Failure to Launch Quotes

Kit: I smell something. D'you smell something?

Paula: Oh! Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

Kit: No, that's not it. I smell... fun.

Paula: What?

Kit: You are a dirty little fun-haver.

Kit: You couldn't be more wrong if you called it a Canadian Goose.

Ace: I'll give you a Canadian Goose.

[she slaps him, then a moment later, grabs him and kisses him passionately]

Kit: Shut up, you whore!

Paula: [sipping champagne] Oh, I'm sorry. Was I sipping too loudly for you?

Kit: No, you're not sipping too loudly. It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window! What the hell kind of devil-bird chirps at night?

Paula: Come on, Tripp. Please, you... you don't understand.

Tripp: You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, but that's everything I've got in my wallet.

[handing over $300 to Paula]

Tripp: There's three hundred dollars.

Paula: Oh, come on, Tripp!

Tripp: It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.

Paula: Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.

Tripp: Get the fuck outta my car.

Kit: Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place, or anyone I work with.

Paula: Oh, good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.

Kit: [sarcastically] Yeah.

Paula: Hey-hey.

Kit: Hey... Paula... Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.

Paula: It's Friday.

Kit: Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.

Paula: Huh... for the third straight week.

Kit: There's talk of making it permanent.

Paula: Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?

Kit: Right, but for booze.

Jim The Gun Salesman: [persuading her not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] Well for one, there's the book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...

Kit: Oh... A copy that, too, right here!

Tripp: [has just agreed to go out to lunch with her the next day] Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday.

Paula: [perplexed] ... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

Paula: [of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway?

Veterinarian: I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.

[the dog whimpers]

Tripp: [at the top of a mountain, when Ace appears] Oh, hey there, Ace. Glad you could make it, man. We thought you went home.

Ace: [dropping to the ground, exhausted] I fell into a deep, dark crevasse. I was so scared.

Ace: So, is Kit short for Katherine?

Kit: Yes. Is Ace short for... Ace-a-rooney?

Kit: [inquiring after Tripp's buddies] The tall one's kinda cute. What's he do?

Paula: Oh, he's some kind of software writer. He works out of his basement, but he makes a lot of money. Oh, you know what? No, that's the little guy. The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.

Kit: [mockingly] How will I choose?

Tripp: Do you have real feelings?

Paula: Of course I have real feelings!

Tripp: For what?

Paula: For you! And believe me, I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well, it... it was empty, actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Whereas now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]

Paula: Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

Techie Guy: A shocking number, actually.

Paula: Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...

Techie Guy: [imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.

Paula: But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!

Techie Guy: He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.

Paula: That's you! You're Luke!

Tripp: I do sleep well at night.

Ace: On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.

Demo: As opposed to you, who sleeps in a King-sized bed in your mother's basement.

Ace: It's orthopedic, and I need it. And at least I'm not sponging off my parents so I can afford to get laid on every continent.

Demo: Whoa, whoa... I'm a ramblin' man, I'm a tumble weed, I'm a seeker of truth! And one truth I've learned - a child is a parent's greatest joy, which is why I can't leave my parents' place, because... because they would miss me!

[first lines]

Melissa: I just feel really close to you.

Tripp: You ARE really close to me.

Melissa: So, where do you see us goin'?

Tripp: Well, tonight, I see us going back to my place.

Al: [walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up, son...

Melissa: Oh!

Al: Oh.

Tripp: Oh, come on, Pop!

Al: Ooo.

Tripp: Whoa, man. Don't you knock?

Al: What? Your mama's... She's snorin' like a rhino. And then this music got started... heh... heh. Oh, hey, you must be Melody.

Tripp: Mm-mm.

Melissa: Melissa.

Al: Oh! It's Melissa! Ha-ha. It's Melissa. Okay. All right. Y'all have a good time.

Tripp: Night, Pop.

Melissa: Huh.

Tripp: Hmm.

Melissa: You live with your parents?

Tripp: Is that a problem?

