years since I've talked to anybody?

Kevin McCallister: That's okay. You're good at it. You're not boring. You don't mumble or spit. You should do it more often. Just wear an outfit with no pigeon poop on it.

Bird Lady: I have been working very hard at keeping people away.

Kevin McCallister: I don't care how much people bug me, I'd rather be with someone than alone.

Bird Lady: So what are you doing alone on Christmas Eve? You did something wrong?

Kevin McCallister: A lot of things.

Bird Lady: Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?

Kevin McCallister: It's late. I don't know if I'll have enough time to do enough good deeds to erase all my bad ones.

Bird Lady: It's Christmas Eve. Good deeds count extra tonight. Think of an important thing you can do for others, and go do it. Just follow the star in your heart.

Kevin McCallister: Okay... It's getting pretty late. I'd better get going. If I don't see you, I hope everything turns out okay.

Bird Lady: Thank you.

Kevin McCallister: Tell the birds I said goodbye.

Bird Lady: I will.

Kevin McCallister: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won't forget to remember you.

Bird Lady: Don't make promises you can't keep.

[Kevin walks outside to see a white limousine parked in front of the Plaza Hotel]

Cedrick the Bellman: [opening a box] Mr. McCallister, here's your very own... cheese pizza.

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, where's the lobby?

Donald Trump: Down the hall and to the left.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks.

[Kevin looks out a window of the Plaza Hotel and sees a shining star on the top of a building as a choir sings "Christmas Star" in the background]

Kevin McCallister: Good night, Mom.

Kate McCallister: [looking out a window of the hotel in Florida, where it's raining] Good night, Kevin.

Marv: You may have won the battle, little dude, but you lost the war.

Harry: You shouldn't have messed with us, pal. We're dangerous.

[draws his gun]

Kevin McCallister: Excuse me, sir?

Donald Trump: Yes?

Kevin McCallister: Where is the lobby?

Donald Trump: Down the hall, to the left.

Kevin McCallister: Thanks.

Brooke McCallister: [passing Kevin's bag back down the line] Kevin's not here.

Jeff McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Megan McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Sondra McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Rod McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Linnie McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Tracy McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Aunt Leslie McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Kate McCallister: Kevin's not here.

Peter McCallister: WHAT?

Kate McCallister: [laughing, then surprised] KEVIN!

[faints]

Hotel Operator: Plaza hotel reservations. May I help you?

Kevin McCallister: [using a tape recorder in a low voice] How do you do? This is Peter McCallister the father.

Hotel Operator: Yes, sir.

Kevin McCallister: I'd like a hotel room please...

Hotel Operator: Yes.

Kevin McCallister: ...with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key.

Hotel Operator: Yes, sir. You'll need a major credit card upon check in.

Kevin McCallister: Credit card? You got it.

Hotel Operator: Thank you. Enjoy your stay.

Buzz McCallister: All right, enough gooey sh...

[the family stares at him]

Buzz McCallister: show of emotion! Let's dig in!

[in the limousine Kevin watches the cartoon "How the Grinch Stole Christmas!". As the Grinch smiles a huge, evil smile, the picture fades into the Concierge smiling a rather similar smile as the machine he is using to check Kevin's credit card reads "STOLEN"]

Concierge: Bingo.

[a ceiling light above him lights up]

[Marv and Harry are climbing down a rope to get to Kevin]

Marv: [sniffing] Harry? You wearin' aftershave?

Harry: That's not aftershave, that's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it!

Marv: [chuckles] WHO would want to soak a rope in kerosene?

[Kevin strikes a match]

Kevin McCallister: Merry Christmas!

Harry: [screams] GO UP!

Kevin McCallister: [to himself] You're all a bunch of jerks.

Kate McCallister: [Coming into the room] Hi. You know, Kevin, the last time we all tried to take a trip, we had a problem that started just like this.

Kevin McCallister: Yeah, with me getting crapped on.

Kate McCallister: I don't care for your choice of words. That is not what happened last time, that is not what is happening this time. Buzz apologized to you.

Kevin McCallister: [Sitting up, turning to face her] Yeah, then he called me a trout sniffer. He didn't mean what he said, he was just sucking up to you.

Kate McCallister: Okay. Why don't you sit up here for awhile and think things over. When you're ready to apologize to Buzz and to the rest of your family, then come down.

[She turns to leave]

Kevin McCallister: I'm not apologizing to Buzz! I'd rather kiss a toilet seat.

Kate McCallister: Then you can sit up her for the rest of the night.

Kevin McCallister: Fine. I don't wanna be down there anyway. I can't trust anyone in this family and do you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation, alone, without any of you guys and I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kate McCallister: Well, you got your wish last year. Maybe you'll get it again this year.

Kevin McCallister: I hope so.

[Kate turns around and leaves]

Buzz McCallister: [to himself] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

[Turns to face his family]

Buzz McCallister: I'd like to apologize to my family for any inconvenience I may have caused you.

Kevin McCallister: [to himself, in disbelief] What?

Buzz McCallister: My prank was immature and ill-timed.

Uncle Frank McCallister: [laughing] Immature, but it was still pretty Goddarn hilarious.

[Continues laughing]

Buzz McCallister: I'd also like to apologize to my brother: Kevin, I'm sorry.

Kate McCallister: Oh, Buzz, that was very nice.

[the family claps]

Kate McCallister: Kevin, do you have something to say?

Kevin McCallister: [Looking around at his family, staring at him with judging expressions]

Buzz McCallister: [Softly to Kevin] Beat that, you little trout sniffer.

Kevin McCallister: I'm not sorry. I did what I did because Buzz humiliated me. And since he gets away with everything, I'll let him have it. And since you're all so stupid to believe his lies, I don't care if you're idiotic Florida trip gets wrecked or not. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?

