His Girl Friday Quotes

Sheriff Hartwell: Please don't call me 'Pinky'.

Murphy: Why not?

Sheriff Hartwell: Because I got a name, see... and it's Peter B. Hartwell.

McCue, reporter: What's the "B" for?

Murphy: Bull.

Walter Burns: There's been a lamp burning in the window for ya, honey... here.

Hildy Johnson: Oh, I jumped out that window a long time ago.

Walter Burns: What do you think I am, a crook?

Hildy Johnson: Yes.

Hildy Johnson: [speaking on the phone to Bruce] There's an old newspaper superstition that the first big check you get, you put in the lining of your hat. In your hat! It brings good luck.

Murphy: I've been a reporter for 20 years - I never heard that before.

Hildy Johnson: [to Murphy] Neither did I.

Wilson, reporter: Any dope on how he escaped?

McCue, reporter: Maybe the sheriff let him out so Williams could vote for him.

Bruce Baldwin: [Speaking of Walter] You know, Hildy, he's not such a bad fellow.

Hildy Johnson: No, he should make some girl real happy.

Bruce Baldwin: Uh-huh.

Hildy Johnson: [Under her breath] Slap-happy.

Bruce Baldwin: He's not the man for you. I can see that. But I sort of like him. He's got a lot of charm.

Hildy Johnson: Well, he comes by it naturally - his grandfather was a snake.

Walter Burns: Bruce, I, uh... let me get this straight. I must have misunderstood you. You mean you're taking the sleeper today and then getting married tomorrow?

Bruce Baldwin: Oh, well, it's not like that.

Walter Burns: Well, what's it like?

Hildy Johnson: Poor Walter. He'll toss and turn all night. Perhaps we better tell him Mother's coming along, too.

Walter Burns: [to Hildy] Mother? Why, your mother kicked the bucket!

Bruce Baldwin: No, my mother - my mother.

Walter Burns: Oh, your mother. Oh, well, that relieves my mind.

Hildy Johnson: [to Walter] It was cruel of us to let you suffer that way.

[to Bruce]

Hildy Johnson: Isn't Walter sweet? Always wanting to protect me.

Hildy Johnson: I suppose I proposed to you?

Walter Burns: Well, you practically did, making goo-goo eyes at me for two years until I broke down.

[impersonates Hildy, flutters his eyelashes]

Walter Burns: "Oh, Walter." And I still claim I was tight the night I proposed to you. If you had been a gentleman, you would have forgotten all about it. But not you!

Hildy Johnson: [hurls her purse at him] Why, you! !...

Walter Burns: [ducks and her purse barely misses him] You're losing your eye. You used to be able to pitch better than that.

Walter Burns: [on the phone] Well, Butch, where are you?... Well, what are you doing there? Haven't you even started?... Listen, it's a matter of life and death!... Well, you can't stop for a dame now! I don't care if you've been after her for six years. Butch - our whole lives are at stake! Are you going to let a woman come between us after all we've been through?... Butch, I'd put my arm in fire for you, up to here. Now you can't double-cross me... Put her on, I'll talk to her.

[talking to the woman]

Walter Burns: Oh, good evening, madam. Now listen, you ten-cent glamour girl. You can't keep Butch away from his duty!... What's that?... You say that again, I'll come over there and kick you in the teeth!... Say, what kind of language is that? Now look here you. -

[makes a noise like a horse, hangs up]

Walter Burns: She hung up! What did I say?

Hildy Johnson: All I know is that instead of two weeks in Atlantic City with my bridegroom, I spent two weeks in a coal mine with John Krupsky. You don't deny that, do you Walter?

Walter Burns: Deny it? I'm proud of it. We beat the whole country on that story.

Hildy Johnson: [shouting] Well, suppose we did. That isn't what I got married for!

Walter Burns: Look, Hildy, I only acted like any husband that didn't want to see his home broken up.

Hildy Johnson: What home?

Walter Burns: "What home"? Don't you remember the home I promised you?

Hildy Johnson: [speaking of her fiance] He forgets the office when he's with me. He doesn't treat me like an errand boy, either, Walter. He treats me like a woman.

Walter Burns: Oh he does, does he? Mm-hmm... how did I treat you? Like a water buffalo?

