-
Mr. Jordan: He's been drugged by those two downstairs. This is a murder. See how he's slowly sliding into the water?
-
Former owner: He got my team. The son of a bitch got my team.
Advisor to former owner: What kind of pressure did he use, Milt?
Former owner: Well, I asked for sixty-seven million, and he said "okay."
Advisor to former owner: Ruthless bastard.
-
[Tony Abbott, after ushering the shreiking Mrs. Julia Farnsworth out of her husband's office, millionaire Mr. Farnsworth who is meeting with Miss Betty Logan, returns to the office and, from the doorway, says]
Tony Abbott: Sorry to disturb you, Mr. Farnsworth. Mrs. Farnsworth saw a mouse.
Betty Logan: She just saw a mouse?
Tony Abbott: No. Before. Outside. But she relives it.
-
Max Corkle: You be the trainer and I'll start on Sunday.
Joe Pendleton: I'm starting against Dallas? What about Jarrett?
Max Corkle: They don't want to go with Jarrett. They want to go with you. Happy Birthday, Joe!
-
Mr. Jordan: Joe, you must abide by what is written.
Joe Pendleton: She loves me, Mr. Jordan!
Mr. Jordan: Joe, you must abide by what is written.
-
Joe Pendleton: Do I... play Polo?
Sisk: Not really, sir.
-
Mr. Jordan: The likelihood of one individual being right increases in direct proportion to the intensity with which others are trying to prove him wrong.
-
Julia Farnsworth: You locked me in a closet!
-
Bentley: [On the landing of the elegant stairway, near the closet where Mr. Farnsworth/Joe Pendleton meets with Mr. Jordan, invisible to everyone but himself] I noticed there are two cups.
Everett: Well, Sisk felt that since Mr. Farnsworth was pretending to talk to someone, he might want to pretend to give him cocoa, too.
-
Max Corkle: [whilst training Pendleton in the spacious mansion grounds] Don't you understand? You're playing football with a bunch of butlers! We're in the Super Bowl. This isn't going to work!
Joe Pendleton: Don't worry about it. I fixed all that.
Max Corkle: How?
Joe Pendleton: I bought the Rams.
-
Joe Pendleton: I'm not supposed to be here.
-
Joe Pendleton: I'm not really Leo Farnsworth.
-
Newspaperman: Isn't it true that an accident in your west coast nuclear plant could stimulate seismic activity in the San Andreas fault, which could destroy most of southern California?
Tony Abbott: I think you'd have to define "destroy".
-
Joe Pendleton: We don't care how much it costs, do we? We just care how much it makes. And if it costs too much, we charge a penny more. We make it part of the game plan. Would you pay a penny to save a fish who thinks?
-
Betty Logan: I don't know you well enough for you to hurt me.
-
Head Coach: [watching Joe Pendleton during football practice] He's lookin' awful good.
-
Mr. Jordan: Haven't you learned the rules of probability and outcome? Aren't you aware that every question of life and death remains a probability until the outcome?
-
Joe Pendleton: It's alright. There's nothing to be afraid of.
-
Sisk: [recurring theme] And now for your hat, sir. Will you wish the homburg, or the bowler, sir? Perhaps something that makes a bit more of a statement.
Joe Pendleton: Uh... I... whatever you say. Sisk, why do you think I got so many of these sailor outfits?
Sisk: Well, sir, you have always fancied the sea.
Joe Pendleton: Uh-huh. Do I sail?
Sisk: Not really, sir.
-
Sisk: [offering a plethora of hats] Which hat would you prefer, sir?
Joe Pendleton: Oh, uh - Look, I don't want to wear a hat. I'm sick of hats. Don't show me any more hats, understand?
Sisk: [bewildered] Yes sir.
-
Joe Pendleton: Oh hey, by the way, I'm getting a divorce!
Betty Logan: [in disbelief] But you and your wife aren't even separated.
Joe Pendleton: Oh, sure we are. It's a big house!
-
Joe Pendleton: Abbott? Abbott? There's a trainer for the Rams named Max Corkle. Could you call lhim tomorrow and ask him to come over and see me?
Tony Abbott: [from behind the bedroom curtains after a long pause] Yes, Mr. Farnsworth.
Joe Pendleton: Thank you. Good night.
Julia Farnsworth: You idiot. You idiot! Why did you answer him?
Tony Abbott: I couldn't resist. His will is too strong.
-
Joe Pendleton: Now do you believe me, Max? Please say you believe me. Please? Max? They don't have a football team in Heaven, so God couldn't make me first string.
[to Mr. Jordan]
Joe Pendleton: He doesn't believe me, Mr. Jordan.
-
Tony Abbott: [to black teammate] Well, very very nice. Very very... impressive. I'm Tony Abbott, Mr. Farnsworth's personal private executive secretary. Very nice... very, very nice. Ah, don't let any of Mr. Farnsworth's racial statements offend you, for God's sake. Nice talking to you.
