-
Auctioneer: What country are you from?
Josephus: Ethiopia.
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street!
-
Count de Monet: Don't get saucy with me, Bearnaise!
-
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus: *Grumble*...
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Comicus: Yes!
-
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
-
[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI: What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
-
[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
-
Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
Jacques: None!
Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official: What is your last request?
Jacques: Novocaine!
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!
-
King Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!
-
Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
-
Count de Monet: Where is the King?
Gerard: Playing chess.
Bearnaise: Chess! I hate chess!
-
Bearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
Count de Monet: Yes?
Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.
Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...
-
Empress Nympho: Bob?
Bob: Yes, Your Highness?
Empress Nympho: Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
-
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
-
Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
-
Swiftus: Oh, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts!
-
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
-
Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
-
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
-
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.
-
Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
-
Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
-
[Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
-
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
-
Plumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!
-
Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
-
Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
-
Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
-
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: No.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
-
Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!
-
Narrator: See: Hitler on Ice!
-
Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
-
Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
-
Emperor Nero: Here, wash this!
-
King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
-
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet: At least I have them!
Bearnaise: Bitch!
-
Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
-
Marcus Vindictus: ...There he is! Seize him!
Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus: [confidentially] NO! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus: Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus: Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[onlookers raise their hands]
Marcus Vindictus: Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker: Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus: No. You?
1st Onlooker: Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus: Wrong. You?
2nd Onlooker: Crucifixion!
3rd Onlooker: They shove a living snake up your ass!
Marcus Vindictus: Uh, no. But that's very creative.
-
King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
-
Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
-
Judas: No, No! Leave us alone!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: Jesus!
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: What?
Jesus: What?
Comicus: You said what.
Jesus: Yes?
Comicus: Nothing.
-
Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
-
Jaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!
-
Josephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*
-
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
-
Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.
-
King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
-
Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France...
Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.
Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
-
Comicus: I'm fighting with cardboard!
-
Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
-
Chemist: What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!
Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
-
Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
-
King Louis XVI: It's good to be the king.
-
[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
-
[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus: Hmm.
-
Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?
Emperor Nero: SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
-
[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus: Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
-
Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome!
Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]
-
Count de Monet: [to the piss boy] Wait for the shake!
-
[hawking in the Forum]
Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
-
Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier: What?
Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!
-
Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
-
Marcus Vindictus: The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
-
Chief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything!
-
Marcus Vindictus: Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
-
Marcus Vindictus: [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection] The jig is up!
Josephus: And gone!
-
Jacques: [about to be executed in Louis's place] Please, please believe me, I'm not the king!
Crowd: BULLSHIT!
Jacques: This is a very hard crowd!
-
Bob: Move that miserable piece of SHIT!
-
Josephus: You're the first white person I even *considered* liking.
-
Entrepreneur - The Roman Empire: I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.
-
Soothsayer - The Roman Empire: Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here. I can tell the future. You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas, I can tell you your future. Yes, yes, I see... I see... I see that you are going on a long journey. Yes. You, sir, are going to Rome.
Roman Citizen - The Roman Empire: But I am in Rome.
Soothsayer - The Roman Empire: Do I lie? Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!
History of the World: Part I Quotes
Extended Reading
Director: Mel Brooks
Language: English,Latin,French Release date: June 12, 1981