Happy Endings Quotes

[confronting Jude about her pregnancy]

Frank: Do you know if it's a boy?

Otis: What do you care? You have a son.

Frank: Or a girl! I'm just asking!

Jude: What's the matter? Boy trouble?

Otis: Fuck you, Jude!

[on Gil and parenting]

Pam: You would have been a great dad.

Gil: We tried. It wasn't meant to be.

[testing out his new video equipment]

Nicky: Oh, wow. You look really pretty if I stand far away and I use the zoom.

Mamie: Thank you.

[finding out that Charley lied about Gil being sick]

Diane: You miserable little faggot.

Charley: Oh, that's mature. Homophobe much?

[to Alvin and Bill on Otis being gay and a drummer]

Miles: Why do think he's a drummer? So he can stare at our asses all night.

Mamie: I'm not pro-life, though.

Jude: Who is, once you start to pay attention?

Jude: Hey, do you guys mind if I ask you something?

Alvin: She's not in rehab for drugs. It's just booze. Plus, she's a vomiter.

Miles: A fat vomiter, which is fucking useless.

Jude: No... just, why is Otis the leader?

Javier: [during a massage] This is what you need. This is why you paid.

Mamie: [stammering] Well, it was... it was a gift certificate.

Jude: We're breaking up.

Otis: What?

Jude: Look, I'm not gonna screw you *and* your dad.

Lane: I hear Jude fucked you over. Me too. I'm Lane.

Frank: Otis's girlfriend?

Lane: No one told me. I already have a boyfriend. Rick. Asshole.

Jude: I think your Dad's home. You totally owe me, dude. He doesn't think you're a 'mo anymore.

[as he pulls his shirt on]

Otis: Hey, I am not gay.

[pointing to the bed]

Otis: Hello?

[Jude turns on his TV, revealing a gay porn video]

Jude: You "hello".

Gil: She wouldn't lie.

Charley: She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond. Think of yours; think of mine. It's unwholesome.

Jude: What's going on?

Nicky: He knows you're just after his money. And I told him what you had over me, and he doesn't care that I'm gay.

Frank: I care, I care, of course I care. It's not good news.

[first lines]

Charley: [chasing Mamie] Wait! Wait!

Woman Driver: [hits Mamie] My God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I didn't see her! I didn't see her!

Charley: Oh my God!

Woman Driver: Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't see her!

Charley: Do you have a cell? Call 911!

Woman Driver: Oh God.

Passerby: Hey, is she all right?

Charley: I don't know.

Woman Driver: [on phone] 911? Yes, hurry, we need an ambulance quick.

Title Card: She's not dead. / No one dies in this movie, not on-screen. It's a comedy, sort of.

Mamie: What kind of movies does this guy make?

Jude: I don't know. He's an idiot. The kind idiots make, I guess.