-
Betty Logan: You know, even when I was really trying to hate you, I couldn't help seeing something else. Something...
Joe Pendleton: What?
Betty Logan: ...In your eyes. Does that sound silly?
[Joe shakes his head]
Betty Logan: When you see something like that, it doesn't matter what a person looks like, or who they are, or anything.
-
Max Corkle: What's in this brown stuff?
Joe Pendleton: Oh, that's just mainly whipped liver.
Max Corkle: Liver?
Joe Pendleton: Yep. I put a little whey in it. And then I mix it up with a little alfalfa sprouts and some bean curd and I put some spinach mold in it too. It's nice, isn't it? It's a liver and whey shake.
-
Mr. Jordan: Life has a certain quality all its own, a certain feeling, and so do dreams. You know that this is not life. And you know now that this is not a dream. This is a place that comes after life and after dreams.
-
Tony Abbott: Pick up "The Fountainhead" and pretend you're reading.
-
Betty Logan: If you think you can treat women with the same manipulative contempt that your company treats citizens of communities of the world, you've a lot to learn about the strength and persistence of people like myself. So, don't think you're going to get away with this. Because you're not.
-
Tony Abbott: Darling, I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you go now. And please stop screaming. Darling, listen to me. There is nothing to be frightened of. There's plenty to be worried about, but nothing to be frightened of.
-
Julia Farnsworth: I think we should do it right away.
-
Joe Pendleton: We can porpoises?
-
Joe Pendleton: Let's be the team that makes the rules! Let us be the team that plays fair, gets the best contract. Let's be the popular players. We're just going to have to forget about all these nuclear power plants until we find out if they're safe. And that refinery in Pagglesham, we're just going to have to relocate it. Sure, it'll cost us $35 million, but we don't care, because we're going to come out ahead in the long run. And whatever it is that stuff we're making containers of, that plastic, we'll have to stop until we find out what it is. We're not in here for just one game, are we fellas? We're in here to go all the way. Now, lets get to the Super Bowl guys! And when we get there, let's already have won! Okay?
-
Julia Farnsworth: Let's do it tonight.
-
Betty Logan: What is it?
Joe Pendleton: This isn't what I thought was going to happen to me.
-
Everett: What do I do with his cocoa? I don't want to disturb him, but dare I let his cocoa get cold?
-
Joe Pendleton: Sisk! Everett! Bentley! Whip up a liver and whey shake. Right away!
-
Tony Abbott: Am I upsetting you? Have I offended you in some way?
Julia Farnsworth: Don't put your hand over my mouth again.
Tony Abbott: I'm sorry, darling. You used to like it.
-
Betty Logan: Why are you looking at me like that?
Joe Pendleton: I'm just memorizing your face. I want to memorize everything about you so no matter what happens, I won't forget you.
Betty Logan: Well, what's going to happen?
Joe Pendleton: Nothing's going to happen. You'd never forget me either, would you? I mean, that thing you said you saw in me. You said it was something in my eyes, remember? Well, if some day somebody came up to you, he might even be a football player, and he acted like he'd seen you before, you'd notice that same thing, wouldn't you? Ore even if you thought you did, you'd give him a chance, wouldn't you? He might be a good guy. He could be anybody. He could even be a quarterback.
Betty Logan: I don't understand what you're saying.
Joe Pendleton: Ah, I'm just acting crazy.
-
Mr. Jordan: There's a reason for everything. There's always a plan.
-
Krim: Are you trying to tell me you saw no specific changes in Mr Farnsworth's behavior?
Bentley: No, sir. Perhaps, a bit more talkative, but other than that, he seemed - normal.
Krim: And that's your opinion, too, Mr Sisk?
Sisk: Yes. I did notice that he seemed to take a dislike to all of his hats, but it was never violent.
-
Krim: You had cocoa with him every night at nine.
Everett: Yes.
Krim: What did you talk about?
Everett: Well, he'd say something like, "This cocoa is good, isn't it?" And I'd say, "Yes, it is." And then he'd say something like, "I wish the marshmallow would last longer." And I'd say, "So do I." Sometimes he talked about cookies.
-
Julia Farnsworth: I hope you don't doubt my word.
Betty Logan: I don't, I'm absolutely sure you're lying.
-
Krim: Mr Abbott, what did you and Mr. Farnsworth talk about the last time you saw him?
Tony Abbott: He was considering buying Haiti.
Krim: The country?
Tony Abbott: Yes, sir.
-
Max Corkle: If you want me to stay, arrest me. Otherwise, take this investigation and shove it up your ass!
-
Radio Announcer: It's sudden death overtime!
Heaven Can Wait Quotes
Extended Reading
