Fantastic Mr. Fox Quotes

Mr. Fox: Alright, let's start planning. Who knows shorthand?

[Linda raises her hand]

Mr. Fox: Great! Linda! Lutra Lutra - you got some dry paper?

[she holds up some paper]

Mr. Fox: Here we go. Mole! Talpa Europea! What d'you got?

Mole: I can see in the dark.

Mr. Fox: That's incredible! We can use that! Linda?

Linda Otter: Got it.

Mr. Fox: Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus!

Rabbit: I'm fast.

Mr. Fox: You bet you are. Linda?

Linda Otter: Got it.

Mr. Fox: Beaver! Castor Fiber!

Beaver: I can chew through wood.

Mr. Fox: Amazing! Linda!

Linda Otter: Got it.

Mr. Fox: Badger! Meles Meles!

Badger: Demolitions expert.

Mr. Fox: What? Since when?

Badger: Explosions! Flames! Burning things!

Mr. Fox: Demolitions expert! OK! Linda?

Linda Otter: Got it.

Mr. Fox: [grabs Weasel] WEASEL! MUSTELA NIVALIS!

Weasel: Stop yelling!

Mr. Fox: Ha! Ha-ha! Whoo! Okay. Ash, you and Agnes team up with these little kids and form some KP unit to keep this sewer clean. It's good for morale.

Ash: Done.

[turns to Agnes]

Ash: What's KP?

Agnes: I think it means janitors.

[Ash spits]

Field Mouse: Hey-hey! I wanna go with you! I wanna fight!

Mr. Fox: Good, fabulous! Microtus pennsylvanicus!

[the field mouse laughs]

Mrs. Fox: [sees her husband, Kris and Kylie sneaking through the kitchen] Another book party?

Mr. Fox: [surprised] Oh! I didn't see you sitting in the dark over there.

[grins sheepishly]

Mr. Fox: Yeah! No actually, there's a fire. I just got the call; they said maybe it's arson. I've got to interview the marshal and see if it's...

Mrs. Fox: [turns on the light] Kylie, is he telling the truth?

Kylie: I... I don't want to be put into the middle of this!

Mr. Fox: Thanks, Kylie.

Mrs. Fox: Why is he wearing that bandit hat?

[points at Kris, wearing a bandit hat]

Mr. Fox: His ears were cold. He's not with us.

[to Kris]

Mr. Fox: Go back to bed.

[Kris leaves and closes the door]

Mrs. Fox: If what I think is happening, IS happening... it better not be.

[from trailer]

Mrs. Fox: You know, you really are... fantastic.

Mr. Fox: I try.

[from trailer]

Mr. Fox: [looking at an electric fence] Huh. This could be difficult.

Squirrel: It's fatal for humans, but we got enough fur to keep the voltage from getting to us. Let's go!

Ash: You should probably put your bandit hat on now. Personally, I- I don't have one, but I modified this tube sock.

[they put on their 'hats']

Kristofferson: We look good.

Ash: Yeah. We do.

Mr. Fox: [sighs] Who am I, Kylie?

Kylie: Who how? What now?

Mr. Fox: Why a fox? Why not a horse, or a beetle, or a bald eagle? I'm saying this more as, like, existentialism, you know? Who am I? And how can a fox ever be happy without, you'll forgive the expression, a chicken in its teeth?

Kylie: I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds illegal.

[from trailer]

Mr. Fox: Honey, I am seven non-fox years old. My father died at seven and a half. I don't want to live in a hole anymore, and I'm going to do something about it.

[tears into his toast in an animalistic manner]

Badger: In summation, I think you just got to not do it, man. That's all.

Mr. Fox: I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.

Badger: The cuss you are.

Mr. Fox: The cuss am I? Are you cussing with me?

Badger: No, you cussing with me?

Mr. Fox: Don't cussing point at me!

Badger: If you're gonna cuss with somebody, you're not gonna cuss with me, you little cuss!

Mr. Fox: You're not gonna cuss with me!

[Both start snarling at each other, and then settle down]

Mr. Fox: Just buy the tree.

Badger: Okay.

[Coach Skip is teaching Kristofferson the rules of Whackbat]

Coach Skip: Basically, there's three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners, and a player at Whackbat. Center tagger lights a pine cone and chucks it over the basket and the whack-batter tries to hit the cedar stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls hotbox. Finally, you count up however many score-downs it adds up to and divide that by nine.

Kristofferson: Got it.

Beaver's Son: We don't like you and we hate your dad. Now grab some of that mud, chew it in your mouth, and swallow it.

Ash: I'm not gonna eat mud!

