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Frederick: It's been ages since I sat in front to the TV. Just changing channels to find something. You see the whole culture. Nazis, deodorant salesmen, wrestlers, beauty contests, a talk show. Can you imagine the level of a mind that watches wrestling, huh? But the worst are the fundamentalist preachers. Third grade con men telling the poor suckers that watch them that they speak with Jesus, and to please send in money. Money, money, money! If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
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Gail: Listen, kid, I think you snapped your cap. Maybe you need a few weeks in Bermuda or something. Or go to a whorehouse!
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Mickey: [voiceover] Millions of books written on every conceivable subject, by all these great minds; and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do. Jesus, I read Socrates. You know, this guy used to knock off little Greek boys. What the hell's he got to teach me? And - and Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we live, we're gonna live over and over, the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It's not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. Jes I was in analysis for years. Nothing happened!
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Mickey's Father: How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't know how the can opener works!
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Mickey: A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store - I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me - MIGHT'VE - is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle - you know - it would've been a blood bath.
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[after learning Mickey is infertile]
Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
Mickey: You gonna start knockin' my hobbies?
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Frederick: You missed a very dull TV show on Auschwitz. More gruesome film clips, and more puzzled intellectuals declaring their mystification over the systematic murder of millions. The reason they can never answer the question "How could it possibly happen?" is that it's the wrong question. Given what people are, the question is "Why doesn't it happen more often?"
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Mickey: I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials.
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Mickey: I'm afraid once they're done singing they're gonna take hostages!
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Norman - Mickey's Ex-partner: The point that we're making here is that we need some sperm.
Mickey: Gee. Well, my first reaction after the initial shock is: flattered that you'd ask me.
Norman - Mickey's Ex-partner: Well, I would be the father, you would just have to masturbate into a little cup.
Mickey: I can handle that.
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Mickey: [watching joggers in Central Park] Look at all these people, trying to stave off the inevitable decay of their bodies.
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Norma: It's a good thing that we had a talented daughter!
Evan: I can only hope that she was mine! With you as her mother, her father could be anybody in Actor's Equity!
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Holly: I love songs about extraterrestrial life, don't you?
Mickey: Not when they're sung by extraterrestrials.
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Mickey's Father: And you're gonna believe in Jesus Christ?
Mickey: I know - sounds funny. But, I'm gonna give it a try.
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Gail: Two months ago, you thought you had a malignant melanoma.
Mickey: Naturally, I, I- Do you know I- The sudden appearance of a black spot on my back!
Gail: It was on your shirt!
Mickey: I- How was I to know? Everyone was pointing back here.
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Hannah: What triggered it?
Evan: We were making a commercial down at the mayor's office. And there was this young, good looking salesman that your mother was throwing herself at him in a disgusting way. And when she found she was too old to seduce, that he was embarrassed by her...
Norma: Liar! Liar!
Evan: And at lunch she got drunker and drunker and, finally, she became Joan Collins!
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Elliot: For all my education, accomplishments and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart.
-
Frederick: I'm not interested in what your interior decorator thinks, okay?
Dusty: I can't commit to anything without consulting her first. That's what I have her for, okay?
Frederick: This is degrading. You don't buy paintings to blend in with the sofa.
Dusty: It's not a sofa - it's an ottoman!
-
Mickey: One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. Ya know I just felt that in a Godless universe I didn't wanna go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which I loaded believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. And I remember thinking, I'm gonna kill myself. Then I thought, what if I'm wrong, what if there is a God. I mean, after all nobody really knows that. Then I thought no, ya know maybe is not good enough, I want certainty or nothing. And I remember very clearly, the clock was ticking, and I was sitting there frozen with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot.
[gun fires]
Mickey: All of a sudden the gun went off. I had been so tense my finger squeezed the trigger inadvertantly. But I was perspiring so much the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. Suddenly neighbors were pounding on the door, and I dunno the whole scene was just pandemonium. I ran to the door, I didn't know what to say. I was embarrassed and confused and my mind was racing a mile a minute. And I just knew one thing I had to get out of that house, I had to just get out in the fresh air and clear my head. I remember very clearly I walked the streets, I walked and I walked I didn't know what was going through my mind, it all seemed so violent and unreal to me. I wandered for a long time on the upper west side, it must have been hours. My feet hurt, my head was pounding, and I had to sit down I went into a movie house. I didn't know what was playing or anything I just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and be logical and put the world back into rational perspective. And I went upstairs to the balcony, and I sat down, and the movie was a film that I'd seen many times in my life since I was a kid, and I always loved it. I'm watching these people up on the screen and I started getting hooked on the film. I started to feel, how can you even think of killing yourself, I mean isn't it so stupid. Look at all the people up there on the screen, they're real funny, and what if the worst is true. What if there is no God and you only go around once and that's it. Well, ya know, don't you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And after who knows, I mean maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And then I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.
-
Holly: Naturally I get taken home first. Well, obviously he prefers April. Of course I was so tongue-tied all night. I can't believe I said that about the Guggenheim,. My stupid rollerskating joke. I should never tell jokes. Mom can tell 'em and Hannah, but I kill 'em.
