Happy Endings Quotes

  • [confronting Jude about her pregnancy]

    Frank: Do you know if it's a boy?

    Otis: What do you care? You have a son.

    Frank: Or a girl! I'm just asking!

  • Mamie: Nothing says "I love you" like blackmail.

  • Jude: What's the matter? Boy trouble?

    Otis: Fuck you, Jude!

  • [on Gil and parenting]

    Pam: You would have been a great dad.

    Gil: We tried. It wasn't meant to be.

  • [testing out his new video equipment]

    Nicky: Oh, wow. You look really pretty if I stand far away and I use the zoom.

    Mamie: Thank you.

  • [finding out that Charley lied about Gil being sick]

    Diane: You miserable little faggot.

    Charley: Oh, that's mature. Homophobe much?

  • Mamie: [to Javier] He thinks you're the American hero, making depressed women everywhere feel good.

  • [to Alvin and Bill on Otis being gay and a drummer]

    Miles: Why do think he's a drummer? So he can stare at our asses all night.

  • Mamie: I'm not pro-life, though.

    Jude: Who is, once you start to pay attention?

  • Mamie: Who raised you?

  • Jude: Hey, do you guys mind if I ask you something?

    Alvin: She's not in rehab for drugs. It's just booze. Plus, she's a vomiter.

    Miles: A fat vomiter, which is fucking useless.

    Jude: No... just, why is Otis the leader?

  • Nicky: I thought we had a moment there.

  • Jude: [singing] How lucky am I?

  • Javier: [during a massage] This is what you need. This is why you paid.

    Mamie: [stammering] Well, it was... it was a gift certificate.

  • Jude: We're breaking up.

    Otis: What?

    Jude: Look, I'm not gonna screw you *and* your dad.

  • Lane: I hear Jude fucked you over. Me too. I'm Lane.

    Frank: Otis's girlfriend?

    Lane: No one told me. I already have a boyfriend. Rick. Asshole.

  • Jude: I think your Dad's home. You totally owe me, dude. He doesn't think you're a 'mo anymore.

    [as he pulls his shirt on]

    Otis: Hey, I am not gay.

    [pointing to the bed]

    Otis: Hello?

    [Jude turns on his TV, revealing a gay porn video]

    Jude: You "hello".

  • Gil: She wouldn't lie.

    Charley: She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond. Think of yours; think of mine. It's unwholesome.

  • Narrator: When you're a gay man, you have to feel good about yourself when a urologist says, 'Yeah. I pick you.'

  • Jude: What's going on?

    Nicky: He knows you're just after his money. And I told him what you had over me, and he doesn't care that I'm gay.

    Frank: I care, I care, of course I care. It's not good news.

  • [first lines]

    Charley: [chasing Mamie] Wait! Wait!

    Woman Driver: [hits Mamie] My God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I didn't see her! I didn't see her!

    Charley: Oh my God!

    Woman Driver: Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I didn't see her!

    Charley: Do you have a cell? Call 911!

    Woman Driver: Oh God.

    Passerby: Hey, is she all right?

    Charley: I don't know.

    Woman Driver: [on phone] 911? Yes, hurry, we need an ambulance quick.

    Title Card: She's not dead. / No one dies in this movie, not on-screen. It's a comedy, sort of.

  • Mamie: What kind of movies does this guy make?

    Jude: I don't know. He's an idiot. The kind idiots make, I guess.

  • Jude: Nothing comes off the money you're gonna get 30 years from now when your dad dies from too much sex. You don't have to call me mom - all the time.