Beaver's Son: Cuss yeah you are.

[he picks up a large glob of mud and shoves it in Ash's face. Ash makes a gagging sound but does not react further]

Kristofferson: [takes off his shoes] Don't do that.

Beaver's Son: Why'd you take your shoes off?

Kristofferson: So I don't break your nose when I kick it.

[he proceeds to take Beaver's son out with some precision karate moves, ending with a throwdown in the mud. Beaver's son walks away quietly sobbing]

Ash: I can fight my own fights.

Kristofferson: [turns to Ash] No you can't...

Rat: Look at you, girl! You're still as fine looking as a creme brulee!

Mrs. Fox: Excuse me? Am I being flirted with by a psychotic rat?

Mr. Fox: A Titanium Card?

[whistles]

Mr. Fox: How did you qualify for this?

Kylie: I pay my bills on time. I've always had good credits

Rat: The boy is being held in an apple crate on top of a gun cabinet in the attic of Bean Annex.

Mr. Fox: Would you have told me if I hadn't killed you first?

Rat: Never.

Mr. Fox: The whole time I was putting paw over paw with your mother digging beside me, and I thought to myself: I wonder who this little boy...

Ash: Or girl!

Mr. Fox: Right, 'cause at the time we didn't know. I wonder who this little boy or girl is gonna be? Ash, I'm so glad he was you.

Petey: [singing around a campfire with his banjo] 'Bout a handsome little fox let me sing you folks a yarn. / Hey, diddle-dee daddle-da doddle-do doodle-dum! / 'Twas a splendid little feller full of wit 'n' grace 'n' charm. / Say, zippy-zee zappa-za yappy-yo doodle-dum! / Well, like any little critter needin' vittels for his littl'uns, / Well, he stole, and he cheated, and he lied just to survive. / With a doodle-dum diddle-die doddle-diddle doodle-dum!

Other singers: Doodle-dum diddle-die doddle-diddle doodle-dum!

Petey: Zippy-zo zippy-zay zippy-zappy zoopy-zee!

Other singers: Zippy-zo zippy-zay zippy-zappy zoopy-zee!

Petey: Doo-dah doo-day day...

Petey: Let me take a little tick now to color in the scene: / 'Cross the valley lived three yokels name of Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. / Now these three crazy jackies had our hero on the run. / Shot the tail off the cuss with a fox-shootin' gun. / But that stylish little fox was as clever as a whip / Dug as quick as a gopher that was hyper-ack-a-tive.

Other singers: Yeah!

Petey: Now those three farmers sit 'twhere there's a hole 'twas once a hill. / Singin' diddle-dee daddle-da doddle-do doodle-dum! / And as far as I can reckon they're a-settin' up there still. Singin' zippy-zee zappa-za yappy-yo...

Franklin Bean: [standing behind him] What are you singing, Petey?

Petey: Just... just making it up as I went- as I went along, really.

Franklin Bean: That's just weak songwriting. You wrote a bad song, Petey!

Kristofferson: Uh, do you mind if I slide my bed roll slightly out from under the train set? It's hard to sleep in that corkscrew position.

Ash: [in the top bunk] There's a lot of attitudes going on around here. Don't let me get one.

Kristofferson: No, it's only just my spinal cord getting...

Ash: Sleep wherever you want, man. Here, take my bed! I'll just uh... I'll crawl under the bookcase! Who cares if I get splinters in my ears?

Kristofferson: Never mind.

Ash: Oh, you gonna pout about it? 'Cuz I've had it up to HERE

[gestures with his hand]

Ash: with the "sad houseguest" routine.

[Ash turns off the light and continues to read his White Cape comic in bed]

Kristofferson: Good night.

[he lies down under the train set and begins to quietly sob; Ash comes down, turns on the train, Kris gets up and they watch it]

Beaver's Son: [lays down a box of supplies during a Science lab class] Why's your cousin such a wet sandwich?

Kristofferson: I beg your pardon?

Beaver's Son: What's that mean?

Kristofferson: That means that I don't understand what you just said. A wet sandwich?

Beaver's Son: Yeah! A wet sandwich. He's too short, he dresses like a girl, he's

[makes a motion with his hands]

Beaver's Son: different.

Kristofferson: Are you a bully? You're starting to sound like a bully.

Beaver's Son: Watch this.

[he takes a spoonful of yellow powder and drops it into the bubbling liquid over a Bunsen burner; it explodes and covers both of them in the yellow substance]

Kristofferson: That's... you just destroyed the whole experiment. We'd better extinguish this magnesium.

[they raise their safety goggles]

Kristofferson: Stand back.

