Happiest Season Quotes

Abby: Hey

[wakes up Harper]

Harper: What's wrong?

Abby: Just making sure you're okay

Harper: Why wouldn't I be?

Abby: I don't know. You weren't answering me, so I was...

Harper: I know, but you knew I was out with my friends.

Abby: Yeah, but I didn't know you were going to be out until 2 in the morning. So I'm just checking on you.

Harper: Okay.

[pauses]

Harper: I'm sorry, I didn't know I had a curfew.

Abby: What is going on with you?

Harper: Nothing. Nothing, I just don't know why you're keeping tabs on me.

Abby: Keeping tabs on you?

Harper: Yeah, it just feels a little suffocating.

Abby: I'm suffocating you? Oh, I feel really suffocated in the closet you shoved me back into!

Harper: You agreed to this!

Abby: We were practically already here!

Harper: [whispering] Would you please be quiet!

Abby: I was gonna...

[pauses]

Abby: If I knew part of what I was agreeing to was you hanging out with your ex-boyfriend all night, maybe I wouldn't have.

Harper: I feel like we just need some space.

Abby: You need some space? Okay.

[exits]

Harper: Abby!

John: Abby, you and Harper have a perfect relationship! Why do you want to ruin that by engaging in one of the most archaic institutions in the history of the human race?

Abby: Because I want to marry her.

John: Okay, you say that, but what you're actually doing is tricking the woman you claim to love by trapping her into a box of hetero-normativity and trying to make her your property. She is not a rice cooker, or a cake plate! She's a human being.

Abby: It's not about owning her! It's about building a life with her. She is my person and I really want everyone to know that.

John: I suppose that's one way of looking at it. So when are you going to ask her?

Abby: I was thinking of doing it on New Years, but now that I'm going home with her...

[pauses]

Abby: I understand that this is really old-fashioned, but I want to ask her dad for his blessing and propose on Christmas morning.

John: I'm sorry, ask her dad for his blessing? Way to stick it to the patriarchy! Really well done.

Abby: I haven't had a family Christmas in 10 years. Also, a fact you don't know about me - I'm actually very good with parents.

Harper: Okay, there's something that we should talk about before we get to my parent's house.

Abby: What is it?

Harper: Do you remember this summer when I came out to my parents and told them we were together and they took it really well?

Abby: Yeah.

Harper: Okay, well that wasn't entirely accurate.

Abby: They didn't take it well?

Harper: No! No, no... um, I didn't tell them.

John: Hey, Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.

Abby: How could it not?

John: Remind me, what did your parents say when you told them you were gay?

Abby: Um, that they loved and supported me.

John: That's amazing! My dad kicked me out of the house and didn't talk to me for 13 years after I told him. Everybody's story is different. There's your version and my version, and everything in between. But the one thing all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words. When your heart is racing and you don't know what's coming next. That moment's really terrifying! And once you say those words, you can't un-say them. A chapter has ended, and a new one's begun. You have to be ready for that. You can't do it for anyone else.

[pauses]

John: Just because Harper isn't ready doesn't mean she never will be, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Harper: Sloane wasn't lying! I'm gay, and I am in love with Abby. I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys sooner, but I know how much appearances and reputation matter to you. And me being gay didn't fit into the plan. But I let myself hurt Riley because I was so scared that you'd find out I wasn't who you wanted me to be, and I still regret it. I can't do that to Abby and throw away our life together. So I am done being scared, and I am done keeping secrets.

[to Abby]

Harper: I love you.

Sloane: Eric and I are getting a divorce. We separated a few months ago. Truth is, I didn't tell you because without my family I'm worthless to you. We've spent our entire lives trying to earn your love, and I'm done too.

Jane: I don't have any secrets, but I am an ally!

Abby: I'm going to go.

Harper: Wait, no. No! I did it!

Abby: I'm sorry. It's just too late.

Harper: Abby!

Abby: How did you even...

Harper: I tracked you. John taught me.

Abby: I just want to go home.

Harper: I know! I just, please let me say this. You are my family! You are the love of my life. I was terrible and I wish that I could undo everything, but I promise you I will make it up to you. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, and I won't hurt you like this again. But please, give me another chance. I want to build a life with you. Please?

Abby: But, what about your parents?

Harper: I don't care what they think. I only care about you. If I have you that's all I need. Be with me?

Abby: What did you mean last night? When you said you could relate.

Riley: That was just a comment based on an assumption that I was making about you and Harper.

Abby: I think it's probably an accurate assumption. You don't have to talk to me about this stuff. Like, I know it's weird.