[Glaring at the offscreen April's back]
Holly: Where did April come up with that stuff about Adolph Loos and terms like "organic form"?
[Looking out to the side window, pausing for a moment]
Holly: Well, naturally. She went to Brandeis. But I don't think she knows what she's talking about. Could you believe the way she was calling him David? "Yes, David. I feel that way, too, David. What a marvelous space, David." I hate April. She's pushy. Now, they'll dump me and she'll invite him up. I. blew it.
-
[first lines]
Elliot: God, she's beautiful. She's got the prettiest eyes. She looks so sexy in that sweater. I just want to be alone with her and hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her and take care of her. Stop it you idiot, she's your wife's sister. But I can't help it. I'm consumed by her. It's been months now. I dream about her, I - I - I think about her at the office. Oh Lee, what am I gonna do? I hear myself moaning over you and it's disgusting. Before, when she squeezed past me at the doorway and I smelt that perfume on the back of her neck - Jesus, I - I thought I was gonna swoon. Easy! You're a dignified financial advisor. It doesn't look good for you to swoon.
-
[last lines]
Mickey: You know, I was talking to your father before, and I was telling him that it's ironic I, I - used to always have Thanksgiving with Hannah, and I never thought that I could love anybody else. And here it is years later and I'm married to you and completely in love with you. The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle, it really is, I - make a great story, I think, guy marries one sister, doesn't work out, many years later he winds up married to the other sister, it's. You know, to - how you gonna top that? Hmm.
Holly: Mickey.
Mickey: Mmm, what?
Holly: I'm pregnant.
-
Norma: How can you act when there's nothing inside to come out?
-
Dr. Wilkes: Well, yes, I guess the dark side of the spectrum is... uh... brain tumor.
-
Mickey: Why all of a sudden is the sketch dirty?
Ed Smythe: Child molestation is a touchy subject, and the affiliates...
Mickey: Read the papers, half the country's doing it!
Ed Smythe: Yes, but you name names.
Mickey: We never-we don't name names, we say "The Pope"!
-
Norma, Evan: [singing] A simpering, whimpering child again, Bewitched, bothered and bewildered...
-
Lee: She's flirting with all the men here.
Hannah: Maybe when she's 80 she'll stop straightening her garter belt.
-
Hannah: I invited Phil Gamisch tonight.
Holly: Oh, Hannah, he's such a loser!...
Hannah: He's not a loser at all. He's the headmaster at school.
Holly: Oh, perfect. He reminds me of Ichabod Crane. His Adam's apple keeps jumping up and down when he's excited.
-
Elliot: How's Frederick? He didn't come.
Lee: Oh, well, you know Frederick - one of his moods. Although it wasn't a bad week. He sold a picture.
Elliot: Oh, great.
Lee: Yeah. It was one of his better drawings, a very beautiful nude study. Actually it was of me. It's funny, you know, it's a funny feeling to know you're being hung naked in a stranger's living home. But you can't tell it's me, although - you're turning all red. Elliot.
Elliot: Really?
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Norma: [referencing Ibsen's "The Doll House"] I played Nora, I hate to tell you what year, and it's very difficult to behave like Torvald's "little chipmunk" without making a perfect *ass* out of yourself.
-
Frederick: There was a time when you were happy to be only with me. You wanted to learn about poetry, about music. Have I taught you everything I can give? I don't think so.
-
Frederick: I prefer to sell my work to people who appreciate it, not to Rock Stars.
-
Gail: Listen, in - instead of the child molestation sketch, why don't we repeat the Cardinal Spellman - Ronald Reagan homosexual dance number?
-
Mickey: He's a loser. He's awkward and clumsy like me. So, I like that. I always like an under-confident person.
-
Elliot: Where are you headed?
Lee: I was just going to my AA meeting.
Elliot: Oh, my God, why do you still go to those? You never touch alcohol.
Lee: Listen, you didn't know me before Frederick. I'd - I'd start with a beer at about 10 in the morning and - go on.
Elliot: You must've been very unhappy.
Lee: Unhappy and fat.
-
Elliot: You're so bright and charming and beautiful. I think to myself, "What problems could she possibly have?"
Lee: Don't let me get started on my childhood.
-
Elliot: How's Frederick?
Lee: Fine. Oh, we went to the Caravaggio exhibition at the Met. It's such a treat to go through a museum with Frederick. I mean, you learn so much. Do you like Caravaggio?
Elliot: Oh, yes, who doesn't? Look. E.E. Cummings. I'd like to get you this.
Lee: Oh, no. I can't let you get me that.
Elliot: Oh, yes. I'd like to very much.
Lee: No. I don't think so.
Elliot: I - I read a poem of you and thought of his last week. A poem of *his* and thought of *you*.
-
Dr. Smith: This doesn't mean you can't have a normal sex life; but, Mr. Saxe, tests indicate that he is infertile. Small sperm volume and infertile.
Mickey: Isn't there anything I can do? Pushups or hormones?
-
Mickey: [voiceover] So you had my ex-partner's baby. Twins. Maybe that did cause some trouble; but, I think we were drifting apart anyhow. Now, instead of man and wife we're good friends. Boy, love is *really* unpredictable.