Melissa: Are you kidding me?

Ace: Point is, my friend, you are afraid of love.

Tripp: Bullshit. No, no, no, man. I'm not afraid of love. I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right? And sometimes I'm the rebound guy; other times, when I get lucky, I'm the explore-new-areas-of-your-sexuality guy; but, every single time, we have fun. Thank you. I have fun, they have fun; it's good for me, it's good for them, and I would argue that it's damn good for civilization as a whole.

Demo: And yet, in America, we're-we're shunned for our lifestyle.

Tripp: When we should be celebrating our lifestyle. We are men who still live at home.

Demo: Yes.

Tripp: We're not here to apologize about who we are, how we do it, or who we live with.

Demo: No!

Tripp: I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners, huh? And to every one of those out there who sees something different, I say "bring it on," 'cause it's gonna take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents' house.

Al: The boy's thirty-five years old!

Sue: It's just not fair.

Al: Thirty-five years!

Sue: We were good parents and now we're supposed to be done!

Male BBQ Guest #1: Hey, I don't blame my kid for stayin'. Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.

Male BBQ Guest #2: Well, our son's a flight attendant. He travels so much, it doesn't make any sense to have his own apartment.

Sue: Yeah...

Female BBQ Guest: Plus, he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.

Al: Tripp meets a new girl every week.

Bud: Well, let's just say, maybe he hasn't met the right girl.

Al: We ain't buying that chair.

Sue: I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money.

Al: Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.

Paula: I'm Paula.

Tripp: I'm Tripp.

Paula: You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

Tripp: I don't think this counts as a first date.

Paula: It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

Tripp: Mmm. You wanna have a drink tonight?

Paula: Mmm. Can't. How about lunch tomorrow?

Tripp: Sure. Wait. Tomorrow's Saturday.

Paula: [perplexed] Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

Paula: Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living on his own by June fifteenth.

Al: Hallelujah!

Paula: Look, many young men who should be able to move out simply can't. It's called "failure to launch," and that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one: We have a memorable meeting, we get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends - if he has any - uh, then I let him teach me something; but, the bottom line is, he bonds with me, he lets go of you, he moves out.

Al: But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?

Paula: You look nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.

Sue: That is pretty much how it works.

Al: What about sex?

Paula: Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...

Sue: Is there anything that we need to do?

Paula: Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, uh, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

Sue: I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.

Paula: I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.

Sue: [to Tripp] And, uh, your bathroom needs cleaning, so I left the stuff in the hall; and, when you're done with the rubber gloves, just remember to turn them inside out. Bye.

Demo: Something's wrong with your mom.

Mr. Axelrod: You're gonna let her walk away?

Tripp: I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod. Now, I'm going after her.

Tripp: [trying to feed a chipmunk a chocolate bar] You want a treat from the big city, boy?

Demo: He's not a child, Tripp. Look how peaceful he is.

Tripp: Come here, little boy. You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo?

Demo: You're giving him a Power Bar?

Tripp: Everybody loves chocolate. Baby-boo-boo?

Demo: Tripp, he's saying no.

Tripp: Look into my eyes.

Demo: He's saying no, Tripp.

Tripp: Baby-boo-boo?

[chipmunk bites Tripp's hand]

Tripp: Aaow!

Tripp: Take it you like Japanese food?

Paula: Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order huge dessert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.

Tripp: Yeah?

Paula: Does that intimidate you?

Tripp: Not at all.

Paula: I had a nice time.

Tripp: I did, too.

Paula: Good.

Tripp: I had fun.

Paula: Good.

Kit: [screaming at the bird outside] SHUT UP! SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD BIRD!

Paula: Hey, Kit.

Kit: What? Hi. Can you guys see me?

Paula: Yeah.

Tripp: Yeah.

Kit: Oh, great.

Tripp: What?

Paula: Dinner and a show.

[kisses him]

Paula: Good night.

Tripp: Good night.

Paula: [about the dog] He saved my life, you know.