Riley: So, what has she told you?

Abby: That you dated in high school. That you were her first girlfriend. That's about it. Is there more?

Riley: Yeah, a little. I mean, yeah. Growing up we were totally inseparable. We were best friends, and then freshman year we became more than friends. We started dating, but nobody knew that, obviously, and we would leave these little love letters in each other's lockers. And one day one of Harper's friends found one of the letters and she asked Harper what it was about, and Harper basically just said that I am gay and that I wouldn't leave her alone. And then within a couple of days, everyone in school found out and everybody was so awful to me.

Abby: I'm sorry, that's... I'm sorry.

Riley: Yeah, so, the thing that I can relate to is being in love with somebody that is too afraid to show the world who they are. But that was a long time ago.

Abby: Yeah.

Abby: What are you doing on your phone?

John: I'm sorry, I left a gentleman alone in my apartment so I'm tracking him to make sure he leaves.

Abby: You're tracking him?

John: Yeah, I track everybody. If the NSA can do it, so can I.

Harper: Abby! Hey, can we just talk for a second?

Abby: No, I have to go. I can't. I can't do this for you anymore. But merry Christmas! Enjoy your family and enjoy Connor.

Harper: What? No! I don't want him! I don't want Connor, I want you!

Abby: Then what was that?

Harper: I don't know! Why are you huddled in a corner with Riley?

Abby: None of this has anything to do with Riley! This is all happening because of you, Harper. You not telling your parents about us is a choice that you made!

Harper: It is not that simple!

Abby: Do you know how painful it's been to watch the person that I love choose to hide me?

Harper: I am not hiding you! I am hiding me! Okay? Our entire life we have been expected to be these perfect, golden children. Love in our house wasn't something we just got for free. It is something that we competed for and if we veered off their course, we lost it. I know it's messed up! Okay, I get it. But they're my parents! And I'm scared that if I tell them who I really am then I will lose them. And I know that if I don't tell them, I will lose you. I don't want to lose you!

John: Sup.

Connor: Sup.

John: You pump?

Connor: I'm sorry?

John: Weights?

Connor: Oh. Yeah. You?

John: Yeah!

Connor: What do you bench?

John: Thousand? Thousand plus.

Abby: How are you here?

John: When are you going to get this? I have been tracking you.

Tipper: Hello?

John: Hi!

Tipper: I'm Tipper, this is my home. Are you the ex-boyfriend?

John: Yes, I am John. Abby's heterosexual ex-boyfriend and I have come to get her back.

Tipper: I see. Well, it would have been nice to have known you were coming, but since you are here... enjoy!

John: Thank you so much!

[Tipper exits]

John: Okay, I nailed that and she is fabulous.

Abby: What are you doing?

John: That phone call earlier was a cry for help. I'm here to rescue you. Please get your things.

John: Okay, so I might have been a little judgmental when we last spoke. You are in an unusual situation, and as your friend I should have created a safe space for you to share without the threat of criticism. So, I'm sorry. I am here, no judgement. What is going on?

Abby: Well, let's see, I was arrested by mall security yesterday and how Harper's entire family thinks I'm a criminal. And after spending her entire night until 2:00 in the morning with her ex-boyfriend Connor, she's acting like someone I barely even recognize. I want to just get out of here, but it would cost me like $1000 to get a ride and this is why I avoid Christmas! It brings out the worst in everything! I know this isn't about me, I just feel crazy. Do I stick it out for two days? It's not that long. But I don't know. What would you do?

John: Uhh... um... I don't know, I'm gonna have to give this a think. I think.

Riley: What is happening?

Abby: I don't know. Yesterday I never felt closer to another person in my entire life, and now I don't know her. I thought she loved me and was happy, but I see her here and she's so terrified of what everyone thinks. It's just making me wonder who the real Harper is. You know?

Riley: Maybe they both are.

Abby: I was gonna ask her to marry me tomorrow.

Riley: [consoles Abby] I'm gonna get you a real drink. Okay?

Abby: [answers phone] Hello?

John: Did you know you're standing in a country club that didn't let women have their own memberships until the early 2000s?

Abby: How do you know that?

John: Uh, I might be tracking you, but it's for your own safety. Clearly!

Abby: What do you want?

John: I want you to break out of that closet!

Abby: I am not in the closet! I told you Harper's going to tell her parents everything right after the holidays.

John: You deserve to be with someone who shouts their love for you from the rooftops!

Abby: That's very sweet.

John: So stop being a doormat, you fool.

Abby: Did you need something? Or did you just call to shame me?

