Harry and Tonto Quotes

Shirley: I like you, Norman.

Norman: I like you too, Aunt Shirley, but I think you're a bitch.

Harry: How old are you?

Ginger: Sixteen.

Harry: I guess I don't know much about being 16 these days.

Ginger: Neither do I.

Burt Coombes Jr.: I know you think you're really far out. You smoke a couple of joints, and you think you're into something, right? No... hey, I know. I mean, I took 32 trips, you ninny. Pure stuff. Pure rainbow! I had more coke stuffed up this nose than you could breathe air. I was into heavy Tibetan meditation for two years, you jimbo!

Harry: You're not very tolerant, Junior.

Burt Coombes Jr.: The heaviest thing I can do for him is to-...

[shouts]

Burt Coombes Jr.: wake him up!

Harry: Shirley?

Shirley: What?

Harry: Do you love me?

Shirley: Look, I'll tell you something, Harry: I don't always like you, but I do love you.

Harry: Then why do we always argue?

Shirley: I don't know. I guess that's the way we talk to each other, Harry.

Harry: Who's the vice president this week?

Newspaper vendor: Who cares?

Harry: Did you see that?

Jacob Rivetowski: No.

Harry: Fellow almost ran me over.

Jacob Rivetowski: What kind of car?

Harry: I don't know... a big gray job.

Jacob Rivetowski: Capitalist bastard!

Harry: Jacob, they want me to move.

Jacob Rivetowski: What?

Harry: I got a notice that they're tearing down my building. They're putting up a fancy parking lot.

Jacob Rivetowski: Capitalist bastards!

Leroy: You all right, Harry?

Harry: I was mugged.

Leroy: White boy or black boy?

Harry: What the hell difference does it make?

Leroy: I'd just like to know, that's all.

Harry: White.

Leroy: Hot damn.

Harry: If it makes you feel any better, the last one was Puerto Rican.

Harry: Did you ever have Annushka again?

Jacob Rivetowski: No, no... My father started slipping it to her regularly.

Harry: [chuckling] Polish logic!

Jacob Rivetowski: He was a capitalist bastard!

Elaine Coombes: I was gonna' try and cook some authentic soul food, but then I got afraid it wouldn't turn out all right. But I love the soul food. Burt and I ate it at a little place in the East Village that specializes in it... It's run by an elderly Afro-American woman.

Leroy: *I* didn't know they had soul food in Africa.

Panhandler: [knocks on car window] Have you got 35 cents?

Harry: Why thirty-five?

Panhandler: I wanna' buy a mink coat.

Harry: Let me tell you something: times are bad. Don't you believe what they're saying in the papers about a recession. We're in a depression.

Taxi Driver: You better believe it.

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: I am 62 years old.

[Indicates to Harry the rather obvious hair piece he's wearing]

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: I can't get it up unless I take a dose of strychnine.

Harry: Strychnine? I thought strychnine was poisonous?

Nick Lewis - Used Car Dealer: Naw, no... It really gives you a lift, you know? But I wanna' tell ya, it isn't worth it. 'Cause I get such terrible headaches. Right through my skull. "Bong! Bong!" Like a sledgehammer. So, a fella' has to decide whether he wants a migraine headache... or a piece of ass, you know?

Harry: Well, Nick, you live and learn.

Harry: You know, the strangest thing about being old is... all your friends are dead.

Shirley: Well, all your old friends, maybe. You could make new friends, you know?

Wade Carlton: So I was broke. I rode me down to Galveston. Read an article in the paper... about catchin' sharks. Shark's good for a lot of things. Got a job with a Portuguese feller. Caught sharks till I couldn't move my arms. Made me $300 and come home. Hadn't shaved for three weeks. Come walkin' up to the front door. The wife thought it was a bum. Told me to clear on out. That's when I got into cats.

Harry: Your wife still alive?

Wade Carlton: Nope. Buried three of 'em. Good women. Bad diets.

Stephanie: When's the last time you made it, Harry?

Harry: Oh, I haven't had sex in a long time.

Stephanie: Had? Or enjoyed?

Harry: [Chuckling] What's the difference?

Stephanie: You'll have to pay to find out.

Harry: [In jail for urinating in public] This is the first time in my life I've ever been in jail.

Sam Two Feathers: What are you in for?

Harry: Peeing.

Sam Two Feathers: I got a ticket once for shitting.

Harry: Where'd you do it?

Sam Two Feathers: No, not me. My horse - in a hotel lobby.

Harry: Oh.

Harry: Your office near your place?

Eddie Coombes: I don't need an office anymore, Pop. I'm living off the cream now. I sell a little insurance once in a while... or move a nice piece of real estate whenever I need some fast cash. But mostly I play.

Harry: Well, I must say, Eddie, you *look* like a playboy.

Harry: When did you last have a woman, Jacob?

Jacob Rivetowski: What?

Harry: When did you last sleep with a woman?

Jacob Rivetowski: Saturday night.

[pause]

Jacob Rivetowski: March.

[pause]

Jacob Rivetowski: 1951. Yeah, it was about ten o'clock at night.