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Sheriff Ledbetter: Remember, Mrs. Farmer. Whenever you buy a house, whatever's in the ground belongs to you - whether it's gold or oil... or Claude Musselman.
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Andy Farmer: We came to Redbud filled with hopes and dreams of a better life. And basically, we've seen those hopes and dreams crushed and battered before our very eyes.
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Andy Farmer: Being a fake is what I do best.
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Elizabeth Farmer: I'm convinced that our marriage has been one of mutual betrayals. I know it! YOU know it! Even Yellow Dog knows it!
Andy Farmer: I know it and you know it. Yellow Dog doesn't even know what town he's in.
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Andy Farmer: [Andy and Elizabeth are showing Redbud to prospective buyers Bud and Betsy after hiring the town to "act normal"] This is going to cost us a fortune!
Elizabeth Farmer: The fifty-dollar bonus was YOUR idea.
Andy Farmer: [smiling] Little slice of heaven, isn't it, Bud?
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Andy Farmer: As a novelist, I turned out to be a pretty good sportswriter.
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Andy Farmer: Call me Mr. Lamb Fries!
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Elizabeth Farmer: What's going on, Andy...? You're sinking into a pit of self-pity, defeatism, and alcohol... and you're enjoying it!
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Andy Farmer: Cue the deer.
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Crocker: [reacting to Andy's anger about them, the movers, being late] You slept on the floor huh? We slept outside with the bugs and the wild animals. A bridge nearly killed us. Nobody knows where the hell Redbud is. And we haven't eaten since yesterday morning. So stay the hell out of our way and keep your mouth *shut*!
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Andy Farmer: I want a Goddamn refund!
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Andy Farmer: You don't know a thing about writing. You're a Goddamn schoolteacher.
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Newspaper Editor: Andy, all my life I've dreamed of packing up and leaving the city and the newspaper business behind.
Reporter: What stopped you, Jack?
Newspaper Editor: And moving to some quiet little town in the country and putting down on paper the novel I know I have inside me.
Reporter: That's not a novel, Jack, its heartburn.
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Mickey: This ain't a bridge. It's termites holding hands.
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Crocker: [Driver of the moving van] You still got that map?
Mickey: Yeah.
Crocker: Don't lose it. It might be the piece of evidence that gets me off a murder charge.
Mickey: Who you gonna kill?
Crocker: The S.O.B. who drew that map.
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Elizabeth Farmer: When they say hardwood floors, what they really mean is hard, wood floors.
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Reporter: Hey Andy, what's the book gonna be about, anyway?
Andy Farmer: About 300 pages, Harry.
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Restauranteur: This is great, nobody has a taste for testicles anymore!
Old Character: That's what you've been eating, sonny. Sheep balls!
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[spotting a dog farm sign on the road]
Andy Farmer: If I can't make a friend, I'll goddamn buy one!
Funny Farm Quotes
Extended Reading