[Kris sprays the fire with an extinguisher]

Agnes: [watching from a few feet away] Wow.

Kristofferson: [whistles] Whew!

Agnes: [to Kris] Hmm. I like your ears.

[gestures to her own]

Kristofferson: M... Mine?

Agnes: Mmhmm.

Kristofferson: Thank you! I like your... spots.

Agnes: Really? I used to cover them up, but, you know...

Ash: Ugh.

[scoffs]

Agnes: Hmm?

Ash: You're supposed to be *my* lab partner.

Agnes: I am!

Ash: No you're not. You're disloyal.

Mr. Fox: I love you, Felicity.

Mrs. Fox: I love you too. But I shouldn't have married you.

Mr. Fox: Ash, are you mad at me? I understand if you are and I'm sorry; I wouldn't have ever involved your cousin if I had realized you would feel this way. It was only ever just because he's kind of a natural... I mean... I mean look at him dig!

[View changes to Kristofferson, Kylie and Mrs. Fox digging, with Kristofferson leading with athletic determination, then switches back]

Mr. Fox: Anyway, I'm sorry if you feel any...

Ash: [as he shoves dirt in his ears] You know what? I'm just gonna put dirt in my ears. Ow... That's better. I can't hear you now, but keep talking.

Ash: Can I ask you a question?

Kristofferson: You may.

Ash: What's the point of sitting on the floor with your legs twisted into a pretzel talking to yourself for an hour and forty-five minutes? It's - it's weird.

Kristofferson: My father and I first started practicing meditation together when I was...

Ash: Yeah? Well, that's great. But I worry more about what that does for your reputation than whether or not you have beagle ticks or not.

Kristofferson: I don't. Nor pelt lice.

Mrs. Fox: I'm going to lose my temper now.

Mr. Fox: When?

Mrs. Fox: Right now.

Mr. Fox: Well, when...

[Mrs Fox slashes his face]

Mr. Fox: OW!

Mrs. Fox: Twelve fox years ago, you made a promise to me, while we were caged inside that fox trap, that if we survived, you would never steal another chicken, turkey, goose, duck, or a squab - whatever they are, and I believed you. Why? Why did you lie to me?

Mr. Fox: Because I'm a wild animal.

Mrs. Fox: You are also a husband and a father.

Mr. Fox: I'm trying to tell you the truth about myself.

Mrs. Fox: I don't care about the truth about yourself. This story is too predictable.

Mr. Fox: Predictable? Really? What happens in the end?

Mrs. Fox: In the end, we all die. Unless you change.

Mr. Fox: In a way, I'm almost glad that flood interrupted us because I don't like the toast I was giving. I'm gonna start over.

Mr. Fox: When I look down this table, with the exquisite feast set before us, I see: two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today. Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time, Who knows? I tend to doubt it.

Mr. Fox: When I look down this table, with the exquisite feast set before us, I see: two terrific lawyers, a skilled pediatrician, a wonderful chef, a savvy real estate agent, an excellent tailor, a crack accountant, a gifted musician, pretty good minnow fisherman, and possibly the best landscape painter working on the scene today. Maybe a few of you might even read my column from time to time, Who knows? I tend to doubt it.

[pause]

Mr. Fox: I also see a room full of wild animals. Wild animals, with true natures and pure talents. Wild animals with scientific-sounding Latin names that mean something about our DNA. Wild animals each with his own strengths and weaknesses due to his or her species.

Mr. Fox: Anyway, I think it may very well be all the beautiful differences among us that might just give us the tiniest glimmer of a chance of saving my nephew, and letting me make it up to you for getting us into this, this crazy... whatever it is. I don't know. It's just a thought. Thank you for listening. Cheers, everyone.

[mimics draining an imaginary glass and smashing it to the floor]

Kylie: Let's eat!

[everyone stares at Kylie]

Kylie: What? I was just playin' along with the bit he was doing...

Ash: [points to a sign Agnes carries] What's that stand for?

Agnes: Huh? It's for, uh, it's for pep... pep.

Ash: It's a K.

Coach Skip: [runs into frame, grabs a bottle from the cooler; to players] Come on, now! Look alive!

[to score-keeper]

Coach Skip: 'Atta boy.

[runs out of frame]

Agnes: [to Ash, about Kristofferson] We're going steady.

[Ash exclaims angrily]

Mr. Fox: I spotted a couple of broken burglar bars underneath the back door to Bean's secret cider cellar.

Kylie: We're breaking into Bean's *house*?

Mr. Fox: Cellar.

Kylie: Where he *lives*?