Hildy Johnson: [speaking to Walter on the phone] Did you hear that? That's the story I just wrote. Yes, yes, I know we had a bargain. I just said I'd write it, I didn't say I wouldn't tear it up! It's all in little pieces now, Walter, and I hope to do the same for you some day!

[hangs up emphatically]

Hildy Johnson: [to the other reporters] And that, my friends, is my farewell to the newspaper game.

Walter Burns: Sorta wish you hadn't done that, Hildy.

Hildy Johnson: Done what?

Walter Burns: Divorced me. Makes a fella lose all faith in himself. Gives him a... almost gives him a feeling he wasn't wanted.

Hildy Johnson: Oh, now look, junior... that's what divorces are FOR!

Walter Burns: Well well... how long is it?

Hildy Johnson: How long is what?

Walter Burns: You know what... how long is it since we've seen each other?

Walter Burns: Let's see this paragon! Is he as good as you say?

Hildy Johnson: Why, he's better!

Walter Burns: Well then, what does he want with you?

Hildy Johnson: Ah-ha-ha, now you got me!

Hildy Johnson: Walter!

Walter Burns: What?

Hildy Johnson: The mayor's first wife, what was her name?

Walter Burns: You mean the one with the wart on her?

Hildy Johnson: Right.

Walter Burns: Fanny!

Louis: What's the matter, Hildy?

Hildy Johnson: Don't give me that innocent stuff! What did you pull on Mr. Baldwin THIS time?

Louis: Who, me?

Hildy Johnson: Yes, you and that albino of yours!

Louis: You talkin' about Evangeline?

Hildy Johnson: None other!

Louis: She ain't no albino.

Hildy Johnson: She'll do till one comes along!

Louis: She was born right here in this country!

Sheriff Hartwell: Aiding an escaped criminal and a little charge of kidnapping.

Fred, the Mayor: Well, looks like about ten years a piece for you two birds.

Walter Burns: Does it?

[unimpressed]

Hildy Johnson: If you think you've got The Morning Post licked it's time for you to get out of town.

Fred, the Mayor: Whistling in the dark. Well that isn't going to help you this time. You're through.

Walter Burns: Listen the last man that said that to me was Archie Leach just a week before he cut his throat.

Walter Burns: What were you when you came here five years ago - a little college girl from a school of journalism. I took a doll-faced hick...

Hildy Johnson: Well, you wouldn't take me if I hadn't been doll-faced.

Walter Burns: Well, why should I? I thought it would be a novelty to have a face around here a man could look at without shuddering.

[Joe brings a reprieve for Earl Williams from the governor]

Fred, the Mayor: Who else was there when he gave you this?

Joe Pettibone: Nobody. He was out fishing.

Fred, the Mayor: [to Sheriff Hartwell] Get the Governor on the phone.

Joe Pettibone: No, he's not there. He's out duck shooting.

Fred, the Mayor: The blasted nimrod... fishing, duck shooting! A guy who's done nothing for the last forty years but play pinochle gets elected governor and right away he thinks he's a Tarzan!

Walter Burns: You've got the brain of a pancake. This isn't just a story you're covering - it's a revolution. This is the greatest yarn in journalism since Livingstone discovered Stanley.

Hildy Johnson: It's the other way around.

Walter Burns: Oh, well, don't get technical at a time like this.

Walter Burns: We've been in worse jams than this, haven't we, Hildy?

Hildy Johnson: Nope.

Walter Burns: Hey, Duffy, listen. Is there any way we can stop the 4:00 train to Albany from leaving town?

Duffy - Copy Editor: We might dynamite it.

Walter Burns: Could we?

[describing Bruce]

Walter Burns: He looks like that fellow in the movies - Ralph Bellamy.

Walter Burns: [On the phone with Duffy; Walter and Hildy are getting remarried and going to Niagara Falls on their honeymoon] What? A strike? What strike? Where? Albany? Well, I know it's on the way, Duffy, but I can't ask Hildy to...

Hildy Johnson: All right, we'll honeymoon in Albany.

Walter Burns: Okay, Duffy.

[to Hildy]

Walter Burns: Well, isn't that a coincidence, we're going to Albany! I wonder if Bruce can put us up.