-
Dusty: I got an Andy Warhol and a Frank Stella, too. Oh, it's very beautiful. Big, weird, you know. If you stare at that Stella too long, the colors just seem to float. It's kinda weird.
-
Lee: Isn't that beautiful?
Elliot: I know this. Bach F Minor Concerto. It's one of my favorites. Did you ever get around to E.E. Cummings?
Lee: Yes, he's just adorable. They have a large gay clientele, you know, where I get my teeth cleaned. All the hygienists now wear gloves; because, they're afraid of AIDS.
Elliot: Oh, right.
-
Norma: I knew that he'd get up there and he'd flounder around with his expensive haircuts, hairdos, and clothes. He's all show! Now, how could you act when there's nothing inside to come out?
-
Norma: All my life I've put up with insults from this - nonperson. This - this haircut that passes for a man.
-
Norma: Holly's game for anything. Holly takes after me.
Hannah: True.
Norma: I'd have been a great dope addict.
-
Mickey: [voiceover] It's over. I'm face to face with eternity. Not later, but now. I'm so frightened, I can't move or speak or breathe.
-
Mickey: Can you understand how meaningless everything is? Our lives, the show, the whole world.
-
Gail: Eventually, it is going to happen to all of us.
Mickey: Yes, but doesn't that ruin everything for you? That makes everything, you know, it takes the pleasure out of everything. I mean, you're gonna die, I'm gonna die, the audience is gonna die, the network's gonna, the sponsor, everything.
Gail: I know, I know, and your hamster.
Mickey: Yes!
-
Lee: I want you to take care of me. And I love when you do things to me.
-
Mickey: Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer. Of course, I was in love with Hannah. That didn't work out.
-
Bobby Short: [singing] Why am I, Just as reckless as a child? Why am I, Like a race horse runnin' wild? Why am I, In a state of ecstasy? The reason is cause something's happened to me, I'm in love again, And the Spring is comin', I'm in love again...
-
Holly: [sarcastically] What a swell time!
Mickey: Well, if you didn't like it, you didn't like it. But, you didn't have to talk while he was singing.
Holly: I was so bored!
Mickey: Yeah, that's tough. You don't deserve Cole Porter. You should stay with groups that look like they're gonna stab their mothers.
-
Holly: [singing] This year's fancies, Are passing fancies, But sighing sighs, holding hands, This my heart understands, I'm old-fashioned, And I don't mind it, It's how I want to be, As long as you'll agree, To stay old-fashioned with me...
-
April: [singing] Someday, When I'm awfully low, When the world is cold, I will get aglow, Just thinking of you, And the way you look tonight...
-
Father Flynn: Why do you think that you would like to convert to Catholicism?
Mickey: Well, because, you know, I gotta have something to believe in; otherwise, life is just meaningless.
Father Flynn: I understand. But, why did you make the decision to choose the Catholic faith?
Mickey: Well, you know, first of all, because it's a very beautiful religion. And it's a strong religion. It's very well-structured. You know, I'm talking now about the against school prayer, pro-abortion, anti-nuclear wing.
-
Father Flynn: So, at the moment you don't believe in God?
Mickey: No, and I want to. You know, I'm willing to do anything. I'll - you know - I'll dye Easter eggs, if it works.
-
Mickey: I need some evidence. I gotta have some proof. You know, If I can't believe God, then, I don't think life is worth living.
-
Mickey: Aren't you afraid of dying?
Mickey's Father: Why should I be afraid?
Mickey: Cause you won't exist!
Mickey's Father: So?
Mickey: That thought doesn't terrify you?
Mickey's Father: Who talks about such nonsense? Now, I'm alive. When I'm dead, I'll be dead.
Mickey: I don't understand. Aren't you frightened?
Mickey's Father: Of what? I'll be unconscious.
Mickey: I know, but, never to exist again?
Mickey's Father: How do you know?
Mickey: Well, it certainly doesn't look promising.
Mickey's Father: Who knows what'll be. I'll either be unconscious or I won't. If not, I'll deal with it then. I'm not gonna worry now.
-
Holly: What I decided to do is some writing. You know, I think I've had it with acting. You know, these meaningless auditions and cattle calls and I can't handle another rejection. Now, let's face it, here. I've got to latch on to something in my life! Something with a future. I'm not 16 anymore.
-
Elliot: I can't seem to take action. I'm like Hamlet unable to kill his Uncle.
-
Elliot: For all my education, accomplishments, and so-called wisdom, I can't fathom my own heart.
-
Norma: Sweetheart, I loved your script. It was so clever.
Holly: Ma, you're my mother. Not everybody's gonna be such a sucker.
Norma: I particularly liked the character of the mother. Just a boozy old flirt with a filthy mouth. I'm so proud.
-
Elliot: It's hard to be around someone who gives so much and - and needs so little in return!
-
Norma: Hannah, can I tell everybody you're gonna play Desdemona?
Hannah: Oh, Mom, it's only television.
Norma: It's public television. To me, Shakespeare doesn't get any greater than Othello. You with some big black stud. I love it!
Hannah and Her Sisters Quotes
Extended Reading
