-
Max Conners: We have a bitch alert!
-
Jack's Mother: Uh, what it is you do, Mr. Staggliano?
Vinny Staggliano: College professor.
Jack's Mother: Oh! Uh, what do you teach?
Vinny Staggliano: College stuff. What are you, a fucking cop?
-
Dean: No more conning! No more! If you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna live a respectable life, chopping cars!
-
Jack Withrowe: My car doesn't drive so well with a tree in it.
-
William B. Tensy: I love a woman who eats raw meat.
-
Ulga: [seeing a fancy cigarette lighter] Ah, a... personal fire device.
-
Ulga: So much loudness. Can we not go somewhere I can relate to you... orally?
-
Max Conners: I'm sorry, Page. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a terrible everything.
Page Conners: [comforting her] You're finally seeing things clearly.
-
Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but smoking is not permitted.
William B. Tensy: Oh, terribly sorry.
[drops cigarette in her wine glass]
William B. Tensy: Nazi...
-
William B. Tensy: [regarding the cigarette lighter present] I'm not trying to get you to take up smoking, just thought it'd be a nice... incentive.
-
Max Conners: How do I look?
Page Conners: If I were a guy, I'd do you.
-
Page Conners: There's no love. It's the trick of the brain. It's the combination of chemicals and hormones.
-
Dean: Marry me... again.
-
Max Conners: He doesn't look so bad in this light.
Page Conners: Oh, yeah. His liver spots are positively glowing.
-
Page Conners: You spy on people humping in boats? That's so perverted.
Jack Withrowe: No, I look at stars.
Page Conners: Look, just because they're famous doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy too. Who ya got?
Jack Withrowe: The stars up there.
[points to sky]
Page Conners: You mean you come all the way out here to stare at space and shit?
Jack Withrowe: No, I come out here to get away from the lights of the city so I can SEE the space and shit.
-
Max Conners: I am in terrific shape. Feel my butt!
Page Conners: Uh, I am not feeling your butt again, Mother. We all know it's wonderful.
-
Dean: Do you have any idea how much therapy you people need?
-
Page Conners: Excuse me, may I grab your nuts? Mmm. Salty.
-
Wendy: Is it hard?
Dean: [nervously looks at his crotch] What?
Wendy: Getting married.
-
Jack Withrowe: Look, I'm willing to explore the whole being dominated thing, okay? But let's just take it slow.
-
Jack Withrowe: [on the phone] Why won't you talk to me?
Page Conners: [on the phone] Because there's nothing to say.
[Jack appears from behind "Jane's" car]
Jack Withrowe: Then why are you here?
-
Max Conners: Wait by the phone. Timing on this is crucial.
Page Conners: Duh!
[walks away from car window]
Page Conners: ...Always treating me like a child...
Max Conners: Child.
-
Max Conners: I'll protect her.
Dean: From what? From love?
Max Conners: From pain.
Dean: Love *is* pain! Life is pain. You can't protect anybody from it, it's always gonna get you. But sometimes, life could also be good. But you got to be open. You got to takes chances. You got to let go!
-
Page Conners: I'd have to kiss that?
Max Conners: Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.
Page Conners: Maybe you're into necrophilia.
-
Page Conners: [to Jack] Listen, mouth-breather, I'm fully capable and in the mood to beat the shit out of your psychotic, sulking ass!
-
Page Conners: Why can't we pick someone kinda cute?
Max Conners: Dean was kinda cute.
Page Conners: You're in serious denial.
Max Conners: Cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing, which leads to screwed.
-
William B. Tensy: [showing the statue to "Ulga"] Completely restored. Only seven thousand for a new willy.
-
Max Conners: You will respect your mother and do the con.
Page Conners: Keep dreaming, witch!
Max Conners: You are not too old to spank!
Page Conners: Try it!
-
Dean: You gold-diggin' whore, you're already working someone else!
[points a gun at Tensy]
Dean: Get off of her, asshole. Get off, asshole!
Max Conners: Don't shoot him, Dean.
Dean: Why not?
Max Conners: Because he's already dead.
-
Dean: Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.
[points gun at Max and Page]
Page Conners: Uh, Mom...
Max Conners: Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.
Dean: Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!
Max Conners: [takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.
Dean: Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!
-
Page Conners: For once, she's telling the truth!
Dean: Like I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan!
-
Linda: [watching Page manhandle a cigarette machine] Oh, yeah... she's a delicate flower.
-
Max Conners: [considering Tensy as their next mark] Hmm...
