Hercules Quotes

Hercules: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone.

Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone.

Hercules: What do you mean?

Meg: Nobody can hurt you.

Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.

Pain: You mean, IF he gets outta there.

Panic: 'If.' If is good.

Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.

Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.

Hercules: Going once...

Hades: Is there a downside to this?

Hercules: Going twice...

Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.

[Hercules dives in to save Megara]

Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.

[a moment of silence occurs]

Hades: So this is an audience or a mosaic?

Meg: Is Wonder Boy here for real?

Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real.

[Phil gets a proper look at Meg]

Phil: Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks... I'm real, too!

Hercules: Uh, so how'd you get stuck with the...

Meg: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me, I'm yours."

[Hercules doesn't understand]

Meg: Don't worry, maybe Shorty here can explain it to ya.

[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot]

Phil: Hey, I'm *walkin'* here!

Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?

Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?

Panic, Pain: Oh, my Gods!

Pain: Run for it!

[Hades seizes them and chokes them]

Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?

Pain: This might be a different Hercules!

Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.

Pain: Remember like a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?

Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel who can louse it up... is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

Hercules: I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun!

Meg: Yeah, neither did I.

Hercules: Aren't you... a damsel in distress?

Meg: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hades: Zeusy, I'm home!

Zeus: Hades, you are behind THIS?

Hades: You are correct, sir!

Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?

Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.

Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest?

Hercules: Everybody's not like that.

Meg: Yes, they are.

Hercules: You're not like that.

Meg: How do you know what I'm like?

Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Hades: Pain!

Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.

Hades: Panic!

Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.

[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]

Pain: Pain - Ow!

Panic: And Panic - eechk!

Pain, Panic: ...reporting for duty!

Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.

Panic: Oh, they're here!

Hades: [shouting] WHAT? The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?

Pain, Panic: [grovel] We are worms!

[as they grovel, they turn into worms]

Pain, Panic: Worthless worms!

Hades: Memo to me, Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.

Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.

Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.

Phil: [sees Hercules bump his head on a relic] Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo!

Young Hercules: The Argo?

Phil: Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail, Cleopatra?

Phil: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.

Hercules: Really?

Phil: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.

[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules]

Fan Girl #1: There he is!

Fan Girl #2: I touched his elbow!

Fan Girl #1: I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND!

Hercules: [goes down] Phil... help!

Hades: Stirring performances, boys. I was really moved.

Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?

Pain: I was going for innocence.

Phil: Listen to me! She's...

Hercules: A dream come true?

Phil: Not exactly.

Hercules: More beautiful than Aphrodite?

Phil: Aside from that!

Hercules: The most wonderful...

Phil: She's a fraud! She's been playing ya' for a sap!

Hercules: Aw, come on. Stop kiddin' around.

Phil: I'm not kiddin' around.

Phil: I know your upset about today, but that's no reason to...

Phil: Kid, you're missin' the point.

Hercules: The point is I love her.

Phil: She don't love you.

Hercules: You're crazy.

Phil: She's nothing but a two-timin'...

Hercules: Stop it!

Phil: No good, lyin', schemin'...

Hercules: SHUT UP!

[hits Phil]

Hades: [to Hercules] You might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe you should... sit down!

[Hades knocks Hercules down with dumbbells]

Hades: Now you know how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?

Hercules: Meg, why did you... You didn't have to...

Meg: People do crazy things... when they're in love.

[singing about Hercules's fame and success]

Thalia: They slapped his face on every vase.

[Terpsichore hits her in the head]

Terpsichore: On every *vah*se.

Hercules: So what's in Thebes?

Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.

[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard]

Phil: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.

[the Hydra appears]

Hercules: Ph-Ph-Ph-Ph-Phil, what do you call that thing?

Phil: Two words:

[the Hydra shrieks]

Phil: [running away] Am-scray!

Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...

Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!

Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial, little tiny detail?

[Hades explodes into flames]

Hades: I OWN YOU!

Meg: Wonder Boy's fielding every curve ball you throw at him.

Hades: [simpers] Oh, yeah. Well, maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him, Meg my sweet.

Meg: Don't even go there.

Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for Pandora, it was the box thing. And for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? All we have to do is find out Wonder Boy's weakness.

Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...

Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.

Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.

Hades: Well, you know, that's good. Because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me, to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg?

Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

Hades: [hands her a Hercules urn] Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.

[Meg drops the urn]

Hades: I can't believe this guy! I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...

[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]

Hades: What... are... those?

Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing...