[Starts to walk away, angry]

Kate McCallister: Kevin!

Peter McCallister: Kevin, you walk outta here and you'll sleep on the 3rd floor.

Fuller McCallister: [In a bratty manner] Yeah, with me.

[Takes a sip from his Coke can]

Kevin McCallister: [Sarcastically] So, what else is new?

Uncle Frank McCallister: You better not wreck my trip, you little sourpuss. Your Dad's paying good money for it.

Kevin McCallister: Oh, wouldn't want to spoil you're fun, Mr. Cheapskate.

[Leaves the room, leaving the family in shock]

Buzz McCallister: [In a kiss-up tone] What a troubled young man.

Kate McCallister: [Knocking on Cop's car window, shows him a picture of Kevin] I'm looking for my son. Have you seen my son? He's... there. He's been missing for 2 days.

Cop in Times Square: Well, have you filed a report, Ma'am?

Kate McCallister: Yes. Of course, we have.

Cop in Times Square: [Handing her wallet back to her] Then trust us. We'll handle it.

Kate McCallister: But I'm his Mother.

Cop in Times Square: I realize that, Ma'am, but you're looking for a needle in a haystack.

Kate McCallister: Do you have kids?

Cop in Times Square: Yes, Ma'am.

Kate McCallister: And what would you do if one of them was missing?

Cop in Times Square: [Realizing her point] I'd probably be doing the same thing you're doing.

Kate McCallister: Thank you.

Cop in Times Square: Look, put yourself in your kid's shoes. Where would you go? What would you do?

Kate McCallister: Me? I'd probably be lying dead in the gutter somewhere. Oh, but not Kevin. Kevin is so much stronger and braver than I am and I know Kevin's fine, I know he is. But he's still all by himself in a big city and he doesn't deserve that. He deserves to be at home with his family, around his Christmas Tree.

[Realizes where Kevin might be]

Kate McCallister: Oh, dear God. I know where he is. I need to get to Rockefeller Center.

Cop in Times Square: [Smiles and happily obliges to give her a ride] Hop in.

Kate McCallister: Thank you.

[the Concierge is after Kevin. As he enters Kevin's suite with a group of hotel staff, Kevin switches on the bedroom TV and plays a video of an old gangster movie]

Gangster: Hold it right there!

[unaware it's only a video, the Concierge and the others stop right in their tracks]

Concierge: This is the concierge, sir.

Gangster: I knew it was you. I could smell ya getting off the elevator!

[Marv bumps into an attractive female pedestrian. The sticky glove he's wearing sticks to her handbag and it takes him a bit of effort to wrench it off. She stares at him for an awkward moment]

Marv: [trying to be suave] Pardonne-moi, mon chéri.

[she gives him a good slap in the face and walks away]

Harry: Serves you right! Come on, let's go!

Marv: [touching his cheek with his sticky glove] I think she likes me.

[the glove sticks to his face and he has to rip it off]

Kate McCallister: [learning Kevin is in New York] He used your credit card to check into the Plaza Hotel.

Peter McCallister: Do they still have him?

Kate McCallister: [into the phone] Do they have him?

[getting a negative response, she shakes her head]

Peter McCallister: Damn it!

Kate McCallister: Okay, we're on the next flight out. Thank you.

[hanging up]

Kate McCallister: We're going to New York. Move it.

[elation from the family]

Kate McCallister: He ran away from the hotel when they questioned him about the card. He must be so scared, Peter.

Peter McCallister: I wonder if he'd know enough to go to my brother's place?

Kate McCallister: Aren't they in Paris?

Peter McCallister: Maybe they have a housesitter.

Kate McCallister: I thought you said they were renovating.

Harry: I've got a gun in my pocket. You open your mouth, and you'll be spitting gum out through your forehead.

[glancing at him and Marv and seeing they're not looking, Kevin reaches out and pinches the butt of the woman in front of them; as she turns around, it happens to be the woman who slapped Marv earlier, and her eyes widen in recognition]

Marv: [trying to be suave again] Well, hello.

[she punches him in the face and he falls over]

Kevin McCallister: [indicating Harry] He did it!

Harry: Did what?

Kevin McCallister: [she punches Harry, too] Thanks!

Marv: Ha! Round-trip to Miami. What's the matter, get on the wrong plane, squirt?

Harry: [ripping up Kevin's ticket] Looks like you won't be needing this, kid.

Marv: American don't fly to the promised land, little buddy.

Peter McCallister: I'm gonna go down to the police station. I want to make sure that they're doing everything in their power to find Kevin. I want you to stay here with Frank, Leslie, and the kids.

Kate McCallister: No. I'm going out to look for him.

Peter McCallister: What?

Concierge: With all due respect, madam, your son is lost in one of the biggest cities in the world.

Peter McCallister: Could you stay out of this, please?

Concierge: As you wish.

Marv: Come on. He went to the second floor.

Kevin McCallister: Hey! Why don't you guys try the stairs?

Marv: Right.

Harry: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't you remember what happened last year?

Marv: No.

Harry: Watch this. Let's get him!

[as he makes footstep sounds on the stairs, Kevin throws a tied-off paint can down]

Harry: [pretending to get hit] Oh! He busted me right in my mouth, Marv! That's one.

Marv: Don't worry, Harry! I'll get him!

[he does the same thing, with Kevin throwing another paint can]

Marv: Ow! Right in the schnozz!

Harry: That's two. Come on, let's get him.

Marv: [as they run up the stairs, Kevin heaves a large pipe down] Oops.

[the force of getting hit knocks them down into the basement]

Marv: That's... three.

Harry: [Kevin cuts the pipe loose, which he sees is about to land on them] No.

Marv: That's... four.