Sanders: Where'd ya get the hat?

Hildy Johnson: Hey! I paid twelve bucks for that hat.

Bensinger: Are we invited to the wedding?

Hildy Johnson: Well, I might use you for a bridesmaid, Roy.

Bensinger: [speaking into a phone] Here's the situation on the eve on the hanging.

Murphy: [listening, picks up his phone] This is Murphy. More slop on the hanging.

Bensinger: A double guard has been thrown around the jail, municipal buildings, railroad terminals and elevated stations to prepare for the expected uprising of radicals at the hour of execution.

Murphy: Ready? The sheriff has just put 200 more relatives on the payroll to protect the city from the Red Army, which is leaving Moscow in a couple of minutes.

Endicott: Trouble is, when the real Red Menace shows up, the Sheriff will still be cryin' wolf.

Evangeline: What does he look like?

Walter Burns: He looks like that fellow in the movies. You know... Ralph Bellamy.

Hildy Johnson: Tell me, is the lord of the university in yet?

Ruth - Telephone Operator: Yes, he is.

Maisie - Telephone Operator: In a bad humor.

Ruth - Telephone Operator: Somebody must have stolen the Crown Jewels.

Maisie - Telephone Operator: Shall we announce you?

Hildy Johnson: Oh no, I'll blow my own horn.

Walter Burns: Did you see me in your dreams?

Hildy Johnson: Oh, no. Mama doesn't dream about you any more, Walter. You wouldn't know the old girl now.

Walter Burns: Oh, yes I would. I'd know you anytime...

Walter Burns, Hildy Johnson: Any place...

Hildy Johnson: Anywhere. Aw, you're repeating yourself, Walter. That's the speech you made the night you proposed.

Walter Burns: Yes, I notice you still remember.

Hildy Johnson: Of course, I remember it. If I didn't remember it I wouldn't have divorced you.

Hildy Johnson: Now, listen, Walter, you are no longer my husband and no longer my boss. And you're not going to be my boss!

Walter Burns: What's that supposed to mean?

Hildy Johnson: Just what I say.

Walter Burns: You mean you're not coming back to work on the paper?

Hildy Johnson: You are right, Mr. Burns, for the first time today.

Walter Burns: Oh, got a better offer, huh?

Hildy Johnson: You bet I got a better offer.

Hildy Johnson: The paper's gonna have to get along without me. So are you! It just didn't work out, Walter.

Walter Burns: Well, it would have worked out if you had been satisfied with just being editor and reporter; but, not you, you had to marry me! Spoil everything.

Walter Burns: Look, darling, this will bring us back together again. Just the way we used to be.

Hildy Johnson: That's just what I'm afraid of! "Any time, any place, anywhere."

Walter Burns: Don't mock me. This is bigger than anything that ever happened to us. Don't do it for me. Do it for the paper!

Hildy Johnson: Scram, Svengali!

Walter Burns: You can get married all you want, Hildy, but you can't quit the newspaper business.

Hildy Johnson: Well, why not?

Walter Burns: I know you, Hildy. I know what quitting would mean to you!

Hildy Johnson: What would it mean?

Walter Burns: It would kill ya!

Hildy Johnson: You can't sell me that, Walter Burns.

Walter Burns: Who says I can't? You're a newspaper man!

Hildy Johnson: That's why I'm quitting! I want to go someplace where I can be a woman.

Walter Burns: Traitor!

Hildy Johnson: A traitor? A traitor to what?

Walter Burns: A traitor to journalism! You're a journalist, Hildy!

Hildy Johnson: A journalist? Now, what does that mean? Peeking through keyholes, chasing after fire engines, waking people up in the middle of the night and ask them if Hitler's gonna start another war, stealing pictures off old ladies? I know all about reporters, Walter. A lot of daffy buttinskies runnin' around without a nickel in their pocket and for what? So, a million hired girls and motorman's wives will know what's going on?

Hildy Johnson: He's kind and he's sweet and he's considerate. He wants a home and children.

Walter Burns: Sounds more like a guy I ought to marry.

Walter Burns: What's his name?

Hildy Johnson: Baldwin. Bruce Baldwin.