Hades: [slowly burns up] I've got 24 hours to get rid of this... bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and YOU ARE WEARING HIS MERCHANDISE?

[Hades hears a noise, and sees Panic slurping some "Herculade"]

Panic: [chuckles nervously] Thirsty?

[Hades screams, and blows up a volcano]

Titans: [freed from their prison] Crush Zeus! Freeze Zeus! Melt Zeus! And blow him away! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus!

Hades: Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

[points behind him]

[Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]

Phil: Will you forget the head-slicing thing?

Hercules: Pardon me. It seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.

Tall Thebian: Yeah? And who are you?

Hercules: I'm Hercules, and I happen to be... a hero.

[All laugh]

Elderly Thebian: Is that so? Have you ever saved a town before?

Hercules: Uh... no, not exactly. But...

Tall Thebian: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?

Hercules: Well... no.

Tall Thebian: Will you listen to this? He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.

Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do! / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a disappointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses, Thou-a-kid-a-Zeus's / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...

[Hit by lightning]

Phil: O-K.

Meg: Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?

Hercules: Oh gee, I don't know. Phil has the rest of the day pretty much booked.

Meg: Aw, Phil, Schmil. Just follow me, out the window, round the dumbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.

Hermes: My lord and lady, the Titans have escaped, and they're practically at our gates!

Zeus: Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go!

Hermes: Gone, babe.

Calliope: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules.

Thalia: Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules!" Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him.

Calliope: Our story actually begins long before Hercules was born, many eons ago.

Hades: Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...

[Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly]

Hades: Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke.

Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah! Work yourself to death!

[Everyone including Zeus starts to laugh]

Zeus: [sits on his throne] Oh, I kill myself!

Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.

[first lines]

Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...

Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.

Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude.

Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.

Narrator: You go, girl.

[Hermes gives a bouquet of flowers to Hera]

Hera; Hercules' Mother: Why, Hermes, they're lovely.

Hermes: Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty?

Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...

The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: Late.

The Fates: We knew you would be.

The Fates: We know everything.

The Fates: Past.

The Fates: Present.

The Fates: And future.

The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

Hades: Right, anyway ladies, I was at this party and I lost all track of ti...

The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: We know!

Hades: I KNOW, you know. Anyway, Zeus... Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud", now he has...

The Fates: A bouncing baby brat!

The Fates, The Fates, The Fates: WE KNOW!

Hades: I KNOW YOU KNOW! I got it, I got the concept!

Phil: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?

Young Hercules: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.

Phil: Call me Phil.

Phil: Rule number 95, kid: concentrate.

[Hercules misses the target and pins Phil against the wall with his knives]

Phil: Rule number 96: aim!

Hercules: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh...

Meg: Are you always this articulate?

Hercules: Hercules. My... my name is Hercules.

Meg: Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonder Boy.

Street Salesman: Hey, Mack...

[the Salesman opens his coat]

Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Street Salesman: You wanna buy a sundial?

Heavyset Woman: It was tragic. We lost everything in the fire.

Burnt Man: Everything except old Snowball here.

Tall Thebian: Now were the fires before or after the earthquake?

Earthquake Lady: They were after the earthquake, I remember.

Heavyset Woman: But before the flood.

Elderly Thebian: Don't even get me started on the crime rate!

Heavyset Woman: Thebes has certainly gone downhill in a hurry.

Elderly Thebian: Tell me about it! It seems like every time I turn around, there's some new monster wreakin' havoc and I...

Burnt Man: All we need now is a plague of locusts.

[a locust jumps on and chirps, everyone screams]

Elderly Thebian: That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta!

Burnt Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

Phil: Watch it, pal!

Tall Thebian: Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!

Phil: You... I got your heel! Right here!

[Phil head-butts the Tall Thebian]

Meg: Hercules! Thank goodness.

Hercules: Wha-Wha-What's wrong?

Meg: Oh! Outside of town. Two little boys! Th-They were playing in the gorge! Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped!

Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great!

Meg: You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?

[getting off of Pegasus after riding]

Meg: I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.

[seeing Hercules hiding from fans behind a curtain]

Meg: Let's see. What could be behind curtain number one?

[after Hercules is mobbed by fan girls]

Meg: It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

Phil: [running behind Hercules] I'm right behind ya, kid!

[Phil starts lagging after]

Phil: [panting] Whoo. I'm way behind ya, kid. I got a fur wedgie.

[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]

Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?

[Meg encounters a rabbit and a gopher in the woods]

Meg: Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents lookin' for a theme park.