Mr. Fox: Where he keeps the cider.

Ash: [appears behind them] *Below* where he lives.

Mr. Fox: [takes] Where'd you come from? Why don't you go back to the tree and do your homework?

Ash: I want to help you steal some cider.

Mr. Fox: *We're* going to a *book* party, and keep your mouth shut about any cider, because no one ever said that! Now get out of here!

Ash: But, ah...

Mr. Fox: But nothing! You're gonna get me in a lot of trouble! Besides, you're too little and uncoordinated.

[Ash frowns, twitches, and spits]

Mr. Fox: One, two, three!

[Mr. Fox points in the direction of the tree. Ash stomps off, growling]

Ash: [Mr. Fox has just lost his tail in the shooting] It'll grow back, won't it?

Kylie: Tails don't grow back.

Ash: Tails don't grow back?

Kylie: Uh-uh. 'Cept for lizards.

Mr. Fox: Tails don't grow back. I'm gonna be tail-less for the rest of my life.

Ash: Well, anyway, it's not half as bad as double pneumonia, right? I mean his dad's got one foot in the grave and three feet on a banana peel. That's a lot worse than just a...

Kristofferson: [ricochets an acorn around the room, which lands in the teacup he is holding] Excuse me, everyone. I'm gonna go meditate for half an hour.

[exits quickly]

Mrs. Fox: [to Ash] You have got twenty-nine minutes to come up with a proper apology.

Ash: Me? ME have an apology? He gets a bandit hat? He just got here, and he gets a bandit hat? Where's MY bandit hat? Why didn't I get shot at? It's because, you... you... you think I'm no good at anything! Well, maybe you're right, thanks.

[stomps away angrily and slams door upon exit]

Kylie: [to Mr. Fox] Told ya not to bring him.

Mrs. Fox: [to Ash] We're all different.

[indicates Mr. Fox]

Mrs. Fox: Especially him. But there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there?

Ash: What's that white stuff around his mouth?

Kylie: I think he eats soap.

Mr. Fox: That's not soap.

Kylie: Wha- why does he have that...

Mr. Fox: He's rabid. With rabies.

Mole: I just want to see... a little sunshine.

Mr. Fox: But you're nocturnal, Phil. Your eyes barely open on a good day.

Mole: I'm sick of your double talk, we have rights!

Mr. Fox: [after animals have dug through the wall] You scared the cuss out of us!

Badger: A lot of good animals...

[starts screaming]

Badger: ... are probably going to die, because of you! Half the woods have been obliterated, nobody can get out, and right now, my wife is at the bottom of a flint mine with no food, no water, and 27 starving animal brats!

[Mr. Fox prepares for the final showdown with the farmers]

Mr. Fox: Your tractors uprooted my tree. Your posse hunted my family. Your gunmen kidnapped my nephew. Your rat insulted my wife - and you shot off my tail. I'm not leaving here without that necktie.

Franklin Bean: Kill him!

[the Fox family ducks under a hail of gunfire. Pause while the farmers all reload]

Mr. Fox: Actually, we should just go. Where'd I park?

[first lines]

Mr. Fox: What'd the doctor say?

Mrs. Fox: Nothing. Supposedly it's just a 24-hour bug. He gave me some pills.

Mr. Fox: I told you, you probably just ate some bad gristle.

Mrs. Fox: If we're still alive in the morning I want you to find another line of work.

Mr. Fox: Okay.

Title Card: Two years later - 12 fox-years.

Mr. Fox: [Mr. Fox on a motorcycle speaking to a wolf off on a distant ridge] Where did you come from?

Mr. Fox: What are you doing here?

Mr. Fox: I don't think he speaks English or Latin

Mr. Fox: Pensez-vous que l'hiver sera rude?

Mr. Fox: [as an aside to Ash, Kris, and Kylie in the motorcycle] I'm asking if he thinks we're in for a hard winter.

Mr. Fox: I have a phobia of wolves.

Mr. Fox: What a beautiful creature.

Mr. Fox: [as an aside to Ash, Kris, and Kyle in the motorcycle] Wish him luck boys.

Badger: [opens letter from Boggis,Bunce and Bean] Why did they write this in letters cut out of magazines?

Kylie: To protect their identities. Oh, right, but then why did they sign their names? Plus, we already know who they are, because they're trying to kill us.

Kylie: Hey, I didn't get a job yet, or a Latin name. What's my strength?

Mr. Fox: Listen, you're Kylie. You're an unbelievably nice guy. Your job is really, just to... be available, I think. I don't know your Latin name. I doubt they even had opossums in Ancient Rome.