Walter Burns: Baldwin. Baldwin. Baldwin. Oh, I knew a Baldwin once. A horse thief in Mississippi. He couldn't be the same fellow, could he?

Hildy Johnson: You're not talking about the man I'm marrying tomorrow.

Walter Burns: Well, Bruce, you see, I thought... You don't mind if I call you Bruce, do you? After all, we're practically related.

Bruce Baldwin: Oh, not at all.

Walter Burns: You see, my wife, that is, your wife, I mean, Hildy, oh Hildy, you led me to expect you were marrying a much older man.

Hildy Johnson: Oh, really? What did I say that led you to expect that...

Walter Burns: Oh, don't worry about it. I realize that you didn't mean old in years.

Bruce Baldwin: Things have been different for me ever since I met Hildy. I've never met anyone quite like her before. Everybody else I've ever known, well, you could always tell ahead of time what they were going to say or do. But, Hildy's not like that. You can't tell that about her. And that's nice.

Walter Burns: Yes. Well, you're getting something else too, Bruce. You're getting a great newspaper man!

Hildy Johnson: No orchids, Walter.

Walter Burns: One of the best I ever knew. Sorry to see her go. Darn sorry, Hildy.

Walter Burns: It might have been a good idea if we - if I had taken a little insurance out.

Bruce Baldwin: Well, I honestly feel that way. I figure I'm in one business that really helps people. Of course, we don't help you much while you're alive. But, afterward! That's what counts.

Hildy Johnson: What is the lowdown on it?

Walter Burns: Oh, it's simple, honey. A poor little dope who lost his job and went berserk and shot a cop who was coming after him to quiet him down. And now they're going to hang him tomorrow.

Hildy Johnson: Oh, what a shame.

Bruce Baldwin: Your paper, you've been taking his side, haven't you?

Walter Burns: Mmm-hmm.

Bruce Baldwin: Well, if he was out of his mind when he did it, why doesn't the State just put him away?

Walter Burns: Because it happened to be a colored policeman. You know what that means, Hildy.

Hildy Johnson: Mmm-hmm. The colored votes very important in this town.

Walter Burns: Yeah, especially with an election coming up in three or four days.

Hildy Johnson: That Mayor, he'd hang his own grandmother to be reelected.

Hildy Johnson: You write the interview yourself. You're still a good reporter.

Walter Burns: Oh, Hildy, you know I can't write that kind of thing. It takes a woman's touch. It needs that heart...

Hildy Johnson: Now, don't get poetic, Walter. Get Sweeney. He's the best man you've got on the paper for that sob-sister stuff.

Walter Burns: Poor Sweeney. Duffy just told me his wife finally had twins. Isn't that terrible. Well, Sweeney went out to celebrate and now we can't find him any more. So, Sweeney has twins and Earl Williams gets hanged tomorrow.

Hildy Johnson: What an act! I just remembered. Sweeney was only married four months ago.

Walter Burns: All right, Hildy, you win. I'm licked.

Bruce Baldwin: Then, Mr. Sweeney didn't have twins?

Hildy Johnson: No, indeed. The twins were Walter's. All his.

Walter Burns: Oh, it was nothing.

Hildy Johnson: [Walter offers to buy a life insurance policy from Bruce] How long would it take to get him examined?

Bruce Baldwin: Why, I could get a company doctor here in 20 minutes.

Hildy Johnson: [Walter interrupts] You keep out of this. All right, Bruce, suppose you have Mr. Burns examined over in his office and see what they'll allow on that old carcass of his. If his...

Walter Burns: Say, I'm better than I ever was.

Hildy Johnson: It was never anything to brag about.

Hildy Johnson: By the way, I think you ought to make that a certified check.

Walter Burns: What do you think I am? A crook?

Hildy Johnson: Yes. No certified check, no story. Get me?

Walter Burns: It'll be certified. Want my fingerprints?

Hildy Johnson: No, thanks. I've still got those.

Hildy Johnson: I'm getting married tomorrow.

Bensinger: What, again? Are we invited to the wedding?

Hildy Johnson: Well, I might need you for a bridesmaid, Roy.

Endicott: That's what I'd like, a job on the side.

Murphy: A desk and a stenographer. I wouldn't mind a nice, big blonde.

Wilson, reporter: With big, brown eyes.