John: I'm not shaming you. I just think that the choice you're making is dumb and you should feel bad about it, and yourself. Also, I am loving these fish! If I wanted to buy the exact same one for myself, where do you think I would do that?

Abby: What?

John: You know what, I think I should Google it. I'm gonna Google it, thanks.

[hangs up]

Riley: Hey

Abby: Oh, hey.

Riley: How's it going? I'm just taking a break from diagnosing everyone's mystery illnesses. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop or anything, I was already out there before you came out. You didn't see me. But, um, I can relate.

Abby: To what?

Riley: [pauses] Nothing.

Harper: When I saw that mess upstairs, I knew my mom would be busy for the next two hours.

Abby: What do you want to do for two hours?

Harper: [leads to bed] I don't know!

[kisses Abby]

Harper: Tonight wasn't the best.

Abby: Yeah, but we got through it.

Harper: You know, you're right. You are really good with parents.

Abby: You think they like me?

Harper: Definitely!

Abby: You think they like me as much as they love Connor?

Harper: Oh no. No, no, but they don't even really like me that much, so...

[kisses Abby]

Harper: I love you.

Abby: I love you.

John: Have you managed to get a man's permission to take ownership of an adult, human woman yet?

Abby: Not exactly.

John: What's going on? You sound tense.

Abby: I'm not tense! I'm great. There's just one tiny thing. Um, Harper isn't out and her parents don't know we're together.

John: Okay, you know what? I always felt like something was off. You can't go over a year without meeting your significant other's parents. Trust me, I have tried!

Abby: I know, but it's not that big of a deal because she does plan on telling them immediately after the holidays.

John: So, what, her parents are believing their straight daughter brought home her lesbian friend for Christmas?

Abby: No! No, they also think that I'm straight.

John: Have they ever met a lesbian?

Abby: It's not so bad! It's kind of fun having a secret.

John: Yeah, I mean, there's nothing more erotic than concealing your authentic selves!

Abby: I know it's not ideal, but I know it's what she needs right now.

Abby: You can be totally honest with me. Like, about anything. Seriously. I can take it.

Harper: Okay. Then you should know that it is very difficult to sit next to you at dinner and not be able to kiss you.

Tipper: Harper, did you see that the Bennett's are here?

Harper: Yeah, we just ran into Riley.

Ted: Did you hear that she's doing her residency at Johns Hopkins?

Jane: I should have her look at my mole.

Harper: No, I hadn't heard that.

Ted: It's very impressive! Her parents must be proud. And relieved.

Tipper: I know. That lifestyle choice.

Ted: Such a shame.

Connor: Abby, what do you do?

Abby: Oh, I'm working on my PhD in art history over at Carnegie Mellon. My parents were professors there, so I kind of wanted to follow in their footsteps.

Ted: You know, before law school, I took all the money I had and went to Paris for a month. Spent every day in museums! That experience made me the man I am.

Abby: That must have been incredible. What a dream!

Ted: It was. Boy, Carnegie Mellon, huh? Bet you could teach me a thing or two.

Harper: I hate that you're gonna be alone on Christmas. I'm gonna miss you.

Abby: Hey, I'm gonna miss you, too.

Harper: We could just stay up here.

Abby: I'd do that.

Abby: My parents loved Christmas. We would do all the stuff. We would decorate and do the tree and watch, like, every Christmas movie. After they died, I couldn't really bring myself to acknowledge Christmas.

John: Hmm.

Abby: The holidays were just a huge reminder of them not being here. So I really thought maybe this year with Harper and meeting her family, you know, that it would just feel different. I don't think that she loves me as much as I thought she did.

John: Hey, Harper not coming out to her parents has nothing to do with you.

Harper: Come with me.

Abby: Where?

Harper: To my parents' house for Christmas.

Abby: Oh, really?

[pause]

Abby: I've got the pets to sit.

Harper: Oh my God, get someone to cover for you! I want to wake up with you on Christmas morning. And if that doesn't convince you to love Christmas, I'll never bring it up again.

Abby: Deal. Yeah!

[kisses Harper]

Riley: What are you drinking?

Abby: Oh, it's a spiced... alcohol.

Riley: Gross, can I have some?

Abby: Yeah.

Harper: What's going on in here?

Abby: I just woke up thinking about going home with you and got very excited about Christmas.

Harper: Oh... baby, you don't have to come with me.

Abby: Well, I want to.

Harper: No! No, no, no. I feel like I really put you on the spot last night, and I understand how you feel about Christmas because you lost your parents. You just don't have to

Abby: [interrupts] No, I genuinely want to go. I get to go meet the people that made my favorite person.