Mr. Fox: Wake up, everybody, they're digging us out!

Mrs. Fox: They'll kill the children!

Mr. Fox: Over my dead body they will!

Mrs. Fox: That's what I'm saying, you'd be dead too in that scenario!

Mr. Fox: Well, I'm arguing against that!

Mrs. Fox: What are you talking about?

Mr. Fox: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

Kylie: STOP, STOP, STOP! You say one thing, she says another, and it all changes back again!

Franklin Bean: Any fox problems?

Walter Boggis: Are you joking?

Nathan Bunce: It's horrible!

Walter Boggis: We're miserable!

Nathan Bunce: He's laughing at us!

Walter Boggis: It's humiliating!

Nathan Bunce: We're furious!

Walter Boggis: I don't even want to talk about it.

Franklin Bean: [drinks a glass of cider] Perhaps we ought to kill him.

Walter Boggis: Well, that seems rather obvious.

Nathan Bunce: He's too sneaky!

Franklin Bean: Ah, yes. He's very clever, isn't he? Might be a bit difficult, I suppose.

[shoots every light around in one fluid movement]

Franklin Bean: But I already figured out where this fox lives. So tomorrow night, we'll camp in the bushes, wait for him to come out of the hole in the tree, and shoot the cuss to smithereens. How does that grab you, fellas?

Walter Boggis: Yeah, don't see why not.

Badger: Don't buy this tree, Foxy. You're borrowing at nine and a half with no fixed rate, plus moving into the most dangerous neighborhood in the country for someone of your type of species.

Mr. Fox: You're exaggerating, Badger.

Badger: [chuckles] I'm sugar-coating it, man. This is Boggis, Bunce, and Bean, three of the meanest, nastiest, ugliest farmers in the history of this valley.

Mr. Fox: Really? Tell me about them.

Badger: All right. Walt Boggis is a chicken farmer, probably the most successful in the world. He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros. He eats three chickens every day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert. That's twelve in total per diem. Nate Bunce is a duck and goose farmer. He's approximately the size of a pot-bellied dwarf, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet. His food is home-made donuts with smashed-up goose livers injected into them. Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He invented his own species of each. He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples. He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living. The local human children sing a kind of... eerie little rhyme about them. Here, listen to this.

[turns on the radio]

Children's Song: [singing] Boggis, Bunce, and Bean / One fat, one short, one lean / Those horrible crooks, so different in looks / were nonetheless equally mean.

Rabbit: There's only one way out of this sewer. But the manhole cover's closed... and there's a station wagon parked on it. Which means we're permanently stuck down here.

Badger: You still think we beat them, Foxy?

Mr. Fox: [to his wife] Badger's right. These farmers aren't gonna quit until they catch me. I shouldn't have lied to your face. I shouldn't have fallen off the wagon and started stealing chickens on the sly. I shouldn't have driven these farmers so far and cussed with their heads. I enjoyed it, but I shouldn't have done it. But now there's only one way out of this. Maybe if I hand myself over and let them kill me, stuff me, and hang me over their mantelpiece...

Mrs. Fox: You'll do no such thing.

Mr. Fox: Darling, maybe they'll let everyone else live.

Mrs. Fox: [in tears] Oh, why did you have to get us into this, Foxy?

Mr. Fox: I don't know, but I have a possible theory. I think I have this thing where I need everybody to think I'm the greatest, the quote-unquote Fantastic Mr. Fox. And if people aren't knocked out and dazzled and slightly intimidated by me, I don't feel good about myself. Foxes traditionally like to court danger, hunt prey, and outsmart predators, and that's what I'm good at. I think at the end of the day, I'm just...

Mrs. Fox: I know, we're wild animals.

Mr. Fox: Hmm. I guess we always were. I promise you, if I had all this to do over again, I'd have never let you down. It was always more fun when we did it together, anyway.

Mr. Fox: I don't want to live in a hole anymore. It makes me feel poor.

Mrs. Fox: We ARE poor... but we're happy.

Mr. Fox: Comme ci, comme ca. Anyway, the views are better above ground.

Kristofferson: [accompanying Fox and Kylie on a raid] I must say, I'm pleased to be invited but I'm not sure I should be doing this, Uncle Foxy.

Mr. Fox: Why not?

Kristofferson: Because I don't like to be dishonest with people.

Mr. Fox: Well, just keep your mouth shut and it won't be a problem.

[after the shooting]

Franklin Bean: [into radio] Petey? Sorry to wake you. Can I trouble you to dash out here right away with, shall we say, three shovels, two pickaxes, five hundred rounds of ammunition, and... a bottle of apple cider?