Veterinarian: He did?

Paula: And now I can't do anything for him, and I...

Paula: I'm so glad you're here.

Tripp: Yeah, of course I am.

[about her dog]

Paula: Um, can I have a minute alone with him? Thank you.

Tripp: I'll be right outside.

Paula: Okay.

[Tripp leaves]

Paula: [to the Vet] Ah, thanks, Gretchen.

Veterinarian: Anytime.

Paula: Oh, gosh, Emotional Crisis Day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?

Paula: So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.

Tripp: Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.

Paula: Who says you have to be lonely?

Tripp: It's over. She gotta go.

Ace: You're dumping Paula?

Demo: What happened?

Tripp: Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere - whoap! - she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.

Paula: So, you live with your parents.

Tripp: Mm-hm. Z'hat a problem?

Paula: No. Not for me.

Sue: I don't know what to tell ya, honey, but, uh, that strict program o' yours?

Paula: Mm-hm.

Sue: You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.

Paula: What?

Sue: The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's gettin' ready to dump 'em.

Paula: Really? Well, that's not happening.

Paula: Do you know I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold.

Kit: From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm?

[Paula gasps]

Demo: What are you gonna do now?

Tripp: I don't know. I'm in unchartered waters here, boys.

Kit: [finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No.

Paula: It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.

Kit: First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.

Paula: No, I don't... I don't think that I did that.

Jeffrey: My teacher Miss Kramer has a girlfriend.

Paula: Oh, that's nice.

Jeffrey: She's a lesbian.

Paula: Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world.

Kit: Oh, hey, you're home. Great.

Paula: I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.

Demo: [to Tripp] You were bitten by a chuckwalla. That shouldn't have happened. It's a reptile of peace. I have a theory. This isn't the first time that nature's lashed out at you like this. I believe it's because your life is fundamentally at odds with the natural world.

Tripp: Huh?

Demo: Therefore, nature rejects you.

Tripp: Dude, did you just drop me from a forty-foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend.

Demo: He's right.

Ace: I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.

Tripp: It's okay.

Demo: Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it, which is exactly what we wanted for you.

Tripp: Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home?

Ace: Actually, I own my home.

Demo: What?

Tripp: No, you don't.

Ace: I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax.

Demo: Smart.

Tripp: Wow.

Ace: And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home.

Demo: Yeah.

Ace: But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum.

Demo: I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional.

Ace: And you, Tripp, are not.

Tripp: Hey, Pop?

Al: Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?

Tripp: Just came by to get some stuff. What... what are YOU doing?

Al: Feeding my fish.

Tripp: Yeah. I see that. You're naked. In my room.

Al: Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house. Wore a suit for forty years.

Tripp: So now we got forty years of...

Al: No suit.

Tripp: No suit. All right. I'm gonna let you get back to feeding your fish.

Tripp: So what do we do now?

Paula: Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or do you want to spend it with me?

Tripp: Hmm...

Paula: Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.

Tripp: We can have a LITTLE bit of fun, can't we? Huh?

[last lines]

Al: What'd I say?

Tripp: All right, assuming that pretending to own a yacht was a brilliant, romantic yet ultimately flawed idea, how do you see the rest of the day playing out?

Paula: I don't know. I'm so hungry, I can't think. Seagulls ate my lunch.

Tripp: What if I took you to a restaurant?

Paula: Are you gonna pretend to own it?

Tripp: No. All the restaurants I own are in Europe.

Al: I could get out of those ropes.

Sue: You can't get out of your barbecue apron.

Tripp: What do you do for a living?

Paula: I teach special needs kids.

[talking, effectively, about him]

Kit: How much are the bullets for this?

Gun Salesman #1: Shells. Shotguns use shells. Anyway. Whatever. They're 15 bucks for a box of 25.

Kit: Okay, I don't need a whole box. I just need... one.

Gun Salesman #1: You know, I get sad sometimes, too. So many pressures in life, you know? Can I give you a phone number for some people who can help...