Harper: Okay, but who's gonna look after all those pets?

Abby: John's gonna cover for me.

[long pause]

Abby: I know why you're worried. But don't be! I am all in on Christmas.

Harper: Good!

Tipper: What is going on!

Sloane: Yeah, what is going on? Harper, do you want to tell them, or should I?

Harper: Don't, Sloane!

Sloane: Why? It's not good timing?

Tipper: Girls, stop that this instant!

Jane: Come one, guys. Just hug it out.

Harper, Sloane: Shut up, Jane!

Harper: Don't do this, Sloane!

Sloane: All this because you're scared to not be the favorite. Pathetic!

Ted: Sloane, you're making a scene!

Sloane: I am? You think she's so innocent? All of this is happening because Harper is... Harper is a lesbian! Abby's her girlfriend.

Harper: She is lying! I am not a lesbian!

[party goes silent as Abby leaves]

Tipper: Kids, what are you doing back there?

Magnus: Playing hide-and-seek like Abby and Aunt Harper.

Riley: Great party.

Harper: Yeah.

Riley: You okay?

Harper: I'm so sorry.

Riley: [shakes Harper's hand] Merry Christmas.

Harper: Merry Christmas.

Riley: She's a really good one.

Harper: Yeah.

Abby: So, Sloane and Eric, you guys make gift baskets, right?

Sloane: No. We create curated gift experiences inside of handmade reclaimed wood vessels.

Eric: Yeah, the vessels are gorgeous. She has impeccable taste.

Sloane: Oh, no, honey, you have the eye.

Abby: That sounds great.

Sloane: Yeah, Gwynnie seems to think so. Paltrow. Goop picked us up, and sales have been through the roof ever since.

Harper: Mom, what are you doing?

Tipper: I started an Instagram feed for your father to give voters a peek behind the curtain. Your mother's going viral!

Ted: I have sunk almost all of our savings into this campaign. Because I thought, if I won, you'd all be proud of me.

Harper: We're already proud of you.

Sloane: We don't care if you win.

Jane: Yeah, and the money doesn't matter. When I sell my book, I'll take care of all of us.

Ted: I love you, girls. And I'm sorry for making you think that anything could ever get in the way of that. I want to do better, and it will take time, but all I want for you is to find the same joy and happiness that you have given me, no matter where it comes from.

Tipper: I'm sorry about all this mess.

Abby: What? No, this is so nice.

Tipper: Better than your room at the orphanage?

Abby: Oh, I wasn't in an orphanage, because I was 19 when my parents died.

Tipper: Oh. One of the lucky ones.

Harper: Riley!

Riley: Harper.

Harper: Sorry, um, Riley, this is Abby. Abby is my

Abby: Orphan. Roommate. We... I am an orphan, but we live together. As friends, um, like acquaintances.

Harper: Oh, please stop.

Abby: Yeah.

Riley: Nice to meet you. So, I'm just gonna sneak on by you guys.

Abby: Was that "the" Riley?

Harper: Okay, that one really wasn't my fault.

Abby: Well, who knows, maybe another one of your exes will bring out dessert.

Tipper: Do you have a boyfriend, Abby?

Abby: No. But I have! Because... I have had many. But not too many. An appropriate amount. I actually just went through a breakup.

Jane: Oh no!

Tipper: Aw, Abby.

Abby: Yeah, with, um, he was a... he was a milk man.

Harper: Okay! And I think we'll just settle in now.

Tipper: Okay, we we'll just show Abby to her room.

Harper: What, is she not gonna stay up here with me?

Tipper: Harper, I would never ask two grown women to share the same bed! No, Abby will stay in Jane's old room.

Jane: Oh! Oh, I could show it to her!

Tipper: Settle down.

Jane: I'm settled!

Abby: Oh! You're room's in the basement?

Jane: Oh, yeah. I had night terrors. They put me down here so I wouldn't wake everyone up.

Abby: Should I have some sort of cover story or something?

Harper: Oh, no. Just be you.

Abby: Okay.

Harper: I mean, but don't, you know, say that we're together, obviously. And, um, you know, maybe don't mention that you're... um...

Abby: Gay?

Harper: Yeah. Yeah, I think, actually, it might be better to just avoid it. But don't lie. You're a very bad liar.

Abby: No, I'm not.

Tipper: Abby, what are you doing in the closet?

Abby: Oh, I must have been sleepwalking!

Tipper: Oh, that can be very dangerous. I once took too many Ambien and I bought a racehorse online.