Page Conners: Not "hmm"! I am not dating the walking dead!
-
Page Conners: One penis coming up, Mom!
-
Page Conners: [to Jack throughout the movie] I gotta go.
-
Dean: [on a fishing boat] Look at all the fish!
[pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the water]
Dean: Huh, got it. This is gonna be a fun trip!
-
Jack Withrowe: Hi. Can I get you a drink?
Page Conners: Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity.
Jack Withrowe: Well, I...
Page Conners: "Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink?
Jack Withrowe: Well, because... I'm the bartender.
-
Max Conners: Maybe you'd like a spanking?
Page Conners: Just try it. I dare you!
-
Dean: Honey! Honey! This isn't what it looks like. I... I... I swear her hair got stuck in my zipper. I-I-I-I wasn't gettin' nothin'.
-
Max Conners: [catching Dean with another woman before their marriage was consumated] You just lost the best thing you never had.
-
Max Conners: Forget it. You're not gonna kill yourself and stink up my new car.
-
Max Conners: Have you any idea what that meat is doing to your arteries?
Page Conners: Haven't you heard? Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.
-
Max Conners: Mothers are death.
Page Conners: Can't argue there.
-
Bill: Well, Jack, looks like she got a free drink *and* one of your balls.
-
Page Conners: [to Jack] Since you can't seem to read my subtle signals, I'll help you out. Piss! Off!
-
Jack Withrowe: [excusing Page's volatile behavior] Everyone's a little irritable after they choke.
-
Page Conners: [bursting into Jack's bar] I want my purse, jerk-off!
Jack Withrowe: That's not very friendly. Now, I want you to go back out, and this time, when you kick the door open, say something nice.
Page Conners: [standing firm] You stole my purse, dip-shit, and you stole it so I'd have to see your ugly-ass face again.
-
Page Conners: Look, just give it to me, or would you rather have my heel up your ass?
Jack Withrowe: Who told you I'm into that?
-
Jack Withrowe: Isn't that the shoe you wanted to jam up my ass?
Page Conners: No, that was the 6" heel.
-
Page Conners: [on a deserted beach at night] You're not out here burying high school kids, are you?
Jack Withrowe: Well, they egged my car.
-
William B. Tensy: Smoking is part of the fun of being a kid. We just did some tests on some 9-year-olds. After a little puking, why, you couldn't drag 'em away from the stuff. Heh-heh-heh.
[cough]
William B. Tensy: You're only young once. Why not indulge, though, I always say.
-
William B. Tensy: There is nothing sexier than smoke billowing proudly out of a woman's hot, red, engorged nostrils.
-
Jack Withrowe: You *are* good. You may not know it, but I *do*. You come on tough, but it's all just an act. I mean, you don't even believe in sleeping together before marriage. You're like a Brady or an Osmond or something.
-
William B. Tensy: [slipping the arresting officer cash as he takes a housekeeper to jail] If it's at all possible, could you slap her around a little bit?
-
Jack Withrowe: Tell me to my face you don't love me.
Page Conners: I don't love you.
Jack Withrowe: Wow. More believable than I thought it would be.
-
William B. Tensy: [advancing upon Olga] My love, tonight we will celebrate this ecstatic joining of our spirits with the union of our aching bodies.
-
William B. Tensy: I ache for you, my pumpkin. Let's hump.
-
Dean: Angela, I've changed. I've totally changed. Look, look, look! This place is crawling with prime trim; I'm barely even noticing.
-
Ulga: God is everywhere.
William B. Tensy: Yes, he is. Isn't he? Nosy bastard.
-
Ulga: [upon seeing Tensy in his undershirt and shorts, w/fake Russian accent] Oh my gootness! Dat ees jarring!
-
William B. Tensy: [greeting Page-as-Wendy at her interview] Sorry I'm late. I've been passing out more frequently lately.
-
[first lines]
Priest at First Wedding: Do you, Angela Nardino, take Dean Cumanno as your lawfully wedded husband? To love, honor, and obey, 'til death do you part?
Angela Nardino: I do.
-
Max Conners: I've assumed my husband always filed the tax return.
Gloria Vogal: Which one?
-
Max Conners: You're not ready to con a guy without falling in love yourself.
Page Conners: Give me a break, I am in complete control!
Max Conners: I saw the kiss. Your eyes were closed.
Page Conners: That was the sun!
Max Conners: The last time the sun got in my eyes, I wound up with a daughter.
Page Conners: Yeah, and that's about the worst thing that's ever happened to you, isn't it?
