Hall Pass Quotes

Rick: [Rick turns his head and see's a naked man's large penis, then looks to the other naked man] Do me a favor, Irish, switch places with this guy.

Naked Man #2: Why?

[Camera view moves down to the crotch of the naked man opposite him, revealing his tiny penis]

[Fred is moaning, the male cop knocks on the window]

Male Cop: Are you okay?

Grace: Don't worry. This isn't what it looks like.

Fred: Yeah, it isn't.

Grace: I was giving him a faux-job.

Male Cop: A faux-job?

Female Cop: Yeah, that's when a woman goes south on a man but she doesn't use her mouth. So she uses her hands and makes noises.

Fred: Wait, what?

Rick: How about her?

Coakley: No, the tall blonde surrounds herself with a less attractive women to make herself look good.

Rick: Really?

Coakley: [as he moves his hands] Check this out. Hot, not.

Rick: That's awesome. You're like A Beautiful Mind.

Coakley: That girl in the black is checking you out.

Fred: The one who looks like the chief from Cuckoo's Nest?

Coakley: No, the one sitting next to her.

Hog-Head: I gotta go home and poo.

Flats: Why can't you just go here?

Hog-Head: Ooh. Pretty sure I'm gonna need a bath after.

Coakley: [to Fred] Where're you going? You found your dream girl, now take her back to the hotel and... take care of business!

Fred: We don't have a lot in common, I can't even talk to her!

Coakley: Talk to her? Fred, what do you want? A pen-pal, or a poon-pal?

Fred: I only got one shot at this, okay? I think I can do better!

Coakley: Every loser in Vegas thinks they can do better! You know what winners do? They walk away from the table while they're up!

[Rick bursts in on Fred doing fake chow to Meg]

Rick: Fred, we need to talk.

Aunt Meg: [to Fred] Fred? I thought you were Rick!

Rick: No, I'M Rick!

Aunt Meg: What?

Fred: Please don't judge me...

[Meg kicks his nose and breaks it]

[Brent defaces Fred's car after Rick drove in it]

Brent: [to Rick] How do you like me now, golden boy?

Fred: Moron, this is MY car!

Brent: Oh, this is your car?

Fred: Yeah!

Brent: Oh, I'm so sorry...

[smashes a window]

Brent: Does it look like I give a shit, pudgy boy?

Fred: [to Rick] Why am I pudgy boy?

Maggie: The way I see it, husbands are like a couple of cats. They're completely domesticated, and the first time you let them out they're so paralyzed with fear they'll come running back inside.

Grace: Yeah. But we're not talking about cats, we're talking about dogs!

Rick: Maybe we should call the girls and ask them to come home.

Fred: Wait a second, you want to quit?

Rick: Fred, come on. We're not the same guys we were fifteen years ago, when we were single. We've changed.

Fred: No, YOU've changed. All you're thinking about is yourself.

Rick: Fred, I don't care! I'm exhausted! I want to go home! I miss my wife and kids, okay?

Fred: No, no, no, no, no! Let me explain something to you, okay? If Maggie and Grace find out that we can't get laid on our own, they'll start thinking that we need them to get laid! Do you realize what that'll do to the balance of power in our homes?

[a drunken Fred bumps into a girl wearing the Stars and Stripes on her pants]

Fred: Oh hey Betsy Ross, you need a pole for that flag?

[Her gargantuan boyfriend gets up]

Fred: Oh, what's the matter, you cant get any bigger you little bitch?

[KO]

Paige: Where are you going?

Fred: Page, you're my babysitter. Have a happy birthday!

[leaves]

Paige: Well, my aunt Meg wants to meet you...

Rick: We let down the male species, you know that?

Fred: Maybe you were right. Maybe we should call it a day, just ask the girls to come home.

Rick: NO! I want the Hall Pass, okay? At first I wasn't sure, but now I know I want it.

Fred: I don't even know what the dream is anymore...

Rick: I'll tell you what it is: I want to remember what it feels like to be with someone who really WANTS to be with me, out of pure desire, not because they HAVE to out of some sense of duty.

Fred: [just off the phone] God just sent us an angel from Heaven. Coakley's back in town.

Rick: What?

Fred: Yeah! And he wants to hang, and he wants to bang!

Rick: [after seeing Brent vandalize Fred's car] Take it easy, okay? Relax!

Brent: No! YOU take it easy! You think you can just come into my club and take my girl, and get away with it? No. Not tonight, buddy. Fuck, no! You're not gonna get away with it! NEVER! EVER!

Meg: [appears with Paige] Brent?

Brent: Mother? What are you doing here?

Fred: Wait wait wait. Aunt Meg is your mom?

Brent: [to Meg] How does he know your name?

Meg: Well, we, uh...

Brent: [shocked] What? No. No. No. No. Are you telling me that this 40-hour-a-week motherfucking soccer dad took my girl, and his flabby asshole... my MOTHER?

Fred: No! No, no, no! I didn't have sex with your mom! All I did was fake chow her! All right?

Rick: It's true!

Brent: [drops his crowbar] That's it. You two are dead men!

[pulls out a gun]

Fred: WHOA! HE'S GOT A GUN!

Meg: Brent, where did you get that?

Brent: Grandpa's closet!

Rick: Do you recognize who this stud is in the blue shorts right here? That's me the summer I got out of college.

Emma: Wow, dad, you used to have muscles!

Rick: Well, I've still got a few.

Gunnar: Where?

Rick: They're hibernating.

Emma: Who's that girl?

Rick: That's mommy.

Emma: No, the young one standing next to you.

Rick: That's mommy.

Emma: How come mommy doesn't wear a bikini anymore?

Gunnar: Is that because of her fat ass?

Rick: [sadly] Yeah, I guess.