Hildy Johnson: Come on, Molly. Let's get outta here.

Molly Malloy: They ain't human!

Hildy Johnson: I know, they're newspapermen.

Molly Malloy: All they've been doin' is lyin'! All they've been doin' is rotten lies!

McCue, reporter: Pete, why can't you hang this guy at 5 o'clock instead of 7?

Bensinger: Sure, it won't hurt you and we can make the City Edition.

Sheriff Hartwell: Oh, well, now that's kind of raw, Roy. After all, I can't hang a man in his sleep just to please a newspaper.

McCue, reporter: What if this Egelhoffer finds Williams insane?

Sheriff Hartwell: Well, he won't find him insane; because he isn't! He's just as sane as I am.

McCue, reporter, Wilson, reporter, Bensinger, Endicott: Saner!

Bensinger: I don't think it's very ethical reading other people's stuff.

Endicott: Where do you get that ethics stuff? You're the only one who'll swipe any of it!

Hildy Johnson: The next time you see me, I shall be riding in a Rolls Royce giving interviews on success.

Murphy, McCue, reporter, Wilson, reporter, Bensinger, Endicott: Goodbye.

Hildy Johnson: So long, you wage slaves.

Murphy, McCue, reporter, Wilson, reporter, Bensinger, Endicott: Bye.

Hildy Johnson: Well, when you're climbing up fire escapes and getting kicked out of front doors and eating Christmas dinners at one-arm joints - don't forget your pal, Hildy Johnson.

Endicott: Is there any truth in the report that you're on Stalin's payroll?

McCue, reporter: Yeah, the Senator claims you sleep in Red underwear.

Fred, the Mayor: Never mind the jokes. Don't forget I'm the Mayor of this town!

Fred, the Mayor: Now, remember, you never delivered this.

Joe Pettibone: Yes, I did.

Fred, the Mayor: No, you didn't. You got caught in the traffic or something.

Joe Pettibone: No, I came around the...

Fred, the Mayor: Well, pretend you did. Now, get out of here and don't let anybody see you.

Louis: You better give me a receipt.

Hildy Johnson: I'll give you a scar.

Murphy: An old lady just called the Detective Bureau and claims Williams is hiding under her piazza.

McCue, reporter: Tell her to stand up.

Endicott: Well, we looked every other place.

Walter Burns: Louie, take the lady over to Polack Mike's.

Louis: My name's Louie Peluso.

[Picks up Bruce Baldwin's mother, carries her over his shoulder]

Walter Burns: Lock her up! See that she doesn't talk to anyone.

Hildy Johnson: You can't do this!

Louis: What'll I tell 'em?

Walter Burns: Tell 'em its a case of DTs.

Hildy Johnson: Don't worry Mother. This is only temporary!

Hildy Johnson: I covered your story for you and I got in a fine mess doing. Now, I'm getting out!

Walter Burns: You drooling idiot, what do you mean you're getting out?

Hildy Johnson: I - just what I said!

Walter Burns: There are 365 days in a year one can get mad. How many times have you got a murderer locked up in a desk? Once in a lifetime! Hildy, you got the whole city by the seat of the pants.

Walter Burns: Now, look Roy, I want you to hustle and write me a story from the point of view of the escaped man. He hides, cowering, afraid of every sound, of every light. He hears footsteps, his heart is going like that, and all the time they're closing in. Now, get the sense of the animal at bay.

Bensinger: Sort of Jack London style?

Walter Burns: Exactly.

Sheriff Hartwell: Now, look here Johnson, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. Are you going to talk or aren't you?

Hildy Johnson: Well, what do you want me to say?

Sheriff Hartwell: What do you know about Williams?

Hildy Johnson: What do you know about Williams?

Sheriff Hartwell: Now, we're getting somewh - All right, boys, take her outta here.

Sheriff Hartwell: Johnson, you're under arrest.

Hildy Johnson: Why?

Sheriff Hartwell: And you too, Burns!

Walter Burns: Who's under arrest? Listen you insignificant, square-toed, pimple-headed spy! You realize what you're doing?

Sheriff Hartwell: I'll show you what I'm doing. Burns you're obstructing justice and so is The Morning Post and I'm going to see that you're fined $10,000!