-
Max Conners: Turning down a wedding gift is bad luck.
Jack Withrowe: Oh, I've never heard that before.
Max Conners: Sure, everything to do with weddings is bad luck.
-
[last lines]
Vinny Staggliano: I never realized I could feel this wa again. That I could be so totally in love with someone.
Barbara: Oh, I feel the same way Stanley...
Vinny Staggliano: You're beautiful.
Barbara: Thank you.
Max Conners: [watching with binoculars and a big grin]
-
Max Conners: Here's the last of our cash: 1,150... 1,170... 1,190. That's $1300 each. Wow! Have a nice life with that, Princess.
Page Conners: I'll economize.
Max Conners: Sure. You can do your own hair, your own nails. They actually have some great shoes at Wal-Mart.
Page Conners: UGH! Alright... one more con, but only if we do it right.
Max Conners: What does that mean?
Page Conners: It means no more small-time crap. It has to be big, one big final score to pay off the IRS and set me up on my own.
Max Conners: What are you talking about?
Page Conners: Palm Beach.
Max Conners: Palm Beach? Forget it! People that rich are already suspicious, it's too hard to play!
Page Conners: Palm beach or nothing.
-
Page Conners: Why can't we pick someone who's even just a little bit cute?
Max Conners: Dean was kind of cute.
Page Conners: You're in serious denial.
Max Conners: Page, I've told you, cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feelings which leads to screwing which leads to screwed.
Page Conners: I know that we can make that Doctor and his Mom work for us.
Max Conners: Page, we are going with Tensey and that is that.
Page Conners: That is not that! You wanna go with Tensey, go with Tensey, okay? I'm working Davis.
Max Conners: Page, I've told you before, no simultaneous cons, too many angles.
Page Conners: Yeah, but that's not just it, is it?
Max Conners: What?
Page Conners: You don't think I can be the primary, do you?
Max Conners: I didn't say that, although it does take an enormous amount of skill.
Page Conners: I can make men do anything.
Max Conners: Boys. You can make boys do anything: Gas station attendants, bartenders, the occasional migrant worker. A one-shot seduction is child's play compared to getting someone to marry you in 3 months.
Page Conners: 4 months.
Max Conners: What?
Page Conners: Well, it took you 4 months this time. You used to be able to do it in 3.
Max Conners: What are you saying? That I'm losing it? I'm getting too old?
Page Conners: I didn't say that.
Max Conners: I am in terrific shape. Feel my butt.
Page Conners: Ugh, I am going to feel your butt again, Mother, okay, we all know it's wonderful.
Max Conners: Tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Page Conners: Great. I've got cards.
Max Conners: Right. Like I'm going to trust your cards. See that guy over at the bar? First one to get him to buy her a drink wins.
Page Conners: Deal.
Page Conners: [Walking over to the bar, sitting next to their target] Hi. It's hot.
Man at the Bar: Yes it is.
Max Conners: [Comes over, sits down next to the other side of their target] Hi.
Man at the Bar: [Smiles at Max and turns back to page, holding a cigarette in her mouth] Let me get that for ya.
[Lights her cigarette]
Max Conners: [Max drops her shoe] Oh, my. Would you mind?
Man at the Bar: Not at all.
[Places her shoe back on her foot]
Max Conners: You're too kind. I'm Betty.
Max Conners: Hi, my name is-...
Page Conners: [Interrupts, grabbing onto his peanuts] Excuse me, may I... grab your nuts?
[Eats one of his peanuts]
Page Conners: Mmm, salty.
[Max begins coughing]
Max Conners: Are you okay? Can I get you a drink?
Man at the Bar: We go with Tensey.
Page Conners: Stupid Jerk!
[She gets up and walks away, leaving him confused]
-
Max Conners: How do I look?
Page Conners: If I were a guy, I'd do you.
Max Conners: You're too kind. I'm going back to the hospital to see if I can fix the mess you made last night.
Page Conners: Be nice or I won't tell you which eye looks bigger.
Max Conners: Which?
Page Conners: Are you gonna be nice?
Max Conners: I'm always nice.
Page Conners: The left. Here, use my eyeliner. *Realizes shift left her purse for the second time* Shit.
-
Max Conners: I don't understand, Philip. We deposit our money and you give it back when we say so.
Philip Tinker: I'm afraid it's not so simple, Miss Conners.
[Philip looks over at Gloria Vogel]
Gloria Vogal: Hello, I'm Gloria Vogal, IRS.
Max Conners: Oh, hello.
