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Hero: Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions?
Bartender: Yeah. Who the hell are you?
Hero: I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.
[a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him]
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[after trapping one of the creatures]
Bozo: We're okay.
[hears another creature growling]
Bozo: Scratch that.
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Coach: Oh dear.
Honey Pie: What? What's he doing?
Bozo: They're humping!
Beer Guy: Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.
Hot Wheels: Monster sex.
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Bartender: C'mon, I'll take you to your car.
Honey Pie: [as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar] Not tonight. I have an escort.
Bartender: That'll be eighteen bucks, pal.
Bartender: [Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab] Guess I'll just keep this open.
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Honey Pie: [Notices Bozo and Hot Wheels have been watching her undress, wash blood off] Act like you've had some.
Bozo: Oh, I've had some, baby.
Hot Wheels: [voice cracking] I haven't.
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Honey Pie: [Re: first monster trapped and killed] Jeez, it took all that? All those bullets?
Beer Guy: That's the LITTLE one? We can't fight these things! No way!
Heroine: We can still fight them. We just gotta be clever.
Coach: Maybe we don't have to fight them at all.
Bozo: Yeah, why don't we just call 'em names.
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Bozo: Any more ideas, Animal Planet?
Coach: I-I was just being proactive!
Bartender: Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...
Bozo: Oh, go douche, Grandpa!
Beer Guy: What now?
Tuffy: We're stuck in here, that's what.
-
Bozo: YOU!
Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?
Bozo: You know somethin'!
Grandma: Huh?
Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma: I don't know a thing.
Bartender: Easy there...
Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma: No... really... I don't...
Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!
Heroine: Relax. She doesn't know anything.
Bozo: Yeah... allegedly.
-
Bozo: [Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window] Okay! I'm ready to come out now!
Bartender: [Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock] Oh.
Bozo: [Panicking, rattling doorknob] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"?
Coach: [Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit] Cheese and crackers.
-
Coach: [Both peering outside through secret hatch door in the dark basement] You know, you and I have a lot of similarities. Strong. Resolute...
Heroine: You need to be quiet.
Coach: I'm sorry. I talk when I'm nervous.
Heroine: Quiet.
Coach: It's just, it's been a while since someone's been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be... well... offed.
Heroine: What did I say? Shh.
Coach: Sorry. I'm done now.
Coach: [Hoisting himself out the hatch door] Great men will tell of my bravery.
-
Coach: Whoa. Monster cock.
-
Beer Guy: I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is.
-
Coach: We got your front, bro.
Bozo: It's your back, we got your back.
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[first lines]
Finger Girl: [laughing] Asshole!
Drunk Girl: Look out, Bozo!
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[last lines]
Heroine: You know, her little girl's not far from here... Wanna get her?
Hot Wheels: What the fuck are you talking about?
Bozo: Shut up.
-
Honey Pie: Not from around here, are ya?
Coach: What gave me away?
Honey Pie: You have all you teeth.
-
Coach: If they can't reproduce, then we're one step closer. A big step. Now is the time to band together. We need to rise up against these creatures of the night. These monsters are no match for the human spirit. We can do it. We just need to believe in each other, believe in all of us. We need to make a stand. Right here, right now.
Bozo: Dude... are you gay?
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Bozo. Job: Not Likely. Occupation: Town Jackass. Life Expectancy: Dead by Dawn.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Harley Mom. Fun Fact: Robbing Bar in Ten Minutes. Life Expectancy: Wild Card.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Hot Wheels. Occupation: Selling Fireworks to 7th Graders. Life Expectancy: They Wouldn't Kill a Cripple, Would They?
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Coach. Occupation: Motivational Speaker. Reputation: The Poor Man's Tony Robbins. Life Expectancy: Stay Far, Far Away.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Grandma. Fun Fact: Blew Mick Jagger... Recently. Life Expectancy: May Be Dead Already.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Jason Mewes. Occupation: Actor. Life Expectancy: Already Surpassed Expectations.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Beer Guy. Occupation: Beer Guy & Part-Time Host at Red Lobster. Life Expectancy: Losers and Dorks Go First... He's Both.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Bartender. Fun Fact: Shot 4 Times, Stabbed 6 Times, Bit By 1 Squirrel. Life Expectancy: Horrifying Death in 70 Minutes.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Tuffy. Occupation: Career Waitress. Job: Single Mom. Life Expectancy: Expects Nothing From Life.
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Bartender: Where you headin'?
Vet: I'm going home.
Bartender: Yeah?
Vet: I'm gonna go home, kiss my wife, be back on the frontlines as soon as they'll have me.
Bartender: That's truly righteous, man.
Vet: You don't know my wife.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Vet. Fun Fact: Has Never Had Fun. Life Expectancy: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Bossman. Vibe: Mean, Stoned and Horny. Life Expectancy: Regular or Extra Crispy?
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Honey Pie. Occupation: Actress/Singer/Dancer/Model. Fun Fact: Dying to Get Out of Town. Life Expectancy: May Get Her Wish.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Cody Occupation: Tax Break. Skill: Can Fit Into Tight Spaces. Life Expectancy: A Wonderful, Full Life.
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Hero Occupation: Kicking Ass Life Expectancy: Pretty Fucking Good
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Introductory Title Cards: Name: Heroine. Occupation: Wear Tanktop, Tote Shotgun, Save Day. Life Expectancy: Hopefully Better Than the Last Hero.
Feast Quotes
Extended Reading