Pain: [as rabbit] Who are you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny.

Panic: [as chipmunk] A-And I'm his gopher.

Zeus: Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years, is that the kind of "hello" you give your father?

Young Hercules: F-F-Father?

Zeus: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!

Young Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.

Phil: Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?

Young Hercules: Uh-huh.

Phil: [giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.

Phil: [mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.

Young Hercules: It's the truth.

Phil: Please.

The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.

Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.

The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.

The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!

Hades: YES! Hades rules!

The Fates: But a word of caution to this tale...

Hades: Excuse me?

The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

[they laugh and disappear]

Hades: WHAAAT?... Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.

Young Hercules: I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.

Phil: Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.

Young Hercules: Wait.

[Hercules rips out the door trying to open it]

Young Hercules: Uh, sorry. Why not?

Phil: Two words: I-am-retired.

Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the River Guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... River Guardian-less.

Meg: Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Phil: Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?

Hercules: Six?

Phil: Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.

Hades: Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?

Titans: Zeus!

Hades: And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?

Titans: Destroy him!

Hades: Good answer.

Zeus: I need more thunderbolts.

Hermes: Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured!

[Hermes is dragged away by Pain and Panic]

Hermes: *I've* been captured! Whoa. Hey, watch the glasses.

Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?

Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.

Panic: You can't... they're immortal?

Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.

Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?

Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?

Panic: [after catching the eye the Fates use to see] OH, Gross!

Pain: It blinked!

[Hercules and Phil get on Pegasus and fly off. Hercules is distracted thinking of Meg]

Phil: Hey, watch it!

[Pegasus dodges a branch]

Phil: [to the branch] Watch it!

[Phil turns Hercules' head]

Phil: . Keep your goo, goo eyes on the...

[Phil gets hit by another branch, causing him to fall off of Pegasus and hit his head on the ground]

Phil: [dizzy] That's it! Next time I drive...

[Phil faints]

Hades: Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me, you can't...

[Hercules punches Hades in the face]

Hades: Fine, okay, well I deserved that.

Meg: Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.

Phil: What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?

Meg: He won't listen to me.

Phil: Good! He's finally learned something.

Meg: Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.

Zeus: Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.

Hera; Hercules' Mother: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.

Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.

[after arriving at the market]

Amphitryon; Hercules Foster Father: Now, Hercules, this time, please just...

Young Hercules: I know, I know.

[catches Penelope as she falls from the sky]

Young Hercules: "Stay by the cart."

Amphitryon; Hercules Foster Father: [sighs in relief] That's my boy.

Hercules: Halt!

Nessus the River Centaur: Step aside, Two-Legs.

Hercules: Pardon me, my good, uh... uh... sir!

Hercules: See, Phil? That... that wasn't so hard.

[Hercules then collapses after freeing himself from the Hydra]

Hades: I'm sorry. You hear that sound? It's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever.

Meg: [coughs] I don't care. I'm not going to help you hurt him.

Hades: [sighs] I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy.

Meg: This one is different. He's honest, and he's sweet...

Hades: Please!

Meg: He would never do anything to hurt me.

Hades: He's a guy!

Meg: Besides, O Oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses. He's gonna...

Hades: I think he does, Meg. I truly think he does.

[envelops her in his arms]

Meg: What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed.

Hercules: There are worse things.

Phil: [to Hercules] Use your head!

[Hercules runs and hits the River Guardian with his head]

Phil: Not bad. Not what I meant, but not bad.

Hades: Brothers! Titans! Look at you, in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?

Titans: ZEUS!

Hades: [releases the Titans] And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?

Titans: DESTROY HIM!

Hades: Good answer.

Tall Thebian: That's Phil's boy!

[Hercules appears in the stars]

[the souls dragged Hades "down the drain" of the River Styx]

Hades: Taxi. Taxi. I-I don't feel so good, I feel a little... *flushed*!

Hercules: You were right, Phil. Dreams *are* for rookies.

Phil: No, no, no, no, no, kid! Giving up is for rookies!I came back because I'm not quitting on ya! I'm willing to go the distance. How about you?

Hera; Hercules' Mother: [seeing baby Hercules take one of Zeus' thunderbolts] Dear, keep those away from the baby.

Zeus: He won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun.

[Hercules chews on the thunderbolt. It electrocutes him. He throws it away in disgust. The gods dive out of the way of the thunderbolt. Athena whacks the thunderbolt with her sword. It hits a cloud column which immediately regenerates]