Gloria Vogal: Oh, I see you've heard of us since we so seldom hear from you.
Max Conners: I know I'm a little late with this year's return.
Gloria Vogal: Maybe even in the last 7.
Page Conners: Mother, I'm stunned! I had no idea you would evade your responsibilities as a U.S. citizen.
Gloria Vogal: [Grabs Page by the shoulder and forces back down into her seat] Shut up, Miss Conners! We've never seen a dime from you either!
Max Conners: Look, I know what must've happened. I've always assumed that my taxes were filed by my husband.
Gloria Vogal: Which one?
Max Conners: Look, just because I've had some trouble with my personal life-...
Gloria Vogal: - -Miss Conners, how you earn your money is of no use to us. Now, how can I put this in a language that you'll understand? We just want our cut.
Page Conners: How much?
Gloria Vogal: With interest and penalties, the total comes to $287,456.11.
Page Conners: What?
Max Conners: Ugh!
[She takes out her checkbook, and takes a pen from Philip's desk, but Gloria takes the pen out of Max's hand]
Gloria Vogal: Oh no no no. I'm afraid that amount is an addition to what used to be in your accounts. Your latest divorce settlement arrived this morning. Thanks.
Max Conners: But that's everything.
Gloria Vogal: It's not all bad. We'll give you a full 90 days to pay. Or, we move forward with criminal charges, for Felony, Tax Evasion, and Fraud.
[Max and Page are speechless and in shock]
Gloria Vogal: [Whispered and with relish] Good luck.
-
Dean: What the Hell's taking so long?
Max Conners: [Pissed] Oh, relax! You'll get your money. You destroyed my daughter, but you'll get it.
Dean: Hey, I was standing around, minding my own business when you bitches came along and ripped out my heart for a game of hackeysack. Don't give me that.
Max Conners: Come off it! We're both the same: We're scum!
Dean: We are not the same! I wasn't lying when I said, "I do".
Max Conners: No, you were lying when you tried to nail Page!
Dean: Pfft. Look, where I come from, guys make mistakes, sometimes. Didn't change the fact that I loved you.
[Brief pause]
Dean: I just know I wouldn't do it again.
Max Conners: 'Cause you got caught.
Dean: No, because of what I lost. You know, I'm not the only guy in the world that's ever screwed up. Even a goodie goodie like Jack couldn't keep his wang in the hanger.
Max Conners: [Softly] Yes, he can.
Dean: [Surprised] What did you say?
Max Conners: Nothing.
Dean: No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. What did you say?
Max Conners: I micked him.
[Dean becomes shocked]
Max Conners: Strictotoxin...
[flashback to Max spiking Jack's drink]
Max Conners: ... somewhere between out and awake. It just makes people easier to handle.
Dean: Whoa, whoa, wait a-wait a minute, you're kidding! He said "no" and you still let her believe that he went for a soil sample? You know what? That's a new low, even for you!
Max Conners: Look, you wanted your money! What was I supposed to do? Tell her that the man you forced us to con was the only decent guy she'd ever met?
Dean: What? You know what? This is just too sick! I thought this whole revenge thing was gonna be fun, but you've done whatever you can to ruin it! I don't even want this guy's money now!
Max Conners: Well, I don't want it, either!
Dean: Well, I'm not taking it!
Max Conners: Well, neither am I!
Dean: Well, neither am I!
Max Conners: All right, I'll take it.
Dean: What?
Max Conners: You said you didn't want it.
Dean: You should tell your daughter the truth!
Max Conners: What for? He's only gonna end up hurting her, anyway. She's better off with me, okay? I'll protect her.
Dean: From what? From love?
Max Conners: From pain.
Dean: Love is pain! Life is pain! You can't protect anybody from it! It's always gonna get ya, but sometimes, life could also be good! But you gotta be open, you gotta take chances, you gotta let go!
Max Conners: What self-help guru moron taught you that?
Dean: Nobody had to teach me nothing, it's common sense. And De Pa Topa is not a moron! I've seen a lot of crap in my life, but the way you're cheating her out of any chance for a decent future, it really sucks. Of all the lousy things you've done, you should be most ashamed of that. And what you did to me, too, I don't wanna completely leave that out.
Page Conners: [Approaching them with the money] Here's your money.
Dean: I don't want the money. Good luck with Psycho Mom here.
[Walks away]
Page Conners: [to Max] Ugh! What was that?
Max Conners: I took care of him.
Page Conners: How?
Max Conners: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just get this Goddamn place!
Heartbreakers Quotes
Extended Reading
