Fun with Dick and Jane Quotes

Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?

Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...

Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!

[first lines]

Dick Harper: Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.

[traffic light turns]

Dick Harper: Oh, no!

Title card: Run, Dick, Run

Dick Harper: Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. It's basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.

[first title cards]

Title card: A long, long time ago...

Title card: in the year 2000...

Title card: Meet Dick

Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?

Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?

[Frank exhales into Dick's face]

[last lines]

Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?

Dick Harper: Nice.

Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.

Dick Harper: Yeah?

Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!

Dick Harper: Huh.

Dick Harper: I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.

Frank Bascom: Right, I'll stall her.

[Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]

Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?

Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] What's wrong with me? You're the one parked in a handicapped space!

Karen Williams: That's not a handicapped space!

Frank Bascom: It is now!

Dick Harper: Son of a bitch!

Jane Harper: That fucker!

Dick Harper: Hon, language.

Kostmart Training Leader: I'll sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.

[snaps]

Kostmart Training Leader: Thank you Jesus!

[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]

Blanca: What's a matter, Retard?

Dick Harper: Call me Dick.

Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.

INS Agent: Save it.

[dragging Dick to deportation bus]

Dick Harper: No, call my wife... It's ringing

Billy Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?

Jack McCallister: Did I get it?

Jack's Assistant: [Shoots his gun] Now you did.

Dick Harper: Billy tell your father he's a winner.

Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.

Dick Harper: see?

Billy Harper: SI!

Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?

Jane Harper: Dick?

Dick Harper: [screaming] Indicted!

Jane Harper: Dick, its gonna' be alright.

Dick Harper: [starts running around house screaming] Indicted, Indicted, I'm being Indicted!

Jane Harper: [Yells to him in a different room] Dick calm down.

Dick Harper: [Runs back in to bedroom]

[In pitiful voice]

Dick Harper: I can't calm down, I'm being indicted...

Jane Harper: I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad?

Dick Harper: No. Just... different.

Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?

Dick Harper: [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.

Jack McCallister: What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?

Dick Harper: Write me a check.

Jack McCallister: You are kidding me.

Jane Harper: Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.

Dick Harper: [eyes watering, getting emotional] I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.

Jack McCallister: ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.

Dick Harper: Gladly.

[releases grip]

Jack McCallister: Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.

[hands him a check for $100]

Jack McCallister: Y'all take care now.

[McCallister leaves; Jane approaches a dejected Dick tenderly]

Jane Harper: Honey... sweetie... give me the squirt gun.

Dick Harper: [not looking at her] Do you still have McCallister's form?

Jane Harper: Yeah, why?

[Dick looks up at her holding McCallister's check]

Dick Harper: Because I just got his signature.

[He holds up a fountain pen]

Dick Harper: Weren't you an art major?

[Jane realizes that, just like McCallister, she's been had by Dick]

Jane Harper: [quietly excited] Dick Harper! I was completely fooled! I didn't know you could act!

Dick Harper: Hon. In 10th grade, I played Biff in "Death of a Salesman". See how I got my eyes all watering up? Yes, sir. It's all right there.

[repeated line]

Oz Peterson: Son of a bitch!

[At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because he's being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]

Dick Harper: [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! I'm a corporate puppet...

[blathers again]

Dick Harper: ...and I'm going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without bein' manipulative...

Dick Harper: [regular voice] by the bullshit!

Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?

Bill: Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.

[as they are arrested for their failed bank robbery]

Oz Peterson: Honey? Honey! I love you!

Debbie: You quitter! We had hostages!

Dick Harper: [composing letter] "It has come to our attention that certain departments have begunn to run into situations." Situations.

Dick's Secretary: The big boys want to see you upstairs.

Dick Harper: Which floor? Twentieth?

Dick's Secretary: [smiles, shakes head]

Dick Harper: Twenty-sixth?

Dick's Secretary: [shakes head]

Dick Harper: Thirty-second?

Dick's Secretary: [smiles, motions upwards]

Dick Harper: Not the 51st?

Dick's Secretary: Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Harper.

Dick Harper: [giggles] Uh, go ahead and wrap this up.

Dick's Secretary: Ok.

Dick Harper: How do I look?

Dick's Secretary: Great.

Dick Harper: Anything in my teeth?

Dick's Secretary: No.

Dick Harper: [through clenched teeth] I need a paper bag.

Dick Harper: [singing in elevator to self] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

Dick Harper: Every night and every cloudy day

[drums elevator panel]

Dick Harper: spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. Catch me goin' through that open do-o-o-r. I believe I can fly-i-i-i.

Dick Harper: [low voice, man walks by elevator and looks incredulously] I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! I believe! Ooow!

[elevator dings, Dick steps out as though nothing happened]

Jane Harper: [sees her lawn getting repossessed] Hector, what's going on? What, what happened?

Hector: Your check go bouncy-bounce. But it's okay, I heard what happened to your husband. Not everybody can afford landscaping like this.

Jane Harper: Hector, please!

Hector: I am sorry, Miss Jane.

Jane Harper: [sees her neighbor] Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO! This is all- everything is all WRONG! I want this out. Roll it all up! I ordered Kentucky Bluegrass! This! Is! GREEN!

Ameribanx Bank Manager: Let me get back to you. Excuse me.

Dick Harper: Yes?

Ameribanx Bank Manager: May I help you?

Dick Harper: Vault Inspector

Ameribanx Bank Manager: What happened to Phil?

Dick Harper: Necrotizing Fasciitis Caused by an invasive streptococcus

Ameribanx Bank Manager: What?

Dick Harper: Flesh-eating disorder. Its all over the money. Might wanna wash your hands.

[brainstorming ways to come up with money]

Dick Harper: Well... there's always prostitution.

Jane Harper: Dick!

Dick Harper: I mean me.